The Magical Twenty-Six

Draco Malfoy was lonely. Sure, he had a giant mob of fangirls ready to wait on him hand and foot, but that was superficial. Draco needed someone to love him unconditionally. He needed a baby. Draco knew male pregnancy was not for him. Draco needed someone to carry his child for him... But he didn't know who.

There was Pansy, but she was dog-ugly. Draco did not want his precious child to inherit that insanely ugly pug-like nose that Pansy had plastered in the middle of her face. Besides, Pansy would be a crap Mum. Why? Well, it just so happened that Pansy was addicted to crack and Firewhiskey. He would not have his baby be a crack kid.

There was Millicent, a Slytherin. However, Millicent was what some people would call "morbidly obese." Yes, Draco knew she was more than fat though. She happened to be disgusting, too.

There was Ginny Weasley. She was pretty cute, but Draco knew that another Weasley didn't need to be brought into the world. He knew there were already enough to rule an entire country, so Ginny was out.

Then, Draco had an epiphany. That epiphany came in the form of Hermione Granger. Sure, she was a mudblood, but don't let Voldemort try to tell you he hasn't knocked up one or two of them in his time. She was mildly attractive, the only really bad things about her appearance were her bushy hair and buck teeth. Draco hoped his divine looks would overpower those flaws. Hermione was also very smart.

After thinking over all of these things, Draco knew he had to get Hermione to carry his baby... but how?

Draco tried chocolates. Hermione refused his request. Next, he tried expensive jewels. That too, was shot down by Granger. Draco begged, Draco pleaded, and Draco cried, but Hermione would not budge on her decision.

When Draco resorted to death threats, Hermione had had enough. "NO, DRACO! FOR THE LAST TIME, I WILL NOT CARRY YOUR DEMON SPAWN!"

"But, WHY!?" whined Draco. They were standing by the Black Lake; Draco currently had a gun pointed at Hermione.

"Because... because I'm in love with... erm..." She looked around quickly, searching for anyone with male genetalia within reach. "...WITH RON!" She grabbed Ron Weasley, who had just been walking by at that very moment. She kissed him full on the mouth. "And put that gun away!"

Draco complied as Ron fainted from the shock of the kiss. Ron then proceeded to fall into the lake. Luckily, Ron didn't swallow much water before he gained consciousness, so he didn't drown.

"RON! YOU COULD HAVE DIED!" Hermione shouted.

"IT'S YOUR FAULT!" Ron countered. "If you didn't love me so much this wouldn't have happened."

"UGH!" said Hermione in an almost disgusted voice. She marched toward the castle.

"Are you jealous, Malfoy?" Ron asked. He was wearing a look of gloat on his freckled-face.

"Weasley, she doesn't like you! She only kissed you so she could get away from me! Wait...I'm not even presenting a logical argument." Draco paused for a moment. Ron said nothing. "Weasley, are you even listening to me? Ew... you're not looking so well..."

Ron had passed out onto the grass, the color of which his skin matched. Draco looked at him oddly while Ron made a scary-sounding gurgling noise. Suddenly, Ron's stomach began to... well... squiggle. Draco looked at it until Ron's stomach randomly exploded with a deep, quiet "boom" and out popped an adorably purple baby squid. It looked at Draco with loving eyes.

Draco removed the squid from Ron's innards and cradled it gently. One would almost say the baby squid cooed in Draco's arms.

Who cares if Weasley had to die for Draco's bliss?

Draco and his new baby squid, Shakisha, walked off towards the castle as the sun set to the West.