Tarte Noire Around and About Vertick Alley

Lavender Brown is processing samples from the brutal murder of Millicent Bullstrode and is in love with her flatmate and confidante, Zacharias Smith. Ronald Weasley is bodyguarding Draco Malfoy, who is a predicted next victim for Millicent’s killer and is struggling with being a gay boy in a straight world. Susan Bones is training to be an auror but can’t make a patronus. She wishes that more people had the sense to not get into relationships. Zacharias Smith is sick of being bossed around by Daily Prophet executives and is going to ask Ginny Weasley to move in with him. Mister Darcy is a cat. He thinks they’re all a bit pathetic really. But he still hasn’t forgiven Lavender for the scalping.

In which Ron wishes he'd never been born, the others are utterly unsympathetic and no one enjoys their work.