The Magical Twenty-Six

Draco Malfoy, defender of the evil world, was taking martial arts class.

He was also failing miserably at it.

"No, no, young grasshopper," said his martial arts teacher and mentor, O.J. Simpson. "If you want to kill someone, that's definitely not how you do it."

"But, teacher, I though martial arts were for defending oneself," replied Malfoy.

"Of course, you're right," laughed O.J. nervously. "But if I was going to kill someone using the martial arts this is how I would do it." He handed Draco Malfoy a book titled: If I Had Killed My Wife (Which I didn't), this is How I Would Kill Her Using the Martial Arts.

"Wow," said Draco. "That looks pretty deep."

"It is..." agreed O.J., "...it is."

------

Back at Hogwarts, Pansy Parkinson (a.k.a. "Worshiper of Draco Malfoy") asked Draco how his summer had been.

"How was your summer, Draco, my love?"

"It was Chop Suey, Pansy-Dear."

"What are you talking about? We are in Britain! This is not the Asian country for which Chop Suey comes from!" Pansy was becoming quite vehement. So, Draco tried to calm her down.

"Pansy, Pansy, do not worry your little pig-nosed face about anything I say or do."

Pansy fluttered her eyelashes "provocatively." Draco thought she looked like a pig getting eyelash extensions. He tried not to shudder, for that would make her overly upset and then she would pitch a fit which would lead to detention with Filch. Draco did not want detention with Filch, for Draco liked being able to sit the day after detention, if you know what I mean.

Sitting on the train Draco Malfoy then spotted his arch-nemesis, Harry Potter. How Draco hated that Potter boy with every fiber of his being. He was not jealous of Draco, goodness no, but he wanted to tear him limb from limb. Those green eyes would be ripped out by Draco's finger nails, his nose would dangle from his face after Draco took a hacksaw and....

No, now Draco was thinking too much like his mentor, O.J. Simpson. That would never do.

Draco let out a heavy sigh, if only he could use martial arts on the offense instead of only on the defense!

And then he saw the person he would most like to beat up: Ron Weasley. Draco knew that nobody would miss that Weasley kid if he were gone. And his teacher, O.J. always said it was okay to kill people with the martial arts if those people were extremely stupid.

Draco knew that Ron Weasley was stupider than a melting ice cream cone on the back of a mud bathing elephant that was standing on a baobab tree in the middle of summer in Kenya.

Not that Draco knew how ice cream cones were stupid. He didn't happen to know that ice cream cones generally have an I.Q. of zero point five.

"Hey, Weasley," said Draco.

"Huh?" replied Ron, stupidly.

"Hi-ya!" shouted Draco, karate chopping Ron in the throat.

Ron gurgled a bit and then fell to the ground, clutching his throat.

"Haha, had enough, Weasley?" Draco laughed.

Weasley wheezed in reply.

"You have? Well too bad!" Draco Malfoy then finished Ron off with a fingernail stab to the jugular.

Harry Potter, who had been watching this clear act of martial arts abuse the entire time, said to Draco, "Hey, man! That's the only sidekick I've got!"

"Too bad!" spat Draco.

Harry then grabbed Hermione and threw her at Draco.

Draco dodged successfully.

"KICK TIME!" shouted Draco.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" shouted Harry. Draco's foot then collided with Harry's face.

"Haha, Potter!"

"You, you, knave!" shouted Harry. "Why would you kick me knavishly in the face, you knave? Why the knavish kicking?"

"Because, I'm Draco Malfoy, protector of the dark side."

Draco Malfoy is now the face of victory.