As the Silver Thingymabob in Dumbledore's Office Turns

(HARRY and RON are pacing nervously.)

RON
D'you think she's okay?

HARRY
I don't know.
(removes glasses, toys with them, puts them back on)
I just don't know.

(A door opens near them. HERMIONE steps out, a grim look on her face. HARRY and RON rush up to her.)

HARRY
What is it?

HERMIONE
It's terrible.

RON
Is it fatal?

HERMIONE
Worse.

RON and HARRY
Worse?

HERMIONE
I'm...I'm pregnant.

(HARRY and RON look at each other in stunned shock. RON looks back at HERMIONE.)

RON
Well, I will take full responsibility for what I've done, and I'll do everything I can to support you and our child.

(HERMIONE puts her face in her hands)

HARRY
What?

RON
Yes, Harry. It was me.

HARRY
But...but I thought...it was me.

(RON and HARRY look at each other again, then back at HERMIONE)

HERMIONE
Well...it could be either of you...or...

RON and HARRY
Or?

HERMIONE
Or Draco...

RON
Draco?

HERMIONE
Or Blaise...or Dean...or Seamus...

RON
....Well.

DEAN
Yes.

HARRY
Exactly.

SEAMUS
Think we should invite Draco and Blaise over?

HARRY and RON
No!

SEAMUS
Just asking.

(DRACO walks over.)

DRACO
Potter, I need to talk to you.

HARRY
We're all in the same boat here, Malfoy.

DRACO
No. Alone. Let's go outside.

HARRY
Given the situation, I'll actually go with you.

DRACO
Potter, I have a confession to make.

HARRY
Hermione already told us.

DRACO
No...something else.

(HARRY stops walking and looks at DRACO.)

DRACO
Granger...Granger was just a way to get to you, Potter. You're the one I've really cared about.

HARRY
Me?

DRACO
Those toneless muscles, that malnourished physique, those geeky glasses...you don't know how many nights I've kept the rest of the boys awake, polishing my wand and screaming your name.

HARRY
Draco...I never knew...

(They lean in to kiss, but are interrupted by the sudden appearance of LUPIN flying in low over them. LUPIN lands and runs to HARRY.)

LUPIN
Harry! You'll never believe it! Sirius is alive!

HARRY
What?

LUPIN
It was his long-lost evil twin brother who was actually killed in the Ministry! Sirius has been hiding out in Milwaukee for the last six months, while his evil twin Polyjuiced himself into Kreacher! But he's just come back, and we're getting married!

HARRY
That's wonderful!

DRACO
Potter...

HARRY
Yes?

DRACO
What do you say we make it a double wedding?

HARRY
Yes!

(HARRY runs towards DRACO with outstretched arms, but they are once again interrupted as a stray Bludger hits DRACO in the head. DRACO collapses to the ground.)

HARRY
Draco! My love!

LUPIN
Let me take care of this. In my ostracism from the wizarding world for so many years, I became a Muggle doctor. They fired me when they noticed that I ate my patients, but I've had the training nonetheless. Step aside, Harry!

(LUPIN kneels down and checks DRACO's pulse. LUPIN stands back up, shaking his head.)

LUPIN
He's in a coma, Harry. He'll probably be out of it whenever we need a new dramatic plot twist, and I don't foresee that happening anytme soon.

HARRY
Why not?

LUPIN
Because here comes Hermione.

(HERMIONE runs towards them.)

HERMIONE
Harry! I know who the father is!

HARRY
Who?

HERMIONE
It's Blaise! Except Blaise isn't really Blaise!

HARRY
Who is he?

HERMIONE
He's actually Professor McGonagall as a boy! Apparently there was a terrible Time-Turner accident which not only set him back in time fifty years, it changed his gender! Now that we've realized it, Blaise disappeared due to the sheer bizarreness of it all, and Professor McGonagall and I are going to raise the baby together!