The Perfect Azkaban Breakout

12 September 1999

"Good evening, Miss Granger."

"Where are we going today?"

Hermione stared at the Weasley twins, bemused. She raised her eyebrows at Lee Jordan, who was standing behind them. He shrugged, and leaned against the wall in the classic Relax-And-Enjoy-The-Show posture he adopted on a regular basis when the twins were around.

"We?" she asked, reaching slowly for her wand and looking from one twin to the other warily. "I don't think we are going anywhere. Unless you want to come with me to the library and read books on communication spells."

"My Inner Eye says ..." said George dreamily, as he edged towards the staircase and blocked Hermione's route to her favourite room.

"... that you will be joining us ..."

"... at a pub this evening ... "

"... as you have worked hard all week ..."

"... and it is now Friday."

Hermione laughed and shook her head. A minute later she was kicking wildly and cussing wildly (without having to consciously recall her Hyde Park resolution to swear more often) as Fred and George picked her up on each side with their Beater-trained arms. Lee laughed and shouted at the remaining denizens of Number Twelve Grimmauld Place that they would have her back by two in the morning. The only answer was a giggle from the direction of the Remus' room, causing the twins to roll their eyes and mutter, "Kids these days! Honestly!"

Two minutes later, the four of them were in the twins' joke shop.

"Good heavens."

"The girl can cuss like a sailor."

"Ronniekins would be so proud!" Fred gave a loud sniffle.

"But your swearing raises an interesting point."

"How exactly would you fuck yourself with a flobberworm?"

"I mean, I can see how you would technically do it, being a girl," mused George, his hand massaging his chin. "But if you're a guy..."

"I suppose we shall have to ask Charlie," said Fred, deciding to have mercy on the red-faced brunette. "He'd know, being gay and all."

"Quite right. Hey, lookie here! Lee is having stomach problems again!"

"Yes, he's all bent over."

"And making funny squeaky noises."

"And Hermione is still displaying that most peculiar colour!"

"Even Ginny never managed to blush that much."

Fred moved over to give Lee a thump on the back, causing the dreadlocked boy to jump back and hold his hands out to protest.

Hermione was surprised that she could hear about Ron and Ginny without bursting into tears. She decided that this was an excellent time to change the subject before she felt too guilty about it. "Alright," she asked, both hands on her waist. "Where are we going, boys? There aren't that many pubs in Diagon Alley, are there?"

"Diagon Alley?"

"Pooh!"

"Bah!"

"Who'd want to go to a Wizarding pub?"

"Outside Knockturn Alley anyway."

"Proper young wizards ..."

" ... us being a prime example ... "

" ... and I'm always primer than my brother ... "

"Quiet Gred. No subsubphrases in subphrases."

"Och, yes. Sorry about that. As we were saying ..."

"God, Lee, don't they ever stop?" cried Hermione, throwing her hands up.

"I see you're still an optimist, Granger," replied the disembodied voice of Lee, who was now under an Invisibility Cloak and hovering near the egress.

"Shut up, you plebs, you're interrupting the eloquence of sheer genius."

"Indeed. Now, as we were trying to say, proper young wizards go to Muggle pubs."

"Oh," said Hermione, unable to say anything more. She noticed, only then, that she was the only one wearing robes, and that the twins and Lee were wearing t-shirts and jeans. Taking off her cloak and folding it over her arms like a Muggle trenchcoat, she transfigured her plain skirt to something more handsome and followed them out through Diagon Alley to Muggle London.

"Did Ron ever tell you about the time I got turned into a cat?" asked Hermione, on her second bottle of Heineken. Fred was on his third, while Lee and George were both starting their fourth pints. Lee was Muggle-raised, since his mother was a Muggle, but the twins also seemed quite familiar with Muggle pubs. Hermione figured they did this kind of thing a lot. She would have to join them more often, if they let her. This felt ... good.

After the requisite laughter and looks of admiration about Hermione's Second Year Polyjuice fiasco, Lee offered a story about the time he had defeated Ron at chess by switching the colour of two of Ron's pawns. Fred related the saga of Ginny's first public Bat Bogey Hex, which hit their father when George ducked. George talked about when he and Fred (mostly Fred) almost convinced Ron to make an Unbreakable Vow to supply each twin with a chocolate frog a day. Then it was back to Hermione, who talked about when she and Ginny had placed gnomes in Ron's shoes at the Burrow.

The conversation alternated between comical and serious. Fred broke down crying at one stage, wishing he had never turned Ron's teddy into a spider. Lee said he had really liked Ginny, and often felt like smacking Harry for not noticing her. George wished he had paid more attention to Ginny in her first two years at Hogwarts. Hermione and Fred broke down at that, and it was half an hour before anyone said anything else.

They decided, without any words being exchanged, to avoid talking about Ron and Ginny for a while. Fred mentioned Umbridge. Hermione mentioned Harry's arm. George mentioned that Lee also had scars on his forearm caused by her Blood Quill, though they were nowhere near as visible as those Harry had. Lee displayed them, and mentioned, hesitantly, that he had spent much time in the library that year reading about Blood Quills in the hope of finding a way around them.

"So that's what you were doing all that time!" exclaimed Fred.

"We thought you were investigating Niffler habitats or something," said George, "or those NEWT things."

"What did you learn?" asked Hermione, ignoring the aspersion to school-leaving examinations.

"Not much," replied Lee, slowly. "I did find there were different types of such quills. I suppose we should be grateful she did not use a Remote-inking Blood Quill."

"Oh? What's that?" asked George, staring at the bottom of his glass like it had a problem. Fred leaned over, and pointed out that it was empty.

"We were using a Self-inking Blood Quill," said Lee hesitantly. This was the first time he had told anyone else about it. "When you write with it, it cuts you. All Blood Quills make cuts on the hand the blood comes from. If I was to use a Remote-inking Quill with blood from your hand, whatever I write would appear on your hand."

"Bloody arsehole of my great-aunt's Hippogriff," said Fred, his face paling. George and Hermione looked equally horrified.

After commiserating with Lee - the twins patting him on the back and Hermione giving him a hug - they moved onto other topics.

"I think Mum's going to be giving us the Eye soon," said Fred.

"Your Mum is always giving you the Eye," Lee pointed out.

"Often with good reason," added Hermione with a smirk. After two pints of Heineken, she was now on her second pint of Guinness. It was a good thing Lee had brought along a few vials of Hangover Potion.

"Ah," countered George, "but you see, Mum has many different Eyes."

"There's the Eye for Small Crimes, like bringing in shoes after the rain and mucking up the floor," explained George.

"Or switching salt and sugar at the dining table," said Fred.

"Or putting gnomes in the laundry. You know, simple things," said George. "Then there's the Eye for Crimes Against Morality." The pause before the word 'crimes' was highly dramatic.

"Like dating a girl who wears miniskirts," said Fred, "or, in my brother's case, wearing miniskirts."

"Or moving out of the Burrow. Mum sure ranked that one high," George fondly reminisced. For the first time, Hermione began to understand just how the twins welcomed at least certain kinds of punishment.

"Or Flooing over with Angelina Johnson for breakfast with both of us wearing matching pairs of mismatched socks. Boyo, Georgiekins, I'm surprised we didn't have to fix the roof after that one."

There was a pause at this stage, as Lee had snorted good Czech beer through his nose.

"Then there's the Eye for When Are You Getting Married and Giving Me Grandchildren?" said George, handing Lee a napkin, and then several more napkins. "With Bill gone, Charlie gay and having found a nice Romanian wizard in any case, Percy doing Merlin knows what, we're the next in line. And that was before..." He didn't have to finish.

"And after much discussion," Fred took over before the pause became too awkward, "much scholarly and knowledgeable discussion, I might add, my brother and I have come to a conclusion."

"You two are the fourth and fifth persons to hear of it," said George, waving his arms expansively and barely missing Fred's nose, "including ourselves."

"Honoured," said Hermione, swaying slightly. She hoped there was Hangover Potion in the miniaturized Potions Kit she carried everywhere, as they had emptied the stuff Lee had brought.

"What she said," seconded Lee, pointing a thumb unnecessarily at Hermione. "Spill."

"We are going to - what's the word again, Forge? - clone ourselves."

"And Katie Bell has kindly volunteered to carry our babies."

"She's the third person, in case you wondered."

Hermione would have fallen off her seat if she had been sitting on the edge of the bench she shared with Lee. As it was, she fell to the empty bench space that Lee had occupied prior to his falling out of his seat.

"Mum will be thrilled," continued Fred, unfazed.

"We will call the handsome twin - the clone of me - Damon,"

"And the non-stupid twin Aster."

"In public, we'll call them Mon and Ster."

For some reason, Lee was not making any effort to get off the floor.

Remus Lupin never knew that Hermione had much of a singing voice. But her rendition of Edelweiss, belted out at 1.55 in the morning when Lee dropped her off at Number Twelve, was an eye-opener (and definitely an ear-shutter).

Remus grinned. His reflexes were good, and his memory was even better. He still recalled the spell for recording the his Hogwarts dormmates' shower singing, and the spell for playing them at the Gryffindor table at breakfast.

Hermione was really, really, not going to enjoy her next breakfast.