A Change of MST

CHAPTER FOUR

PDYERF: *she's sitting on the Gryffindor couch, her nose is buried in PRISONER OF AZKABAN*

RANDOM READER (WHOSE ACTUAL NAME IS BRIAN): *has his nose pressed up against the computer screen, staring at all the readers who have the option whether they stay or not* Wow, they're back!

READER SITTING NEXT TO RANDOM READER (WHOSE ACTUAL NAME IS BRIAN): *stares at him* Really? You're kidding, right?

RANDOM READER (WHOSE ACTUAL NAME IS BRIAN): *shakes his head* No, I'm not. Here, take a look. *moves aside to allow Reader Sitting Next To Random Reader (Whose Actual Name Is Brian) to see*

READER SITTING NEXT TO RANDOM READER (WHOSE ACTUAL NAME IS BRIAN): *presses her nose against the computer screen* Wow! You're right! They must be insane.

RANDOM READER (WHOSE ACTUAL NAME IS BRIAN): *nods fervently* *turns to readers on the other side of the computer screen and whispers* Get out of here while you still can! Honestly, I'm telling the truth! That P. D. Yerf over there *points over his shoulder* She's nuts! Absolutely loony! Makes Luna Lovegood look sane! Makes Fred and George Weasley look like innocent toddlers! Makes Fifth-Book Harry look like a calm, caring boy! I'm serious here! And-- *lowers his voice* there are rumors she's bringing Riley Snave back in this chapter! Just to torture her, or whatever. Riley Snave's like VERY similar to Miss Yerf over there. Maybe even crazier. I'm telling you, you can get out now--

PDYERF: *looks up from PRISONER OF AZKABAN* What's going on over there?

RANDOM READER (WHOSE ACTUAL NAME IS BRIAN) and READER SITTING NEXT TO RANDOM READER (WHOSE ACTUAL NAME IS BRIAN): Nothing! *whistle innocently*

PDYERF: *eyes narrow suspiciously* WHAT is going on over there?

RANDOM READER (WHOSE ACTUAL NAME IS BRIAN): Nothing, all powerful Miss Yerf! I'm just greeting your crazy-- *coughs* I-I mean faithful readers! They've arrived!

PDYERF: *peers through computer screen* So they have! *waves* Welcome! Welcome back to chapter FOUR of A Change of MST!

READERS ON BOTH SIDES OF THE COMPUTER SCREEN: *groan*

PDYERF: WHY are you guys always groaning? A person would think you'd come up with more original responses to my words of welcome!

RANDOM READER (WHOSE ACTUAL NAME IS BRIAN): Idiot, you're the one writing this thing! You're the one who can't come up with stuff that's more original.

PDYERF: *thinks about this* Darn. *pulls out Thesaurus and starts to peruse for synonyms to the word 'groan'*

RANDOM READER (WHOSE ACTUAL NAME IS BRIAN): We could be here for a while...

PDYERF: *looks up from Thesaurus* I've got it! Now let's start this chapter over. *points wand at readers* OBLIVIATE!

CHAPTER FOUR

PDYERF: *quickly stuffs wand in pocket* Hello all!

RANDOM READER (WHOSE ACTUAL NAME IS BRIAN): *dazed* Hey, look...stars! *points*

ALL: *look up* *see nothing*

RANDOM READER (WHOSE ACTUAL NAME IS BRIAN): *giggles feebly*

ALL: *look at him oddly*

PDYERF: Oookay. Anyway, we're all here to start up chapter four! Isn't it exciting!

READERS: *moan*

PDYERF: *frowns* Well...it's not as good as 'groan'...but it'll do! *smiles* Okay, let's get going! *lays back on couch and presses PLAY*

ANNIE: *bursts into giggles*

EVERYONE: What is it?

ANNIE: It's just--well--never mind. You'll understand once we continue.

"Dudders

EVERYONE: *bursts into giggles, even Snape*

FRED: Dudders?!

GEORGE: And we thought Dudley was ridiculous...

out for tea?"

FRED: No, he's off drinking, smoking, and terrorizing small children with his mates.

PATSY: You said that last chapter.

FRED: Well...yeah, I did. But then I had misread over Annie's shoulder. Now I know that it means Dudley. It says so right... *he points at the part of the book* ...here.

ANNIE: *clutches book protectively* Keep away from my book! Quit reading ahead!

FRED: But I like reading ahead... *sulks*

ANNIE: *glares at him before continuing*

"At the Polkisses'," said Aunt Petunia fondly.

LILY: *glares* Notice she's not so fond when she talks about her nephew...

HARRY: Mum...calm down.

DISEMBODIED VOICE THAT IS MOST CERTAINLY ME: Er...could you guys hurry up a bit with the reading? I've gotten several reviews complaining that you talk too much in between words. And they're not the most pleasantest of reviews to get. And also, how am I supposed to MST Order of the Phoenix when you only read one page per chapter?

PATSY: Er...aren't you the one who's writing these chapters?

DISEMBODIED VOICE THAT IS MOST CERTAINLY ME: Yep! That's me!

PATSY: Well, then, why don't you make the chapters longer or something?

DISEMBODIED VOICE THAT IS MOST CERTAINLY ME: You mean I have to work?!

PATSY: Er...yeah, I guess.

DISEMBODIED VOICE THAT IS MOST CERTAINLY ME: Darn it all!

PATSY: You heard Miss Yerf, Annie! READ!

ANNIE: Okay, okay...jeesh.

FRED: 'Jeesh'?

ANNIE: *proudly* It's my own little word! I made it up myself!

EVERYONE ELSE: READ ALREADY!

"He's got so many little friends, he's so popular..."

LILY: Somehow I doubt that...who'd want to be friends with Petunia's son?

DISEMBODIED VOICE THAT IS MOST CERTAINLY ME: Quit talking! The next person who talks without at least twenty words read from Order of the Phoenix is going to be in SERIOUS TROUBLE!

SIRIUS: Hey! I'm not in trouble, am I?

DISEMBODIED VOICE THAT IS MOST CERTAINLY ME: *grabs extra bag of lightning bolts Jakia left her* *zaps Sirius* That joke is so old, I can't believe I just typed it! And didn't I just say NO TALKING?!

ALL: *nod mutely*

Harry repressed a snort with difficulty.

ANNIE: *counts words* *shakes her head* *continues to read*

The Dursleys really were astonishingly stupid about their son, Dudley; they had swallowed all

SIRIUS: *gasps for air* Finally! I can talk. *glares up at P. D. Yerf, then realizes she's a Disembodied Voice and therefore cannot be seen* Twenty words is a bit harsh, don't you think? Why don't you lower the amount to fifteen or something? I mean, this is hard, not talking!

DISEMBODIED VOICE THAT IS MOST CERTAINLY ME: *grinds teeth* Deal with it!

SIRIUS: *grumbles under his breath*

his dim-witted lies

ANNIE; *raises hand*

DISEMBODIED VOICE THAT IS MOST CERTAINLY ME: Yes?

ANNIE: Does 'dim-witted' count as one word, or two?

DISEMBODIED VOICE THAT IS MOST CERTAINLY ME: *checks WORD COUNT on her computer* It counts for one.

ANNIE: Darn.

DISEMBODIED VOICE THAT IS MOST CERTAINLY ME: *sighs* This isn't working out all too well, is it? And just so you all know, the count starts over from here!

ALL: *groan*

about having tea with a different member of his gang every night of the summer holidays. Harry knew perfectly well that Dudley had not been to tea anywhere;

JAMES: All applaud Sirius! He resisted the urge to talk on the twenty-word mark!

ALL EXCEPT SNAPE: *applauds*

SIRIUS: *bows*

DISEMBODIED VOICE THAT IS MOST CERTAINLY ME: Snape...if you really want your hair back the way it was, you're going to have to shapen up in the courtesy department...

SNAPE: *sulks*

he and his gang spent every evening vandalizing the play park, smoking on street corners, and throwing stones at passing cars and children.

ANNIE: He can get arrested for that!

LILY: He'd just better not be throwing stones at my child!

JAMES: Hey...are we still dead in this book? I mean, we haven't been brought back to life, have we?

PATSY: Nope, you haven't been brought back to life. Joanne Kathleen decided early on that there would be no spell to bring back the dead. Any respectable Potter-obsessed person knows that.

JAMES: Ah...

SIRIUS: Hey! Are we in this book? *motions to himself, Remus, and Peter* I mean, we were hardly mentioned in the first book...

REMUS: We weren't?

PETER: That's not fair! Hey! *turns to Annie and Patsy* Quit glaring!

ANNIE AND PATSY: *glare at Peter*

ANNIE: Oh, and to answer your question...yes, you are in this book. Er...two of you, at least.

PATSY: *whispers to Annie* It's a good thing we didn't read Goblet of Fire...he kills Cedric in that one...

ANNIE: *whispers back* Or Prisoner of Azkaban...you never know what the response would be...

PATSY: *whispers also* Jakia knows...that's the book she's MST-ing in A MST of a Different Kind

ANNIE: *still whispering* I knew that! Speaking of which, I hope she updates soon! I can't wait much longer...

JAMES: What are you guys whispering about?

ANNIE AND PATSY: *innocently* Oh, nothing.

Harry had seen them at it during his evening walks around Little Winging; he had spent most of the holidays wandering the streets, scavenging newspapers from bins along the way.

SIRIUS: Gee, Prongs, Harry's a little obsessed with the news, don't you think?

LILY: He just wants to know what's going on in the world! There's nothing wrong with that! *glares at Sirius*

SIRIUS: Of course there isn't Lil! I was just saying...

PETER: Sirius, give it up.

REMUS: It's not even worth protesting. You can't win against Lily.

LILY: Face facts, Sirius. I win! I always win! MWAHAHAHAHA!!

ANNIE: Er...is that Lily, or is it some evil alien in a suit.

LILY: Actually it's Polyjuice Potion! *slowly turns into Riley Snave*

ALL: *gasp*

DISEMBODIED VOICE THAT IS MOST CERTAINLY ME: Hey! Wait a minute! What are you doing here?!

LILY--er...I mean RILEY SNAVE: If I cannot have this MST from the outside I will invade it from within! *pulls out remote*

PDYERF: Hey! Wait! This isn't the original tape! *presses stop* *nothing changes* Somebody do something!

RILEY SNAVE: Okay! *presses button*

*ZAP!*

ANNIE: *looks around* Woah...this isn't my living room!

JAMES: Where are we? *turns to Riley Snave* And WHAT have you done with my wife!?!?!

PATSY: *notices P. D. Yerf* *screams* AAAAAAAAAAH!!!! It's her again!

ANNIE: Oh God...

FRED: So this is the one who's responsible for my Greasy Snape Beard!

SNAPE: You get my hair back to the way it was this INSTANT, woman!

RILEY SNAVE: Yeah! She locked you in a room! And gave you all Greasy Snape Hair! What do you have to say?

JAMES: Let's get her!

PDYERF: Er, guys? Are you thinking straight? I mean she's *points at Riley Snave* a Slytherin.

ALL: *whirl around to face Riley Snave*

SNAPE: I approve.

SIRIUS: Are you really?

RILEY SNAVE: Of course!

JAMES: Get her!

RILEY SNAVE: *begins to back away* Now really, guys...I mean, what have I done to you? P. D. Yerf's the one who's given you beards and zapped you with lightning and made you have Greasy Snape Hair! That wasn't me!

RON: Yeah, but you're a Slytherin! That means we don't like you!

ALL (EXCEPT SNAPE, OF COURSE): Yeah!

PDYERF: STOP!!!!!!!!

ALL: *stop*

PETER: What?

PDYERF: You cannot destroy Riley Snave, because you aren't real. She is. By rights, you coming into the real world should mess everything up as it is, but seeing as the world hasn't fallen apart...er...yet, we just have to figure out how to get you back. But until then, you'll need to stay and MST here, so we can finish this whole thing up.

RILEY SNAVE: Thanks for the saving me there from certain death, P. D.! I'll just be going now.... *runs for door*

PDYERF: And where do you think you're going? *pulls out wand and all doors lock instantly* I just said that they *points at Harry Potter characters* can't hurt you. I never said anything about me.

RILEY SNAVE: *screams and runs from door to door, trying to break them down*

PDYERF: Now, WHERE DID YOU PUT LILY POTTER?!?!?!?!?!?!

RILEY SNAVE: *stops screaming and running* *laughs evilly* She's still in the world you and I created, of course! Or... *frowns* she might have been sent to the Unbroken Universe, or even the Canon itself, I'm not quite sure.

PDYERF: *screams in anger* You mean that, right now, Lily Potter could be in the canon and messing it all up by being alive?!?!

RILEY SNAVE: *quivers* Er...yes?

PDYERF: *points wand at Riley Snave*

*POP!*

RILEY SNAVE: *is a ferret*

READERS AND PATSY AND ANNIE: *cheer*

PATSY: That was awesome! I've always wanted to turn someone into a ferret, and bounce them around! *turns to P. D. Yerf* Are you going to bounce her around? Or are you just going to put her in a cage?

PDYERF: Just put her in a cage...for now. If she starts squeaking a lot, I might just bounce her around...or paralyze her for life. *conjures cage and Riley Snave The Ferret appears in it*

RILEY SNAVE THE FERRET: *trembles*

PETER: Hey! You shouldn't be mean to rodents!

PDYERF: *looks at him* I am strongly against rodents in general. Especially...oh...I think...rats.

ANNIE: Is a ferret even a rodent?

PATSY: *pulls out encyclopedia* Ferret: a small mammal belonging to the weasel family having a long, slim body with short legs.

RON: Is a weasel a rodent?

HERMIONE: Of course it isn't Ron! Don't you know anything?

PDYERF, PATSY, AND ANNIE: *sigh romantically*

PATSY: Go R/H!

RON: *to Hermione* What is this whole 'R/H' thing they've been going on about?

HERMIONE: *shrugs* Some sort of club, I expect.

PDYERF: Okay, we haven't even finished a page people! This is chapter four of this MST and we haven't even finished page three! So get reading!

ALL: *grumble*

PDYERF: Fine! I'll read! *conjures book and opens it to page three*

ALL: *settle down on the couch or in the audience with the readers*

The opening notes of the music that heralded the seven o'clock news reached Harry's ears and his stomach turned over.

FRED: That's got to be painful!

PDYERF: That's it! I now have to read twenty-five words before you can talk! I am going to read more than two pages by the end of this chapter, or so help me!

Perhaps tonight--after a month of waiting--would be the night--

"Record numbers of stranded holidaymakers fill airports as the Spanish baggage-handlers' strike reaches it's second week--"

GEORGE: Er...who cares?

BILL: 'Spanish baggage-handlers' strike'? What's all that about?

PERCY: *clears throat*

ALL: *points wand* Silencio!

PERCY: *mouths soundlessly*

ALL: *cheer*

"Give 'em a lifelong siesta, I would," snarled Uncle Vernon over the end of the newsreader's sentence, but no matter: Outside in the flower bed, Harry's stomach seemed to unclench. If anything had happened, it would surely have been the first item on the news; death and destruction were more important than stranded holiday makers...

ANNIE: Well I would hope so.

RANDOM READER (WHOSE ACTUAL NAME IS BRIAN): Hey! Miss Yerf!

PDYERF: *looks up from the book* Yes?

RANDOM READER (WHOSE ACTUAL NAME IS BRIAN): Well, since you're all here and commenting, can we *motions to other readers* join you?

PDYERF: *thinks on it* *shrugs* Sure, I guess. Why not?!

RANDOM READER (WHOSE ACTUAL NAME IS BRIAN): Yes! *goes and sits down next to Annie*

RON: Er...you all probably know this, but what's a 'newsreader'?

HERMIONE: My goodness, Ron, you are hopeless!

PDYERF, ANNIE, AND PATSY: *cheer and waves R/Hr flags and banners*

DOOR: Knock, knock, knock...

PDYERF: *looks up* Who's that? *crosses over to door* *opens it*

JAKIA: *runs in waving H/Hr flag* DIE GOOD SHIPPERS! DIIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!!!

JAMES AND SNAPE FROM A MST OF A DIFFERENT KIND: *look around*

JAMES FROM MST OF DIFFERENT KIND: Er...what are we doing here? *spots James* My God...it--it's me!

JAMES: *turns to P. D. Yerf* Who are these people?

PDYERF: *doesn't hear him, because she is shouting* Die Pumpkin Pie! Die Pumpkin Pie!

JAMES FROM MST OF DIFFERENT KIND: *hears her* *turns defensive* NO! LONG LIVE H/Hr!!!!!!!!!

SNAPE FROM MST OF DIFFERENT KIND: *displays his R/Hr t-shirt* Good Shippers will prevail in the end, Potter!

PDYERF: Jakia, did you just stop in to disrupt my MST when I was just getting it going?

JAKIA: *nods cheerfully* And to deliver an extra bag of lightning bolts. I heard you were getting low.

PDYERF: Well...thanks, I guess. I mean, for the lightning bolts, but not for the disruption part...

JAKIA: Anytime! *notices Riley Snave the Ferret* Oh, how cute! *looks at P. D. Yerf* Where'd you get such a cute little weasel?

PDYERF: Actually...that's Riley Snave. Anyway, since you're here, would you like to read with us?

JAKIA: Sorry, can't. I've got to get these two *motions over her shoulder at Snape and James from MST of Different Kind* back to A MST of a Different Kind.

PDYERF: Darn. Well, thanks for the lightning bolts, and for contributing to the randomness of this fic! Come again soon!

JAKIA: Sure! *disappears*

SNAPE AND JAMES FROM MST OF DIFFERENT KIND: *disappear*

PDYERF: *sighs* Well, I know defeat when I see it. I'm not going to be able to finish this page in this chapter, forget two of them. So...*sighs sadly* I'll do the disclaimer.

ALL: *cheer*

PDYERF: *glares at them for a minute* ANYWAY, so all Harry Potter characters belong to Joanne Kathleen there, but Patsy belongs to me and Annie belongs to Riley Snave. Lighting bolts and Snape and James from An MST of a Different Kind, as well as Snape's Good Ship t-shirt, belongs to Jakia! The 'word count' option on the computer belongs to any word processing program you care to mention, but in this case it belongs to Microsoft Word. Oh, and Random Reader (Whose Actual Name is Brian), as well as Random Reader Sitting Next to Random Reader (Whose Actual Name is Brian) both belong to me too. Yeah, and as always, Disembodied Voice That Is Most Certainly Me is a SLIGHT, I repeat, SLIGHT rip-off of Jakia's Mysterious Voice That Sounds Mysteriously Like Me. READ HER STORY. A MST of a Different Kind. But a word to the wise: NEVER read it during class. Especially not when you're supposed to be watching one of those documentaries on the history of television. You get the oddest looks when you burst out laughing, not to mention you loose your computer privileges when your teacher discovers that you were not typing up notes like you were supposed to, but, of course, reading A MST of a Different Kind. So wait until you're home before reading. Yeah. Oh, and thanks SO much to James Hogarth, for being wonderful and typing up all the canon for me! Let's give it up for James!

ALL: *cheer*

PDYERF: And now, a word from our sponsors!

SHREK: *enters* I'd like to thank all you peoples who reviewed chapter three. Thanks to . And remember, Shrek 2 comes out May 26^th!

PDYERF: Thanks Shrek! I'll be there!

SHREK: *leaves*

PDYERF: Adios, Amigos y Amigas!

RANDOM READER (WHOSE ACTUAL NAME IS BRIAN): You've been pretty obsessed with Spanish lately, haven't you? Are you fluent in it, or something?

PDYERF: Nope. But the last time I wrote in German, the language I'm taking in school, was when someone sent me a message insulting Harry Potter. So I replied in German to put him off his guard, and a different guy saw what I wrote and called me a Nazi, with a certain 'f' word in front of 'Nazi'. So I haven't been speaking auf Deutsch very much online lately.

RANDOM READER (WHOSE ACTUAL NAME IS BRIAN): Wow...sorry I asked.

PDYERF: Me too. Anyway, Tschuss, meine Freunden!

RANDOM READER (WHOSE ACTUAL NAME IS BRIAN): *shakes head* *mutters to readers on the other side of the computer screen* You see what I mean? Absolutely nuts! RUN!

PDYERF: *oblivious* Please review!