The Amazing Illegal Wonder Potion

Chapter 5

Lousy Shag

Draco Malfoy was in a very bad mood.

At the start of his stay at Grimmauld Place, he had simply been bored; most of the interesting Dark Arts stuff had been cleared out of the house, and there was nothing left to occupy him. He was angry with his mother for being so spineless. Thanks to her, he was now a deserter, forced to join Potter and his loyal crew of arse-lickers. They were all so bloody lame!

Well, except for Granger. That Mudblood sure was a demon in the sack.

However, although Draco had gained a new respect for the girl, he was beginning to realise that she really wasn't what he wanted. Once the initial shock of hearing the biggest geek in the school scream "Fuck me, Slytherin!" had worn off, Draco had started to get bored. Hot as this girl had turned out to be, Draco was not attracted to her. Not one tiny bit.

Hermione, unfortunately, didn't seem to be capable of taking a hint. Every time Draco had tried to tell her that he really didn't want to do this anymore, she would smile a wicked little smile and say "Oohh, naughty boy! You don't want to do your homework? I'll have to put you on detention!" and conjure up some cords to bind him to the bed. After that, no amount of pleading would force her to stop. Eventually, Draco had managed to corner her and disarm her before she could perform her "detention" routine. He had then told her, in no uncertain terms, that he was not interested, she was not his girlfriend, and if she tried to put him on "detention" again, he would use the Imperius curse to force her to run the length of Diagon Alley stark naked.

Five minutes after this exchange was over, purple, pus-filled zits had appeared on Draco's forehead, spelling out the words "Lousy shag". Draco couldn't help feeling hurt; he had thought she was enjoying herself! He cornered her again, asking what he'd done wrong, to which she replied, "I'd be more worried about your embarrassing disease, if I were you."

"What embarrassing disease?" he asked incredulously.

"The one you're going to get if you don't bugger off right now!"

"You can't use magic in the holidays, Granger!"

"Take a good look in the mirror, Draco," she replied sweetly. "This house is hidden. I can do as much magic as I want and the Ministry will be none the wiser. Now, what would you prefer? Syphilis or crabs?"

Draco made a hasty retreat.

He decided to concentrate on getting rid of the zits. Unfortunately, none of his expensive, high-class skincare potions seemed to have the slightest effect. You had to admire the Mudblood's curses.

Unable to think of any other alternative, Draco went to search for Professor Snape.

The potions master took one look at Draco's face and grimaced.

"That's a nasty curse, and if normal skincare potions don't work, you'll just have to wait for it to wear off."

"And how long will that take?" asked Draco anxiously.

"We-ell... Let's just say you won't be shagging anybody for the next few months, Malfoy. Except maybe..."

Snape seemed to catch himself. He shook his head and glared at Draco.

"Whom were you shagging, Malfoy?"

"No one," muttered Draco and then cursed himself, because he realised he was going red.

Snape considered this for a moment. "And are you really a lousy shag?"

"Of course not!" screamed Draco indignantly. "Me, Draco Malfoy, a lousy shag? Are you out of your mind? I'm the best shag in the whole damn school!"

"Really."

And Snape smiled.

That smile, Draco knew, would visit him again in his nightmares. Until now he had rather admired Severus Snape: his treatment of Potter and his stupid friends was noting short of commendable. And he had always shown blatant favouritism towards Draco.

Now Draco knew why. Potions rapidly dropped down a few notches on his list of favourite subjects.

My life is so difficult he thought. Everybody mistreats me. Then he added as an afterthought, and nobody understands me.