The Amazing Illegal Wonder Potion

Chapter 6

Stir My Cauldron

"Oh, he thinks he's so good, well, I'll show him, lousy Slytherin, thinks he can just dump me, oohh, the bastard!"

Ginny Weasley listened to Hermione's tirade, sighing inwardly. She had put up with night after night of graphic descriptions of the other girl's escapades, never raising any objections, never saying, "Hermione, I really don't want to hear this!"

Ginny wondered how somebody so intelligent could be so blind.

"Look, Hermione, maybe you're better off without him?" she said when Hermione paused for breath. "I mean okay, he is the greatest shag in the school, but he's also a slimy git, and a Slytherin to boot! And he's not a natural blonde!"

Hermione looked at Ginny in surprise. "Really? How do you know that?"

"I, er, that is, he dropped his bag when he was moving in, and his shampoo fell out. It was Madame Barbara's Fortifying Shampoo, with Bleaching Potion. It's what Seamus uses to get the highlights in his hair."

"Er, how do you know what Seamus uses?"

"Ummm... I saw it in their bathroom when I was going out with Dean. It had to be Seamus's, because I know Harry, Ron, Neville and Dean don't bleach their hair!"

"Riiiiight... Okay, and how do you know Draco's the best shag in the school?"

For a moment Ginny entertained the idea of telling her the truth, but decided that "Because I've shagged every boy in the school" was something she should keep to herself. It wasn't strictly true, either: she hadn't shagged anyone below her year, and she hadn't shagged Harry or Ron. And Ron didn't count. So Ginny just said, "Because you told me, stupid!" and left it at that.

There were some things Hermione was better off not knowing.

"Hmm... well, maybe you're right. Plenty of other men out there!"

And women, thought Ginny.

"Actually," continued Hermione, "d'you know who I think is really sexy?"

Oh, here we go, thought Ginny, though she allowed herself a tiny sliver of hope.

"Professor Snape!"

For a moment Ginny thought she hadn't heard right.

"What?" she gasped.

"Oh, I've always loved his classes! I think he'd a very disturbed man underneath..."

"I'm sure he is! Come on, Hermione, Snape? I mean... if you're going to go for someone that old, surely you can do better than that? Sirius is a very disturbed man underneath, and at least he's nice!"

"Yeah, but there's something about Sevvy... Oohh, he can come and stir my cauldron, anytime!"

Ginny suppressed the urge to retch. There was just no accounting for taste.

Chapter 7

Bugger This

Sirius stirred the cauldron. This potion had better be worth it, he thought. Collecting goat's urine on the full moon is not as easy as it sounds: goats are surprisingly reluctant to pee into a bucket. And Ecstasy! Sirius had to admire Nanny Ogg's ingenuity in discovering this ingredient - it had taken Sirius several days to figure out what it actually was, and then a few more days to work out how to obtain it.

In the end, actually getting hold of the stuff had proved ridiculously easy: it had only taken him about five minutes of inquiries in a Muggle nightclub.

Now the potion was nearly finished. All he had to do was take a sample, add the virgin's blood, and force his target to drink it.

It would not do to use it on Harry straight away, of course. If Sirius had made a mistake when preparing the potion, things could go horribly wrong. He would need to test it on somebody else first.

His meditations were interrupted by a knock on the door. He quickly closed the cupboard, and went to open it.

"There you are!" said Remus as he came in. "I've been looking all over for you. Why was this door locked?"

"Umm..."

"And where did that goat come from?"

"Um, ah, I don't know! It's amazing what turns up in this house! But that's why the door's locked, 'cause this goat had some weird powers and I don't want it getting out."

"Weird powers? Like what?" asked Remus curiously, as the goat began to chew on his robes. "Looks like a pretty ordinary goat to me."

"We-ell, for one thing it can fly. Only it doesn't do it all the time. And it can turn doorknobs, don't ask me how, but it can, so I have to keep the door locked."

"Really? I think I'd like to study it. This is truly fascinating!"

"Umm, Remus, look, I don't think that's such a good idea..."

"Why not? It's not dangerous is it?"

"No, but... I mean yes... Oh bugger this! Obliviate!"

"Haha, hi Sirius, I was just looking for you! Isn't that cute, you've got a goat up here to keep Buckbeak company. Wanna shag? Not you!" (The last bit was addressed to the goat, which had moved on to chewing Remus's already threadbare trousers.)

"Uh, look I'm kinda busy right now..."

Remus's smile disappeared and was replaced by a pout. "You always say you're too busy."

Sirius groaned. He really didn't want to do this now. But Remus seemed to have decided that it was time to talk this over, and Sirius had no way out.

"Look, Remus..."

"Oh no, I know what's going on. Yeah, you've never been the same since you got out of Azkaban. You're always too busy, or you've got a headache, or you're washing your hair..."

"I..."

"Don't "I" me! You know, I don't think you ever really wanted me; it was just because James wasn't available anymore! And now you think I'm too old and I have too much grey hair, and who cares about my feelings..."

Sirius couldn't help feeling guilty. After all, Remus had been quite a good shag. He would have to break it off soon, he knew. But with Remus standing there looking at him with those gorgeous blue eyes, looking so lost and forlorn, Sirius simply couldn't bring himself to hurt him.

The potion could wait one more day.

"Come on, Moony. I'll make it up to you."

I can always dump him tomorrow.