I’m Not a Muggle Not Yet a Wizard

Some of this story is comedy and some of it’s more serious, but I hope you all enjoy it!

I’m Not a Muggle Not Yet a Wizard

By Mariposa

Chapter 4

 

 

The next day was the day of Quidditch tryouts. Hermione and Ginny had come to give Ron moral support, although he certainly didn’t need it. There weren’t many Gryffindors trying out for Keeper and Ron was the best anyway so he made the team. Plus it didn’t hurt that two of his brothers and his best friend were on the team.

"So have you guys decided who’s going to be the new Gryffindor team captain?" asked Oliver Wood. He had kept his word and had come down to watch the tryouts."Oh, by the way, congratulations on making the team, Ron. With three Weasleys on the team, the Gryffindor Quidditch team will surely keep the legacy!"

"Thanks," said Ron.

Harry, Fred, George, Alicia, Katie and Angelina all looked at each other. They hadn’t given thought to who should be the new captain.

"I think it should be Harry," said George. "After all, the rest of us are going to graduate this year. Harry will still be here for another two years."

Oliver grinned. "I think Harry would make a fine captain."

"All those in favor of Harry being captain say aye," said Fred.

There was a chorus of six "ayes."

Harry grinned. He was the new Gryffindor Quidditch captain!

Meanwhile, Mervin Crunk was trying out for the Slytherin team. Draco, who was now the team captain, frowned at Mervin’s clumsiness as he tripped over a bludger lying on the ground to get to a broom.

Hermione and Ginny were also watching and burst out laughing when Mervin sat on the broom. But the poor broom couldn’t take his immense weight and snapped in two.

Draco glared at him and pointed his wand at the broom. "Reparo!"

Mervin turned his head in the direction of the laughing. Hermione and Ginny quickly stopped themselves and looked around innocently.

* * * * *

The fifth year students were in their Intimate Relations class. A large man who looked to be 300 pounds with glasses walked in.

"Hello class. I am Professor Pervin Crunk and I will be teaching Intimate Relations this year."

"Dad! Look!" exclaimed Mervin. "I got the new issue of Play Wizard with that babe from Moat Watch on the cover!"

Professor Crunk chuckled. "That’s my boy!"

Hermione rolled her eyes.

"Now you all are fifteen, almost sixteen years old and I’m sure you’ve been getting some, uh, indecent thoughts time and again."

"You know I have Dad!" Mervin once again interrupted. "Remember you told me I was a man the first time I had a naughty dream about a girl and for the special occasion you let me watch Merlin Gets It On and Temptation Castle."

"Ewww!" shrieked Hermione.

"Now class, I know you may be embarrassed by some of the content in this class, but please don't be. I want to introduce you to somebody." The students (except for Mervin) watched in horror as Mr. Crunk reached into his desk drawer and pulled out a puppet of a giant black hat. "Class, this is Monsieur Chapeau. Say hello to Monsieur Chapeau."

Nobody spoke.

"Say hello to Monsieur Chapeau, damnit!"

"Hello, Monsieur Chapeau Hat," the class chorused.

"Now Monsieur Chapeau Hat wants everyone to know that anyone can talk to him about anything. He will not let any of you be embarrassed by any questions about sex and intimate relations you may have."

"Damn, Mervin’s dad is a few peanuts short of a nuthouse," Ron whispered to Harry.

"Well, with a name like Pervin, you’d have to be," Harry whispered back.

"Ahem. Is there something you two boys would like to share with the class?" Professor Crunk glared at Ron and Harry.

"No, sir," said Ron just as Harry said, "Er, no."

"Okay. For our first lesson, we’re going to do some role playing," Professor Crunk told his class. He changed his voice to a squeaky tone and moved his hand where Monsieur Chapeau sat. "That’s right, Professor Crunk. Role playing is fun!"

"Dear God he really is insane," Ron whispered to Harry.

Harry nodded and replied, "And it looks like the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree." He nodded in Mervin’s direction."

"Okay," said Professor Crunk. "Mervin, you come up here, and Hermione you too."

Hermione groaned. "You made your dad pick me!" she hissed at Mervin who just grinned.

"Monsieur Chapeau, tell them what they’re going to role play." (Squeaky voice): "Okay, Professor Crunk. Mervin and Hermione will be role playing two people on a date who will be discussing whether or not they’re ready for sex."

The whole class roared with laughter. Hermione glared at Ron and Harry who immediately stopped.

"Where am I? Is this hell?" she muttered pathetically.

"Oh, this is going to be good," Draco said as he sat back in his seat in a more comfortable position.

"Okay, begin," said Professor Crunk.

Mervin took Hermione’s hand and she shuddered.

"Hermione, my dear, my sweet, my one and only, I think we are ready to take our relationship to the next step."

"What do you mean?" Hermione asked with a stiff, monotone voice.

"I want to make sweet love to you all night long under the soft moonlight."

The class erupted into loud laughter and Hermione went bright red. She wished the floor would open up and swallow her.

"I don’t think I’m ready for that kind of relationship," she squeaked after the class finally managed to shut up. She made a mental note to kill Ron and Harry after class.

"But my sweet darling!" Mervin cried in some weird intonation, "we have been together for so long and I am ready to make your womanly desires come true. I want to feel your hot skin pressed against mine and stroke you in inappropriate places."

Hermione looked as if she were going to be sick as Harry and Ron bit their lips to keep from laughing.

"But I am not ready for that kind of relationship, I already told you. In fact, I am in love with somebody else!"

The class gasped and giggled.

"Dad!" Mervin whined, coming back to character, "She’s messing up the skit!"

"I’m sorry," said Hermione. "But I can’t do this. I think I’m going to be sick. Can I be excused?"

"You’ll have to ask Monsieur Chapeau."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Monsieur Chapeau, may I please be excused from class?"

"No, Hermione! Ten points from Gryffindor for s student disrupting my class!"

Hermione scowled.

When the class (finally) ended, Hermione walked out with Ron and Harry who were laughing so hard they were almost crying.

"Oh my God, that had to be the funniest thing that’s ever happened in one of my classes," Harry said wiping away a tear.

"I want to feel your hot skin pressed against mine," Ron said laughing as he imitated Mervin.

"It’s not funny you two!" Hermione exclaimed.

Harry blinked his eyes a couple of times. "Yes it is."

Hermione groaned. "I’m never going to live this down, am I?"

* * * * *

The fourth and fifth year students were getting ready for their first class of PE. They got to shed their robes and wear t-shirts and shorts. The best thing about the class was they got to be outside when the weather was nice. Even that didn’t cheer Hermione up. She would have much more preferred to be inside readying from a textbook in a classroom. On a scale of one to ten when it came to being athletic, she was a negative 100. Her days of Muggle gym class had not been happy ones. She winced, thinking about the time when she was ten and playing dodgeball in gym class. Jason Parsons, that jerk, had hit her so hard with a volleyball and made her burst into tears. Everyone started to call her Crybaby Granger. Ugh.

"Hey, Malfoy, I think you’ve been spending too much time in the vampire lair." Ron laughed at Draco’s especially white legs and Harry burst out laughing at his friend’s comment.

Malfoy made a face at them. ‘At least I don’t have freckles all over my legs!"

Oliver Wood greeted the students with a smile when they came out. "Welcome to your first class of physical education. I think you’ll enjoy this class."

Yeah right, thought Hermione.

"You can call me Oliver, no need to call me Professor Wood," he continued and everyone laughed.

Gillian made sure to stand near Oliver and kept batting her eyes. He didn’t seem to notice or if he did, paid no attention.

They started out with some stretching. When they did their sit ups, they had partners so one person could hold the feet of the person doing the sit ups.

"Ugh, I can’t believe we have to take a gym class," Hermione said as she held Ginny’s feet as she did her sit-ups.

"I think it will be fun," said Ginny. "Get some exercise and fresh air."

"Well, you never had to take Muggle gym."

"True. But maybe this won’t be like Muggle gym."

"God I hope not." Hermione paused. "You don’t think we’ll have to play Quidditch, do you?"

"Hopefully not. But with Oliver Wood as our teacher we may have to."

"Well, at least there’s one good thing about this class," Hermione said looking over at Ron who was doing sit-ups as Harry held down his feet. She sighed. Ron looked so cute as he concentrated on his exercises. His eyes were serious and the tip of his tongue was barely sticking out of his mouth in deep concentration. He also didn’t look half bad in his white t-shirt and black shorts.

"What’s that?" asked Ginny. She followed Hermione’s gaze and smirked. "Why, Hermione! I had no idea you felt that way about my brother."

She snorted and Hermione glared at her. "You better not tell him, Ginny!"

"Okay, I promise." But behind her back Ginny had her fingers crossed.

Next to them was Gillian holding down Kjirsten’s feet. She started laughing. "Look at pathetic Mervin. He can barely even do a sit-up."

"You think he would be motivated having Britney Spears as his partner," observed Hermione. "Especially with her boobs hanging out of her top!"

Ginny was shaking with laughter. "Shut up! I can’t do sit-ups when I’m laughing!"

"Okay, everyone over here," said Oliver when everyone was done stretching. "See that rope? Today you’re going to climb it."

Hermione groaned. She remembered rope climbing in Muggle gym class all too well. She could barely make it half way up.

"Okay, who wants to go first?"

Nobody moved.

"Okay, Ron, in honor of you making the Gryffindor Quidditch team, why don’t you go first?"

Draco smirked and Ron groaned. But he made it to the top with no problem. Harry, Draco, and some other students went after him and also made it to the top. Then it was Hermione’s turn. Wonderful. She would be the first one to make a fool out of herself. Hermione began climbing the rope, keeping her eye at the top. All she had to do was reach the top. It was when she was somewhere in the middle she looked down. She was awfully high up. Then she saw something that made her furious.

"Ewww! Stop looking up my shirt, you pervert!" she screamed.

Ron, who thought she was talking to him quickly jumped back and stumbled into Harry. But it was Mervin Crunk she had been screaming at.

"I didn’t see much," Mervin replied.

Hermione growled.

"Go on, Hermione," Oliver encouraged her.

Hermione did manage to make it to the top although she was no where near as quick as Ron or Harry (or Draco, Goddamnit). Ginny went next and though she was faster than Hermione, couldn’t beat the time of her brother.

Ron gave the two of them a hard time about this when class ended.

"You know, maybe they should have two gym classes," he said. "One for the guys and one for girls."

"Screw you, Ron," said Ginny.

"You can be such a git sometimes, Ron," Hermione fumed. "Girls can do anything just as well as guys can!"

"Well, I guess climbing ropes isn’t one of them."

"That wasn’t fair!" exclaimed Hermione. "Everyone knows that guys have twice as much upper body strength than girls do."

"Well, don’t blame me that God gave you, uh,-" he trailed off when Hermione and Ginny were glaring at him.

"Oh yeah, Ron, I’m so sure you’re sorry God gave Hermione her "assets." Ginny smirked.

Hermione went red and Ron hissed, "Ginny! Shut up!"

Harry had to suppress a laugh. Ginny was right, Ron did seem to like Hermione’s "assets" very much.

"Anyway," Hermione continued, "girls can be just as good at sports as guys."

"In fact," said Ginny as she stepped right up to her brother and got on her tippy toes so she was nearly his height, "why don’t we play a little friendly game of...of..."

"Of what?" asked Ron.

"How about American football?" suggested Gillian.

They all looked at each other and a slow smile crept over Ginny’s lips. "Yeah! American football."

"Okay, Weasley, you’re on!" said Ron.

"You’re going down, Weasley!" said Ginny jabbing a finger in her brother’s chest.

"Oh boy," Harry whispered to Hermione. "This could get ugly."

"I’ll take you on anyplace, anywhere, anytime!" said Ron.

"All right then. When should we play?"

"Tomorrow afternoon. You, me, Harry, Hermione and Gillian will play."

"What?" cried Hermione. "I’m playing? But I don’t know how to play American football!"

"Well, none of us do, Herm," said Harry at an attempt to make her feel better."

"This is just great!" cried Hermione. "I’m going to die tomorrow and nobody cares."

* * * * *

The five of them met at the Quidditch field the next afternoon, Ron and Ginny looking the fiercest.

"We’re going to need another player to make the teams even," said Gillian who had brought along the football.

"Well, I can sit out," offered Hermione.

But they ignored her.

"How about Mervin Crunk?" suggested Ginny who saw the Slytherin sitting on a bench reading a magazine that was most likely Play Wizard.

"Eww!" said Hermione. "Not that pervert!"

"Ginny, think about it," said Ron. "Mervin Crunk hates sports and he hates anything that has to do with America. Do you really think he would want to play American football?"

Gillian smiled wickedly. "How about Draco Malfoy? He’s coming our way."

Ron and Harry whirled around and groaned when they saw Malfoy walking with Crabbe and Goyle on each side of him.

"Well, well, well, what do we have here?" he asked.

"Would you like to play football with us?" asked Ginny.

"Ginny!" exclaimed Ron and Harry in horror.

Draco blinked. "What’s that?"

"It’s a Muggle sport where people kick this ball and they tackle each other," said Gillian.

A gleam flickered over Draco’s eyes. "Tackle? You mean I’ll get to tackle Ginny?"

"Why you little-" Ron cried in outrage as he was about ready to attack Draco, but Hermione stopped him.

Draco laughed. "You’re so easy to wile up, you know that Weasley?"

"Do you want to play or not, Draco?" asked Gillian.

Draco grinned. "Sure I’m in. This could be fun." He turned back to his two stupid friends and shooed them on their way.

"Okay," said Gillian. "How are we going to decide the captains?"

"I’ll be captain!" Ron and Ginny said at the same time.

"Okay, since my name comes first in the alphabet, I get to pick first," said Ginny.

"Wait a minute, Virginia, I don’t think so," said Ron.

"Too late," said Ginny. "I’m picking first. Gillian."

"Harry," said Ron.

"Draco," said Ginny without hesitating and without looking at Hermione.

"Ginny!" Hermione exclaimed. "How could you choose a Slytherin over a fellow Gryffindor? Besides, I thought it was girls against boys."

"No, it’s not," Ginny replied. "It’s me against Ron. Besides, if we were doing boys against girls, we wouldn’t have to pick teams anyway."

Hermione sighed.

"Okay, Hermione, now I chose you," said Ron.

Hermione scowled at him as she went to join his team. "You didn’t pick me, you got stuck with me!"

"Wait a minute yo’ guys! Is so’ playin’ football? Kin ah sin’ th’ nashunal anthem?"

They all groaned. It was the unmistakable voice of Trampy Spears. She was wearing a sock on her arm.

"Excuse me?" said Ron.

"Eff yer playin’ football, yer a-gonna need somebody t’sin the nashunal anthem."

"Go away you little tramp," Hermione heaved.

"Yes, we would not like to go deaf today, please," said Harry.

Britney stuck her nose in the air and huffed away.

"Huddle up!" called Ginny.

The two teams quickly discussed their game plans (that were, for the most part, clueless).

Ron held the ball while Harry prepared to kick off.

"Pretend the ball is Draco, pretend the ball is Draco," he muttered to himself.

But instead of kicking the ball, he accidentally kicked Ron’s hand.

"Ow!" exclaimed Ron. "Son of a…ow! Come on!"

"Sorry, I’m sorry," apologized Harry. "You know what? Why don’t we just throw the ball?"

He threw the ball and Gillian caught it. She ran up the field and scored a touchdown, making Ron trip as he tried to catch her.

"Score!" cried Ginny. She ran over to Ron and cried, "Losers walk!"

"Yeah!" said Ron getting up and brushing off grass. "Yeah, losers talk!"

"No, no, no, actually losers rhyme," said Draco sarcastically.

They both looked at him and barked, "Shut up!"

"Okay," Ron said to Harry when they returned to the game, "I want you to go down and out to the right on this play. Okay? Break!"

"Wait, what am I gonna do?" asked Hermione.

"Uh, you go long," said Ron.

"How long?"

"Until we’re very small."

"Okay."

"Break!" shouted Ron.

This time Ron’s team scored a touchdown while Hermione jumped up and down and flared her arms.

The teams huddled once more.

"Harry, I want you to run a post pattern to the left," said Ron. "And, Hermione.."

"Yeah, I know. You want me to go long. It feels like all I’m doing is funning back and fourth from the huddle."

"Well, do you just want to stay out there?" asked Ron.

Hermione frowned. She took the ball from Ron’s hands and bounced it off his forehead.

"Ow!" exclaimed Ron, rubbing his head.

"All right, let’s go!" called Ginny clapping her hands. "Tied game!" She threw the ball to Draco who caught it.

He looked surprised. "Hey! I caught it!"

Ron rolled his eyes.

"Run, Draco, run!" said Ginny.

Draco scored a touchdown. "Hey, I scored."

"That’s probably the only scoring you’ll ever do in your lifetime," muttered Harry as he smirked at Draco who glared back at him.

"That didn’t count!" Ron called holding up the stopwatch which had beeped just as Draco touched the touchdown. "The timer went off."

"After the snap!" cried Ginny.

"Before!" shouted Ron.

"After!" said Gillian.

"Before!" said Harry.

"Now does it really matter?" asked Hermione.

"Yes!" they all snapped at her.

"Okay fine, it does count," said Ron. "If you want to win by cheating be my guest."

"No!" said Ginny. "I don’t want you to be calling me a cheater. Why don’t we just call this a tie game and let it be half time."

After they rested for a few minutes (with Ron and Ginny giving each other the evil eye), they were ready to play again.

"Damn, Harry’s pretty good at football," said Ginny in her huddle with Draco and Gillian. We need to take him out. Gillian, you make sure Harry catches the ball, and I’ll take care of the rest."

"Aw, can’t I take care of it?" Draco whined.

Ginny ignored him. "Break!"

"Here you go!" Gillian said throwing the ball to Harry who caught it and started to run up field. Ginny was right on his heels and jumped on him. From the amount of her force he could tell she was still furious at him. They fell hard to the ground.

"Whoa whoa! Tackled by a girl!" she cried in delight. "Bet you didn’t see that coming, did you?"

"Hey!" cried Ron running over to them. "What’s with the tackling?"

"What?" said Ginny innocently. ‘I just touched him and he went over! I can’t help it if he’s so skinny!"

Ron glared at her. "Okay, if you wanna play rough, we’ll play rough."

They glared at each other with menacing eyes.

"Uh oh, I have a bad feeling about this," Harry whispered to Hermione.

"Let’s get ready to ruuuuuummmmmmbbllllllleeeee!" Gillian called in her best announcer voice.

They all stared at her as though she were crazy.

She shrugged. "What? Every football movie in history uses that line."

Ginny threw the ball over Harry’s head and Gillian caught it. She started to dance with excitement, but Harry tackled her.

Ron ran upfield and stopped waiting for a pass. Ginny ran over to him and pulled his shorts down revealing bright orange boxer shorts.

Ron’s face turned as red as his hair. "Ginny!"

Ginny laughed and with embarrassment Ron saw that Hermione was also covering her mouth to keep from laughing.

Ginny handed the ball to Draco who ran up field, knocking Harry over in the process and scoring a touchdown.

"Damn, I love this game!" he yelled.

"Whoo hoo! We’re winning!" cried Ginny.

"It’s no surprise you’re winning," whined Ron. "You got to pick first so you got the better team."

"Ahem." Hermione cleared her throat.

"You’re so pathetic!" Ginny said in an exasperated tone. "Why can’t you just accept we’re winning because we’re better than you. In fact, I’ll prove it to you! I’ll trade you Draco for Hermione and I’ll still win the game!"

"What? Boys against girls? That’s ridiculous, Ginny."

"Ahem," Hermione said again.

"You got something in your throat there, Herm?" asked Ron.

"What? Are you afraid you’ll lose to a bunch of girls?" asked Ginny.

"Okay, bring it on!" said Ron. "Hermione, you’re with Ginny. Draco, ugh, I hate to say this, you’re on our team."

"Come on Hermione," said Ginny. "Come see what it’s like being on a winning team for a change."

The girls huddled together.

"We have to do this," Ginny told them. "We are playing for women everywhere. Just think about every lousy time some idiot guy insulted you. This is for all of womankind! Let’s KILL THEM!"

"YEAH! KILL THEM!" shouted Hermione.

"Okay, we have a minute and a half to go and we’re down by two points! Hermione, you go long and-"

"No! Don’t make me go long!" said Hermione. "Use me. They never cover me."

"Hermy, there’s a reason," said Ginny.

"God, I’m not lame, okay?" said Hermione. "I can throw. Come on, let me throw."

"All right, Hermione," said Ginny. "I’ll pitch it to you, you throw it down field to Gillian. All right? Break!"

Gillian snapped the ball to Ginny who pitched it to Hermione.

Harry, Ron and Draco ran towards Hermione who panicked and started to run. She ran towards Ginny and threw the ball at her, but it hit her in the eye.

"I’m so sorry!" cried Hermione. "Are you okay?"

"I will be."

"I’m sorry, they were all coming at me and I didn’t know what to do!"

"Thirty seconds left!" Harry called.

"Come on! Hurry!" called Ginny. "We’re running out of time. Huddle up!" They huddled together. "All right, Gillian get open, Hermione, go long. Break!"

Hermione went long as Gillian snapped the ball. Harry and Draco started to run towards Gillian and cover her as Ron started to rush Ginny who was holding the ball. She looked in at Gillian and out of desperation she threw the ball to Hermione. The ball seemed to fly through the air in slow motion. Everyone stopped and looked as the ball threw the air. Hermione held her arms out and caught it. She stared at it in shock for awhile then threw the ball hard on the ground. Ginny and Gillian started to scream.

"I got a touchdown!" Hermione screamed in disbelief. "We did it!"

Ginny and Gillian ran over to hug her.

Draco looked at Harry and Ron in disgust. "You two sicken me." He shook his head. "Beaten by girls!" He stormed off.

"Haha!" cried Gillian. "Girls rule and boys drool."

"Ginny, have I ever told you how annoying your friends are?" Ron said.

"Come on, Gilly-bean, let’s go tell Fred and George we beat Ron and Harry at football," said Ginny.

They went running off leaving Hermione smirking at Harry and Ron.

"What?" they said together.

She just laughed and walked off.

* * * * *

"May I have your attention please?" Professor Dumbledore said that evening at dinner.

"Halloween is coming up very soon and in honor of the holiday we will be having a dance."

The Great Hall erupted into cheers.

"You will be asked to dress up in costume and there will be a prize given for the best costume. I haven’t decided what it will be, but it will be a good one. I will give you more details about the dance when the time gets closer."