A Sackful of Holiday Horsefeathers

the thirteenth installment of

A Sackful of Holiday Horsefeathers

~~~~~~~

"What is getting into the children these days?" said Dumbledore, shaking his head in wonder.

"Merlin knows," Snape muttered sullenly.

"First Hermione and Malfoy and Ginny Weasley in the Prefects' Bathroom, and now Harry Potter gallivanting all over the grounds," continued Dumbledore.

"If I may point out, sir, this is not the first time," Snape noted.

Dumbledore, as usual, paid no attention to the wizard's perpetual moroseness. "I would like to know the root of all this energy--in the absence of any external excitement, the students seem to be creating mayhem out of nothing... I would be very interested indeed."

"It is the sickness of adolescence," declared Snape.

"Ah, but whereas you see the goblet as half-empty, I see it as half-full," said Dumbledore. "Perhaps these shenanigans are the elixir of youth, and not its sickness. In the absence of the Dark Lord's reign of terror, we can realize what it is to rejoice. They have seen death; they have mourned the loss of Cedric Diggory, and now they are realizing how good it is to be alive. The joys of everyday life, once taken for granted--the frivolity, the forni--"

Snape rolled his eyes. "Headmaster, you have forgotten your place, which is to discipline the students, not admire them."

"Tsk, tsk. You do admonish me so," Dumbledore said. "If you don't learn how to agree with me, you'll never get that Defense Against the Dark Arts position you desire."

"Oh, but--"

"Now, Severus. Don't deny it, we all know it's true," Dumbledore said firmly.

"I never said--"

"Your assignment this January is to learn how to ingratiate yourself with me. Get in my good graces by displaying tactfulness and sincerity," Dumbledore told him. "Too often your sarcasm turns people away, and your brutal honesty is merely repugnant. If you think yourself clever, why don't you prove it to me?"

"What more shall I do? What more do you demand from me?" Snape questioned angrily.

"Just as I expect you to make certain all of your students pass their Potions exams, I expect you to learn the delicate art of brown-nosing."

Snape made an abrupt sound that resembled a cough.

It was at this time that Professor McGonagall and Madame Pomfrey arrived on the scene. Dumbledore let them in, not oblivious to the way Snape was staring at McGonagall. 'Oh, no. This is not boding well for harmonious employee relations,' the Headmaster thought.

As the two witches entered, Dumbledore said brightly, "Ah, my lovely ladies. Rejoice today, for tomorrow you could be dead."

McGonagall and Pomfrey hardly fluttered an eyelash; they were well used to his oddities by now.

"My dear Dumbledore, I--I have something to report," the nurse said, her voice coming soft and unsteady from her parted lips.

Dumbledore raised a silencing hand. "If it has anything to do with three-headed creatures of demonic origin, I don't want to hear about it."

"No," said McGonagall. "It's about health matters."

Pomfrey nodded.

McGonagall prompted her, "I believe this is your terrain."

"Oh, yes. Well, you see, this all goes back to the Bathroom Incident," said Pomfrey, a faint blush appearing on her cheeks.

Dumbledore nodded.

"Having tested the children for several other spells and charms, I decided this morning to analyze their blood samples using forensic methods," explained Pomfrey. "I checked the calibrators and controls thrice over, so everything is quite accurate. I then ran a few screenings, and one of them came out positive."

"Positive for what?" inquired Snape.

"Opiates," came the nurse's shocking reply.

Snape crooned innocently, "Dumbledore, what was that you were saying about the Elixir of Youth?"

Dumbledore pretended to ignore him.

Pomfrey boasted, "I utilized my Immunassay Kit that arrived from Diagon Alley a little while ago."

"So you're positive that all three of them were under the influence of opiates?" Dumbledore asked.

"Yes," said Pomfrey. "After the presumptive test, I used my Aer Grafocolorare Pondus Iris-Aspectus Modicus 2002 to evaluate the actual molecular structure of the drug. It proved to be a derivative of the Snapping Opium Poppy, which only grows in Northern Morocco and a tiny sliver of Turkey."

Dumbledore requested, "Could you repeat that name--what did you use? Some Air Grapho thingy majingy...?"

"The Aer Grafocolorare Pondus Iris-aspectus Modicus 2002," she promptly repeated.

"Er, what does that mean in English?"

"Gas Chromatograph-Mass Spectrometer," said Pomfrey.

Dumbledore looked no more enlightened than before.

"For short, we call it the GC/MS," said Pomfrey.

Dumbledore brightened. "Good. That's good. GC/MS. Thank you."

McGonagall suggested, "Albus, do you think it's a good idea to begin random drug testing at Hogwarts? I know it's a little extreme, but I don't just want to sit around here doing nothing, you understand."

"The difficulty with random drug testing it that, essentially, it is invasion of privacy," said Dumbledore. "Also, it would have to be approved by the School Board of Trustees, and you know how long it takes them to agree on anything.

"I believe that we should simply put stricter controls on the property entering Hogwarts. Whatever they took had to have entered the school doors. I will have Professor Flitwick charm the doors into setting off a silent alarm whenever they sense these Muggle 'drugs.'"

"That's brilliant," cried McGonagall.

Dumbledore turned to Snape. "Did you see that?" the Headmaster exclaimed jubilantly. "Did you hear the way she said that? Perfect timing and intonation! That's what I mean when I ask you to brown-nose."

"Oh, now I understand," proclaimed Snape with mock enthusiasm.

"That's it precisely!" Dumbledore beamed at him.

"Albus, what do we do with Hermione and Draco and Ginny?" asked McGonagall.

"Well, we should--um--let them be for now," advised Dumbledore.

"What? Why--" cried McGonagall and Snape in unison. They then looked at each other suspiciously.

Dumbledore assured them, "It's all for the best. Draco Malfoy is finally acting civilly among his peers. Gryffindor and Slytherin are finally at peace. It's moments like these that I treasure. Please--let me hold onto this."

"Well, what about Hermione?" demanded McGonagall. "Malfoy may be using her! She's young and naïve!"

"Malfoy is certainly not using Granger!" yelled Snape. "He's a Slytherin. He has pride."

Before McGonagall could counter, Dumbledore exclaimed, "I said, please let me hold onto this!"

Minerva McGonagall glared at him, her eyes stone-cold. "This is serious, Albus. We're not talking about your old school days and your 'experimentation with the mind-expanding drugs.' We need to find out where the opiates ame from."

Pomfrey and Snape both stared at her in amazement. People rarely spoke to Headmaster Dumbledore in that fashion.

After catching his breath, Dumbledore admitted, "You're right, Minerva. Where would I be without you, my dear Headmistress? We will contact their parents immediately--"

"No!" yelled Snape.

"Pardon?" said Dumbledore.

"I know where they got it from," said Snape, "and it's all my doing. I taught Malfoy how to make a potion as a make-up assignment. It had a trace of Snapping Opium Poppy in it, but it was mixed with whale blubber--which cancels out the addictive properties of opium."

The three listeners were puzzled. Why hadn't he spoken up before?

Dumbledore inquired, "What kind of potion is this?"

"Larghe Vedute Siero, Open Mindedness Serum," answered Snape. "A Level Eight Potion. It does no harm to the brain whatsoever. As I told Malfoy, if he feels compelled to take it, then the only thing he's addicted to is being open-minded."

"Well," the nurse exclaimed. "Wonders never cease."

"I'm summoning Flitwick, regardless," said Dumbledore. "This all goes to show how susceptible we are to these Muggle substances. They could easily be hidden in a robe or a suitcase--brought in under our very noses."

McGonagall nodded. "I still wonder how Hermione and Ginny were administered the potion. Professor Snape, you say that you taught it only to Malfoy. You leave the rest to conjecture. Tell me, why would Hermione dabble with such a potent potion?"

The wizard set forth one of his prefabricated theories, "I can explain that, Minerva. Hermione Granger is very clever, and with such intelligence comes a deep thirst for knowledge. She must learn about everything she can. She soaks up stimuli like a sponge."

McGonagall raised a single, slim eyebrow. Snape went on, "Hermione Granger and Ginny Weasley both know what they're getting into. I can't believe you'd accuse my pupil of anything so dastardly. To insinuate that Draco Malfoy would force it upon them is low--very low, Minerva."

"It takes one to know one," breathed Minerva.

Snape opened his mouth to tell her off, but he stopped himself short as the prospect of a promotion crossed his mind. Insulting the Headmistress wouldn't look very good on his resume, now, would it?

Pomfrey sighed; she did so long to overhear more fodder for gossip.

Dumbledore seemed to be coming to a conclusion--and sure enough, he was.

"You mustn't teach this potion to any more students, Severus," he said firmly. "It is a mind-altering potion and it carries a great deal of responsibility. It makes people change their attitudes toward social class, something that is usually so firmly established that it cannot be altered. Mixing with students outside of one's clique--it's unheard of! Without any kind of system for social ranking, there will be mass orgies every night. The students' sexual urges will be uninhibited."

"But I thought you approved of that," Snape remarked sarcastically.

"I approve of natural, healthy relationships between two people who respect each other. I do not approve of mass orgies and you know that, Severus. Now, bear with me," said Dumbledore. "You three are to keep quiet about this. Severus, tell Malfoy and the girls they are not to share their 'stash' with anyone else. Just tell them that I think it's too dangerous to share with the school population at large."

"I shall," said Snape.

As he and the two witches were about to leave, Professor Flitwick entered. "What did you want, Headmaster?" inquired the Charms professor.

"I need you to put a charm on the doors to keep out Muggle narcotics," said Dumbledore.

Flitwick nearly fainted. "But--I don't think there's a spell for that, sir."

"What? There has to be," said Dumbledore.

"I don't even know any narcotics..."

"Well, look into it."

"But I was going to charm the Christmas tree ornaments today!" cried Flitwick, looking heartbroken.

"Into doing what?" inquired Dumbledore.

"Singing four-part harmonies. I'm teaching them the entire score of The Pajama Game," explained Flitwick.

"If you can do that, then I'm sure you can teach the doors about narcotics," said Dumbledore soothingly. "Now, everyone get out of my office. You're making dear Fawkes claustrophobic."

They all looked up at the Phoenix, who was perched on a bookshelf and nibbling at the pages of an atlas.

As the foursome departed, Dumbledore muttered to his frazzled self, "How does The Pajama Game have anything to do with Christmas?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And that is how Snape, Flitwick, Pomfrey, and McGonagall ended up walking together. Flitwick was still in the dark as to what had transpired in the office prior to his being summoned, and so Pomfrey filled him in on the details.

At the end of her tale, Snape proclaimed, "I'm sick of hearing about Granger and Malfoy. It reminds me of the time Lily Evans had that annoying crush on me."

Flitwick told him gently, as if breaking the news to some poor, deluded child, "Lily never had a crush on you, Severus."

"I beg to differ," Snape grunted.

Hesitantly, Flitwick remarked, "But I thought she only liked the guys who had bands."

After an expectant hush, he added, "And James, of course."

Snape asked him leadingly, "Then why was she always stealing my textbooks?"

McGonagall cried, "What? I thought you were just forgetful and left them behind in the classroom. And Lily Evans... was a very conscientious girl. One might say too conscientious."

"No!" yelled Snape. "She hid them on me, and then she'd pretend to find them and slip into Slytherin quarters just to see me."

Flitwick nearly tipped over from laughing.

"I'm serious," said Snape. "She was extremely annoying. How would you like to have an uninvited Slytherin in the Gryffindor Common Room?"

McGonagall said dazedly, "Lily go into the Slytherin Common Room? Lily Evans? We are talking about the same Lily, right?"

"And sometimes," Snape added, "she would go into the boys' dormitories. It was an outrage, I tell you. I was taking a nap one day, and she jumped on my bed, no warning at all--"

Pomfrey cried delightedly, "Who would've guessed it?"

McGonagall said, "I'm beginning to doubt the paternity of Harry Potter."

Snape shuddered. "No son of mine would be that inept at potion making."

"He's very good at Charms, though," said Flitwick.

"Why didn't you like her?" asked McGonagall.

"I'll give you a parchment full of reasons why!" yelled Snape indignantly. "She was impossible to like. Perky, Gryffindor Muggleborn. Named after a flower. Putrid smelling flower, at that. Had that annoying laugh. Never knew when to shut up--"

"It's not very nice to speak ill of the dead, Severus," said Flitwick.

"Well, I'm not a nice person. And may she rest in peace. Even though she was always bothersome and trying to domesticate me," grumbled Snape.

McGonagall murmured, "A domesticated Severus? Oh, my."

"You see? Even Minerva agrees; it's unthinkable," Snape declared.

He turned away from the group and strode off hurriedly. Minerva McGonagall watched him go. She wondered about that strange wizard and his new hairstyle, and his irritable demeanor. He never smiled. Never. Just what unfortunate combination of factors had created Severus Snape? Would anyone ever know?

With a shake of her head, she resolved that she ought not to speculate about things that could never be solved. Then she looked up and realized that the others had disappeared. She was all alone again.

Where was Remus Lupin?

........................to be continued