The Lands of Harry Potter Clichés

Everything Goes "Flatwang".

The building shook a little more. The sky seemed to be changing colours slowly, and the sun came up. In case you don't know about Arctic and Antarctic winters, here comes a boring explanation:

We don't have day and night as you know them. We have a day that lasts six months, and a night that lasts another six months, but seems longer. The sun doesn't rise in January.

Yep. A bit exaggerated, but true.

All three of us watched the sky turn orange for a while, until Gracie said:

"This is no earthquake, and it's not caused by some volcano!"

Halla and I simply stared at her for half a minute before continuing staring at the then-brown sky.

The floor started wiggling, and the sofa Gracie and I were sitting on sank though the jelly-like floor. Despite all of Newton's laws, we remained still at the exact same spot, as if the sofa hadn't gone at all. Halla started sinking like the sofa, while her scarf remained still in thin (Or, perhaps, fat) air just like Gracie and I still did.

It didn't last for long.

Gracie, the scarf and I sank through the jelly-floor with eyes closed. I felt just as normal as if I were still in the sofa on the non-jelly floor. When I opened my eyes, the things I saw seemed like jumbled lights to me, but they gave me a feeling of Déjà vu. I didn't understand anything until later.

This sinking lasted for a while long enough for Gracie to say,

"Whoa!"

I nodded. She got a little bored and started blinking a lot. I ignored her eccentricities.

"Hey, Lísa? You've got to try this! Just do it!"

I didn't feel like speaking so I simply obeyed. I opened and closed my eyelids as fast as I could and the feeling of Déjà vu increased. During a particularly fast blink I saw a Mary-Sue changing into an eagle. During another I saw a blonde girl standing beside Voldemort.

How typical, I thought. Voldie's daughter! Bah!

I became unconscious. (I did not -I repeat- I did NOT faint! I do NOT faint! It's something I don't do.)

Halla speaking: Well, technically you passed out... whatever.

Realization

When I regained consciousness, I found myself lying on bright green grass, and not only was my nose bleeding, but I felt my allergy to grass-pollen act up too. I sat up, pinched my nose and looked around. I saw that I was in a forest by a little path. The forest wasn't very thick where I was, but I supposed that it might just be the Forbidden forest from the HP books. That was the first time that I remembered what had happened before I 'became unconscious'.

I sneezed in shock. It wasn't a pretty sight. I spent a minute getting used to all the blood. I get bloody noses all the time, so I find it more boring than scary.

I took off my fleece scarf and held it around my nose. (That's what you should do if you get a bloody nose: Pinch your nose, keep your head straight and never, ever tilt it backwards! Wait until it stops bleeding and then blow your nose if you dare.)

BORING ALARM!

Whatever.

I glanced up and I saw that the sun was very high, and that it was probably noon. Then I saw a tall person wearing a neon-orange sweater fall on top of me!

Ouch. Yes, it was Gracie, who was asleep. -Not unconscious- asleep. I knew that because she was snoring. When I had stood up again and started searching the tree for more sleepers, Halla fell from the tree to land on the ground beside Gracie.

There I was, blood everywhere, two friends in deep sleep, and dizziness because of the blood loss.

What was I supposed to do? I sat down and searched the plant life for something interesting. I found nothing but clover flowers, and I started making a wreath fit for a dog.

And here I'm sitting; I just finished the one-meter long wreath and if it fits any dog, it would have to be Fluffy.

I'm glad to see that Gracie's stirring.

I hear something nearby. I stand up and get ready to aim my foot at someone's head. I hear someone running. I gasp in surprise as I see Draco Malfoy and a blonde girl -Obvious Mary Sue- coming up the little path. They spot me, and draw their wands. The Mary Sue looks absolutely clueless, and Draco seems strangely tall and muscular.

They walk up to me cautiously.

"Oh, no! This must be the work of our cousin, Voldemort!" says the Mary Sue.

I raise an eyebrow and feel a little shock as I see that Draco doesn't do the same.

"Nope," I say. "No evil deeds here except my devious, malevolent, bleeding nose, inter-dimensional travel and this bunch of flowers."

As I look at Draco, I can see that this is not the Draco I know. He would have at least smirked at the malevolent nose!

Halla's scarf untangles from the tree and hits my face. As I scramble around, trying to loose myself using Bobo, my right hand, I still hold my nose and my scarf in the left hand. I am now glad that I didn't have to try to kick anybody.

Draco doesn't laugh at the unfortunate muggle. I feel as sick as if I just saw a Weasley with no freckles!

"We must go to Dumbledore immediately, dear brother!" the Mary Sue says to the Goody-Two-shoes 'Draco'.

"Ah, shaddup yeh colossal orange!" I barely manage to say before I slump onto the ground because of shock, blood loss, hatred toward the Mary Sue, and hatred toward the person who distorted Draco in such an awful way...

From Poppy to Hell

Mmm... Nice pillow.

Hey, something smells bad! Reminds me of my dentist's office. Ugh, I should have emptied the trashcan sooner... I roll over to the other side and barely open my left eye.

Gracie's sitting on the floor, her face is twenty centimetres from mine. I sit up and blink for a while.

"What, are you hungry already?" I ask and look at my wristwatch. The hands on the clock all point at twelve. I put my hand down. It takes me a while to remember what watches are for. I lift my hand up again and I see that all the hands point at one now.

"What?!?" I yell at my innocent anti-smoking watch. As I move my wrist, all the hands on the watch point to the same direction, like a compass.

I finally make an effort to focus my eyes and see Gracie clearly. She laughs at me and says,

"Your nose made a whistling sound while you were asleep! I tried to find Halla but she's not in here." I look around; eyes fully focused this time.

"We're at Hogwarts, aren't we?" I ask. Gracie nods. I think of the cell phone in my pocket and pick it up. The cell phone (I just named it "The Wall") feels strangely hot, and the screen says:

689 messages received

Uh, oh. I push the main button, 'read'

To my surprise and some relief, it works -partly. The messages are all from "13o13o02,5o02,5o43,5o43,5_Wall"

Uh, oh. I open the first one I see.

"Don't fall for the stump joke"

Freaky. I remember there being some joke surrounding a stump in a forest in Monkey Island1... This makes as much sense as one of our RPGs! Which is none at all. I show this to Gracie. She gets bored and starts counting the cracks in the ceiling. I must consult... uh... hmm. There is no one I could talk to about this except Arthur Weasley. I try to check the other messages. The Wall freezes (The phone, the phone!) Oh, man!

"The Wall froze." I say to Gracie. She looks at the hospital wing's wall.

"The phone, the phone!" I explain.

"Whatever." She says and stands up.

"Where are you going?" She replies,

"I'm going to see what kind of Hogwarts this is."

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"Madam Pomfrey had no personality, and I saw Harry James and Hermione sneaking into that restroom across the corridor, holding hands. Then I heard Dumbledore tell another Harry to go on some ridiculous quest to bring his parents back to life using Voldie's wand and the help of Fleur in a Catwoman costume. And they started singing bizarre lyrics to some crappy boy-band song or other."

"Uhh..." I voice as I digest the information. Something big has happened! It seems that a bunch of overused ideas and wrong personalities of endless genres have collided... Eep!

"Eep," I say. "I think I understand..." Wow. I wonder if there can be any correct characters in a bad fic...

I watch Gracie leave the hospital wing helplessly. I suddenly think of something horrible!

"Gracie!" I yell at the top of my lungs. "Watch out for the slash!" I stop and listen as hard as I can with my rather good hearing. There is no reply.

"Oh, my."

After a while of heavy pondering, I decide to try to find Halla. I recognize the danger of leaving the room, but then I think of all the things that can happen in the hospital wing in Fanfiction, and I decide that staying still is a stupid thing to do.

I stand up from my bed, pick up my Lavender Fuchsia (my purple backpack) and walk cautiously up to the door. I look out to the hallway and see no one. I search the place for anything useful, and find a piece of parchment lying under a painting of a rather scary-looking headmistress.

I pick it up and examine it. Is it the Marauders' Map? Of course, everything has a reason in a cliché unless it's a humour fic. I don't find the former tree very funny.

I put the disguised tree in Lavender Fuchsia and wish for a wand to apparate into my hand.

I also wonder whether the power of clichés affect my friends and me... I walk up to the next window and look outside.

Usually, I would have been surprised at the sight, but strange things have happened the last few, uh... -hours?

In the middle of the Hogwarts grounds, Draco and Ron are saving Hermione and a blonde girl -Draco's sister, I bet- from a dragon, using twin swords.

A few meters from that, Harry and Ginny are making a snowman while admitting their love for each other.

Another Harry sits behind a palm tree (in Britain?) kissing Cho.

I can see a bush near Hagrid's cabin shaking. Steer clear from that one, I think. There are many other things going on under the warm sun, but I am too scared to remain in the same spot for much longer.

"And I thought modern life were rubbish!" I exclaim while half-quoting the name of a Blur CD.

Uh, oh. Nature calls. I look around for anything familiar or a hint for a lavatory. (I like saying that word. Pardon my underdeveloped sense of humour.) Thank goodness! There is a big neon sign on the wall, pointing at a door to my left. The sign is probably an aftermath of some strange humour fic.

I go in and use the first stall I come to. As I am about to go to the sinks, I hear someone opening the door and coming in.

"Malfoy, have you gone mad?" I hear the strangely dim voice of Harry James Potter say in puzzlement.

"Call me Draco. I have never thought this clearly before in my life!"

Fear grips my heart with its sharp, strong claws. There is a -for me- scary, meaningful silence. My sneaking suspicion is confirmed when I hear Harry say:

"Oh Draco, I've been waiting for this for so long! Kiss me, now!"

There is more silence and I begin to think whether I should run away now or -what? I can hear some rustling, and I hear the dreaded sentence:

"But Draco, I'm not sure if I'm ready for this..."

"Aaahh!" Is what I yell while I barge out of the door, wash my hands hastily, and knock over the already undressing characters.

The slash Harry and Draco have no programmed response for this sort of behaviour and they disappear with stunned faces and a loud 'pop'

I crouch down to the floor, breathing heavily, and remember the dreaded day when I found out what slash was -the wrong way. Let me give you a hint: Bubble bath Jacuzzi.