Siege of the Sues

The old manor creaked as the chilly air blew outside. Lord Voldemort was pleased. Fall was coming early this year.

He turned from the window back to Wormtail, who was sitting on the floor beside Voldemort's armchair. "She will be here soon, Wormtail. Try not to snivel too much, for her sake." Wormtail nodded mutely.

The front door burst open, and they both looked up to see Bellatrix Lestrange silhouetted in the doorway. She stepped in, a self-satisfied smirk on her face. "My Lord. I have done as you commanded."

"You've found an army?"

"Not just any army. An army that is completely and utterly unbeatable."

Voldemort frowned. "Dragons? Vampires? Werewolves?"

Bellatrix shook her head. "It is an army we'll have to take care with, my Lord, for there are no creatures more manipulative and evil than what I have brought you."

"Worse than..." A look of realization crossed Voldemort's face. "Bellatrix. No. You can't have brought creatures like that...but you're right, they are unbeatable."

"What is it?" Wormtail asked, his eyes wide.

"You wouldn't know," Bellatrix replied. "So far as they're concerned, you don't exist."

"As a matter of fact," Voldemort mused, "Wormtail may be the only one immune to their powers." He glanced at Bellatrix. "Unless you...?"

She shook her head. "Their innate powers have no effect on me, but they've been trying to possess me all the way here." She glanced outside nervously. "My Lord, I believe we will have to put Wormtail in command of the army."

"What?" Wormtail cried, standing up and backing away. "My Lord, what are they? Why can't you command them?"

Voldemort sighed. "My powers are great, Wormtail, but that is exactly why these creatures try to attach themselves to me. No, as much as I hate to do it, I'm forced to put you in command." He pointed at the door.

Trembling, Wormtail peered out into the dark field. He expected something horrible, but instead saw hundreds upon hundreds of teenaged girls, chatting and giggling. He turned back to his master. "I don't understand, my Lord. How are we supposed to defeat Dumbledore and take over with a bunch of girls?"

Voldemort and Bellatrix recoiled. "They're not girls, Wormtail, not exactly," Voldemort explained. "They're..." He sighed and turned to Bellatrix. "How can I explain them to him?"

Bellatrix strode to the door. "You! You, come here!" The girl she had singled out approached the door. Bellatrix pointed at Wormtail. "This is your general. Introduce yourself."

The girl promptly turned to Wormtail. "Hi! I'm Kayla Renee Starflower. I'm a pureblood wizard and I have a wand with a unicorn hair for a core, and it goes way back nineteen generations and because of it my whole family is all unicorn Animagi, and I can fly without a broom, and I have a super special amulet that lets me understand every language in the world, and..."

Wormtail stopped listening to her talk. He was puzzled. The girl was beautiful, with hair that could only be described and a rippling pond of cornsilk (rippling pond? he asked himself), perfect ivory skin, and eyes that shimmered like a thousand sparkling sapphires. What was that on her..

"Oh, you noticed my tattoo," Kayla chattered. "It's actually the spirit of the great unicorn that watches over my whole family, and I can use it to summon him whenever I need to. Wanna see?"

Dizzy, Wormtail turned back to Voldemort and Bellatrix. "That...it's impossible," he croaked. "There's no way, she can't exist..."

"Strictly, she doesn't," Bellatrix replied. "But don't tell them that. Their only weakness is logic."

"But what are they?"

Bellatrix sighed. "They're Mary Sues."