A Change of MST

CHAPTER FIVE

PDYERF: *her nose is buried in her laptop...well, actually, it's the school's laptop, part of Maine's laptop program, where every seventh and eighth grader get their own laptop for school work, but naturally she's not doing school work, she's perusing fan fiction sites, most likely rereading A MST of a Different Kind...anyway, the point is, her brain is NOT on her characters*

JAMES: *is near having a nervous breakdown* Where is my wife? I need my wife! What if she's been sent to some world where Voldemort has won, and he kills her?!

PATSY: Or worse, stuck in Canon. Although I guess Harry would like that...

ANNIE: Are you kidding? It could totally mess Joanne Kathleen's whole plan up! It could take another three years before book six comes out!

PATSY: NOOOOOOOO! *runs to Riley Snave the Ferret's cage and begins shaking it* WHERE IS LILY POTTER!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

RILEY SNAVE THE FERRET: *squeals and whimpers, trying to find cover*

REMUS: Impedimenta!

PATSY: *is blown backwards*

RILEY SNAVE THE FERRET: *her cage falls to the floor* SQEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAK!

REMUS: Wherever Lily is, we'll find her. That's what Miss Yerf is doing, looking through every fan fiction universe she can think of, in case Lily's there--

PDYERF: OH MY GOD!!!!!! *squeals happily VERY loudly*

ALL: *look up* What?

PDYERF: THIS! THIS! *points frantically at the computer screen*

JAMES: Is it Lily? Is it my wife? IS SHE SAFE?!?!??! *runs over*

PDYERF: *looks up at him* Of course not! It-it-it's RON/HERMIONE-NESS IN THE NEW AZKABAN TRAILER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PATSY AND ANNIE: Really?! Where?! Let us see!!

PDYERF: Look!

ALL: *go over to see*

PDYERF: *pauses trailer at the part where Hermione grabs Ron's arm*

PATSY, ANNIE, AND PDYERF: YEEEEEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!

PDYERF: *runs over and opens a window that wasn't there before* TAKE THAT JAKIA!!! DIE PUMPKIN PIE!!!

DISTANT VOICE THAT IS MOST LIKELY JAKIA: DOWN WITH THE GOOD SHIPPERS!!!!!!!

RANDOM READER (WHOSE ACTUAL NAME IS BRIAN): *runs to window and pushes P. D. Yerf out of the way and dives out* WOO HOO!!!!! I'm FREE!!!!!!!!!! Free at last!!!!!! FREE AT LAST!!!!!! *does a little dance outside the window, then realizes he is suddenly back inside the room* Wha--?

PDYERF: MWAHAHAHAHA!!!! Involuntary apparation! All my readers here have had a spell placed upon them, so that if they ever happen to escape, even with my wonderful force field, they will instantly apparate involuntarily back into the room! *smiles happily*

RANDOM READER (WHOSE ACTUAL NAME IS BRIAN): Wha...you mean...I can't ever...ever...ever escape?

PDYERF: That's right!

RANDOM READER (WHOSE ACTUAL NAME IS BRIAN): DAMN!!! *breaks down into sobs*

ALL: *stare*

SIRIUS: Wow...that's, like, the first swear word uttered in this entire MST so far, isn't it, Miss Yerf?

RON AND HERMIONE: *are staring at P. D. Yerf's computer screen*

RON: Oh. My. God.

HERMIONE: *faintly* Is that what the 'good ship' is, then? People who support Ron and I getting together...romantically?!

PATSY: Er....yes.

HERMIONE: Then...what does 'pumpkin pie' stand for?

ANNIE: You and...well...er...Harry, getting 'together'.

RON: *in shock*

HERMIONE: *after a moment* And...which do you support?

PATSY: The Good Ship, obviously. Oh, that and Orange Crush.

HERMIONE: Which is...?

ANNIE: Harry and Ginny getting together.

GINNY (WHO JUST HAPPENS TO BE HERE NOW, JUST BECAUSE I WANT HER TO BE): *blushes crimson*

HARRY RON AND HERMIONE: *stare at each other* Kill me now.

PATSY: *defensively* Hey! It's better than Harry and Luna getting together!

HARRY: *stares* Luna Lovegood?!

PATSY: Yeah.

HARRY: *eyes the heavens* PLEASE kill me now!

PDYERF: *looks up* Hey! No murders here! Or suicide's either. People aren't as fun to torture when they're dead. *grins evilly* Which is why Riley Snave the Ferret is still alive!

RILEY SNAVE THE FERRET: *trembles*

ANNIE: Hey, Luna/Harry isn't as bad as Harry/Draco!

PATSY: *bursts out laughing* Oh my god...Hey, Miss Yerf, you've read Hogwarts Meets FanFiction.net by Sassybird, haven't you?

PDYERF: Yes, I have! In fact, SassyBird happens to be one of my faithful Change of Plans reviewers! *grins proudly* As is Jakia, for this fic here!

PATSY: *stares* SHE, queen of the MST, reviews YOUR story, one that gets about one sixteenth of the amount of reviews A MST of a Different Kind, gets?

ANNIE: How do you know how many reviews she gets?

PATSY: Er...well, from this, actually. *holds up laptop*

PDYERF: HEY! No methods of communication to the outside world allowed! *Patsy's laptop disappears*

PATSY: NOOOOOOOOOO!

ANNIE: That...made no sense.

PDYERF: What didn't?

ANNIE: What you just said there.

PDYERF: *checks her own laptop* *screams* OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! This chapter has been about two pages already and WE HAVEN'T STARTED READING!!!!! Read, now!

BILL: Weren't you the one reading last chapter?

PDYERF: Oh...yeah. *turns to Random Reader (Whose Actual Name is Brian)* Why don't you read?

RANDOM READER (WHOSE ACTUAL NAME IS BRIAN): *accepts the book* *opens it and pretends to read* After Harry had finished thinking about how death and destruction were more important than stranded vacationers, a large fighter jet flew over Number four and let loose a bomb. Number Four, Privet Drive blew up, and Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia, and Harry Potter all died, and the story was ended, so that all the poor tortured souls stuck in A Change of MST were able to leave! The End. *closes book* Hoorah! We're done!

ALL: *cheer*

PDYERF: Hardy har har. Read it right

RANDOM READER (WHOSE ACTUAL NAME IS BRIAN): *innocently* But I did read it right! Didn't I?

ALL: Yes, Miss Yerf, he did.

PDYERF: *lightning bolts them all*

ALL: *due to the amount of electricity, just as what happened to Snape's hair in A MST of a Different Kind, their hair is no longer greasy*

SNAPE: *feels his hair* DAMN! Not only is it still clean, it's all dried out!

ALL: *cheer*

GINNY: Mine was clean before, but it hasn't dried out at all, because I used Dove brand conditioner!

PDYERF: Er...right. Well, since you volunteered, Ginny, you get to read!

GINNY: *grumbles under her breath* *accepts book*

He let out a long, slow breath and stared up at the brilliant blue

FRED: Ravenclaw colors! God, this book does have a thing for Hogwarts colors. Green, yellow, and blue have all been mentioned so far. BUT WHERE'S GRYFFINDOR!!!!

SNAPE: At the bottom, where it deserves to be. *sneers*

PDYERF: Snape, I've warned you about being courteous, but you haven't listened... *snaps fingers*

SNAPE: *is bald*

ALL: *laugh*

SNAPE: What is it? *catches sight of himself in a mirror that wasn't there before and frantically feels the top of his head* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

PDYERF: *lighting bolts Fred* Oh, and we're still doing the twenty-five word thing, just so you know.

FRED: *starts to argue but can't, seeing as he's too busy coughing up smoke rings*

PDYERF: Oh, and just so y'all know, the count starts over from here! *smiles*

sky. Every day this summer had been the same: the tension, the expectation, the temporary relief, and then mounting tension again...and always, growing more insistent all the time, the question of why nothing had happened yet...

JAMES: Er...I'm getting the feeling here that we're missing something important.

SIRIUS: Yeah, I agree with Prongs. Something very important.

REMUS: Well, that generally happens when you read the fifth book in a series before you've read the first four...

PETER: *sarcastically* Oh, is that what happens? *screams in frustration* QUIT GLARING!!!!!!!!! I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING TO YOU!!!

ANNIE AND PATSY: *glare at Peter*

ANNIE: Yes you have.

PATSY: You betrayed the Potters to Voldemort!

ALL: *stunned silence*

PDYERF: Obliviate! *points wand at all except Annie and Patsy*

ANNIE: *to Patsy* I think we did something wrong...

PDYERF: *rounds on them* You bet you did! You--don't--tell--them--stuff--like--that! *at each word she flings one of Jakia's lighting bolts at each of them* You're--gonna--mess--up--A--Change--of--Plans--BIG--time! You--little-- *she pauses* Oh damn it! Out of lightning bolts!

PATSY: *is trying to save her hair, which has caught fire*

ANNIE: *same for her sneakers*

JAMES: Er...I'm getting the feeling here that we're missing something important.

SIRIUS: Yeah, I agree with Prongs. Something very important.

He kept listening, just in case there was some clue, not recognized for what it really was by the Muggles--an unexplained disappearance, perhaps, or some strange accident...

CHARLIE: *sarcastically* Like being forced to read an insane book by an insane fan fiction writer and getting your hair all greasy and then being zapped by lightning bolts?

PDYERF: *tries to zap him* *remembers she's out of lightning bolts* Damn... *searches for a more useful torture instrument*

CHARLIE: *rolls his eyes* Just use your WAND, idiot! *realizes what he said* Oh God...

RANDOM GUY NAMED MATT FROM MISS YERF'S YOUTH GROUP: *appears from nowhere* I hope you're praying when you say that!

CHARLIE: Er...

PDYERF: Oh, yeah, just so you know: I'm a pk. So is Matt. *looks over at Matt* Okay, thanks for your input, you can leave now...

RANDOM GUY NAMED MATT FROM MISS YERF'S YOUTH GROUP: *disappears*

BILL: Um...what is a 'pk'?

CHARLIE: And who was that?

PDYERF: *rolls her eyes* Do I have to explain EVERYTHING to you?!?!

ALL: *nods vigorously*

PDYERF: *sighs* A pk is a preachers kid. Basically someone who's parent has a church. Matt's a kid from my Youth Group, and his parents are the pastors at my church. My dad has his own church also, but as it doesn't have a big youth program, I go to Matt's parents' church. *waves at computer screen, to Matt, who may or may not be reading this right now* Sorry Matt...Couldn't resist!

BILL: *mutters to Charlie* This fic is REALLY starting to creep me out...

CHARLIE: *nods, relieved that P. D. Yerf forgot to punish him*

PDYERF: Now READ! But first... *casually points her wand over her shoulder*

CHARLIE: *has blue hair*

BILL and ANNIE: COOOOOOL!!!!!!!!

ANNIE: I love your hair, Charlie... *blushes*

CHARLIE: *blushes too* *mutters* Thanks...

PDYERF: *glares at them all*

GINNY: Er...Miss Yerf? Can I continue reading?

PDYERF: *growls*

GINNY: I'll just take that as a yes...

but the baggage-handlers'

GINNY: We're on page four!

ALL: FINALLY! PRAISE THE LORD!!!!

GINNY: *spots P. D. Yerf's face and begins to tremble* Er...Miss Yerf? Since I said that to...er...celebrate who you've wanted us to do for a while, will you pardon me from breaking the twenty-five word rule?? Please?

PDYERF: *considers* On one condition.

GINNY: *relieved* What is it?

PDYERF: *cackles evilly* You go and spend some time with Jakia in A MST of a Different Kind later on!

GINNY: *thinks on it* Well....okay.

PDYERF: Yes! *punches the air* Let's see what Jakia makes of that!

MYSTERIOUS VOICE THAT SOUNDS MYSTERIOUSLY LIKE JAKIA: I hope you're not planning stuff for my fic without me!

PDYERF: Of course I'm not, Jak! Why would I do that? *whistles innocently*

strike was followed by news on the drought in the Southeast ("I hope he's listening next door!" bellowed Uncle Vernon, "with his sprinklers on at three in the morning!");

PETER: *yawns* This is a really boring book.

PDYERF: Hey! That's Peter's line from A MST of a Different Kind! How'd you know that?

PETER: *quickly hides laptop behind his back*

PDYERF: *spots it* Aha! Accio! *it zooms into her hand and she makes it disappear just like she did with Patsy's laptop* No more copying other writers work! It's not good!

PETER: *whining* But I couldn't think of anything else to say!

then a helicopter that had almost crashed in a field in Surrey, then a famous actress's divorce from her famous husband ("as if we're interested in their sordid affairs," sniffed Aunt Petunia, who had followed the case obsessively in every magazine she could lay her bony hands on).

FRED: Bit obsessed, isn't she?

GEORGE: Almost as obsessed as Harry and the news...

JAMES: LEAVE HARRY ALONE!

PDYERF: Oh, God, don't tell me you're Riley Snave in Polyjuice too...

JAMES: *offended* Of course I'm not! Can't I defend my own son?

HARRY: Don't worry Dad, I didn't suspect you.

SIRIUS: Yeah, but you're almost as unobservant as Patsy is...

PATSY: Yeah that's right...Hey!

ALL: *laugh*

Harry closed his eyes against the now blazing evening sky as the newsreader said, "And finally, Bungy the budgie has found a novel way of keeping cool this summer.

SIRIUS: Let me guess...reading?

ALL: *groan*

PETER: What? I don't get it...

SIRIUS: *sighs exasperatedly* Novel way of keeping cool? Reading?

PETER: *gets it* *groans*

SIRIUS: Oh, come on...I thought it was funny...

Bungy, who lives at the Five Feathers in Barnsley, has learned to water-ski! Mary Dorkins went to find out more..."

Harry opened his eyes again.

ALL: Um....

JAMES: Who cares about a water-skiing budgie!

BILL: Maybe it's foreshadowing.

ANNIE: Maybe not.

PETER: What is a budgie, anyway?

PERCY: *opens his mouth* *realizes that the Silencing Charm is still in effect...*

ALL: *breath sighs of relief*

REMUS: *redoes the charm, just to make sure it lasts*

If they had reached water-skiing budgerigars, there was nothing else worth hearing.

ALL: Duh!

PDYERF: *is too busy reading fan fiction on her laptop to realize they all spoke before twenty five words passed*

He rolled cautiously onto his front and raised himself onto his knees and elbows, preparing to crawl out from under the window.

He had moved about two inches when several things happened in very quick succession.

PETER: Now this is getting interesting! *notices the lack of a certain something* Hey! *whirls around to face Patsy and Annie* Why have you two stopped glaring at me!

ANNIE: *loftily* You aren't worth our time!

PATSY: Yes! We save our glares for creatures a bit higher up on the scum level than you!

ANNIE: Like people who haven't betrayed their best friends!

PDYERF: *looks up from her laptop to glare at them*

PATSY: *panicky* Er...not that you've ever done that!

ANNIE: *also panicky* Of course not! Why would you?

PDYERF: *smiles contentedly*

PETER: I just know I'm missing something here...

PDYERF: *turns back to her laptop*

A loud, echoing crack broke the sleepy silence like a gunshot; a cat streaked out from under a parked car and flew out of sight; a shriek,

PDYERF: *shrieks from behind her laptop*

ALL: What is it?

JAMES: Is it my wife? Is it Lily?!?!

PATSY AND ANNIE: Is it more Ron/Hermione-ness?!?!

HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE: *to themselves* Please, God, no...

PDYERF: No, it's not......it says here that the movie Goblet of Fire comes out NOVEMBER 18^TH, 2005!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PDYERF, PATSY, and ANNIE: SSSSSSQQQQQQUUUUUUEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EVERYONE ELSE: *to themselves* Not going to ask...

a bellowed oath, and the sound of breaking china came from the Dursley's living room, and as though Harry had been waiting for the signal,

GINNY: *counts* Actually, that's five things, not three...

PATSY: I think they're counting the shriek, bellowed oath, and breaking china as one thing, Ginny.

GINNY: Oh.

he jumped to his feet, at the same time pulling from the waistband of his jeans a thin wooden wand as if he were unsheathing a sword.

ALL: Cooooooool....

But before he could draw himself up to full height, the top of his head collided with the Dursleys' open window, and the resultant crash

ALL: Ouch....

HARRY: That's gotta hurt...

SNAPE: For once, I agree. Ouch.

PDYERF: *is impressed* I'm impressed, Snape.

HARRY: *is STILL reading the MST from the first chapter, as well as the third chapter* Didn't you just type that twice? '*is impressed* I'm impressed'?

PDYERF: *shrugs* Well, I am. *smiles and pats Snape's bald head* You're learning, Sevvie!

SNAPE: *cringes at P. D. Yerf patting his head, as well as the nickname* *realizes his hair has grown back* Wha....?

PDYERF: See? Just being nice can help!

SNAPE: *realizes that his hair is still not greasy* *doesn't care* *skips around the room singing* HALLELUJAH!!! HALLELUJAH!!!!

ALL: *watch him, deeply disturbed*

made Aunt Petunia scream even louder.

Harry felt as if his head had been split open in two; eyes streaming, he swayed, trying to focus on the street and spot the source

ALL: Ouch! *wince*

GINNY: *makes a rude hand gesture* Shut up! We're almost at page five!

ALL: *gape at Ginny because of the hand gesture*

PERCY: *mouths the word GINNY! with a shocked air*

FRED AND GEORGE: *beam*

GEORGE: That's our sister! *sniffs*

GINNY: SHUT UP!!!

ALL: *are instantly quiet*

of the noise, but he had barely staggered upright again when two large purple hands reached through the open window and closed tightly around his throat.

PDYERF: *holds up a hand* We'll stop there!

GINNY: But...but...but we're almost at page five!

CHARLIE: And besides, leaving us at such a cliffhanger is just cruel!

PDYERF: *shrugs* Hey, I do it to my Change of Plans readers all the time; why should you guys be any different?

READERS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COMPUTER SCREEN: *murmur their assent*

PDYERF: *ignores them* And besides, it's time for the disclaimer!

READERS MINUS RANDOM READER (WHOSE ACTUAL NAME IS BRIAN): *cheer*

ISLA: *sitting with the readers for one reason or another* *to the reader beside her* This is one of my favorite parts!

PDYERF: *clears throat* So...the disclaimer! All lightning bolts belong to Jakia, not me! Also, A MST of a Different Kind, Jakia's WONDERFUL MST, as well as Jakia herself, belong to, you guessed it, JAKIA!!! Let's give a special hand to the Queen of the MST, because she's just so great!

ALL: *cheer*

PDYERF: Isla, also, belongs to herself, and I sincerely hope and pray that she doesn't mind me using her in this fic. I got the idea for her line from either a review she left me, or something she said on my yahoo group...I can't remember which. Anyway, Isla, you're great! SassyBird's fic Hogwarts Meets FanFiction.net! is awesome, and it belongs to SassyBird. The computer I'm typing this on belongs to IBM, and the one on which I'll submit this story belongs to Windows XP! All of the Harry Potter world belongs to the WONDERFUL J. K. Rowling, who we all hope is at her own computer right now, or her desk, or whatever, and writing book six, which she has assured readers will be called Harry Potter and the Something or Other. The knowledge that GoF is coming out on November 18^th , 2005(actually it might be the 16^th, I might misremember the date) is from Mugglenet.com, which is an awesome site, so visit it if you want to keep up to date on all things Harry Potter. Also, their Wall of Shame had me rolling on the floor...go Emmerson!!! Annie belongs to Riley Snave, but Patsy and Random Reader (Whose Actual Name Is Brian) belongs to me!

RANDOM READER (WHOSE ACTUAL NAME IS BRIAN): You do NOT own me!

PDYERF: *ignores him* The movies are produced by Warner Brothers, and their the people who put out the newest Prisoner of Azkaban trailer, which, if you have not already seen it, I strongly suggest you get your arse over to the Harry Potter website and watch it!! It's awesome!!! My Yahoo! Group, which I mentioned earlier in this disclaimer, belongs to the yahoo people, but it also belongs to me! Join it if you like my stories! You'll find the url in the reviewing place. Er...is that all?

PATSY: Um...I think so...

PDYERF: *smiles* Great! Now a word from our sponsors!

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN: *comes in* Hellooooo kids! Our sponsors are-- *becomes unanimated because a gust of wind suddenly blows his hat off*

PDYERF: *looks around for the person responsible for the breeze* *sees no one* *shrugs and replaces Frosty's hat*

FRED AND GEORGE: *giggle behind their hands*

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN: Thank you! As I was saying, thanks so much to all-- *hat blows off again* *becomes unanimated again*

PDYERF: *turns around* *sees Fred and George giggling* HEY! *waves her wand*

FRED AND GEORGE: *are bald, but still have their long beards, making them look VERY weird* *are in shock*

PDYERF: *returns Frosty's hat to him* Sorry about that Frosty.

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN: No problem! Thanks so much to all our wonderful sponsors!! I should be saying them right now but I'm a bit too lazy at the moment, so thanks so much anyways! Miss Yerf loves you! Thanks Miss Yerf, for letting me come!

PDYERF: No problem!

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN: *disappears*

PDYERF: *waves at readers* See y'all next chapter!