I’m Not a Muggle Not Yet a Wizard

"The Gryffindor cheerleading tryouts are this evening," Gillian said to Ginny. "Are you going to go with me?"

"To tryout?" Ginny asked.

Gillian rolled her eyes. "What else?"

"I don’t know," Ginny began. "I don’t think I’m up to making a fool of myself in front of the whole school. And I don’t think I could jump that high and do all those fancy jumps..."

"That’s the beauty of wizard cheerleading!" Gillian exclaimed. "You can drink potions that will just allow your body to naturally do those flips and turns and jumps with ease. C’mon, Gin, just come with me and try out. If you make it, great, if not, then at least you tried."

"Okay, I’ll come," Ginny agreed.

A few hours later they were on the Quidditch field where the tryouts were to be held. Many other Gryffindor girls had come too. Ginny saw Hermione and walked over to her.

"Hermione, you’re trying out too? I thought you didn’t like athletic stuff."

Hermione scowled and rolled her eyes. "I don’t. But THEY" – she pointed at Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil – "made me come. So I’ll probably embarrass myself in front of everybody here."

"I’m sure you’ll be fine," Ginny assured her.

"Yeah, well....You never told me you were going to try out, Ginny."

"That’s because I didn’t know until a few hours ago. Gillian practically begged me to come, so I decided why not?"

Gillian, who had heard their conversation came up and swung an arm around Hermione. "Yeah, but I think she finally agreed because if she makes the team, then she can impress Harry."

Ginny blushed. She was about to defend herself – when she remembered that not even her two best friends knew about her relationship. "Well, it wouldn’t hurt," came her reply.

"Okay girls, is everyone here?" Professor McGonagall asked as she came out on the field.

"And guys!" Dean corrected her. He, Seamus, and Colin were the only guys on the field at the moment. They were all trying out for yell leader.

McGonagall tried to suppress a smile. "Right. Everybody over here please."

The Gryffindor students crowded around her.

"Now, I have chosen the Gryffindor cheerleader captain –"

"Already?" asked Miranda Branch, a pretty blue eyed sixth year.

"Yes, Miss Brown, please come up here."

With a look of triumph on her face, Lavender Brown walked up to McGonagall, her long blonde ponytail bobbing with each step she took. She stood next to the Professor.

"Miss Brown has attended Wizard Cheerleading School for the past four summers," McGonagall told the crowd. "And since she has the most experience, I saw it fit to make her the captain."

"They have Wizard Cheerleading School?" Hermione whispered to Ginny who just shrugged. She had no idea either.

"Miss Brown will be helping me choose the six other girls on the squad and the yell leader," McGonagall continued. "So without further ado, let’s get started, shall we?"

For the next couple of hours the Gryffindors found themselves do every kind of jump, twist, turn, flip, and cartwheel they could think of. Poor Hermione nearly killed herself when she had jumped a little too high from the pyramid.

"Okay, everybody!" Lavender Brown said in an annoyingly perky voice. "I have finally decided on the new team. Everybody over here."

Hesitantly the group moved over to her.

Lavender smiled at them. "First of all, I’d like to say you all did a wonderful job, but not everybody could make it. There are, after all, only seven spots on this team. First of all, I’d like to welcome our yell leader, Colin Creevey."

Colin screamed. "Yes, I made it!"

"And as for the rest of the team, I’d like to welcome Parvati Patil."

Ginny rolled her eyes. It figured that Lavender’s best friend would make the team.

Lavender continued reading the names: "Miranda Branch, Annabelle Smitten, Kjirsten Skilensidenoffer, Gillian Daniels."

"Congratulations Gillian!" Ginny whispered to her friend.

"And Ginny Weasley," Lavender finished.

Ginny felt her jaw drop as Hermione and Gillian congratulated her. She felt she had done well at the tryouts, but certainly not well enough to get a spot on the team.

"Congratulations, you two," Hermione said to Ginny and Gillian as they walked back to the castle.

"Thanks," Gillian replied. "Sorry you didn’t make the team."

"I’m not sorry!" Hermione said. "Relieved actually. Anyway, good luck to you two for putting up with Lavender as the captain. I’ve lived with her for the past four years and she can be pretty, can we say, intolerable at times."

"Hey girls, what are you talking about?"

They turned around to see Miranda walking up to them.

"Oh, hey, Miranda," said Hermione. "We were just talking about who made the team. Congratulations, by the way."

"Thanks and the same to you two." She smiled at Gillian and Ginny.

They came to the Fat Lady and Hermione uttered the password (Lasagna) and the door swung open.

"I made the team!" Ginny cried as she came running excitedly inside and tripped over the Oriental rug in the center of the room. "I’m okay!" she cried standing up.

"You sure you made the team, Gin?" Ron asked, a chuckle in his eyes. "I don’t think they’re gonna want somebody who’s tripping over her two left feet."

"Hmph."

Miranda was greeted by her sixth year boyfriend, Timmy Sallon, who swept her up in a big hug. "So did you make the squad, baby?" he asked

"Yes, I did," she giggled.

"Great! C’mon let’s go snog to celebrate!"

Miranda said a quick goodbye to the others, and in a flash she was gone, following Timmy upstairs.

* * *

"There’s no I.R. class this afternoon," Seamus told them. "There was a note from Professor Crunk on the door that said to meet instead at ten this evening."

Hermione frowned. "Why?"

Lavender shrugged. "The note didn’t say."

"I wonder why he wants us to meet so late?" Ron mused. "Does anyone know what the next chapter we’re studying is?"

Harry shrugged. "I have no idea. I’m just glad we’re done with our self gratification section!" He rolled his eyes. "I don’t think I could take anymore of Mervin telling us how he always gratifies himself three times a day with his Play Wizard magazines!"

"I can’t believe we have to have class at ten!" exclaimed Hermione. "Well at least it’s Friday. We don’t have to worry about getting up early tomorrow."

"Like that’s ever stopped you before from getting up early on the weekend to get in some studying," Ron replied sarcastically.

* * *

The fifth year students found out they were going to the hip new dance club in Hogsmeade, Potion Motion for their Intimate Relations class. What Professor Crunk was planning on teaching them, they had no idea.

"I bet Crunk’s gonna show us how to pick up slutches," Ron said to his roommates as they got dressed to go out. "Slutches" was slang for slutty witches.

"Who cares, we get to go out tonight!" Dean cried.

"I’ve never been to a club before," Neville nervously said as he tied his tie. "I hope Professor Crunk isn’t going to make us do anything too embarrassing."

"Yeah, right." Harry rolled his eyes, remembering what had happened last time in that class. Professor Crunk had wanted him to read aloud his essay about how he pleasures himself. Harry had managed to fake a massive coughing attack, excusing himself to go to the nurse.

Ron grinned at him. "Such a shame you couldn’t read your essay, Harry!"

"Oh, shove it, Ron.

* * *

"Ooh, this is going to be so much fun!" Lavender squealed as she got ready to go out along with the rest of her roommates.

Hermione rolled her eyes as she put on a navy dress. "Professor Crunk is crazy for taking us out to a club for a school assignment!"

"It’s fine with me!" giggled Parvati.

"Ah ain’t been out t’a club in a long time," commented Britney. "Mah dream has allus been t'wawk as a stripper at a club. Well bust mah britches an' call me streaker."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "You and Mervin were SO made for each other."

"Come on, class starts in five minutes!" Lavender cried, putting the finishing touches of her make up on.

* * *

Professor Crunk smiled at all his fifth year students. The Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs who shared their I.R. classes together, were also going to the club the same night as the Gryffindors and Slytherins.

"Hello class. I’m sure by now you’ve heard I’m taking you to the hippest club in Hogsmeade, Potion Motion, tonight." His students nodded. "I’m taking you there so you can interact in a club environment. I will teach you how to pick up witches or wizards, whichever way you swing. Maybe we’ll even get in some pole dancing." He winked at his students, as Mervin and Britney were the only ones to cheer.

"Now you may fly your broomsticks or walk to the club. But let’s all meet out front in fifteen minutes, okay?"

"Want to ride with me?" Harry asked Ron.

"Sure. Wanna hitch a ride with us, Mione?"

Hermione looked uncertain. "You know how I don’t like to fly, Ron."

"But you’ll be between Harry and me. We’ll keep you safe, won’t we Harry?"

"Oh, yes of course, Hermione. As long as you don’t piss us off."

Hermione scowled at Harry. "All right. But no funny business!"

Harry ran and got his Firebolt. He charmed it so it would easily fit three people and added the cushioning charm to it. A moment later he jumped onto the levitating broom. "Hop on," he told Hermione.

She did, holding on tightly to him, practically choking him.

"Not so tight, Hermione!"

"Oh, right. Sorry."

Ron got on next and held on to Hermione.

"Ready?" Harry asked.

"Ready," his two friends replied in unison.

Harry took off with a swift motion as Ron whooped and Hermione screamed.

"You okay, Mione?"

"Yes! Harry! Please slow down!"

But instead of slowing, he sped up. Hermione hit him on the back of the head.

"Ow!"

"Serves you right! Dammit, Harry! Slow down! You’re going too fast!"

"He’s not going fast enough!" Ron yelled. "Go faster, Harry!"

Harry grinned. "Whatever you say, Ron."

Hermione screamed again as the broom went higher and faster. "Oh, Merlin! We’re going to die!"

"Nah we’re not going to die," Harry assured her. "We might, though, if I do this." He did a couple 360s with his broom."

"That was NOT funny, Harry!" Hermione scolded him.

"Yes, it was!" Ron roared with laughter. He looked down. "Hey, Harry, I think you may want to land now. I see the club coming up."

"Okay." Harry took a nosedive and they headed down, Hermione screaming in his ear.

"Oof!" they all cried when he touched ground, Hermione and Ron tumbling on top of Harry.

"Ow!" exclaimed Hermione jumping up and brushing off her dress. "I’ve seen better landings than that!"

Harry smoothed down his hair. "Us too."

After everyone had met in front of the club, they went inside. Professor Crunk started to talk to them about how to pick up hot witches and studly wizards, but nobody was paying attention to him as they were looking around the club. The building looked small on the outside, but it was huge on the inside. A large dance floor was in the center of the room with lights of all different colors flowing over it. A huge disco ball hung in the middle. A black wizard DJ with a large afro played the music and witches dressed in nothing but tiny tops and skirts served as waitresses.

"Now the first thing you want to do when picking up a fine, foxy witch is to compliment her," Crunk told the young wizards. "Whether it be her hair, dress, or groovy dancing skills, say something nice to her. Hell, lie if you have to."

Hermione snorted.

"For instance," Crunk continued. "See that blonde witch over there? I may go over there and tell her what a nice set of cauldrons she has."

"I don’t see any cauldrons with her," said a very clueless Hufflepuff.

"Professor Crunk, don’t you think that’s offensive?" questioned Hermione.

"Nonsense!’ Crunk replied cheerfully. "Most witches are flattered when they get complimented on their lovely assets."

Hermione gave him an uncertain look.

"Now watch me carefully as I will try to buy the lady a drink."

The students watched as their Professor walked over to the older witch who was at the bar, already sipping on a Martini.

"Good evening," Professor Crunk said to her. "Your name must be Sexy Thing because you are a sexy thing!"

The whole class groaned quietly as the witch looked at him with raised eyebrows. "Can I help you?" she asked coolly.

"Actually, I was wondering if I could help you. Perhaps buy you a drink?"

The witch held up her glass.

"Oh, right. How about a dance, then? I can get your groove thing on, baby!"

Just then a huge man with many muscles came up to them. He was so large he would put the WWF wrestlers to shame. He wore blacks pants and a green T-shirt and his blonde hair was in a crew cut. "Is that idiot bothering you, baby?"

"Oh, it’s just another one of those losers hitting on me, Hank." The witch sounded bored.

Hank’s face went red as he picked up Pervin by the collar. It was an amazing defeat since Professor Crunk weighed 300 pounds, but Hank seemed to lift him up easily as he slammed him against the wall. "What the hell do you think you’re doing, coming on to my woman, you slimy fat turd? Why I oughta kill you."

"It was a mistake!" Pervin squirmed. "I didn’t know she was taken. But if it’s any consolation, you’re a very lucky man. She has a nice rack on her—"

Pervin didn’t have the chance to say anything more because Hank had grabbed him by the neck and shirt and threw him across the bar, headfirst, where he went sliding across, knocking over glasses and alcohol bottles as he slid across the long mahogany table.

There were more big wizards sitting at the bar and they weren’t very happy that Pervin had knocked over their drinks and proceeded to beat the shit out of him.

"FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!"

"This is rad!" Seamus cried.

Once the big wizards were tired of beating up Pervin, they tossed him over the side of the bar.

"Oh," groaned Professor Crunk. "I don’t think that went too well. Do any of you know any de-bruising spells?"

"I do, Professor Crunk," Hermione said as she stepped up and took out her wand. She pointed it at her Professor, taking away his many bruises.

"Thank you. You’re a dear. No wonder my son has the hots for you."

Hermione scowled.

"Well, now then, rule number one: never hit on an already taken witch."

Everyone rolled their eyes.

"Now would any of you young, study wizards like to volunteer and hit on one of the many fine bootylicious witches in this joint?"

Nobody volunteered.

"Alright then, I don’t want to pressure anybody. Maybe next time. Well, that’s it for our lesson. You can stay here and have some fun if you’d like. Oh, and those who want to learn how to pole dance, follow me!"

"I’ll go wit you, Professor Crunk," Britney volunteered. "Ah haf a pole I dance wit at mah home in Louisiana."

They left along with Mervin who also wanted to show off some of his new moves.

Ron grinned and held out his hand to Hermione. "Wanna dance?"

She smiled at him. "Why, I don’t think I could refuse somebody as charming as you."

A slow dance came on as they headed out onto the dance floor and Ron put his arms around Hermione’s waist, and she put her arms around his neck and they danced close together.

The dancing continued and everyone groaned when Mervin came out on the dance floor, dancing like a pimpin’ fool.

Mervin started to shake his fat booty against a scantily clad witch.

"Hey, baby, wanna get it on with me?"

There was a loud SLAP as the witch smacked him across the face.

Mervin continued on his next prey, putting his hands on a witch’s butt, but ended up being slugged across the dance floor by her.

"Get your filthy hands off me, you pervert!"

Hermione looked at him with a disgusted look. "Can you believe him?" she said to Ron. "He absolutely has no respect for witches!"

Ron just nodded. He was sitting at the bar with Harry and they were both getting a little tipsy from all the drinks they had consumed.

Harry giggled. "Mervin really knows how to get down."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Oh, honestly!"

This made Harry and Ron crack up mercilessly. Ron had to put his head down on the bar as his shoulders shook from laughter. He started to choke and Harry had to whack him on the back a couple of times.

Parvati came over to them. "What’s wrong with them?" she asked Hermione.

"They’re drunk."

"Ah."

"You two are going to be in so much trouble with Professor McGonagall!" Hermione warned them.

"Blah, blah, whatever," Ron replied.

"Oh, Merlin," Parvati groaned. "Look."

Hermione turned her head to where Parvati was pointing to see Professor Crunk get up on stage with a magikphone in his hand. "Oh no! Is he going to sing?"

"Looks like it."

Just like Mervin, Professor Crunk had an awful voice and the wizards and witches in the club had to cover their ears as he warbled.

Only the drunken wizards snag along with Professor Crunk, including Ron and Harry.

Nobody applauded at the end of the song. But there were quite a few boos from the audience.

Hermione looked at her watch. It was well after midnight and she needed to head back. She looked at Harry and Ron, and decided not to disturb them. It wasn’t her fault they were so sodding drunk!

* * *

"Oohhhh," Harry groaned as he woke up. His whole body ached and he felt very dizzy. He looked around to see he was outside, in some sort of ally. Next to him, Ron was sleeping with his arm slung over his eyes. Harry shook him. "Ron, wake up."

Ron moaned and turned over. "What time is it?" he muttered.

"Uh..." Harry looked at his watch. "Almost noon."

Ron sat up and looked around him. "Where are we?"

"In the alley behind Potion Motion," Harry replied. "I don’t remember coming out here, do you?"

Ron shook his head. "I guess we must have passed out inside and they kicked us out here."

"I wonder why Hermione didn’t wake us?"

Ron shrugged. "What a night though, huh?"

"Yeah." Harry took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. "Come on, we better head back before McGonagall gets her knickers in a twist."

They both got up and dusted off their rumpled clothes. They still had a bit of a hangover, but it was pretty much gone. They walked over to the spot where Harry had parked his Firebolt the night before.. There was nothing there.

Harry looked all around him. "Dude, where’s my broom?"

"Where’s your broom, dude?" asked Ron.

"I don’t know! It was right here! Where the hell could it be?" Harry began to panic. His precious Firebolt was gone! GONE!

"Don’t panic!" Ron said quickly. "Uh, maybe Hermione took it home. She probably didn’t want us to drink and fly."

"Hermione doesn’t like to fly!"

"Maybe she took it, but walked home," Ron reasoned.

"Yes, of course," said Harry. "Hermione is my friend. She wouldn’t want to see my Firebolt get damaged. I bet she took it back with her. At least, she better have!"

"Well, I guess we’ll have to walk back," Ron sighed.

The moment they returned to the castle Harry nearly pounced on Hermione (after he and Ron got a strict lecture from McGonagall). "Hermione, you brought my broom home with you last night, right?"

"Yes, Harry," she said pointing to the broom that was standing in a corner. "I took it because neither you nor Ron were in a state to fly last night." She put her hands on her hips and glared at them.

"Come on, Mione, we weren’t that drunk!" said Ron.

"Hmph!"

* * *

"Okay, is everyone here?" Pansy Parkinson stood in front of her cheerleading team, her hands on her hips. She was the captain of the Slytherin cheerleading team.

"Yes," chorused six female voices and one male voice that belonged to Mervin Crunk, who was the team’s yell leader.

"So what does everyone think of the uniforms?" Pansy tugged at her own green skirt and matching tank top with the embroidered silver snake on the front. Her straight chin length blond hair was held up in two ponytails.

"Oh, I love them!" said Kat Jamison, a sixth year.

Lithorina Masonis, a fifth year with blonde wavy hair looked at Mervin with an expression of revolt. He wore a tight green tank top and green shorts that really didn’t flatter him at all. "Mervin looks like a fat green slug! Why is he on this team anyway?"

"Because he was the only guy who tried out for yell leader," Pansy snapped. "I’m not happy about it either, aite?"

Dragnia Paradise, another fifth year student with platinum blonde hair and pale blue eyes spoke up. "How on earth is Mervin ever going to jump as high as we need him to?"

"He’s not," Pansy replied simply. "He’s got a big mouth, so I figured we could use him to yell the cheers."

"But his singing sucks!" whined Tiffany Little, a sixth year with blonde hair and greenish-silver eyes. She was five foot seven, tan, and possessed a third nipple, which she was very proud of. "He sounds like a whale in heat!"

Mervin looked hurt. "None of you righteous babes like my singing?"

The girls groaned.

"Mervin, you know you only tried out to be a yell leader because you wanted to see all the witches in their uniforms," said Tanna Lee Hamptur, a sixth year with long black hair and freckles across her nose who went by the nickname Ta.

Mervin grinned. "Damn straight. You know how much I hate sports, but if it involves hot witches in skimpy clothes, I am so there! Its such a shame Hermione Granger didn’t make the Gryffindor team. I would have loved to see her delicious booty in one of their uniforms."

"Ugh, don’t speak of those vile Gryffindors!" Pansy uttered.

"Speaking of Gryffindors...," Tiffany nodded and Pansy turned around to see Lavender Brown walking her way with her crew of Gryffindor cheerleaders. Their outfits were similar to those of the Slytherins, except they were red and had a gold lion on the front of them.

Pansy smirked at them. "Well, well, well, what do we have here? The Gryffies."

Lavender marched up to her, her blonde hair swaying in her ponytail. She stood straight up right across from Pansy, her hands on her hips. She was taller than the other girl, but Pansy didn’t flinch as she glared at the Gryffindor, her eyes flashing angrily.

"Just what do you think you’re doing?"

"Get off the field, Parkinson. Your practice time is over. It’s our time now."

"Says who?"

"Says the schedule." Lavender held out her hand to Parvati who handed her a piece of paper. "See? Four o’clock, Monday. Gryffindors get the field to practice. So sod off."

Pansy scowled at the taller girl. "I think not! We were here first and we still have more stuff we need to work on."

Gillian smirked. "Why am I not surprised?"

Pansy turned, her eyes flashing at the brunette. "What. Did. You. Say?"

"I said-"

"Okay, okay, okay," said Miranda. ‘This is getting us nowhere."

"Yes, so why don’t you be on your merry little ways." Pansy waved the Gryffindors off.

Lavender stood her ground, her hands still on her hips. "NO!"

"YES!"

"We are not leaving you bitch!"

Pansy gave a loud gasp! "Why you! The nerve! Slut!"

"Ho!"

"Tramp!"

Kat and Dragnia pulled Pansy away before she could slug Lavender.

"Fine, we’ll leave," seethed Pansy. "I don’t want to be here with any loser Gryffindors anyway! But you’ll pay for this, just you wait and see."

"Not before we get to you first!" Gillian said as she pointed her wand at Pansy. "Madonnalotis!" she cried.

Pansy gave out a gasp. "What did you do, you little imbecile? Open your heart to me, I hold the lock and you hold the key." She coughed. "What the hell did you do to me? Why am I singing? Because we are living in a material world and I am a material girl!"

"Merlin!" exclaimed Kat. "You put the Madonna curse on her!"

Gillian smirked. "That’s right. They who gets the Madonna curse will be singing snippets of Madonna’s songs at any given moment."

"Take the curse off me!" Pansy demanded. "Like a virgin! Touched for the very first time! Take it off me now!"

"See you!" Gillian said merrily as she waved goodbye.

* * *

THE NEXT DAY....

....in Potion’s Class:

Pansy came walking in huffily, glaring at Lavender and Parvati who sat together, laughing behind their hands as the Slytherin took her usual seat next to Lithorina. Pansy gave them the evil eye as she slammed her books down.

"What’s wrong with you?" Draco asked who was sitting behind her.

Pansy refused to answer for fear if she opened her mouth, she would start singing again. Luckily she was saved by Professor Snape.

"Now I’m all certain you did your homework for today," he began.

Hermione raised her hand. Snape rolled his eyes, but called on her. "Yes, Miss Granger?"

"Professor Snape, I don’t think it’s fair that you assigned the Gryffindors to read 200 pages and answer fifty questions, while the Slytherins only had to read ten pages and answer one simple question."

Snape narrowed his eyes at her. "Miss Granger, out of all the people in this class, I would have excepted this behavior from you the least. I thought reading books and studying to enrich your mind made you quite happy."

"Well, yes," Hermione admitted. "But I’m also for equal opportunity. And I just don’t think it’s fair you gave the Gryffindors much more work than the Slytherins."

"Fair?" Snape started to laugh with a loud booming voice and the other Slytherins joined in.

Hermione felt her face heat and she slid down in her chair.

Unfortunately for Pansy, she had begun to laugh too and couldn’t stop herself. "Holiday! Celebrate!"

The whole class looked at her

"What’s that, Miss Parkinson?" asked Snape.

"Um, nothing, Professor," she squeaked. "I’m gonna dress you up in my love!"

Snape frowned at her. "Are you okay, Miss Parkinson? You seem to keep singing."

Hermione looked over at Lavender and Parvati who both had their heads on the table, their shoulders shaking hard from laughing. She also saw Pansy shoot a death glare at them.

"I’m fine, Professor Snape. I just have – Get into the groove."

"Miss Parkinson, maybe it would be best for all of us if you just kept quiet for the rest of the class."

Pansy crossed her arms and leaned back in her seat as she pouted.

"Yes, maybe that would be best for all of us," giggled Lavender.

"Ten points from Gryffindor!" Snape barked.

IN INTIMATE RELATION’S CLASS....

Pansy stormed up to Lavender, hands on her hips as she glared at her. "All right, you little tramp, you better get your fellow Gryffie cheerleader – You’re the one for me baby, this I know cuz it’s true love - to get this bloody curse off of me!"

"Oh, there’s no countercurse," Lavender explained calmly as she examined her fingernails. "The spell will go away eventually."

"How long You just keep on pushing my love over the borderline! before it goes away?"

"Oh, anywhere from two days to two weeks."

"WHAT?" Pansy shrieked. "You must be my lucky star because you shine on me wherever you are!"

"Oh, I like that song," said Lavender. "Keep singing it."

Pansy gave her the finger before she proceeded to sit down.

"Hello class!" Professor Crunk said as he came rushing into class looking flushed. "Sorry I’m late. I was filling out my application to be the Play Wizard of the year."

The class groaned.

"Dad, I just know you’ll win that title!" Mervin said. "You’re the only person I know who’s collected all the Play Wizard issues since the debut one in 1968."

Professor Crunk chuckled heartily. "And thank Merlin I have a son like you for me to pass them down to!"

"Dad! I saw Show Witches last night! It was GREAT!"

"A wonderful movie!" cried Crunk. "I would show it in this class, but unfortunately it’s rated NW-17."

"Mervin’s under seventeen," pointed out Ron.

"Maybe so, but my son is VERY mature," replied Crunk. "He is a very responsible young man."

Hermione snorted.

"Well today we are going to start our chapter on pregnancy. Open your textbooks to page fifty-six. Getting a witch pregnant equals very bad. Always use some kind of form of birth control unless you want to have a baby. Now let’s do some role playing."

The class groaned again. Not role playing again!

"Mervin, Hermione, please come down here."

"Oh jeeze," said Hermione. "Why am I always paired with the loser?"

Crunk handed Hermione a small pillow and instructed for her to put it under her shirt so she would look pregnant. "Now you and Mervin will be playing a dating couple and you’ve just found out your pregnant. You two are going to role play this conversation."

"But Professor Crunk, if I found out I was pregnant, I wouldn’t be showing this much yet," Hermione said sensibly.

"It doesn’t matter, it’s just role playing!" Crunk said exasperatedly.

"Or you could just take off your clothes and stand in your underwear," Mervin volunteered.

Hermione gave him an odd look. "WHAT?"

"Okay, begin," said Crunk.

"No!" said Hermione as she threw the pillow down on the ground. "I am always sick of having to role play these stupid skits with Mervin! Pick somebody else!" She stomped back to her seat.

"Ten points from Gryffindor!" said Crunk. "Pansy, get down here."

Pansy gulped but made her way down to the floor where she picked up the pillow and placed it under her shirt.

"And begin," said Crunk.

"I’m pregnant," Pansy said.

"Pregnant!" Mervin exclaimed as he grabbed Pansy’s hands. "This is wonderful. Although you’re not the one I wanted to get pregnant." He glanced at Hermione who rolled her eyes. "But how will we ever care for this baby? We’re both still in school and I have that job as a male stripper yes, but we still need more money."

Pansy looked green at the idea of Mervin being a male stripper. "Perhaps we could – Papa I know you’re gonna be upset because I was always your little girl."

"Huh?" said Mervin.

Pansy cursed. "Papa don’t preach. I’m in trouble deep. But I made up my mind, I’m keeping my baby. I’m gonna keep my baby, mmm."

Mervin started to cry. "What are you talking about?"

"Okay, this isn’t going as I expected," said Crunk. "Everyone sit down and we’ll read from the book."

* * *

That evening Ron and Harry walked to Quidditch practice together. Harry had called for practice for every night of the week because next weekend they would be playing against Slytherin. Harry didn’t want to admit it, but they were a pretty good team and he wanted to be sure they would beat them.

"I feel the need," Ron said with a grin as he walked beside Harry, broom in hand.

Harry grinned back and they both replied in unison, "The need for speed! Whooo!" they hollered as they gave each other high fives.

"I just hope those imbeciles play fair," said Ron. "And I hope Malfoy doesn’t have anything up his sleeves."

Harry gave a bitter laugh. "The Slytherins play fair? Now that’s an oxymoron."

"Well, whatever happens, we better just beat them!"

Harry nodded. "I couldn’t agree more. Nothing would make me happier than to beat those slimy, good for nothing little pricks."

They met up with the rest of the team who were already flying around the field. Hermione and Ginny were in the bleachers. They had obviously come to watch. Ginny was talking to Hermione who appeared to be laughing her head off. Even though they couldn’t hear her, Ginny was recounting to her what had happened between the Gryffindor and Slytherin cheerleaders the other day.

The practice went smoothly and Harry was much more confident that his team could whoop the Slytherin teams.

"We’ll take them out in no time," Alicia had assured him. "We’re way better than them anyway."

"Way better," Angelina agreed, grinning.

"Good practice," Harry said to his team. "Let’s meet here same time, tomorrow."

The others nodded and started to walk back to the castle. Ron linked his arm with Hermione and they walked back together, their heads bent close together as they chatted.

Harry smiled at his two friends, then turned back to the bleachers where Ginny was still sitting. He went over to join her.

"So how were we?" he asked her.

"Not bad from I saw. You’ll easily beat the Slytherins come the next match."

"Yeah, you’re right. Anyway, we had better beat them because all these practices are really making me sore!"

Ginny laughed at his grumbling and leaned in to kiss him.

"What was that for?"

"To ease the pain."

"Hmm...I have a lot of pain, mind you."

* * *

"Oh, shoot!" Hermione said once she and Ron were halfway to the castle.

"What is it?" Ron asked.

"I forgot my jacket on the bleachers. I better go back and get it."

"Want me to come with you?"

"No, you better go on. You do have a potions test tomorrow and I’m sure you still haven’t studied for it!"

Ron scowled, but nodded. "All right."

Hermione jogged back to the Quidditch field. She was prepared to find her jacket on the bleachers, but she wasn’t prepared to find Ginny and Harry sitting on the bleachers too. Snogging each other.

She gave out an audible squeak and the two of them jumped apart, their faces red from being caught.

"Hermione!" hissed Ginny. "What are you doing here?"

"What am I doing here?" cried Hermione. "I came to get my jacket. "What are you two doing? Are you together?"

"Er," said Harry, not sure what to say.

"Hermione, you cannot tell Ron or my other brothers what you just saw," Ginny pleaded. "You promise not to tell them? Swear it!"

Hermione’s hazel eyes widened. "You mean Ron doesn’t know?"

"Actually nobody knows," Harry said. "Except you now."

"How long has this been going on?"

"Since the Christmas holidays," Ginny replied.

Hermione gave her a disapproving look as she put her hands on her hips. "Virginia Weasley! How could you keep a secret like this from your brother?"

"Because if Ron knew, he would beat the living shit out of Harry," Ginny replied as though this was the most obvious thing in the world.

Harry blanched.

"Oh, you’re being unreasonable. He would not!"

"He would too!"

"Would not!"

"Would too!"

"Would not!"

Harry felt as though he were about to get a very big headache. He interrupted the squabbling girls. "Listen, Ginny plans on telling Ron and her other brothers when the time is right – whenever that will be."

Ginny just shrugged. "I haven’t really thought of what I’m gong to say to them."

"You better say something soon or one of them might catch you like I did," rationed Hermione.

"I will, I promise," Ginny said. "Just don’t tell him about us, okay?"

Hermione sighed. "Fine. Your secret’s safe with me."

"Thanks, Mione."

* * *

The next weekend Harry woke up with butterflies in his stomach. This evening his team would be playing against Slytherin. They had to win this match, they just HAD to! They had won the matches against Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw. If they beat the Slytherins, then they would be a shoo-in to win the House Cup.

By breakfast he had even more butterflies, especially after the news Ginny had supplied him with. He had been sitting at breakfast, when she slipped in the seat next to him, a smile on her face. Her brother and Hermione sat across from them, making goo goo eyes at each other.

"I’ve decided to tell them today!" she whispered excitedly to him.

"Tell who what?" Harry was very distracted because he had been mentally going over the game play for tonight.

Ginny gave him an exasperated look. "Who do you think? My brothers! I’ve decided I’m going to tell them about us today."

"Today!" Harry’s face went ashen. "Why today? He suddenly got a mental image of playing Quidditch this evening, with Ron, Fred, and George trying to knock him off his broom fifty feet up in the air. He gulped.

"Well, you’re the one who kept pushing me to tell them, right?"

"I wasn’t pushing you! And anyway, why of all days did you have to pick today to tell them?"

"What’s wrong with today?"

"Well, I don’t want your brothers to kill me when we’re playing against Slytherin tonight!"

"Oh, that." Ginny waved her hand in an offish manner. "Don’t be ridiculous, of course they’re not going to try to kill you! You’re their seeker! They need you! Without you they can’t win the game. If anything, they’ll just direct their anger towards Malfoy and the rest of the Slytherin team."

"Um, okay....." Harry sounded uncertain.

"What are you so worried about? You said my brothers wouldn’t have a problem with you dating me."

"That was before you kept saying that wasn’t true and I don’t think they’re going to be too thrilled with us dating in secret for two months now!"

"Don’t worry, I have everything under control."

"So when exactly are you going to tell them?"

"Later this afternoon, after my classes."

* * *

"Uh, can I talk to you three?" Ginny asked her brothers later that afternoon. They were all in the Common Room along with Harry and Hermione.

"Sure, what’s up?" asked George.

"Not here. In private."

Her brothers looked at each other and shrugged.

"We can go up to my room," suggested Ron. "I don’t think anybody’s there."

Harry watched as the four redheads walked upstairs, his stomach beginning to sickly churn.

Hermione leaned in towards Harry. "Is she going to tell them?"

"Yes."

* * *

Dean Thomas was in the room when the Weasleys came in.

"Outta the way, Thomas," said George. "We’ve got some family business to attend to."

"Hey, what’s she doing here? She can’t be in here! She’s a girl!"

"She’s not a girl, she’s our sister," said Ron.

Ginny rolled her eyes as Dean exited his room.

"So what’s up, Gin?" Fred asked her.

"Um..." she began, uncertainly.

"Oh no, you haven’t been writing in any enchanted diaries, have you?" Ron asked, fear in his voice.

"No!" she exclaimed. "I’m not stupid, you know."

"Well, what is it?" asked George.

She took a deep breath. "All right. This isn’t very easy for me to say, but I have a boyfriend."

At the same time she got three very different reactions from her brothers.

Ron’s jaw dropped open. "How can you have a boyfriend? You’re too young!"

George gave her a condescending look. "And how long has this been going on, young lady?" he asked in a mocking tone.

Fred winked at her. "So, who’s the lucky fellow? Hmmmm?"

"Ron, I am not too young! You’re a year older than I am and you have a girlfriend! I’ve been seeing him for two months."

"Two months!" exclaimed Ron. "You mean, you and some git have been dating behind our backs for two months? Who is this idiot? I’m swear to Merlin, I’m gonna kill him!"

"Oh, Ron, calm down!" Ginny said in an irritated tone. "The reason I haven’t told you about this yet is because it’s –"

"Oh no!" cried Ron. "No! This can’t be happening. You’re dating Malfoy, aren’t you?" He said Malfoy’s name as though he was drinking from a bottle of poison.

"No! I’m not dating Malfoy!"

"Is it another Slytherin?" asked Fred.

"No, he’s in Gryffindor."

"Ah, a fellow Gryffindor," said George. "So who is it? Oh, I bet you I know. It’s that guy with the wavy hair in your year, right?"

"No. It’s uh, it’s Harry."

She thought Ron was going to kneel over and die. "What!?" he exclaimed. "Harry as in my best mate, Harry?"

"I think you mean, Harry as in your ex-best mate Harry," George said and Fred laughed.

Ron glared at them. "Shut up you two." He turned his attention back to his sister. "So what I’m hearing is that my little sister and my best mate have been seeing each other in secret for the past two months? How the hell could you keep that a secret for so long? How the hell could he have?"

"Ron, he wanted to tell you, but I wouldn’t let him. It was my faulty for waiting for so long to tell you. I just knew you were going to act like this, I just knew it!" Now Ginny was screaming too.

"Well, how else did you expect me to act? Like everything was peaches and buttercups? Oh yes, I’m so thrilled my sister and best friend are snogging each other!" Ron said sarcastically as he did a fake dance of joy.

George snorted. "Peaches and buttercups! Hey, Ginny, that’s what you and Harry can name your children!"

Ron and Ginny glared at him. "SHUT UP!" they said in unison.

"Ron, you are such a stupid git," Ginny seethed.

"Hold on, I’m going to get Harry. I think he should join this lovely conversation, don’t you?" Ron went out into the hall to yell for Harry.

* * *

Harry had been sitting quietly in the Common Room with Hermione when he heard Ron bellow his name. He sounded very angry.

Harry gulped. "Uh oh. I better get up there."

Hermione gave him a sympathetic look. "Don’t worry, I don’t think Ron will try to kill you. At least, I hope not."

It only took Harry about fifteen seconds to reach his room, but it felt like an eternity as he walked up the stairs. He felt like he was going to his own funeral... which he probably would be in just a few moments.

When he entered the room, he saw that Ron was the only one who looked furious. The twins looked amused and Ginny was rolling her eyes.

"So," he said glaring at him. "It has been brought to my attention that you have been snogging my little sister for the past two months."

"Oh, honestly Ron!" Ginny muttered.

Harry felt uncomfortable, and he was sure he rather looked it too. "Um..."

"I forbid you to see him anymore!" Ron said, turning his attention once again to his sister.

"You can’t tell me what to do!" she cried. "You aren’t Mum or Dad!"

"Then I will make sure that Mum and Dad will see to it to forbid you from seeing Harry!"

Fred snorted. "Oh yeah, right, Ron. It’s, like, only Mum’s dream to have Ginny marry Harry. She thinks of him as her seventh son anyway."

Harry flushed a little at the prospects of being married.

"Then Dad will have to talk some sense into her."

This time George laughed. "Are you kidding me? Dad would be even happier than Mum. Harry’s grew up with Muggles. You know how Dad loves learning about Muggles. Remember how elated he was when he found out Percy was marrying Penelope. I heard he’s so excited because they’re going to have a traditional Muggle wedding."

Ron was seething now. "Well, I’ll find a way to keep you two apart if it’s the last thing I do!"

"Oh, you are so despicable!" Ginny cried. "I just hate you!"

"You’ll thank me later!" Ron called after her as she ran out of the room. He narrowed his eyes at Harry. "And we’ll talk more about this later as well, but we have a match to get ready for."

Harry gulped, making a mental note to watch out for Ron as well as the bludgers for tonight’s game.

* * *

There wasn’t a single empty seat at the Quidditch stadium that evening. Everybody wanted to be there for the big game. If Harry had felt nervous this morning, he now felt ten times more so as he got ready for the game in the locker room. And it didn’t help that Ron kept shooting him death stares.

"Hey, Harry, aren’t you going to give us a little pep talk?" Katie asked.

"Oh, yeah, right." He went over and stood in the middle of the room. "This is a very important game and we really need to win tonight. Winning this game means we’re practically ensured the House Cup. Now I know we can do it. We have a great team. We have three wonderful Chasers –"

"Honestly, Harry," Angelina said, cutting him off as she rolled her eyes. "You really need to get new speech material. You keep saying the same old shit."

"Sorry!" he hissed. "But I’m not exactly the best at making impromptu speeches!"

"But you’re pretty good at keeping secrets!" Ron spat out.

"Oh, would you shut up, Ron?" said George, as a look of irritation crossed his face.

By now the whole school knew Harry and Ginny were dating and that Ron was pissed off at Harry. Of course, this made Draco thrilled.

"All right, everyone, just play your best tonight," Harry said for his last words, thinking they probably literally WOULD be his last words.

* * *

Meanwhile, out on the field the Gryffindor cheerleaders had met with the Slytherin ones. Pansy was smiling smugly because her Madonna singing curse had finally gone away.

"Your team is going down, Brown," she said superciliously. "In both Quidditch AND cheerleading. My cheerleaders have been practicing twenty four/seven. We’re going to awe the crowd. What do you have besides a few puny jumps and somersaults?"

"Shows how much you know, Parkinson!" Lavender spat. "Everybody knows that the Gryffindors have the best cheerleading team. We’re going to bring the best routine this evening to the crowd. It’s going to be a great show."

"Oh yeah?" challenged Pansy. "Well, bring it on!"

"Oh, it’s already been brough-tan," Lavender replied as she waved her finger in Pansy’s face.

"Don’t wave your finger in front of my face, you bitch!" Pansy snapped.

"I’ll do whatever I please, you whore!" Lavender snapped back.

"Tramp!"

"Whatever! At least, I’m not ugly like you, you pug-faced slut. U.G.L.Y. You ain’t got no alibi, you ugly! Hey, hey! You ugly!"

Pansy fumed. "Am not!"

Miranda groaned. "Oh, great here we go again.

They heard a whistle blow indicating the teams were to be on the field.

* * *

The seven Gryffindor players marched out onto the field with brooms in hand as the Slytherin team came marching in from the opposite direction. Madame Hooch stood in the middle with the box containing the Quidditch balls. Harry could hear noises all around him as people yelled and cheered for their favorite team to win. In the Gryffindor section, his fellow House members waved red and gold flags and some were even wearing lion foam hats. In the corner of his eye, he saw the cheerleaders rooting on for their team and he tried to control a laugh when he saw Mervin trying to do a cartwheel, but ended up falling flat on his ass.

The crowd silenced when Dumbledore stood up from his throne. (Being the headmaster, he had the best seat in the house). "Welcome everybody to the Gryffindor versus Slytherin game!" he announced as everyone whooped and hollered. "Will everyone please rise for the Gryffindor House song?"

The crowd stood and faced the red and gold flag with the massive lion printed on it. Harry and his other teammates put their hands over their heart as they faced the flag and started to sing. The Gryffindors sang the loudest, of course and Harry was positive the Slytherins weren’t even bothering to lip-synch to the song. They just stared at the Gryffindor flag with stony looks on their faces.

"Now please rise for the Slytherin House song," Dumbledore said as the students now directed their attention to the green and silver flag embroidered with a silver serpent.

"And now it’s time to play ball!" Madame hooch announced after the song was finished. "Players, mount your brooms!" The fourteen players hopped onto their brooms and got into position. Hooch released the balls and the game began.

"And they’re off!" Lee Jordan cried, beginning his duties as commentator. "Ladies and gentlemen, it’s the biggest game of the year, Gryffindor versus Slytherin, and I think it’s no contest who’s going to win. Gryffindor has this game in the bag, uh huh. Oh yeah, we are so going to kick Slytherin asses!"

"Jordan!" McGonagall exclaimed as his words were met by booing from the Slytherins.

"Gryffindors," Lee continued in his best announcer voice. "Before they were a team, they were individuals. Before they were legends, they were heroes. Harry Potter: the Muggle who became a wizard. The wizard who became the best Quidditch Seeker in over one hundred years. Striking story!"

McGonagall rolled her eyes and shook her head, but smiled all the same.

"Oh, yes! Johnson just scored! Way to go, Gryffindors! The Gryffindors are already off to a fabulous start. Hahaha, that’s my boys! Fred and George nearly de-broomed two Slytherin Chasers with the bludgers. I don’t know their names, so we’ll just call them Ugly and Smelly."

"I’m warning you, Jordan," McGonagall said menacing.

"You’re no fun, Professor," Lee mumbled. He resumed back to his commentary. "Potter seems to be keeping an eye out for the Snitch as well as keeping out of the reign of fire from his best mate, Ron Weasley. Or should I say EX best mate? You see, ladies and gentlemen, our favorite redheaded, hot tempered Weasley brother just found out today that Harry has been secretly snogging his younger sister – who’s a Gryffindor cheerleader. So now Harry has to watch our for the Snitch, bludgers, AND Ron Weasley!"

"Jordan, please, it isn’t necessary to pry into people’s private lives." McGonagall frowned.

But Lee ignored her as one of the Slytherin Chasers scored a point for their House. "Oh crap! The Slytherins just scored. Bummer! But fear not, folks! We’re still winning this game! The score is now 30-10, in favor of the best House at the school."

Seeing their house had finally scored, the Slytherin cheerleaders burst into their victory cheer. "We’re green! We’re mean! We’re smoking! We tite! We aite! We’re scoring all night! We’ve got Mervin on our team, oh yeah! We’re awesome! We’re cool! We way down with old school! Uh huh! Uh huh! Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh!"

The Gryffindors along with the other two Houses sniggered at their little cheer, but laughed even louder when Mervin attempted to do a flip, but failed miserably when he landed on his head and broke his glasses.

"All right, I’m back with a special guest," Lee said. "Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Gryffindors very own Hermione Granger!"

"Lee!" Hermione hissed. "Why did you bring me up here? You know I know nothing about Quidditch!"

"Come now, Hermione. Surely that can’t be true with you being the cleverest witch at the school and having your boyfriend and two of his brothers and your best friend on the team. You must know SOMETHING about the game!"

"Well, I know Harry has to catch that little flying thing with wings, then the game ends," Hermione said.

"Yes, the Snitch!" cried Lee. "I haven’t seen any sign of the Snitch yet, have you?"

"No."

"So let me get your opinion on the Potter-Weasley fight. Do you think Ron is entitled to be hacked off at Harry?"

"Uh...shouldn’t we be talking about Quidditch?" Hermione said catching the evil eye of McGonagall.

"Yeah, sure. But first, let me ask you something: did you know anything about Harry and Ginny? Because there are rumors going around-"

"Rumors!" cried Hermione. "This just got out like two hours ago!"

Lee shrugged. "Hey, we’re wizards and witches. We have the power to circulate anything through this school in a mere matter of minutes."

Hermione sighed. "Look, I’d rather not talk about my friend’s personal lives in front of the whole school, okay?"

"Yes! Bell scores two in a row!" cried Lee. "Yippe-ki-yay, you Slytherin motherfu-"

"JORDAN, DON’T YOU DARE SAY IT!" McGonagall screamed.

Lee cowered. "Sorry, Professor. Got a little carried away. Oh, wait! I see it! I see the Snitch! And it looks like Potter does too! There he goes, with that dang prat, Malfoy, right on his heels. GET IT HARRY! DON’T LET THAT BLONDE GREASEBALL WIN THE GAME! YOU CAN DO IT!"

Harry had his hand stretched out ready to grab the Snitch. He could sense that Malfoy was right behind him. He urged his broom to go faster...just a little more...come on! There! He had it! He was holding the snitch in his hand!

"And Gryffindor wins the game!" Lee cried out as the other house members screamed and cheered.