The Magical Twenty-Six

As you all know, my master, Lord Voldemort, is a very evil man. He eats nails for breakfast. He tears the stuffing out of stuffed unicorns. He wouldn't let go of my Eggo. He would Crucio fluffy puppies. He put those motherf***ing snakes on that motherf***ing plane. He sold dogs to Michael Vicks. He would ding-dong-ditch McGonagall while he was at Hogwarts. Yes, he is very evil.

One day, Voldemort asked a favor of Lucius Malfoy. "My evil servant," Voldemort had said, "I need you to do me an evil favor and go evilly kill not-so-evil Snape in the middle of the evil night. Make no evil stops along the way."

"Yes, my evil master!" Lucius complied. I stood in the corner, tears in my eyes. I had wanted to kill Severus.

"But, master!" I protested. "I wanted to be the one to kill Snape!"

"Be quiet," my master had snapped. "You couldn't evil kill that red-headed kid."

"You ordered me not to."

"That's beside the point! If you were truly evil, you would have murdered him anyway. Besides, I have focused all my evil expectations of evil on the evil Lucius Malfoy. Now, I have some blind kids I need to kick down the stairs." And with that, he flounced out of the room. How my master enjoyed being evil.

It was then that I decided to keep up with my evil potential. I would spy on Lucius Malfoy. Oh yes, it was a great plan! I changed into my animagus form. I then scurried to Lucius' minivan. This was going to be a great trip.

I was correct in my assumptions that Lucius would make some unnecessary stops, for that is the way he is. On the way to the castle, he decided to stop at a muggle burger establishment by the name of "McDonalds." He ordered a double cheeseburger with no pickles.

When he finally got his food, Lucius sat down and took a large bite. He got an extremely displeased look on his face and said, "WTF!? THIS HAS PICKLES ON IT!"

The girl running the cashier looked at him without care or interest out of lazy-lidded eyes. I chuckled to myself. For one, I was not the one causing the scene.

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Lucius screamed. He then ran out of the fast food restaurant. As I followed my path was obstructed by a sharply-dressed man.

"Hello!" the man said cheerfully. "I'm Mr. Cleanse, your local health inspector." He looked down at me. "OH MY GOD, IT'S A RAT!"

I ran out of the door as fast as I could. Luckily, I managed to jump into the minivan before Lucius took off.

We finally arrived at Hogwarts. I hid in Lucius' robes as he went inside to kill Snape. This was going to be exciting. I hated Snape. Why? I really actually don't know. I think James Potter told me to hate him, but oh well.

"Snape," Lucius said. "I am here to murder you."

"Please don't!" Snape begged.

"Okay," replied Lucius.

Then Lucius and Snape (and me in Lucius' robes) went down to the Great Hall to get some frozen yogurt.

After they were done eating, we left. As we were pulling out of the parking lot (yes, Hogwarts has one) Lucius ran over a bump. He got out of the van in order to look at what the bump was. "Dammit," he said. "I ran over that Ron Weasley kid. Oh well, there's so many of those running around that Arthur and Molly won't notice."

When we got back to Voldemort's secret hideout, I went back to my normal form and told my master about all of the events of that day.

"Well, Lucius, you did not follow my directions. But you did however kill a muggle and a Weasley so that's worth about two thousand points and then you got a free frozen yogurt out of it so that's worth another two hundred and fifty. So, all in all, you had a good day." He turned to me. "You on the other hand, Pettigrew, have spied on a fellow Death Eater. That can be punished by evil."

And he did punish me too.

What's my punishment? Well let's just say it's dark and smelly inside Mrs. Norris' stomach.