I’m Not a Muggle Not Yet a Wizard

I’m Not a Muggle Not Yet a Wizard

By Mariposa

Chapter six

Snape was getting irritated with Crunk. He kept drinking glass of butterbeer after glass of butterbeer and was babbling incoherently about something.

"What the hell do you think you’re doing?" Snape snapped as Crunk started to run his hand up and down Snape’s arm. He slapped his hand away, but Crunk didn’t seem to be fazed.

"Has anyone ever told you how sexy you look under this soft light?"

Snape stared at him. "Excuse me?"

Crunk leaned in and whispered in his ear, butterbeer heavy on his breath, "I want you now. I want to make love to you right now."

Snape pushed him off. "You’re drunk off your ass! Get a hold of yourself!" He quickly swung his cape around and stormed off.

* * * * *

Ginny followed Draco down the dark corridors of the musty dungeon as he led her by the hand. She had had a little too much butterbeer and was giggling uncontrollably.

"Where are we going, Drackie?" She burst out laughing as if that were the funniest thing.

Draco winced. He hated that stupid childish nickname. "Let’s stop here," he said, leaned Ginny against the stone wall.

"You’re probably what a place like me is doing in a girl like this – oh, hell, what am I saying?" She flung her arms around him. "Kiss me!"

Draco started to lean in, but Ginny stopped him. "Let me take off my mask." Ginny pulled off her mask and let her hair fall down in ringlets. She then leaned in and kissed him.

"You know," said Draco. "You’re not a half bad kisser. I should offer your brothers one million galleons for you to spend one night with me."

"Oh no," Ginny laughed. "You’re not getting anything from me. I’m priceless!" And with that she leaned in to kiss him again.

* * * * *

Harry was walking down the dungeon corridors. Ron had told him to come down here to see if he could find Ginny or Malfoy. Ron had gone up to check the Astronomy Tower because that was a famous snogging place. Hermione stayed at the dance in case Ginny came back.

Harry could hear some giggling in the distance and walked faster. He was just about to round the corner when the noise became louder. He heard snogging noises! He quietly peered around the corner and could see two people snogging. A fiery redhead and a silvery blonde. Ginny and Malfoy. The site of them kissing made him sick. He was about to go over and confront them when Ginny pulled away from Malfoy. Obviously kissing Malfoy made her sick as well because she did not look at all good. Her face was all pale and washed out.

"Ohhh," she said in a moaning voice, "I don’t’ feel so good."

Draco quickly turned Ginny around (he didn’t want her puking on his silk Armani shirt after all!) and she threw up on the floor.

"Oh dear, we had a little too much butterbeer, didn’t we?" Draco said as he pointed his wand at the mess to clean it up.

Ginny slid down the wall and passed out on the floor. Draco stared at her for a moment, unsure of what to do. He was about to bend over and pick her up when he heard footsteps behind him.

"Potter!" he cried whirling around. "What are you doing here?"

"I think I should be the one asking you that same question," Harry replied icily, his eyes locked pointedly at Ginny. "That’s really mature, Malfoy. Getting a young girl drunk so you can take advantage of her."

"She drank all those butterbeers on her own free will!" Draco snapped. "And I wasn’t going to take advantage of her."

Harry gave him a I-don’t-believe-you look. "Get out of here Malfoy!" he snapped.

Draco scowled at him and walked away. Harry picked up Ginny’s light frame and took her to the hospital wing.

"She had a little too much to drink at the party," he told Madame Pomfrey.

"Oh dear," the nurse clucked. "Thanks for bringing her here."

* * * * *

"Did you find her?" Ron asked anxiously when Harry returned to the Great Hall.

"Yeah, Malfoy got her drunk so I took her to the hospital wing." Harry told him everything, leaving out the part of the kiss. Ron was already steamed as it was.

"I’ll kill that bastard!"

"Can I have your attention please?" They turned around to see Dumbledore speaking. "It is now time to announce the winner of the best costume award and what their prize will be."

The Great Hall hushed, as everyone eagerly awaited to see whom the winner would be. Fred and George grinned at each other. Dumbledore held up an envelope.

"And the winner of the best costume award is-" he opened the envelope and took out a piece of paper, "Ron Weasley for his Indiana Jones costume."

Everyone applauded.

"All right Ronnie!" George called out.

"Your prize is a free dinner for four at the Three Broomsticks in Hogsmeade next weekend," Dumbledore said as Ron walked up to accept the gift certificate. "Congratulations."

* * * * *

"You know, Ron, I’ve had a really great time tonight," Hermione told her date right before they were ready to head into the Gryffindor Common Room. "I never knew you were such a great dancer."

"Great dancer?" Ron laughed. "You’re much too nice, Hermione. I have two left feet!"

Hermione smiled. "Well, you didn’t step on my feet once, so that makes you a good dancer in my book." She looked up at Ron who had his arms wrapped around her. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Like what?" He started to lean in closer.

"Like you’re about to ki-" And at that moment Ron kissed Hermione.

(Everyone on three now: one, two, three: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW)

It was the most passionate and tender kiss and it made Hermione melt in his arms.

* * * * *

Everyone had had such a great time at the party that they weren’t ready to go back to class the following Monday. Hermione was sitting between Harry and Ron in Professor Binn’s class. She was the only one in the class who was paying attention and taking notes. To the right of her, Harry had his arms folded on the desk and his head buried in them. His glasses sat near the top of the desk. To the left of her Ron had his head on the desk and was facing her. There was a string of drool coming out of his mouth.

Oh, that’s attractive, she thought. On second thought, it kinda was.

She noticed that Parvarti and Lavender were exchanging notes with each other and Neville was staring out the window and Dean and Seamus were also asleep. Hermione shook her head. Didn’t they care about their studies?

Professor Binns kept droning on about something and Hermione took notes even though she was getting a tad bored and soon founder herself daydreaming about the kiss she and Ron had shared the night before.

* * * * *

Instead of Professor Crunk, the fifth year students saw Professor Snape in their Intimate Relations class. He did not look happy.

"Professor Dumbledore asked me to substitute this class since your regular teacher got pissed drunk from the Halloween party and still has a hangover."

"This should be interesting," Ron whispered to Harry. "Snape teaching us sex ed? Has Snape even had sex?"

Harry had to clamp a hand over his mouth to keep from laughing out loud, but Snape had already heard them.

"Ten points from Gryffindor for talking in class!" he barked. He looked down at the notes. "It looks like you’ve been doing some role playing. Potter, Malfoy, get down here."

Harry and Draco slowly approached the front of the classroom.

"Okay, let’s have you two role play friends who are discussing contraceptives. Draco, you’re going to show Harry how to use a condom." Snape’s mouth twisted into a smirk.

The two boys stared at Snape in horror.

"You want us to pretend we’re friends!" Harry stuttered. "Furthermore, you want us to pretend we’re friends talking about sex?"

Draco looked absolutely horrified. "But I don’t know how to put on a condom. What is that anyway?"

"Didn’t you read chapter seven?" an exasperated Hermione asked. "They talk about all the different contraceptives."

"What the hell is a contraceptive?" Draco demanded.

"It’s what the Muggles use to have safe sex," said Harry.

"Okay, you can switch roles," Snape said. "Potter, you tell Malfoy how to put on a condom."

Harry wanted to tell him he’d rather jump into a pool of lava naked, but he didn’t want to cause Gryffindor to lose any more points.

"Begin," said Snape.

Harry and Draco glared at each other.

"Hey pal, can you show me how to use a condom since you’re so experienced," Draco said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Gee, pal," Harry replied just as sardonically, "you’re not planning on sleeping around with a girl, are you?"

Draco glared at him. "I just want you to tell me how use a condom."

"If I were you, I’d keep my slimy hands off of Gi- off of other girls"

"What kind of game are you playing, Potter?" Draco hissed in a low voice so only Harry could hear him.

"You two are getting off the subject!" Snape snapped.

Britney raised her hand. "Professo' Snape, ah c'd larn Harry an' Draco how t'use a corndom, dawgone it. I've had lotsa prackice wif mah fella Jestin, as enny fool kin plainly see."

Snape just stared at her. "What the hell did you say?"

The whole class sniggered.

The bell rang and Snape looked relieved.

"Saved by the bell, huh Harry?" Ron said as the Trio left the class.

"I used to love that show!" Hermione exclaimed.

"Huh?" said Ron. "What show?"

"So Ron, do you know who you’ll be inviting to the Three Broomsticks?" Harry asked.

"Well you and Hermione, of course," said Ron as he kissed his girlfriend on the top of her head. "That still leaves room for one more. Is there anyone you’d like to invite, Harry? Still got your eye on that Ravenclaw Seeker?"

"Uh.." The truth was he had gotten over his crush on Cho Chang and now he had his eye on someone else. He couldn’t tell Ron this, especially since that someone else was his sister.

"Well, I’ll think of somebody to invite before the weekend," said Ron.

* * * * *

"Oh Voldie." The Dark Lord rolled his eyes when he his lover say his in a singsong voice.

"Voldie, what are we going to do tonight?"

"The same thing we do every night, Michael. Try to take over the world!"

"After we have sex, of course."

"Of course. So Michael, do you know what movie you’ll be making next to torture the Muggle population?"

Michael grinned evilly. "As a matter of fact, I do. I’m thinking of making a real sap fest. It’s going to be a love triangle between two men and a woman. She’s going to fall in love with one of the fellow. But then he’s going to die and the other fellow will fall for her."

"It sounds puke inducing all ready," said Voldemort. "Tell me, how does the young man die?"

"Well, everyone THINKS he’s dead, but he’s not. And by the time the girl finds out, she’s pregnant with his best friend’s baby."

"That sounds like one of those cheesy Muggle TV shows, a soap opera," Voldemort said gleefully.

"But that’s not the best part."

"It’s not?"

"It’s going to be set during the events of Pearl Harbor and will filled with so much sappy American patriotism, that even the leader of the Free World will hate it."

Voldemort laughed evilly. "And you’re going to find actors to be in this piece of garbage?"

"They’ll be sucky actors," sneered Michael. "I think I’ll offer the lead to Ben Affleck. He’s my bitch, you know."

Voldemort looked hurt. "I thought I was your bitch!"

"Of course you are, Voldie! But Ben is my bitch when I’m making movies. I already have him cast in my next movie, Armaggedon. You know, the movie I told you where a comet the size of Texas destroys earth."

Voldemort sniggered. "The one where he eats animal crackers off his girlfriend?"

"That’s the one. Sounds like a real shit loser, doesn’t it?"

"Oh, Michael, that’s why I love you so much!"

* * * * *

Harry found out the third person Ron invited just moments before they were headed to the Three Broomsticks.

"Britney Spears!" he exclaimed. "Why the hell are you inviting that tramp?

"Fred and George want to play a prank on her," Ron said calmly. "They found a piece of her boyfriend’s hair and Fred’s gonna use Polyjuice Potion to turn into him and they need her out of the castle while they’re doing it."

"Her boyfriend?" said Harry. "You mean Justin Timberlake?" (He was very ashamed he knew this).

Ron shrugged. "How should I know? Fred and George found her scrapbook and in one of the pages was a hair that said, "My boyfriend’s hair." Actually, she spelled boyfriend wrong, but that’s beside the point."

"Are you sure that’s hair from his head?" Harry joked.

"Eww! That’s sick!" Ron looked disgusted.

Harry laughed. "I’m just joking."

* * * * *

When they arrived at the Three Broomsticks they were shown to a booth. Ron and Hermione sat on one side snuggling close together while Harry and Britney sat across from them, Harry sitting as far away from her as he could.

A waitress came over to take their drink orders. She smiled when she saw them. "Ah, here on a double date, are we?"

"No!" Harry said quickly. "This is my cousin. We’re not on a date!"

"So what can I get you to drink?" she asked, ignoring Harry’s outburst.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione ordered pumpkin juice.

"D’ya haf Pepsi?" asked Britney.

The waitress blinked. "Pepsi?"

"Yeah. Ah’s a spokeswoomin fo’ Pepsi."

"They don’t have Pepsi here," Harry said.

Britney looked shocked. "No Pepsi! Well then. D’ya haf Coke? Sprite? Seven Up? Dr. Pepper?"

The waitress shook her head, even more confused.

"D’ya haf water?"

"That we have."

"This hyar is an odd place, y’all, ah reckon," said Britney as the waitress left to get their drinks. "Ah knows they haf Pepsi in Englan’ because I’ve o’dered one in London befo’e."

"Look, get over it, okay," snapped Hermione. "They don’t serve soft drinks here."

The waitress came back with their drinks and took their meal orders.

"This hyar is a nice li’l town, as enny fool kin plainly see," said Birntey. "Whut in tarnation’s it called agin?"

"Hogsmeade," said Harry.

"Do they haf a Bath and Body Works hyar? Ah jest love thet sto’e. Mah favo’ite scent is Vanilla Bean. Ah need t’git some mo’e Vanilla Bean loshun. Ah’s runnin’ out."

Ron looked baffled. "The Bath and Body Works? What is that?"

Hermione giggled. "Oh, Ron. You’re such a guy. And no, they don’t have a Bath and Body Works here." She whispered to Ron what that store was and they soon stared necking.

Harry nearly jumped out of his seat when Britney scooted closer to him. She batted her eyes at him.

"W-what are you doing?" he asked edging away until he was at the very edge of the seat.

Britney nodded at Ron and Hermione. "What do yo’ say we haf our own fun?"

"Are you kidding!" Harry hissed. "We’re cousins!"

"Haven’t yo’ evah heard of kissin’ cousins? Besides it’s puffickly no’mal fo’ cousins t’marry up wif whar ah come fum."

This girl really was a slut! First she was cheating on Justin with Mervin and now she was trying to suck face with him.

Britney leaned closer and Harry fell out of his seat making Ron and Hermione look up.

"Are you all right there, Harry?" Ron asked.

Harry glared at Britney. "Yeah, I’m fine." He got up and brushed himself off.

The waitress came back with their food and they dug in.

* * * * *

"So how do I look?" Fred asked as he stepped into the Common Room.

Angelina giggled. "Just like Justin Timberlake!"

"You have a fro!" George cried.

"Why don’t you sing us a little Bye Bye Bye?" suggested Alicia giggling.

Lee ran into the room. "They’re coming!" he cried.

"Places everyone!" said George

He, Angelina, Alicia, and Lee sat on the couch and Fred hid behind a heavy maroon curtain. A few moments later the entrance opened and the Trio and Britney stepped inside.

"Britney! We have a surprise for you!" George said, trying not to laugh.

"A surprise? Fo’ me?"

At that moment, Fred stepped out from behind the curtain.

"Jestin!" she cried running over to hug him. She started to kiss him and Fred tried not to look sick. "Wut is yo’ doing hyar?"

"Well, baby, I couldn’t live another day without you, so I came to visit you."

"Oh, Jestin!" Britney sighed. "Less hoof it upstairs so yo’ kin make me a woomin."

A look of panic crossed over Fred’s face. "Uh, sorry babe. But I can only stay for a few minutes. I gotta go soon. And remember, you’re not a girl, not yet a woman."

"But Jestin, yo’ jest got hyar!" Britney protested.

"Well, I’m not supposed to be here. I’m supposed to be doing a video with the other guys."

"How are the other lads?"

"Oh, you know…we’ve still got that Backstreet Boys beat."

"Backstreet Boys?" Britney looked confused.

Fred could see Angelina shaking her head furiously behind Britney. Damn! He was always mixing these boybands up.

"Oh, I’m just joking, Sugarplum. You know I mean 98 Degrees."

"Oh, shit," Angelina mumbled. "This isn’t going well."

The look on Britney’s face told Fred he was wrong again.

"Dream Street! That’s it! That’s the band I’m in…"

"Jestin, are yo’ okay, honey pie?"

Harry gave out a loud cough that sounded a lot like "N’Sync."

"N’Sync! That’s it! That’s the band I’m in. Okay, gotta go." He kissed a dazed Britney and ran off.

Britney looked disappointed. "Oh durn! Fry mah hide! Now ah’s all ho’ny. Ah’s gonna find Mervin so he kin satisfy mah needs."

She left leaving the others to burst into laughter.

"Is she gone?" Fred asked appearing back into the room. He had now resumed his regular form.

Angelina threw a pillow at him. "Fred, you idiot! I thought you knew it was N’Sync!" She was laughing.

"It’s not my fault that the Muggles have so many damn boybands!"

George’s eyes lit up. "We should start the first wizard boyband. Ron, Harry, what do you say?"

"Er, no thanks," said Harry. "I’ve already got enough people fawning over me as it is."

"Boybands are nothing but manufactured puppets," Hermione said huffily. "They are a disgrace to our society."

"Why the hell are we talking about boybands?" said Harry. "We have a Quidditch match tomorrow. We should be out practicing!"

* * * * *

"This is it," Harry said to his fellow Quidditch team. "Our first game of the year. In a few minutes we’ll be playing against Ravenclaw. Now I know they have a great team, but you know what? We’re even better."

"Hell yeah!" cried George.

"In fact," Harry continued with vibrant energy, "We are the best Quidditch team at Hogswarts. We have three wonderful Chasers."

Angelina, Alicia and Katie smiled.

"Two beater who will stop at nothing. Anyone who gets in their path will be sorry."

The twins high-fived each other.

"And even though Oliver Wood was one of a kind, we have a WONDERFUL new Keeper."

Ron beamed proudly.

"And then we have me. Not to sound conceited or anything, but we all know I’m the best Seeker Hogswarts seen in years."

"You speak the truth!" said Ron.

"So we’re going to go out there and rip them apart. We’re going to show everyone that we ARE the best Quidditch team here. King Kong ain’t got shit on us!"

His fellow teammates erupted into applauds and cheers.

"Let’s do it!" yelled Fred.

* * * * *

TWO HOURS LATER

"We won, we won!" cried Katie as the Gryffindor team walked back into the locker room.

Harry grinned. "I told you we would!"

"We are the champions, my friends!" Angelina started to sing, "and we’ll keep on fighting till the end."

"Well, I’m glad this isn’t a cocky team," Ron joked.