The Perfect Azkaban Breakout

9 September 1999

Hermione Granger was not in a good mood. A month ago, three of her four best friends had been ripped from her life. She had got past the initial stages of shock and grieving, and had now moved on to her current stage.

Rage.

Remus Lupin winced as he entered the living room. The noises emanating from the basement of Number 12 Grimmauld Place were wreaking havoc on his hearing. He glanced over at the sofa, where his pink haired wife was reading a book that her old classmate Charlie Weasley had given her on their wedding. It was a French translation of a Romanian book with advice for werewolf mates.

There was another crash from below.

"What happened to Silencing Charms?" asked Remus.

"She forgot to put them up before she started blasting away," replied Tonks, putting down her book. "Trust me, hubby dear, you sure don't want to get near that room now that she's started."

"She still doing the usual?"

"Pretty much. I didn't know there were that many variations on the Destroy Wooden Bespectacled Messy-haired Scarecrows theme. At least she's shouting different stuff now. She's moved on from yelling at him for getting himself into jail."

"Oh, good. I thought she was harping on that point for way too long. So what's she yelling now?"

Remus' question was soon answered first hand. The yelling from the basement restarted.

"HARRY YOU BASTARD! WHY DIDN'T YOU LET ME GET A PIECE OF MALFOY FIRST?"

"Never mind," the werewolf muttered, wincing again at the shouting. "I'm still glad she's yelling."

"Yeah," replied Tonks, "she's been stuck in her room for three weeks before she started all this screaming and blasting away at Harryquins. It's good to let it out."

"Harryquins?"

"Harry-shaped mannequins."

"Ah. Of course."

The conversation switched to a discussion of the Romanian book for a while. It was quite good, but little known in Britain. They had had many discussions sparked by the material in the book. What was immediately clear was that Remus' psyche was very different from most werewolves described there. They were not ostracized as much by their society, and accepted the wolf more. Most werewolves in prejudiced countries left for elsewhere. Remus and Fenrir Greyback, on opposite ends of the human-wolf personality continuum, were both exceptions in that they stayed in Britain.

Their conversation was interrupted by an irate Hermione storming up from the basement. To describe her hair as bushy would have been an insult to that particular species of vegetation. Her thumps up the stairs to her rooms were loud, and neither Remus nor Tonks said anything till she returned and proceeded down the staircase. She was holding a book.

"Did you see the title?" asked Tonks, visibly struggling to avoid giggling.

"Probably on making better illusions of Harry that she can throw Reductos and Incendios at."

Tonks sighed, and put her feet up on the couch so they were in Remus' lap. He traced his finger down one of them. She lengthened her left arm and whacked him on the head. He stopped tickling.

"Explain to me again why Harry allowed himself to go to Azkaban. I feel like joining Hermione down there burning effigies of him for doing that." Tonks nibbled on her fingernails. One of the many advantages of being a Metamorphagus was that she never had to run out of fingernails to chew on.

"At the present moment, your eloquent hypothesis is the best explanation I've heard," replied Remus.

"That he's a bloody Gryffindor?" asked the former Ravenclaw sweetly. She noticed, idly, that there had been no sound from the basement for some time. Hermione must have put up Silencing Charms this time.

"Yes, that one. Or he was ashamed of having to take a life, even a worthless lump of Hippogriff droppings such as Malfoy, that he was willing to let justice take his course."

"Yes, but he did not have to offer so much evidence in favour of it! I still think he was under some undetectable charm or something to get himself thrown in there!"

"It does not matter really, love," replied Remus calmly. "We still have to get him out of there. There is only one Horcrux left to get, and then You-Know-Who himself."

Harry had told the grown-ups of the Horcruxes after a mission to retrieve Rowena Ravenclaw's Pensieve resulted in Ron almost losing his left leg. Hermione had persuaded him (hauling by the collar, pushing against a wall, speaking dire threats in a low and terrifying voice barely above hissing, all with her newly matured magic sparking off her skin and hair in flames of red and blue) to come to his damn senses and let others help.

It was about this time that not a few people wondered if Hermione was, perhaps, a long lost descendant of Rowena herself. Her Weasley mate, still in a hospital bed at the time, voiced the hypothesis as a question offered in jest. Her vicious and most uncharacteristic response - "Who gives a bloody shit about that?" - was immediately assumed by those present to be a rhetorical question.

In any case, various members of the Order had embarked on Horcrux-finding trips to old Riddle haunts or Horcrux-identifying trips to the Black and Hogwarts libraries. Most expeditions were fruitless, but had still cost the lives of five Order members - Hestia Jones, Rubeus Hagrid, Roger Davies, Petra Fenwick, Jane Callaghan. Even the library sessions were unsafe, though Elphias Doge had laughed off his loss of a couple of fingers to a book the late half-giant gamekeeper would have loved.

Their search for the Horcruxes had been helped by a couple of suggestions sent by an anonymous Death Eater who claimed to be an old associate of Regulus Black. He - if it was a he - sent his letters using an inconspicuous brown owl. Efforts to figure out his identity were fruitless, especially with the name he signed his notes with. After all, there was no way "Bellatrix" was betraying Voldemort.

Now there was only one Horcrux left other than Voldemort himself. It was unlikely to be Nagini, despite Dumbledore's suspicions.

And they had no idea where it was. There were a couple of search teams out to investigate their last clues, but those clues were such long shots that their reports tonight would be formalities."

"It's nearly time for the Order meeting," said Remus, casting a time-telling spell. "I'll get the cocoa ready. You go get the blasting bibliophile."

Tonks scowled, and stuck her tongue out as he headed towards the kitchen. She sighed dramatically, and put on her best shield charms before heading towards the basement.

She made sure her footsteps were loud clunks as she approached the door to the large expanse that was the Black family basement. Strangely enough, she could not sense any Silencing Charms. This was worrying. But the door opened, all ready for Tonks to trip through it.

Which she did.

As she picked herself off the floor, she walked to where Hermione was getting up off the floor. She had been reading the book she had brought downstairs. However, evidence for her previous activities remained. Wooden mannequins, with varying degrees of resemblance to Harry Potter, were lined up in the middle of the room. Other Harryquins, with varying degrees of flame damage and limblessness, were scattered to the sides.

"Better?" Tonks asked, eyebrows raised.

"Yeah," said Hermione in a small voice. "It's time for the meeting, isn't it?"

"Looks like it," Tonks said, guiding the younger witch to the door. "What were you reading?"

"Dummy's Guide to Prison Escapes. Muggle book."

"Ah. Should have guessed. Last Christmas, my dad gave me the Dummy's Guide to Walking Across Rooms Without Kissing the Floor."

"Was it any use?" asked Hermione as they walked up the stairs. It felt good making jokes again.

"I tripped over it."

"It is time to bring this meeting of the Order of the Tabby to order!" said Fred Weasley, rapping a plastic cat on his desk like a hammer.

Minerva McGonagall transfigured the redhead's Muggle trousers to a skirt while Molly Weasley yelled at him. This was her first outburst since the death of her children, and was welcomed by all. Meanwhile, Fred looked annoyingly pleased with his new accoutrement as he sat down.

The Order of the Phoenix was no longer called as such, since Fawkes had never returned. Minerva had decided to have a small group of members that she trusted, and told everything. She called this the Inner Order, even if the Weasley twins insisted on more feline appelations. There was also an Outer Order, whose members had fewer responsibilities, more plausible deniability, and less information.

"Thank you, Mr Weasley, for that eloquent introduction," she stated. "We have two reports to hear before we move on to the main topic for today - Flitwick has some information about a Potion to create a duplicate of Potter, complete with magical signature. And yes, I said Potion, not Charm."

Arthur Weasley reported on his trip with his son Charlie to the Albanian forests where Bertha Jorkins had been last sighted several years before. They had found nothing other than an old colony of dryads.

Alastor Moody reported on the trip he and Remus Lupin had taken to the orphanage Tom Riddle had grown up in. They had found clues there before, and had hoped to find new ones. They had not.

With the formalities completed, all eyes turned at once to the dimunitive Charms Professor. Filius Flitwick had never been part of Dumbledore's Order owing to disagreements he had with the old wizard about the importance of sharing information. Minerva was far more open about information, and Filius had joined the Inner Order without hesitation when invited by his old friend.

He had found an obscure Potion that could duplicate a magical signature. However, it had some drawbacks.

"It's actually a Potion from Estonia. You can think of it as advanced version of Polyjuice. I only found it by chance, through a footnote in a Charms book in my family library. There are, however, a number of difficulties. The easiest one concerns its primary ingredient, which is the blood of the person being impersonated."

The teacher waited a moment for the resulting swearing to die down. Obtaining Harry's blood was highly non-trivial, and if that was the easiest difficulty...

"I mentioned that the Potion is like Polyjuice. This means someone has to drink it to look like and bear the magical signature of Mr Potter. This is, obviously, not ideal. And no Order member can volunteer to take the Potion, because it has to be taken by a - er - Muggle."

Minerva glanced at Hermione, who was staring at the Charms master in disbelief. Relieved that the Muggleborn witch was less of a hothead than her late boyfriend, and wondering for a fleeting moment how Lily Evans would have reacted to such a pronouncement, she broke the silence.

"I presume, Filius, that you had a reason for suggesting this. Substituting Mr Potter with an innocent Muggle does not sound like an option."

"There are Muggles in life imprisonment for murder," offered Shacklebolt. He had Squib friends in the Muggle police. Hermione opened her mouth, as if to protest, then seemed to realize something and nodded slightly. "There are several ethical issues, of course. It seems acceptable to substitute Mr Potter with a guilty Muggle for three years. The trickier issue is the Obliviation that will need to occur afterwards. The Muggle prison will have noticed his disappearance, so we cannot return him there without Mass Obliviation. And if we return him to the streets, he is not punished for his crimes. Finding a Muggle who has three years left on his sentence is a better idea, but Muggle prisons are allowed visitors, and they would notice his absence."

Filius coughed diplomatically. "Thank you, Kingsley. You see the many problems with that option. However, I believe there are a couple of loopholes with the Potion. First, the reason for the substitute being a Muggle. This is to avoid interference with any existing magic the substitute has." There were nods around the room. "Second, it is quite likely that the substitute does not have to be human. Merely close to it."

Minerva could see the wheels turning in the heads of both Fleur and Remus, the two non-humans in the room. Remus was harder to read, of course, but she had long practice in that activity. Fleur was more of an open book, and Minerva could see the instant the quarter-Veela realized that magical non-humans would not fit Flitwick's requirements.

"A non-magical animal, Professor?" asked Hermione, after some thought. At Flitwick's nod, she continued. "A primate? An ape! Would a gorilla work?"

"I suspect so, Miss Granger," squeaked Filius, as if resisting the temptation to award House points. "Although a chimpanzee would be a better option, since they are more closely related to humans. I had the chance to visit the library before coming to this meeting." The witch flushed at the correction, and acknowledged his diplomatic wording of it. After all, she hadn't got a chance to check the library herself.

"Gracious!" exclaimed Tonks in a faux high tone. "We get to make a monkey out of Harry!"

"No, Nim dear" chuckled Remus, "quite the opposite. And Hermione, please don't get in the way of a good joke and point out that monkeys are not apes."

When the snickering had died down, the Headmistress continued. "Filius. Let us suppose we obtain some of Mr Potter's blood and a chimpanzee. How difficult is the Potion to make? And the legal implications?"

"The imbiber of the Potion looks like the person whose blood is used, complete with magical signature. The Potion is, I believe, a couple of years above NEWT level." He nodded at Fleur, who was studying to be a Potions Mistress and the best candidate to make it. "It would be illegal in Britain if the Ministry knew of it. It is restricted by name in Estonia, but I do not know if any wizard or witch there actually knows what the Potion with its name actually does."

"How long does it last?" asked Moody, cognisant of his own long and unfortunate experience with a Polyjuiced doppelganger.

"The Potion originated from an error," said Flitwick, wincing. "It does not wear off."

"Ouch," exclaimed George Weasley, serial guinea pig for experimental products.

"Can't imagine how they figured that out," muttered Fred Weasley, fellow serial guinea pig.

"Does Polyjuice work on a chimpan - on a chimp?" asked Bill Weasley, looking at his wife.

"I do not know," she replied. "I know it does not work on me, and I am mostly human."

"But it does work on werewolves," offered Remus, doubtless also from personal experience.

"I do not think we can tell in advance," Flitwick pointed out. "After all, this is not Polyjuice. I said you could think of it as Polyjuice. Perhaps for now we should try a chimpanzee, and if this fails, we consider ... alternatives.

"I second Filius' statement," said Minerva, gathering everyone's attention. "We will investigate the chimp option first. I believe the twins will be delighted to acquire one - no, make that two. Is this an acceptable task, Misters Weasley?"

Fred and George did not bother to even look at each other before screaming their affirmative response.

Rubbing her ears, Minerva continued. "We still need to work out how to obtain Harry's blood. Filius, how much blood is required for one dose of potion?"

"One and half standard vials per dose, Minerva," he replied. "In addition, there are a couple of other difficult ingredients." He gave the recipe for the Potion to Fleur. After a couple of minutes, she nodded.

"I see that they can be obtained using the usual methods," stated the old witch. "Please let me know if you need Order funds for this, Fleur. I would also suggest, if I even need to suggest it, that you buy the ingredients outside Britain, and in different locations. This is not a Potion we want anyone to be able to guess at. Its possibilities are most disquieting." There were several nods at that. "Has anyone any objections?"

"Yes, Minerva," grunted Moody. "The animal may look like Potter after drinking the Potion, but it is not going to behave like him. It is not going to behave like a human. After we switch Potter with it, those watching the cell will notice at once!"

"Bugger."

No-one disagreed with Tonks' statement or language.

"Imperius?" suggested Shacklebolt. "It's not against regulations to use it on animals. We could ask Potter to go all moody and silent before the switch. Then it will not look that unusual."

"A good idea, but it would not last," countered Moody, false eye rolling madly. "Someone would notice, even if it takes a week. And then it will be discovered that there has been a switch, and he will be hunted. And those close to him will be watched."

Arguments about this continued for a few minutes, with no-one able to provide a persuasive counter argument. Eventually, Minerva called a halt to the discussion, and came to a decision.

"This is what we will do," she said, in a voice that brooked no further discussion. "Misters Fred and George Weasley will obtain two male chimpanzees from some zoo in London or some place. Try to obtain the calmest possible animal, please. Understood?"

"Yes ma'am," said George.

"We will endeavour..." said Fred.

"... to find a pair of monkeys ..." continued George. (Tonks clapped her hand over Hermione's mouth to stop her yelling "Ape!")

"... that are most unlike us," finished Fred.

"That will do," replied McGonagall, rolling her eyes. "Take it to the Room of Requirements at Hogwarts. Auror Shacklebolt and Miss Granger will investigate possible Muggle prisoners we might abduct should the apes not work out. Now we must discuss the question of how to obtain blood from Mr Potter."

The meeting continued for another hour.