As the Silver Thingymabob in Dumbledore's Office Turns

LUPIN
Sucks about your boyfriend, Harry.

(HARRY wails incomprehensibly.)

LUPIN
Hmm. I did a lot of nasty things with Sirius's evil twin. I think I need to go wash myself. Is there a bathroom in this place anywhere?

(Exit LUPIN. HARRY wails incomprehensibly.)

HERMIONE
Um...so I was reading Hogwarts, A History the other day...

(HARRY wails incomprehensibly.)

HERMIONE
Okay, bad topic.

(MADAM POMFREY and SNAPE enter at the other end of the room. SNAPE seems to be missing his nose. HERMIONE turns to listen in on what they're saying.)

SNAPE
I don't care what you say! This isn't a disease!

POMFREY
Just because we've never seen it before doesn't mean it's not a disease, Severus. It doesn't seem to be a magical problem of any sort. It might be terminal, but I won't make any firm diagnoses until at least the next episode.

SNAPE
It wasn't a disease! It was Potter! Potter's responsible for everything! Potter and his damned invisibility cloak!

POMFREY
Potter's been right here all week, Severus.

(HARRY wails incomprehensibly.)

POMFREY
See?

(SNAPE grumbles under his breath.)

HERMIONE
Wow, that looks nasty.

(HARRY wails incomprehensibly.)

HERMIONE
I wasn't talking about Draco, Harry. Look.

(HERMIONE points at SNAPE. HARRY begins to wail incomprehensibly but stops.)

HARRY
Wow. Cool.

HERMIONE
It's not cool! It could be fatal!

HARRY
Wow. Cool.

(RON, DEAN, and SEAMUS are sitting around the fire.)

SEAMUS
Well, that's a relief.

DEAN
Yeah.

RON
Yeah, we won't have to worry about Malfoy for awhile.

(SEAMUS and DEAN stare at RON.)

RON
You're right. We need a dramatic entrance or something.

(HERMES makes a dramatic entrance.)

RON
Good timing.

(SEAMUS and DEAN shake their heads. RON takes a letter from HERMES.)

RON
Why, it's a letter from my brother Percy! That rat.

(RON reads the letter.)

RON
Ew.

DEAN
What?

RON
Percy's engaged to Umbridge!

SEAMUS and DEAN
Ew.

RON
It must be true. Percy must be secretly evil!

DEAN
Or possibly blind.

SEAMUS
And deaf.

DEAN
And insane.

DUMBLEDORE
Muahahahaha! I am secretly evil!

PERCY
As am I! Muahahahahaha!

DUMBLEDORE
Being secretly evil is great!

PERCY
Muahahahahahaha!

DUMBLEDORE
You really need to work on that laugh.

PERCY
Sorry. How about a demonstration of evil?

DUMBLEDORE
Okay.

PERCY
Watch me kick an innocent house-elf!

(PERCY kicks WINKY. WINKY wails incomprehensibly. DUMBLEDORE sighs.)

DUMBLEDORE
I think I'm going to start calling you Hecubus.

HERMIONE
I can't seem to find any references to a disease that makes your nose fall off.

(HARRY wails incomprehensibly.)

PINCE
Shhhhhh!

HERMIONE
The dramatic effect is kind of lost on her, Harry.

HARRY
Oh, okay. So Snape has a mysterious and evil disease?

HERMIONE
Apparently.

HARRY
So he's going to die?

HERMIONE
Apparently.

HARRY
So what's the problem?

(HERMIONE is distracted by the sight of PAVARTI coming out of the Restricted Section with a book in her hand.)

HERMIONE
Harry, look! Pavarti has the book with the Polyjuice potion in it!

HARRY
Uh huh.

HERMIONE
Don't you dare wail incomprehensibly. I don't want to get kicked out. I wonder who she's Polyjuicing into?

HARRY
Man, not another dramatic plot twist.

HERMIONE
I think Draco's pretty far back in the queue. Let's follow Pavarti.

HARRY
Dammit, I said no more plot twists! I'm going back to the infirmary to work on my wail.

HERMIONE
Suit yourself.

PAVARTI
Aaaah! I mean, hi, Hermione.

HERMIONE
Hi, Pavarti. Sooo...what've you got there?

PAVARTI
Umm, nothing, nothing. Look, I need to change, so could you give me a moment alone?

HERMIONE
Hmm? Did you say something?

PAVARTI
Oh shit.

(PAVARTI begins to turn into STAN SHUNPIKE.)

HERMIONE
What??

STAN
Okay, I've been pretending to be Padma's twin sister all along. It made th Polyjuicing easier.

HERMIONE
But why?

STAN
Because I'm a perv, mostly. I thought Padma was hot, but she's only got eyes for herself, so it worked out well. Plus I've seen you naked.

HERMIONE
I don't know if I'm more grossed out by that or by the fact that you went to the Yule Ball with Harry.

STAN
It's a toss-up, isn't it?

DUMBLEDORE
This isn't that great of an evil plan, Percy.

PERCY
Well, fuck. Dollie said that if I don't come home with at least one evil plan, I'm sleeping on the couch.

DUMBLEDORE
Dollie?

PERCY
Yeah, that's what I call Dolores, because she likes to put doll dresses on my--

DUMBLEDORE
Sooo! Back to the evil plan!

PERCY
How about we add kicking house-elves to it?

(DUMBLEDORE hits his head against his desk.)

HERMIONE
....So he's been doing Padma the whole time!

RON
I don't feel so bad about the Yule Ball anymore.

HARRY
I do.

HERMIONE
Well, we have bigger things to worry about.

HARRY
Like what?

HERMIONE
Lamaze classes, for one.

(RON starts feeling around under his chair and pulls out a small object. He looks at it in horror.)

HARRY
What's that?

RON
It's Snape's nose! I feel sick!

HARRY
I wonder how it got up here?

HERMIONE
I don't know. It seems like an evil plan to me.

RON
Do you think we should take it to him?

HERMIONE
What does he need with a nose, anyways? Unless...let me see that, Ron.

(RON hastily passes the nose to HERMIONE. HERMIONE examines it closely. RON quietly throws up in the fire.)

HERMIONE
Aha!

HARRY
What?

HERMIONE
This is the legendary Nose of Slytherin! if you cut off your own nose and put this in its place, you gain all the powers of Salazar Slytherin!

HARRY
Don't you mean the Nose of Vecna?

HERMIONE
Shut up, Harry.

(HARRY wails incomprehensibly.)

HERMIONE
That's better. Anyways, it's supposed to give you lots of magical powers and greasy hair.

RON
So Snape doesn't have hygiene problems?

HERMIONE
Apparently not.

RON
Whew. Must've gotten that rash somewhere else.

HERMIONE
The problem is, now that it's gone, Snape is going to die! And once it's been cut off, the same person can't put it back on!

HARRY
Once again, the problem is?

HERMIONE
It also gives the person who cut it off a terrible communicable disease that infects the noses of everyone around him!

HARRY
Draco!

(HARRY rushes off.)

HERMIONE
Well, there goes his nose. Don't drink after him, Ron.