Siege of the Sues

The first class the sixth-year Gryffindors were scheduled for the next day was Potions. Harry and Ron got dressed as slowly as possible--a fairly easy feat, as Gary's belongings were scattered all across the dormitory floor.

"Does anyone really need this much mousse?" Ron groused, kicking aside yet another can of Madame Melinda's Magical Hair Care product.

"Dunno," Harry said shortly. "But we are pretty close to being late. Let's get on down to the dungeon."

They hurried down the stairs to find the dungeon not only standing room only, but flooded into the hallway. Most of the new students were sixth-year Gryffindors and Slytherins, and the Potions room wasn't going to come close to holding them all.

Hermione ran up behind them. "Apparently Snape's moving the class outside," she said. Harry and Ron stared at her. She rolled her eyes. "I know. Something's gotten into him, and I've got a good idea what it is."

The three of them headed outside, but not before Hermione scanned the crowd for Gary. "Where is he?" she muttered.

"Probably still working on his hair," Ron snapped. "He's got loads of stuff all over the room."

Hermione snorted. "I don't want to hear it. You missed us having to put all the first through fifth year girls out into the common room to sleep last night so all the sixth years had a place, and even then it was ten to a room. I did nail one of them when I talked her CD player into nonexistence."

"What's a CD player?" Ron asked. Hermione shook her head. "Let's just get to class."

Once they reached the sunny field outside, they were greeted with a shock. Snape had his hair tied back with a velvet ribbon, and he was wearing a ruffly white shirt rather than his usual black robes. As if that wasn't disturbing enough, he had baskets heaped with flowers sitting in front of him.

"What is going on here..." Harry couldn't tear his eyes away.

"Sit down, class," Snape called in a voice that seemed strange until Harry realized that it sounded cheerful. "Today we're learning how to make Happiness Potions! Why, you ask? Because I want every single one of you to be just as happy as me!"

"It's like Lockhart's psychotic twin," Ron whispered.

"Now, everyone, pay attention," Snape was saying. "You're going to put flowers into the potion, yes, but I have a special surprise. The main ingredient of a Happiness Potion is--the whisker of a white kitten!" He opened a basket to reveal several fluffy white kittens, who all appeared to be tangled in a ball of blue yarn. All the girls started oohing and aahing as they reached for a kitten.

"Okay. I have to leave," Harry whispered back. "I've had nightmares that started out this way." He turned and started for the castle.

"Where are you going, Potter?" Snape called. Harry stopped in his tracks, not turning around. "I don't want you to miss this class," Snape went on. "I want you to have a Happiness Potion, too, Potter, because after class we're going to sit down and have a great big wonderful heart-to-heart talk! You're really my favorite student, Potter, have I ever told you that?"

"Yeah, and maybe we could sit and have a nice chat about our truce, too, Potter!" Draco called from inside his circle of female admirers. "I packed a picnic lunch, so we don't even have to go in to eat!"

Harry turned and surveyed the situation carefully. There were a hundred-odd Mary Sues sitting with his classmates, Ron and Hermione appeared unable to move from shock, Draco was still wearing leather pants, and Snape was cuddling a kitten.

He turned and bolted for the castle, screaming all the way.