A Sackful of Holiday Horsefeathers

the twelfth installment of

A Sackful of Holiday Horsefeathers

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McGonagall turned to Lupin and Hagrid and asked, "Would you like to hear a rumor, by any chance?"

"What is it?" asked Lupin.

"I heard that Severus won't inherit the Snape Estate after his father's death unless he's married," said McGonagall, savoring every word.

Lupin smirked. "I almost feel sorry for him now."

Hagrid nodded.

"His father doesn't want to leave Severus a single Knut unless he can produce an heir," continued McGonagall. "Perhaps he'll find someone compatible. If not, his family estate is going to be turned over to the Department for Magical Parks and Recreation."

"No!" exclaimed Lupin in disbelief.

"Yes," said McGonagall. "It's going to become a national park. And all of the Snapes' wealth will be donated to charitable organizations."

"Charitable organizations... like what?" inquired a dazed Lupin.

McGonagall grinned. "Like animal shelters and hospitals. And libraries for underprivileged children. Mr. Ealhdun is prepared to donate his entire library of magic books; it's already stated in his will."

Hagrid said, "He's a good man, that Mr. Ealhdun Snape. Pity his son went astray like he did."

Lupin asked, "But doesn't Severus have any brothers or sisters? Or any cousins who could inherit the estate?"

"No." McGonagall shook her head. "And he probably won't have any in the future, either. Lady Odette absolutely refuses to give birth to another child."

"Where do you get all this information from?" asked Lupin.

"Well, I admit, I wouldn't know half the things I do if it weren't for Poppy," said McGonagall. "If you want to know anything, she's the woman to ask."

Hagrid advised him, "Just be careful not to tell her anything personal-like." He still resented talking to Pomfrey about his crush on Madame Maxime.

"What other charities did Snape Senior pick?" asked Lupin.

"Um... I believe he chose some natural hot springs in Austria. He's apparently very fond of bathing there," said McGonagall.

"Oh," said Lupin. "We don't, um, happen to have any hot springs in Hogwarts, do we? Other than the Prefects' Bath--"

"No, we don't. I already checked while we were looking for the Chamber of Secrets," said McGonagall curtly. "But don't tell Dumbledore."

"I won't," said Lupin.

Madame Pomfrey was then seen running through the dining hall looking flushed and breathless. The house-elves who were busily mopping the floor dropped their buckets and scurried away so as not to be seen.

"Minerva!" cried Madame Pomfrey as she burst in upon them.

"What is the matter this time?" inquired McGonagall with a slight note of annoyance. She couldn't get more than a moment alone with Remus Lupin, it seemed.

Pomfrey stopped to catch her breath, and then she said, "The children--I tested their blood for drugs, and I found traces of opiate! Oh, dear. How could they have snuck it in? Where did they get it from? Those poor, poor children. How could anybody--"

"Opiate?" Lupin intervened. "Do you mean opium?"

"Why, yes. Draco Malfoy had the most of it," said Pomfrey.

"And Ginny?" inquired McGonagall.

"She had some as well, but not as much as Draco and Hermione."

"We need to tell their parents," said McGonagall.

"Oh, dear. I suppose we have to," said Pomfrey. "I hate that part of my job."

"If you don't mind, Poppy, could I have a look at the samples myself?" asked McGonagall.

"Oh, of course. Right then, come along." Pomfrey turned to leave, expecting the Headmistress to follow straight away; the nurse was still quite flustered.

McGonagall gave her sweetheart a lingering peck on the cheek, and he returned the gesture with a kiss on her lips.

"I won't be long," she told him.

"I know you won't," he murmured.

She beamed at him, slowly backing away, and mouthed silently 'bye.' Then she departed with Madame Pomfrey.

Hagrid took a step toward Lupin. "Well, if it isn't one thing, it's another," he muttered.

Lupin grunted. (Yes, Lupin grunts. All men grunt. It is the universal mode of male communication.)

Hagrid interpreted this as a sign of agreement, which it was. "Now, see here. I bet it was Draco Malfoy who bought the drugs. Always those rich kids who buy the expensive stuff, they get the money from their parents."

"I never heard of any drug problems when I went to school here," said Lupin.

Hagrid scratched his beard. "Come to think of it, neither did I."

"Are we losing our memories?"

"No, I don't think so," said Hagrid uncertainly.

"Maybe I'm just choosing to remember the good parts, like that saying goes with 'rose-colored glasses,'" suggested Lupin.

"No. If there ever was a drug problem, I'd a remembered it," said Hagrid, more certain this time.

Lupin nodded, stroking his chin. It was covered in soft fuzz--the beginnings of a beard. He was letting his sideburns grow out as well, for Minerva had said she liked the way they looked on him.

Hagrid suddenly remembered that he had unaccomplished work. He frowned and said, "Wish I could stay and chat an' have a drink with you, but I've got more work to do. Stables need cleaning out, an' they're not about to do it on their own."

Lupin smiled. "Well, it was nice talking to you. I'm sure we'll see you at lunch."

"Oh, probably," said Hagrid.

"Take care," said Lupin.

Still leaning out over the porch railing, Remus Lupin heaved a sigh. His lungs filled up with the sweet, intoxicatingly fresh, country air. It was so beautiful here--here at Hogwarts, that is. He'd hardly had time to appreciate its natural beauty as a student, and even less as a professor, but the memory had somehow endured.

It was chilly, being December, but Lupin's heavy wool robes kept him warm. Being at Hogwarts among the forest and Quidditch field and all the old familiar comforts made him feel at home again. Of course, Hogwarts seemed different to him in person than it did in his memory, but it was still beautiful. He hoped that it would stay this way forever--or at least for the next few millennia.

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Up in the office of Hogwarts' notably eccentric Headmaster, Dumbledore was scrutinizing the fifteen year-old boy who sat before him, none other than Harry Potter. The youth was trying to make himself comfortable in an over-sized, antique chair while being stared at by Severus Snape.

At the moment, Snape was presenting his evidence. "My office was clearly ransacked. A watering can was lying on the floor, plainly tipped over. There was water all over the floor."

Dumbledore put on a curious expression. "What, may I ask, do you do with a watering can?"

Snape glared back at him. "I water my plants."

"You have plants?"

"Yes. Does that surprise you?" growled Snape.

Dumbledore quickly shook his head. "No. Not at all. Harry, where were you last night?"

"I was asleep in my room. With Ron," replied Harry.

"Well, if that's all you have to say, Harry, then you may leave. Go have fun with your friends. Professor Snape, it appears that you were mistaken."

Harry murmured, "Thank you, sir," and began to rise out of the high-backed chair.

A nonchalant drawl broke the relieved atmosphere. "Sit down, Potter, or Ah'll break ya fingas," Snape threatened.

Harry collapsed into his seat and grasped the armrests with trembling hands. Such a strange threat! Snape usually addressed them with, '(Insert Gryffindor name here), why did you let that cauldron boil over? Ten points from Gryffindor!'

Dumbledore noticed the frightened look on Harry's face and told him, "Oh, Harry. He doesn't really mean it."

"It's not that, sir," Harry said. "I was just surprised at his--Professor Snape's change of threat. Usually it's, 'Ten points from Gryffindor.'"

"Oh, I see," said Dumbledore.

"I don't know if I can get used to this one," Harry went on. "Four and a half years of listening to the same expressions; I--I just can't switch horses midstream. It's too late for that."

Snape suggested, "Well, how about this one? Ten points from Gryffindor, or Ah'll break ya fingas!"

Harry squirmed. "It's an improvement."

"Thank you," said Snape.

Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Professor Snape, why did you order Harry to sit down?"

"Because we have more to discuss," growled Snape. "I found this on the floor of my office last night." He held out a tiny piece of silvery, luminescent fabric.

Dumbledore gently examined this piece of fabric. "It appears to be part of an Invisibility Cloak," he declared. He looked at Harry; his eyes had lost their luster.

Harry was dumbfounded. How had this happened? Weren't magical things, like, immune to rips and tears? Did Snape have an Invisibility Cloak as well? Or did Harry and Ron accidentally tear the one Harry owned? If so, how could it--

The shroud, last night it had been tossed upon--

"Do you have anything to say to the Headmaster, Mr. Potter?" inquired Snape.

Harry gulped. "Yes. I--I'm very sorry, but it had to be done," he began.

Last night, they must have tossed the cloak upon the mice cage! Those little vermin, they could chew through anything with their sharp teeth!

"What had to be done?" asked Dumbledore.

"Well, I guess I had to tell you sometime or other," said Harry. "Professor Snape was hiding a dangerous, three-headed snake in that box he brought back from Hogsmeade yesterday."

Snape laughed.

"It's true!" Harry's eyes glared angrily. "He's keeping it in an aquarium in his office, on top of a picnic table! And he feeds it live mice!"

Dumbledore was now paying close attention. "What did this snake look like?"

"It was orange and black, and it had giant fangs!"

"The boy is delusional. I have no such creature," proclaimed Snape.

Dumbledore continued his inquiries. "Did the creature speak to you, Harry?"

"Yes!" cried the boy. "She told me a lot of things. For instance, she told me that she's descended from the snake that belonged to Salazar Slytherin! And she mentioned you! She said that you were hiding her from Muggles because they wanted to use her in cloning experiments!"

"Why would they want to do that?" asked Dumbledore. He was getting confused. Up til the last statement, Harry's description had made sense.

"Because this snake, it's like, dividing right now. It's asexual, and it--it divides an' stuff," Harry said.

"Really?" Dumbledore raised his dignified, white eyebrows. "Well, I have something to tell you, Mr. Potter. I was in Professor Snape's office this morning, and there was no aquarium, no snake, and no live mice."

"Oh?" Harry felt as if he'd been tricked.

"Yes. Not only was his office lacking in dangerous beasts, the creature you described does not exist. There are no asexual, dividing, orange and black snakes in the real world. And I also find it highly unlikely that a snake would keep a record of its family tree. Even more unlikely that it would be linked to Salazar Slytherin," said Dumbledore.

Snape was very pleased.

Dumbledore concluded, "It's much more likely that you invented this story as a way to get out of trouble, Mr. Potter. To distract me from the fact that you broke into Professor Snape's office. You will have detention for this."

Harry gasped.

Snape added, "And count yourself lucky that nothing was missing."

Dumbledore wrote something down on a piece of paper and handed it to Harry. "You will be serving detention with Dobby in the kitchen. You are to scrub the pots and pans until lunchtime."

"Yes, sir," murmured Harry. He arose and walked toward the door in a daze. This wasn't supposed to happen! And with Dobby, nonetheless! That annoying, non-matching, self-liberated house-elf. Of course, Dobby meant well, and he was quite fun at times, but to spend a whole morning with him washing dishes! Snape would pay for this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hermione, Ron, and Ginny had engaged the help of Elaine and Elizabeth in their project, and they were now all assembled in the cellar laundry room. They had been making small talk for fifteen minutes, and Hermione had already taken on the role of notetaker. Other than that, nothing much had been accomplished.

The unmistakable voice of Draco Malfoy sliced the air like a knife. "Well, what have we here? Three Gryffindors, a Ravenclaw, and even a Hufflepuff."

Ron asked, "What are you doing here, Malfoy?"

"Nothing is complete without a Slytherin," answered Draco. He looked at Ron and said, "I changed my mind about Lupin. I think he is the best man for the job--after Snape, that is. And that's why I'm here, to help him get his job back."

"Is that all?" Ron asked, his voice laden with suspicion. The rest of the students waited expectantly for Draco's reply.

"What do you mean, 'is that all?'" said Draco, more than a little miffed. A year ago, he wouldn't have lifted a finger for Lupin, and now here he was, trying to do something nice for the man--

"I mean, Malfoy, what else do you have up your sleeve?" demanded Ron.

"I'm also hoping that McGonagall will lighten up our Transfiguration load," admitted Draco.

"What does that have anything to do with our plan?" demanded Elaine, the seventh year Ravenclaw. She looked down the tip of her nose at Draco.

Draco said to her, "A McGonagall getting laid on a regular basis is a lot nicer than a McGonagall giving us loads of homework on a regular basis."

Ginny said, "He has a good point."

Elizabeth nodded.

Draco said, "I really do want to get some work done. I think if we all sit down at this table and put our heads together, we could come up with something."

Hermione looked at him with admiration. Here was her man--taking charge! How sexy. "And I brought a notebook," she said. "So I'll be the official notetaker."

The six students each pulled up a chair and gathered around the table. Hermione ran a hand through her fluffy brown hair, trying to smooth it out, and opened the notebook to the first clean sheet. "So, does anyone have any ideas?"

Ron said, "This could be like SPEW, and we could make multi-colored pins for people to wear."

Hermione said, "I was thinking along the lines of something more effective this time."

Ron tried another idea. "Or we could hold a demonstration in the Front Foyer--for Dumbledore to see."

Ginny said, "And get Rita Skeeter to come, too. She could write about it in the Daily Prophet!"

"Interesting tactic," Hermione said tactfully, copying it down after Ron's demonstration idea. Somehow, Hermione found it hard to believe that Rita Skeeter would help them after the girl had trapped the Animagus in a glass jar last year. But it was worth a shot...

Elizabeth tried to brainstorm, but her mind was a blank. Why did it seem like everyone else could think of things at the drop of a hat? And then suddenly, she had an inspiration. "I could draw the posters!" she said. "The banners and the posters for the demonstration. I'd make them really big, I promise."

Hermione smiled, feeling that the project was getting underway. "That's smashing. I'd love to see the whole foyer covered in them. It would be like the sixties all over again..." A dreamy look came over her face.

Most of the magic folk were wondering, 'What's so special about the sixties?'

Ginny was thinking, 'Maybe it's the name of one of those Muggle dives...'

Ron was just happy that Draco hadn't made any suggestions yet. Ha! He was ahead of the blonde by two points!

A loud noise erupted behind them. Hermione jumped, and her quill skidded across the paper in a jagged, blotchy line.

"What was that?" exclaimed Ginny.

Elaine stood up and took one look at the washers. She groaned, "Not again," and raced over to her laundry basin. She tapped the brim with her wand and raised the lid. Elizabeth rushed to her side to help her.

"What's the matter?" Draco asked unexpectedly.

"I don't know," said Elaine. "It won't do the spin cycle. I was never very good with that charm, and it doesn't help that a million people use this washer every day!"

"If you'll allow me, ladies," said Draco suavely as he pulled his wand out and joined the two girls.

Elaine grimaced at him. "Oh, and what do you think you can do that I haven't already tried?"

Draco was not about to let her silly attitude dampen his charisma. "Watch, and maybe you'll learn something." He gently stirred his wand in the air in a counter-clockwise motion and recited, "Lavatura metere d'accordo." To the girls' relief, the familiar hum of the spin cycle resumed, and Draco smiled. "Also, if you want to keep your clothes from fading, I'll let you in on another secret. Fizzy Laundry Charming Flakes. They make everything fluffy soft, too. Here, feel my robes."

Draco leisurely extended an arm. Elizabeth looked at her friend Elaine and giggled. She gingerly touched the long, black sleeve of his cloak and declared, "They are soft."

.........................to be continued