Siege of the Sues

Bellatrix frowned. "What do you have to say for yourself?" She waited. "Put the kitten down and talk to me, Severus."

Snape, who was now in a lavender robe that really did look suspiciously like something out of Gilderoy Lockhart's closet, set the kitten down with a sigh. "I just cannot explain it, Bella. It's...well..." He threw his hands up in the air. "It's love!"

"I see. And who exactly is this Lilac Livingston?"

Snape sighed, and a dreamy look crossed his face. "She used to be an Auror, but she's so devoted to educating the wizards and witches of tomorrow that she quit to teach full-time. Isn't that just wonderful of her?"

"Yeah. Wonderful." Bellatrix started out of the room. "Go ahead and get your kitten now, Severus. Have fun." She marched back into the war room. "Wormtail!"

Wormtail glanced up from the game of parcheesi he was playing with a few of the girls. "Oh, hello, Bellatrix. Things are going just fine, so there's no need to yell at me today, right?"

"Oh, I think there is." She grabbed the back of his robes and hauled him out of his chair. "Severus Snape is out there right now. He's letting some girl paint his toenails purple to match his robes. He has a kitten named Dopey that he won't let go of. Now, I don't know about you, but that sounds to me like classic signs of Sue attack, don't they?"

"What?" Wormtail struggled to escape her grasp, but to no avail. "Look, see, I don't know anything about that--"

"You'd better," Bellatrix snapped. "It seems like I'm the only one with my head on straight around here. You've got a Sue out of control over there, and while I know they work well on their own, we can't have them going after our people. You're the commander of these girls, and that means you'd better get them in line." She dropped him back into his chair. "Get that spying glass thing and get in touch with them. Now."

Wormtail hurried over the the shelf that held the precious scrying glass. He tapped it gingerly. "Hello? Serena? Serenity?"

The face of one of the Malfoy twins appeared in the mirror. "Why, hello, Wormtail," she purred. "Things are going swimmingly. Keira's doing her job quite well, I must say."

"Okay, look," he whispered to her. "I don't know what you guys are doing to Snape, but it's got to stop, okay? he's completely incoherent. He keeps talking about Lilac what's her face, and she needs to be..." His eyes narrowed as realization struck. "Wait a minute..."

"Stop your fussing, Wormtail dear," Serena or Serenity replied. "I'll see that, er, Lilac leaves Snape alone." She sighed dramatically. "She did so enjoy his company. You know, before she was an Auror she--"

"I don't care," Wormtail hissed. "Call her off...whoever she is. And I have my suspicions." He smacked the front of the glass and set it back on the shelf, then turned back to Bellatrix who waited, arms folded, for the news. "All right, Bella. I've got it under control. Lilac Livingston won't be bothering Severus any more."

"Good. See that it stays that way." Bellatrix turned to leave.

"Oh, Bella?" Wormtail called.

"Yes?" She didn't turn to face him.

"You're not affected by the Sues...right?"

"You don't see me babbling on about kittens and such, do you?"

"No, of course not! I was just wondering when you started wearing glittery eyeshadow?"

It was, Wormtail decided later, almost worth the Slugface Jinx.