Mary Sue and the Hogwarts Express

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Mary Sue Serenity Moonchild Galadriel Winterfresh Pipedream Anorexia Melodia Sheepskin Jacobs was a beautiful girl. At fifteen, she was already fully developed in all the important places - breasts and legs and such, seeing as brains really don't much matter to the typical Mary Sue. After all, they're automatically Perfect, random capitalized letters and all.

Now, Mary Sue Serenity Moonchild Galadriel Winterfresh Pipedream Anorexia Melodia Sheepskin Jacobs was a very special girl, and not just because she was a supermodel with brains and an Attitude. Mary Sue Serenity - ah, screw it, let's just call her Mary Sue, all right? Anyway, Mary Sue was a witch. Not only was she a witch, but a very very powerful witch transferring from a secret Mage school in America to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Of course, it was due to her Tragic Past that she was transferring. Yes, Mary Sue has a Tragic Past, with capitals.

You see, just a few weeks ago, her fluffy kitten Miss Cutesy went insane and murdered Mary Sue's parents, and then had to be put down.

Mary Sue was horribly grief-stricken, but not enough to stop her from wearing copious amounts of make-up and SlutWear clothes.

So, all dolled up and ready to rrruuuuuuummmble, Mary Sue sauntered through the wall between Platforms Nine and Ten. She was Mary Sue, after all, and knew right away where she was supposed to go, as she could see magic. Because she's special in oh so many different ways.

Boys turned to stare as she headed calmly towards the Hogwarts Express, her red hair running like a river of molten lava down her shapely...back? Right. Oh, and her eyes were constantly changing color, so they looked like some frighteningly myopic marbles jammed in her face. But that only made her more beautiful.

Mary Sue ignored the stares she was getting - she didn't care about any of those stupid little third year twerps that were eying her. No, she was a Sue with a purpose. She was gonna get her Man - Harry James Bloody Sexy Potter.

Using her unerring Suesenses, she headed straight for the compartment wherein the infamous Trio quietly discussed Dumbledore's sanity, or lack thereof.

All three looked up when Mary Sue entered their compartment.

"Oh God," Ron groaned, "not another one."

Mary Sue batted her long, curling, glossy, midnight black eyelashes. "Harry," she breathed, gazing raptly at the Hero Of The Wizarding World(TM). "Harry, take me now. Or rather, take me in a few days, after I've finished angsting about my parents' untimely deaths."

"Erm," Harry said. "No thanks."

Mary Sue was understandably stunned. Here she was, a gorgeous specimen of femininity, one with a brain and big boobs and good clothes, and Harry was saying "no" to her?

"Why not?" she demanded, tears shimmering in her large eyes, which were swirling globes of color. The Trio didn't dare meet her gaze for too long, as they suspected they'd soon grow nauseous.

"I'm dating someone already," Harry said kindly but firmly, and Mary Sue's heart melted in her chest like ice cream in an oven.

"But I loooove you!"

Harry sighed. "Look, even if I weren't dating someone, it just wouldn't work. I'm gay, you see."

Mary Sue's jaw dropped, baring her sparkling white teeth. Hermione winced and looked away to avoid being blinded.

"Gay?" Mary Sue squeaked.

"As gay as can be," Harry confirmed solemnly.

"Flaming as a marshmallow over a campfire," Hermione agreed.

"Bent as a...bent thing," Ron chimed in, as the author's mind has momentarily blanked.

"But I'm Mary Sue!" Mary Sue protested. "My charms and unwitting sensuality can reach even the queerest of queers!"

"Sorry," Harry said, "but I'm quite happy with Professor Snape."

Mary Sue bravely staved off tears. Not only was Harry taken, but so was Snape! The number of important male characters she could shack up with was dwindling before her very eyes.

"Ron!" she tried desperately. "We both have red hair - or rather, you have red hair, while I have a river of molten lava flowing down my shapely back. Don't we have so much in common?"

"I'm with Hermione," Ron told her, after taking a moment to wonder how anyone could have molten lava against their skin without attaining third degree burns. Or dying.

Mary Sue glared venomously at that bushy-haired slag, before saying, "Sirius! I'll get with Sirius!" She knew who Sirius was, of course - she knew who all the characters were, because of her special SuperSue powers.

"Dead," Hermione informed Mary Sue with a disapproving frown.

Mary Sue blinked. "Oh, right. I'd forgotten. Remus?"

"Mourning Sirius. They were shagging, you know," Ron said with his usual tact.

"Is everyone either taken or gay?" Mary Sue asked, horrified.

"Not everyone," Harry said after a moment's thought. "I'm pretty sure Dumbledore's straight and single. And Colin."

Mary Sue weighed her options. Dumbledore was powerful and famous, but a bit old for a fifteen year old girl, no matter how wise or beautiful or charming she was. But Colin...well, he was a bit creepy. In a Creevey way. And he wasn't important at all, which would pretty much ruin her reputation if she ever did agree to date him.

"This isn't at all what I expected," Mary Sue wailed prettily.

"I just remembered!" Ron gasped. "Lockhart! Despite being a flamboyant peacock, he's straight as an arrow! And single!"

"And in the loony bin," Hermione added. "Which should give you lots of room for angst, as well as some heavy-handed attempts at humor."

Mary Sue brightened. Lockhart...he was handsome and famous, with a Tragic Past so horrific it could almost match her own!

"D'you think Dumbledore will let me visit St. Mungo's?" she asked, though she knew she need only turn on her unnatural Suecharm for the Headmaster to agree to her every whim. (Besides, he was her second cousin's wife's brother's nephew's godfather's brother-in-law's uncle, though Mary Sue had yet to discover this amazing connection.)

"Yeah," Harry assured her. "Dumbledore'll do just about anything to get Mary Sues out of the school."

"Brilliant," Mary Sue sighed happily. "Mary Sue Serenity Moonchild Galadriel Winterfresh Pipedream Anorexia Melodia Sheepskin Jacobs-Lockhart. Has a nice ring to it, wouldn't you say?"

"Erm. Yeah."

THE END.