The Amazing Illegal Wonder Potion

Chapter 4

Nanny Ogg's Seekret Resupee

Sirius began his research broadly, searching the house for any books on love spells. As might have been expected, the search did not go very well. In fact, the closest thing he could find could most accurately be described as a book of post-love spells. It had detailed, full-colour illustrations. Sirius's hand shook a little as he hastily replaced the book on its shelf. He just barely resisted the urge to look down his trousers for reassurance.

Having exhausted the possibilities his house had to offer, Sirius began to consider his other options. The obvious place to search for books was the Hogwarts library, but there was simply no way for an adult to get in there without being noticed. As Sirius's name had still not been cleared, this was out of the question.

The other option was the public wizarding library in Diagon Alley. It was not as well stocked as Hogwarts, but it would be much easier to get into undetected. It was still a terrible risk though, and Sirius was sceptical about his chances of finding what he needed in there.

And then there was Knockturn Alley.

Sirius knew, deep down inside, that this offered his best chance of finding the spell he needed. However, he was still reluctant to enter that pit of depravity. He shuddered at the memory of his childhood shopping trips with his mother. Knockturn Alley was the one place he had never dared to enter as a Marauder.

However, he had to admit that the magic he needed would probably involve the Dark Arts - and Knockturn Alley was the most likely place for him to find it.

That night, Sirius pulled on a dark, hooded cloak, and wrapped a scarf around the lower half of his face. He knew that he looked like he had something to hide, but this would hardly raise an eyebrow where he was going. Some people might even find it attractive. In fact, if he got the Haunted Eyes look just right, he would be positively irresistible. He looked in the mirror until he was satisfied, and took some Floo powder from the pouch at his waist.

"Knockturn Alley!" he said, and was whisked away into the green flames.

He emerged in what at first appeared to be a pub, though it was even dingier than The Leaky Cauldron. Smoke billowed around the soot-encrusted ceiling. The floor was covered in mouldy rushes, which had probably been there since the Dark Ages. Sounds of belching, fighting and drunken singing were mingled with shrill female giggling.

Sirius knew where he was. The Naked Virgin was a legend among the boys at Hogwarts; it was the reason why many were so eager to enter Knockturn Alley. It was also the main reason they were all strictly forbidden to do so. The Dark Arts stuff was dangerous, sure, but to the mind of a mother nothing is quite as terrible as the thought of her little boy visiting a place like The Naked Virgin. And to the little boy, of course, nothing is quite as exciting.

Taking a quick look at what the infamous Virgin had to offer, Sirius thought that any boy who did manage to get in would be in for a great disappointment. You would get a much better show by sneaking into the girls' changing rooms at school. That, of course, had been James's idea: Sirius had spent the time groping James under the Invisibility Cloak.

He had not planned on visiting the brothel, and was about to leave when he realised that this might be the very place where he could find what he needed. So, somewhat reluctantly, he sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The beer smelled like something that had already passed through somebody's kidneys, but it allowed Sirius to sit in a corner and carefully observe the brothel's other patrons without looking out of place. He soon located the most likely candidate for helping him out: a large woman with even larger breasts (engorgement charm, thought Sirius) who laughed like a horse and appeared to be in charge of the other women around her. Sirius quickly pretended to drink some of the beer, then disappeared it with his wand when he was sure no one was looking. He stood up and approached the woman.

"Oohh, here's a handsome one," roared the woman when she noticed him. "And what is such a handsome prince doing in a place like this? Surely the ladies must be falling over themselves for those puppy-dog eyes?"

Sirius was momentarily taken aback. Puppy-dog eyes? That didn't sound right... he would need to practice more often. Oh well, she seemed to mean it as a compliment...

"What would you like, my dear?" said the woman. "Rita here gives blow-jobs for ten galleons, or you can get the lot for twenty! Or perhaps you prefer someone a bit younger?"

Sirius was distracted again by the witch-whore the woman had indicated. She looked vaguely familiar. Sirius shook his head. Concentrate on the job at hand. You don't even like women!

"Er, no, erm actually, I was wondering if I could have a word with you? In private?"

"Oohh, he goes for the older ones! But surely you don't want this old biddy, dear? I been in this business too long, dear!"

"Er... and a fine figure of a woman you are! Er... I'll pay extra?"

That seemed to settle the matter. "Don't get into trouble, girls!" called the woman over her shoulder as she led Sirius up the rickety stairs at the back of the pub.

"My name is Mama Atilla. Don't ask me why. Someone suggested it and it sort of stuck." She opened a door at the top of the stairs and led him into a small, musty-smelling room.

"Er... Miss... er... Atilla..."

"That's Mama Atilla, dear."

"Yeah, that's right. Um... I'm not too sure how to explain this..."

"It's okay, dear. You don't have to explain anything. Honestly, I've never seen one so nervous at your age!" And she pulled the door closed behind her.

It did take a bit of explaining, and by the time Sirius managed to get the message across, he had yet another mental scar to add to his collection. But his efforts were not wasted, and he returned to Grimmauld place clutching a book entitled Nanny Ogg's Seekret Resupee.

Mama Atilla claimed that this was the most potent love potion ever invented, and that it would work on anybody. "It's simple, dear," she told him. "They drink the potion, just a couple of sips will do, and the first person they see will be the person they fall in love with. Classic, really."

One glance at the recipe told Sirius that his main problem would be brewing this potion without anybody becoming suspicious. He looked at the ingredients list and groaned.

"Goats," he muttered. "Why does Dark Magic always have to involve goats?"

He read further. "Okay, eye of newt and toe of frog I can handle... Let's see, what else... Boomslang skin, okay... Okay... Mandrake root... Fine... Fine... This could be a bit expensive... Fine... What the hell is Ecstasy? I'll have to research that... and... oh bugger!"

There are some conventions which never die. Some of them become illegal, which would be fine if you were only interested in brewing legal potions. Some of the more controversial ingredients often have less offensive alternatives, and may old potions have been re-invented to modern, acceptable recipes.

Unfortunately, love potions have been illegal for a very long time, so their inventors never really bothered with trying to brew them using legal ingredients. And as far as Sirius knew, wizard-kind had yet to come up with an adequate alternative to virgin's blood.

This was going to be tricky.

In fact, getting hold of virgin's blood is not as difficult as some other things. Anyone who has ever tried to wrestle a goat into a fireplace in the middle of the night will be able to tell you that. Scratched and bruised by the goat's horns and hoofs, Sirius finally solved the problem by stunning the animal and dragging it in. Virgin's blood suddenly seemed simple by comparison.

As it happened, Sirius didn't even have to make any particular effort to obtain the ingredient. He was in the kitchen when Hermione, who had been chopping vegetables for Mrs Weasley, suddenly swore in a most un-virgin like manner and dropped the knife. Blood was oozing out of a cut on her thumb.

"Dammit..." she muttered. "Underage wizardry, my arse. Never got the hang of wandless cooking."

"Here, take this," said Sirius, passing her a tea towel. "I'll just find my wand..."

"Thanks," she replied, holding the tea towel to the bleeding cut. Sirius quickly healed her, and took the towel.

"I'll go chuck this in the wash," he said, and sprinted up to the room where Buckbeak the hippogriff was enjoying a hearty meal of dead rats.

Buckbeak's eating habits made most of the other inhabitants of Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place avoid this room. Harry, Ron and Hermione came up here occasionally, but as long as Sirius kept the cauldron with the potion in the cupboard, he should be pretty safe.

He set some wards on the cupboard, so that only he would be able to open it. If anybody asked, he could just say that he had never been able to get that cupboard open. That way, if anybody did manage to open it, he could pretend that he didn't know what the potion was.

Grinning to himself, he began adding ingredients to the cauldron. The tea towel had been stored in a jar for the time being: virgin's blood was the last ingredient to go in, when the potion was ready to be taken.

"You're mine, James Potter," said Sirius, humming under his breath.

He paused, catching himself.

"Harry, I mean," he corrected. "Harry."

Then he grinned again.

"Whatever."