The Lands of Harry Potter Clichés

The Lands of Harry Potter clichés.

Introduzione

In the lands of Harry Potter Clichés, there is no natural law that isn't broken every now and then. For instance: in Romantic Cliché Land, there is not a single character that has any likeness to the characters Joanne K. Rowling created. Also, in that land, there are seldom any single characters at all.

Many such lands exist, including Humour-, Adventure-, Slash-, Mary Sue- and Miscellaneous Cliché lands. Some have yet to be discovered.

Once, there was a gigantic catastrophe! No one really knew what happened that strange day. Except for my friends and me. We know better, for we witnessed the whole thing...

The Idea.

The day it all started was dark and rainy. I don't think anybody in Reykjavík really minded, because the alternative was snowy, bright and freezing, just like any other January there. It hadn't snowed a bit since a few days before Christmas. Just as usual, it had snowed like crazy for what seemed like a year, everyone set up his or her Christmas decorations early and suddenly; it all disappears in a couple of rainy days.

More often than not, the snow started falling again in early January. I felt that it would happen soon.

What am I doing? Sure, the weather there is interesting, but I don't usually waste away the reader's attention span like this! I should get some sort of boring-alarm...

It was a Friday. Everyone loves Fridays, right? Anyway, I do. The first lesson for us pimply ninth-graders was English. I remember being very enthusiastic about my first English class ever. It was a big disappointment. That's a whole different story, and I think my boring-alarm is about to beep if I don't carry on with what's really important to tell...

Halla and I sat, as usual, by a couple of tables in the middle of our classroom. I vaguely remember the teacher telling us to stop yapping. What's wrong with yapping in advanced English in English class? If only I were this good in Danish... We made our voices just low enough for the teacher not to notice that we weren't paying attention to a cassette playing the voices of a bunch of Brits droning on and on about nothing at all.

"I'm Mandy Taylor! These trousers are BLUE, are you wearing anything BLUE today?" *Stupid music plays* "Pronunciation practice one: Say 'Pronunciation'."

BORING-ALARM!

Sorry.

Main point: I hate English class because I'm above it and I don't need it. For Pete's sake, (Who's Pete, anyway?) I read The Lord of the Rings at the age of thirteen!

Halla is a strange one. She was doodling in Art class once, and she drew such a great picture that she made a fantasy novel after it! I was struggling with a dull little flower while she was at it. She's been my best friend since a few months after I loaned her my (English) copy of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. We were both depressed that winter, and we had cured each other the following spring.

It was in that English class that she came up with the idea that caused the whole chain reaction. I, of course, am just as guilty as she for approving of it!

The idea came to her after a big laughing fit caused by me saying a stupid 'joke':

"Once upon a time," I began, "a slice of ham and a sausage went to a comedy movie together. During a funny scene, the sausage suddenly started crying. The ham asked the sausage, 'Why are you crying?' The sausage replied sadly, 'I can't ride a bike!"

Halla and I had a mad fit of laughter. After we recovered, she suddenly told me The Idea.

"Let's make a perfectly messed up Fanfic that can't be categorized! You see, one second, Harry and um, Cho or someone would be kissing and it would be absolutely typical for a romance, and the next, a Death eater stabs Cho, and Harry tries to go on some adventure-ish quest for vengeance, but..." I understood and cut in.

"Then he ends up in a censored slash with Draco, and an anvil falls on their heads so it becomes a parody..."

"Where Draco falls in love with a rock..."

"And then, Buffy the Vampire Slayer comes in to make it a crossover, and The Last Vampire Kicks her wimpy little arse!"

"Wimpy?" Halla asked me.

"Sorry, I just think that she's a tiny little, badly made speck of dirt on a toilet seat compared to 5000 year old Sita!" I meant to say this but I scratched it and simply said,

"Well, she is, compared to Sita..."

"I still think she's feministic."

"I still think Sarah Michelle Gellar would never be on that show if she... Let's just say that her talents seem pretty one-sided..." Halla slowly shook her head, looked at her finished work and said,

"We have different perspectives and opinions, and I respect yours..."

"Likewise."

The Fic.

I looked forward to writing the fic. We had written a few fics together before and a couple of them were written with us sitting in front of either one's computer, one writing, the other one suggesting what happens. (Want to read them? http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=105270)

Another time, we wrote a spoof of Deck the Halls during a half-hour break at school. Whenever we write something together it ends up hilarious. Well, they are hilarious according to our standards anyway...

After the last class, Drawing, I followed Halla to her family's apartment. She lives in a block so tall that the ravens hang around there because they think the buildings are just steep cliffs.

"I read somewhere that Damon Albarn is visiting Iceland soon." I said.

"Again?" Halla asked me.

"Yup."

"I wonder how long it will be until he permanently moves to Reykjavík."

"I dunno, he has a lot of things going on these days..."

Unknown to us, a person taller than 80% of my family was sneaking around the grassy hills around us. This person walked up to me, grabbed my shoulders harshly and yelled,

"GURUSKWAB!" (Don't bother looking that one up in a dictionary.)

I let out an embarrassingly high-pitched yell. After a stupid pause and realizing who on Earth that person was, I frumpily (I hope that only has meaning to Halla, and no-one else.) gave another shout, but this time it sounded a bit less wimpy. Halla and the girl giggled.

"Frumpy!" Halla said, to my slight annoyance.

The other girl -Who told me to call her Gracie Lu Free-Bush despite her rather nice Icelandic name- looked at me inquiringly.

"Don't ask." She looked at Halla instead.

"It's a cross between grumpy and funny!" 'Gracie' looked at me again.

"I don't know." I shook my head.

"Why are you in Reykjavík?" I asked 'Gracie'.

She looked at me as if my IQ had dropped a few more notches than it usually does on my alter ego, Mephisto.

"Oh, yeah! Your father's turn... Right." I said stupidly.

*#*

When we were inside Halla's surprisingly empty home, I asked Gracie,

"How did you know where we were?"

"I didn't." She paused. I decided to wait until she explained herself.

"My Dad drove me to your school and when I got there, I saw you leaving, and followed you."

"I see."

Halla had already sat down by her computer, reading e-mails and checking on our favourite yahoo group. Gracie and I sat down in a sofa and chatted.

"How's Messiah?" (Her cat.) I asked.

"Eh?"

"Skwaby."

"Oh, she's all right, but she keeps attacking my toes at night!"

"Pjakkur does that whenever he's in my room and the door is closed."

BORING ALARM!

Sorry.

Anyway, when Halla was finally done, she opened up a StarOffice document and we began:

The story that couldn't be categorized

Harry took Cho's hand and asked the question they had both been waiting for, for all these weeks.

"Cho, will you marry me?"

Cho couldn't say a thing. After wanting no one but him for all these years, she was happier than ever. She had desired him since that fateful moment when he had looked at her in the Great Hall. He hadn't known that she knew that he was looking at her, and she knew that. It was then that she knew. She loved him. She needed to feel his touch, his protection.

Instead of saying anything, she just threw herself into Harry's arms, and wept. Harry held her tight, and stroked her soft, black hair. She looked up to him and smiled through her tears. She nodded, and Harry softly kissed her on her lips. She kissed back. She felt herself sinking slowly into Harry's blissful embrace. Never before had her feelings for Harry been so strong! After these decades of waiting for Harry to become hers, she finally got her reward.

"Decades?" I asked.

Halla just giggled.

If they had opened their eyes for one moment, they would have seen the evil Draco Malfoy lurking around in the darkest corner of the Astronomy tower, holding a broom. He sneaked up to Cho, grabbed her, and flew away with her on his broom.

"Help me, Harry!" Cho yelled, knowing that Harry was her only hope.

"I'll save you, Cho, even if I'll have to go to the edge of the earth, I will find you!"

"Don't forget the rock!" I told her.

"Don't worry." She said.

The evil Draco Malfoy laughed evilly and said,

"Haha! No one will ever stop my fiendish plans and plots against the goodwill of the innocent! I will never let you idiots befoul my precious rock! Muhuhahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!"

Draco took a rock from his pocket and gave it a sloppy kiss before disappearing into the darkness.

As Harry tried to put himself together and realize what was going on, a girl walked up to the Astronomy tower.

Suddenly, it was as if a certain warmth entered the place. Harry stared in awe at the beautiful creature, which slowly and gracefully walked up to him. She had huge, mesmerizing blue eye and pale golden hair that seemed to glow all on its own as it lightly brushed against her ankles. She had pale, flawless skin and wore only white, from her perfect little head to her perfect little shoes.

Her voice sounded like a dozen choirs singing in the Sistine Chapel, and Harry felt as if he were gliding through a patch of pink clouds when she said,

"Help me! There are like, three non-blonds like, chasing me and calling me a Mary-Sue! But my name is, like, Angela! You know?"

Harry and the Über-Mary-Sue from Hell fainted. The leader of the three girls, Diablo, stepped up to the pitiful couple of characters.

When we had come this far, I heard a faint murmur, and felt a wave of tremor.

"Again?" Halla asked no one particular.

"Yup," said Gracie. "Another earthquake."

"Ooh, ooh! Make Gracie turn into a door-handle!" I suggested to Halla, the typist at the moment. Gracie had gotten bored and started watching news about some volcano erupting again.

"Okay" Halla said.

Ron burst into the tower and saw Diablo crouching over Angela, and poking her. He spotted Harry's sad image and presumed that he was dead.

"Nooooooooooo!" Ron yelled as he ran towards Harry and knelt down beside him.

"Harry, HARRY! You can't be dead! Oh, no! I'm so sorry about that fight in fourth year! I should have known that you weren't happy about all that attention! Oh, Harry, I'm an idiot, a git, and a blubbering moron! I'm so sorry..."He shed a few tears.

He looked up to see Diablo.

"You killed him! You did, didn't you?!? AARGH!"

He attacked Diablo, who simply poked him. Ron fell onto the floor. He looked around and realized that she had turned him into pudding. A pudding with freckles, that is.

Harry woke up and asked Diablo,

"Hey, how did you do that without a wand?"

Diablo got bored and turned Harry into a Fle. (Mutated, giant hamster. For more info, contact Halla at [email protected].) She then poked the Mary Sue from hell for the last time, so that she turned herself into a door handle and the Mary Sue into a speck of dust.

Her first-and-second-in-command, Baal and Mephisto, came running up to the tower. They were very careful to step on a particular speck of dust.

"Sorry, Diablo, but we simply had to pet that beautiful Mrs. Norris!" Mephisto said.

"Beautiful?" Baal asked. "She tried to bite my head off!"

Mephisto ignored her. (She likes cats.)

"Have we rid this place of all of them?" Baal asked, while Mephisto grew a tail.

"Almost," Mephisto replied. "There is still the one I left on top of Dobby, and one that Diablo had to leave in Snape's office. Sneaky little Gary-Stus..."

"Baal, destroy!" Mephisto said, making Baal hunt down the remaining parasites.

"I exist only to kill, I exist only to kill, I exist only to kill..." Baal chanted while leaving.

"Don't destroy Dobby!" Mephisto commanded as she picked up Diablo the door handle. Baal looked disappointed, but she heeded.

As Mephisto strolled (On four feet) outside, she spotted her cat sneaking into Dumbledore's office. (Want to read what happens there?)

Lavender Brown just happened to pass by the Astronomy tower. So did Fleur Delacour. And Seamus Finnigan.

"I wuzzn't expecting you two to be here" Fleur started.

CENSORED

You see; we have to keep this PG13.

The end... So far.

*#*