I’m Not a Muggle Not Yet a Wizard

Chapter 3

Ginny was sitting on her bed when she heard somebody knock on her door. She had locked it.

"Who is it?" she snapped.

"It's me," she heard Harry's voice say. "I just wanted to talk to you."

"GO AWAY!" she screamed. "I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU!"

Obviously she still needed time to cool off. Harry went back downstairs where the party was winding down and people were starting to go home.

Draco came over to Harry. "Your friend Weasley throws a half decent party, Potter. It's just too bad you made a girl run away crying just for dancing with her for a minute." He laughed.

Harry scowled at him. "Shut up Malfoy."

Ron came up to them. "Isn't it past your bedtime, Malfoy? Your daddy will be worried if you're not tucked in by now."

"Screw you, Weasley." Draco made a face at him.

"Oh, and if you EVER come near my sister again, there will be hell to pay. Mark my words."

Malfoy just smirked at him and turned on his heels to leave.

"Sodding git," Ron muttered under his breath.

After everyone left, Fred and George returned the house back to normal then they sat with Ron, Harry, and Hermione (who was spending the night) in the living room as they talked.

"Hey! I just realized something!" George grinned. "We forgot to play a Britney Spears song in honor of Harry's birthday. We were thinking of playing that one song, what was it called? Ah, yes I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman."

Harry groaned. "Oh, God. Please don't let me relive the agony."

"I don't get it," said Hermione. "Why would you play that song at Harry's party? That makes no sense."

Fred shrugged. "Maybe not. But it would have been hilarious to see the look on his face!"

"Believe me, you don't want to hear her voice. It's awful." Harry shuddered.

"Yeah," Hermione agreed. "It's not the prettiest sound."

"I wish there was a way we could make her stop singing. I wonder if there's an anti-singing curse somewhere out there," Harry pondered.

"Harry!" Hermione exclaimed.

"What? It would make the world a much brighter place if Britney Spears couldn't sing anymore."

Hermione rolled her eyes.

Just then the door opened and Mr. and Mrs. Weasley and Percy came inside.

"Hello everyone," Mrs. Weasley greeted them.

"Hello Mum," said George. "How was the play?"

"Oh, it was wonderful."

"I thought it was a little too long if you ask me," grumbled Mr. Weasley.

"Oh, Arthur," Mrs. Weasley laughed good-naturally. "We're off to bed. Where's Ginny?"

"She already went to bed," said Ron.

"Okay, don't stay up too late." Mrs. Weasley followed her husband and Percy upstairs.

* * *

The rest of the summer was uneventful at the Weasley household. Ginny kept giving Harry evil looks while Harry tried to apologize again and again, the twins kept tormenting Ron about his undying love for Hermione, Percy kept giving exasperated sighs and rolling his eyes, Harry practiced Quidditch with Ron and the twins, Molly made delicious meals, Author kept asking Harry what kind of Muggle equipment his relatives owned.

"Hey Ron, you should try out for the Quidditich team since there'll be an extra spot on the team," said Harry as they were playing the sport with the twins.

"Yeah, Ronnie, come and join the team!" Fred said.

Ron grinned. "I think I will."

"Whoo hoo!" cried George. "Nobody will be able to defeat a team with three Weasleys!"

* * *

"Does everyone have everything?" Mrs. Weasley asked her children and Harry at Kings Cross Section.

There was a chorus of "yes's."

"All right, Ginny you go first."

Harry was the last to go through the wall. The coast was clear and nobody was looking at him. Mrs. Weasley was talking to Neville Longbottom's grandmother. He took a deep breath and pushed his cart towards Platform Nine and Three-Quarters. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a girl wearing jeans, a tank top and a hat came running in front of him.

"Watch out!" Harry screamed, but he was going to fast to stop. The girl halted in her tracks, her brown eyes wide with terror.

She looked awfully familiar.

It happened in an instant. Harry rammed into the girl sending her through the wall. Her hat fell off revealing a blonde dye job gone horribly wrong.

The girl started to freak. "Oh my God! Where am I?" she said in a Southern accent.

Oh shit. It was Britney Spears.

Not knowing what to do, Harry pointed his wand at her, changing her into a frog. He would have to deal with the consequences when he got to Hogswarts.

Harry sat next with Ron, Hermione and the twins on the train.

"You guys," he whispered, "something terrible has happened!"

His friends looked alarmed.

"Is He Who Must Not Be Named coming to unleash hell at Hogswarts?" Ron questioned.

"Does your scar hurt?" Hermione asked with concern.

"Did you find out that Snape will be teaching all the classes?" Fred asked. He shuddered at the thought.

"No," said Harry. He held up Britney the frog. See this frog?"

They nodded.

"This is Britney Spears."

His friends looked at him for a second as though he was insane, then burst out laughing.

"That was a good one, Harry!" George slapped him on the back.

"Damnit, Harry!" Hermione exclaimed. "That wasn't funny! I thought you were being serious."

"I am serious! This is Britney Spears! She ran out in front of my cart and I accidentally pushed her through the wall."

"No, no," George said through laughter shaking his head. "That can't be Britney Spears because the frog's not ugly enough!"

His twin nearly choked on the chocolate frog he was eating. "Good one George!"

Great, thought Harry. Nobody believes me.

* * *

In another part of the train, Ginny was sitting with two fourth year Gryffindor girls, Gillian Daniels and Kjirsten Skilensidenoffer.

"Hey, Ginny, what are you doing here? How come you're not sitting with your Prince Harry?' Gillian asked her.

Ginny scowled at the dark haired, blue eyed girl.

Gillian had come to Hogswarts last year as an exchange student from New York City. She had loved it so much, you begged her parents to come back the next year. Her mother was a witch from Salem Massachusetts where Gillian's school was located and her father was a Muggle who worked on Wall Street.

"I'd rather eat shit flavored Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Bean than speak to that jerk!"

Gillian raised her eyebrows. "The hell? I thought you were madly in love with him. Why else would you draw a picture of you two getting married in your notebook?"

"How did you know I-" Ginny started. "Oh, forget it. Harry Potter is a sodding jerk and I never want to see his face again or speak to him again!"

"What happened?" Kjirsten asked in her thick Swedish accent.

Kjirsten was gorgeous with curly blonde hair and big blue eyes, but she wasn't exactly the brightest bulb in the room.

Ginny told them.

"That's all?" said Gillian. "I don't think that's so bad."

"He only danced with me because he had to!" Ginny exclaimed. "Ron was treating me like a baby and made him watch me dancing with Draco Malfoy."

"Mmmmm. Draco Malfoy is hot," said Gillian.

"I thought you said Draco was an asshole," said Ginny.

"He is an asshole!" exclaimed Gillian. "He's the King of Assholes! But he's still one fine piece of Slytherin. Especially in those leather pants...hmm...."

"He thinks he's so much better than everyone else because his family has money," said Ginny.

"I bet his family doesn't have as much money as Donald Trump or Bill Gates," Gillian replied.

"Who are they?"

Gillian shook her head. "You wizards are so provincial sometimes. Well I have to admit I'm glad you're over Harry. What the hell is so special about him anyway?"

"Well, he-" Ginny began.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So he defeated some evil wizard. That was like what, fifteen years ago?" She rolled her eyes. "Get over it all ready, Jesus! He's okay, I guess, but if you ask me, you know who I think is fine?"

Ginny rolled her eyes. "You already told me. Draco."

"No, well yes, he is, but I was going to say that guy who was the Gryffindor Quidditch captain. I've seen his picture and he is smoking!"

"Oliver Wood?" said Ginny.

"Yes! That's his name."

"He's five years older than you are."

"So?"

"That would make him nineteen," said Kjirsten.

Gillian rolled her eyes. "Very good, Professor Dumbass."

"Hey!"

"Well, he has a girlfriend anyway," said Ginny.

"The cute ones always do. Damnit, there's no cute boys in the fourth year."

"Are boys the only thing you think about?" Ginny asked.

"Of course not! I also think about how to get their attention."

Ginny rolled her eyes.

* * *

No matter how many times Harry tried to tell them, nobody believed frog was really Britney Spears. Well they would certainly be in for a shocking surprise when they got to Hogswarts...

"Hey, baby, wanna hold my wand?" Hermione heard a voice say behind her.

"Go to hell, Mervin!" she huffed.

Mervin Crunk was a fifth year Slytherin. He wore glasses and was a tad overweight. He acted like a big know it all and was always correcting people. He worshipped an evil wizard named Michael Bay who directed horrible movies for the Muggle population to watch. He was very horny and always hitting on the girls. Unfortunately for Hermione, he hit on her the most. Mervin kept stacks of Play Wizard and Pent Castle under his bed.

"Oh, I know you want me Granger," he said, stuffing his mouth with chocolate frogs.

Hermione looked disgusted.

"Get your fat ass out of here!" Ron yelled.

"Oh great, more slimy Slytherin," Fred said as Malfoy came striding in with Crabbe and Goyle trailing behind him.

"Well, well, well," he said in his most arrogant voice. "Look who we have here. The Dream Team!"

"Get bent, Malfoy!" Ron hissed.

"Where's your sister?"

"Why do you want to know?" Ron challenged.

"I need to ask her something."

"You're not going anywhere near my sister! What do you want to ask her? I'll ask her for you."

Draco smirked. "I wanted to ask her if she would like to join my Harry Potter hate club since she's so furious with Potter." He laughed.

Harry slumped down in his seat. Wonderful.

"Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out," Ron said glaring at the Slytherins.

"All right. I know when I'm not wanted here. See you around, losers."

* * *

Kjirsten had fallen asleep and Gillian was teaching Ginny how to play a card game named Uno that was very popular in the Muggle world when the door opened and Draco Malfoy came sauntering in. He looked very suave in his black designer robe and slicked back blonde hair.

He smirked when he saw Ginny. "Ah, there you are."

"You were looking for me?" Ginny asked.

Gillian gave him her most dazzling smile and tossed her hair back but he ignored her as he sat next to Ginny.

"Ass hole," she breathed under her breath.

Draco looked at her. "Excuse me?"

"Nothing," she replied smiling sweetly.

Ginny gave her a Look.

"So are you still pissed off at Potter?"

"That's none of you damn business, Malfoy!" Ginny snapped.

Draco chuckled. "I'll take that as a yes."

"If anybody asks me about Harry again, I'll scream!" Ginny cried. "I don't want to see or talk to that bastard again!"

Draco couldn't contain his huge smile. "Ah, I always knew you were the smart one in your family."

"I'm so glad you're getting so much joy out of this," Ginny said sarcastically.

Draco reached his hand out to brush away a tendril of her hair that was on her forehead. "No, I'm just happy you came to your senses."

And with that he got up and walked away.

Gillian started at Ginny. "Oh my God! Did you see that? Draco Malfoy is into you?"

Ginny blushed. "No he's not."

"Yes he is!" Gillian sighed. "You guys would make a great-looking couple. You'll be the next Brad and Gwyneth!"

(A/N: remember, this takes place in 1995 and I think Brad and Gwynnie were dating then. I know Britney didn't exist back then (happier times for all of us), but just pretend she did, okay? This story is all messed up!)

"Who?"

"Don't you sorcerers know any famous Muggles?"

"I know the Beatles!"

"Everybody knows the Beatles!"

"I know Princess Diana and Prince Charles and William and Harry."

"Mmm...William's hot," was Gillian's reply. She was sidetracked for a minute then shook her head and said, "Hey, I have a great idea!"

"What?" Ginny asked nervously.

"You should date Draco to get back at Harry. You know make him jealous. It works everytime!"

But Ginny shook her head. "Uh huh. No way. I'm not going to use anybody-" she stopped realizing who she was talking about. "Oh, crap. It IS Draco Malfoy, that prat. And he is kinda cute even though he's a jerk. I'll think about it."

* * *

The minute the train reached Hogswarts, Harry jumped off it and ran straight for Dumbledore's office with Britney in his hands.

When he reached the door he realized he didn't know the password.

"Shit!"

"Mr. Potter, that is NOT the password!" a stern voice said behind him.

Harry turned around guilty to see Professor McGonagall giving him a very stern look.

"Sorry, Professor. It's just that I have to talk to Professor Dumbledore right away! It's a matter of life and death!"

Professor McGonagall raised her eyebrow and said, "Butterbeer."

"Professor Dumbledore, Mr. Potter has something important he would like to discuss with you," she said.

Dumbledore looked up from his desk where he was writing on a parchment with a quill. "Have a seat, Harry," he said kindly.

Harry took a seat on a red velvet chair.

"Now what is it you need to tell me?"

Harry told Dumbledore and McGonagall about how a Muggle girl had accidentally ran into him while he was running towards Platform Nine and Three Quarters and how she had been knocked through the wall with him.

"Oh dear," said Dumbledore.

"But that's not the worst part."

"It's not?!" exclaimed McGonagall.

"She's a famous Muggle singer from America. She was just in London giving a concert."

"Well, where is she now?" asked Dumbledore.

Harry removed his hand to reveal the frog. "I panicked and turned her into a frog. I didn't know what to do, Professor!"

"Oh dear," Dumbledore said again. "Minerva, a word please?"

Harry watched nervously as the two professors whispered for a few minutes in the corner.

"Okay, I think we figured out a way to solve this problem," said Dumbledore coming back over to Harry.

"You have?"

"Yes, we'll turn the young girl back and-"

"I don't think you want to do that."

"Well we can't keep her as a frog, now can we Harry?" Dumbledore chuckled. "Anyway, after we turn her back we'll put a charm on her so she'll think she's supposed to be here. Of course before she goes home, we'll put a forgetfulness spell on her."

"When will she go home?" Harry asked. Please let it be today!

"Well, that's a toughie," Dumbledore continued. "We'll have to work on a stopping time spell. That way nobody will ever notice the girl is missing."

"I don't know if I follow," said Harry.

"What Professor Dumbledore is trying to say," Professor McGonagall cut in, "is that we will stop time in the Muggle world until the girl returns. As of right now the girl is not missing. And when she returns time will go on as normal."

(A/N: okay, I know this makes no sense, but just pretend it does, okay?)

"Anyway, this might take weeks to complete, even months," continued Dumbledore.

Harry thought he felt the blood drain out of his face. "Months!?"

"It's a good thing there's an extra bed in the fifth year Gryffindor girl's room," mused McGonagall. "She can stay there."

"Okay, Harry, put the frog on the chair next to you," said Dumbledore getting out his wand.

Reluctantly Harry sat the frog next to him.

Dumbledore pointed the wand at the frog, said a few words in Latin, then POOF! There was a puff of green smoke and the frog was changed back into Britney Spears.

She blinked her eyes, looking around. "Where am I?"

Dumbledore smiled kindly at her. "You're here on a vacation, remember?"

Britney blinked a couple more times and soon recognition came over her face.

"Oh, yes! I've always wanted to visit the place where they trained magicians."

"What?" Harry started to say, but Dumbledore winked at him.

Oh. He got it. Dumbledore had put a spell on Britney to think she was at some kind of magician in training school.

"Now what's your name, young lady?" asked McGonagall."

"Britney Jeans Spears. And you spell that B-R-I-T-N-E-Y."

"My, you have quite a foreign accent there," said Dumbledore. "Where are you from."

"Kentwood, Louisiana."

"Louisiana, eh? Well, it's great to have you here, Britney."

"Okay, Ms. Spears. Follow me," said McGonagall. "I'll show you where you'll be staying. Harry, you come with us too."

As Britney followed Professor McGonagall and Harry to the Gryffindor common room, she looked around the large castle. "Wow, ya'll. This hyar pah-layse is grahttt!"

"Slimy toads," McGonagall said when they came to the portrait of the Fat Lady.

The door swung open.

"Wow! Y'all even haf passwo'ds. How cool!"

"Everyone! Can I have your attention please?" Professor McGonagall clapped her hands and the students who were in the common room looked in her direction.

Ron, Hermione, Fred and George who were sitting together opened their mouths wide when they saw Britney Spears standing next to Harry.

"Holy shit," whispered Fred. "Harry was right along."

"Oh my God," said Hermione. "This can NOT be happening!"

"Everyone!" said Professor McGonagall. "I have somebody to introduce to you. This is Britney. She's a Muggle cousin of Harry's from Louisiana."

"WHAT??!" screamed Harry.

Professor McGonagall gave him a Look.

"Oh my God!" Gillian Daniels cried. "That's Britney Spears!"

"Who?" said the non-Muggle born wizards.

"What's a Muggle doing here?" asked Lee Jordan.

"Oh, this hyar is so much fun bein' in a fo'eign country," said Britney. "It's like lissenin' t'a whole noo language!"

Everyone stared in horror after they heard her strong accent.

"Dear God, where is she from again?" asked Lavender Brown.

"Louisiana," McGonagall repeated. "The United States."

"What's a Muggle doing here?" Lee asked again.

"Britney's here to spend a few weeks to see how magicians are trained."

McGonagall raised her eyebrows at her students as there was a chorus of "Ooohs!" then she mouthed, "I'll explain later."

"In the meantime," McGonagall continued, "Hermione, why don't you take Britney up to the fifth year Gryffindor girl's room and show her a bed. That's where she'll be staying."

Harry saw a look of vexation cross over Hermione's eyes.

As she took Britney upstairs, Professor McGonagall and Harry quickly explained what had happened.

"And she's not really my cousin!" Harry quickly made sure to add.

McGonagall rolled her eyes.

"You mean she's a famous Muggle singer from America?" said Colin Creevy.

"Yeah!" said Gillian. "She is EVERYWHERE! You can't flip through a magazine without seeing her face, you can't turn on the TV without seeing her on an interview show. She just. Won't. go. Away."

"Right now Professor Dumbledore is telling the other students about her so there won't be any shocks," said Professor McGonagall. "In the meantime, I expect you all to treat our guest nicely." She gave them all stern looks before she turned to leave.

* * *

"Oh my God! You guys won't believe who's here!" Gillian cried as she opened the door to the fourth year girl's room where Ginny and Kjirsten were with the other two fourth year Gryffindor girls, Mischa Owens and Collette Phoenix.

"Who?" asked Collette.

"Britney freaking Spears is here! Can you believe it?" Gillian burst into laughter.

The other girls looked confused.

"Who's that?" asked Kjirsten.

Gillian sighed. She kept forgetting all four of them were dense when it came to the Muggle world.

"She's a famous Muggle singer from America."

"What's a famous Muggle singer from America doing here?" asked Ginny.

Gillian explained to them what Professor McGonagall had told the other students.

"She thinks she's at a magician school?" Kjirsten giggled. "What an idiot!"

Gillian rolled her eyes. "Why do I have a feeling you two are going to get along great?"

* * *

"This is where you'll be staying," Hermione said in a monotone voice as she led Britney into the fifth year girl's room. "You can have that bed." She made sure to give Britney the furthest bed away from her.

"Wow, this room is graaht! You even haf four poster beds!" Britney cried. "When's dinner a-gonna be ready? Ah's starvin'!"

Hermione looked up at the clock which had just written "Dinner in five minutes" in purple cursive letters. "Right now," she answered.

* * *

All of the fifth year Slytherin boys had gone to dinner and Mervin was alone in the room. Before he headed down to the Great Hall, he took his wand and pointed it a poster of a bikini-clad witch. It turned around revealing the other side to be a poster of Michael Bay, the evil wizard he idolized. Mervin worshipped the ground he walked on. He got down on his knees and looked up at the poster.

"Oh, Michael Bay, you are my spiritual guide. I would do anything for you. I love you so much. You are my idol. Please give me the strength I need so I can be as great and powerful as you and torture people the way you do with your awful movies."

After Mervin was done meditating to his shrine, he turned the poster back and headed down for dinner.

(A/N: this is an inside joke only a few people will get).

* * *

By the time dinner was ready, Professor Dumbledore had told everybody the real story about Britney Spears. Harry trusted everyone not to tell her the truth, except for the Slytherins. But he supposed it didn't matter. Dumbledore would put a forgetfulness charm on her anyway.

The Gryffindors sat at the table with Ginny sitting as far away as Harry as she could.

"Everyone! Can I have you attention!" Professor Dumbledore clapped his hands and the chattering students quieted down. "We have a very special guest who's going to be staying with us for a few months. Will everyone please give a warm welcome to Harry Potter's Muggle cousin from Louisiana, Britney Spears."

Harry groaned. He wished people would stop calling her his cousin.

There was polite applauds as Britney stood up at the Gryffindor table and waved. "He'yall!"

There was whispering as the Muggle born wizards realized, in fact, it was really Britney Spears.

"I can't believe Britney Spears is at Hogswarts!" Mervin exclaimed to his Slytherin friends. "She's so hot!"

Draco rolled his eyes. "If you saw a five hundred pound female with a pumpkin for a head, you would call her hot too. Stop being so damn horny!"

"In honor of having Ms. Spears join us, we will be having a dinner to celebrate her sojourn here."

He waved his wand and crawfish,, corn bread, shrimp gumbo and chicken fried steak appeared on the tables. "A Cajun meal in honor of our guest from Louisiana!"

Next, Dumbledore introduced the professors. Snape was teaching potions, Sprout was teaching herbology, blah, blah, blah.

"And teaching our Defense Against the Dark Arts class will be Charlie Weasley," Dumbledore said with a big smile as Charlie came up to greet everyone.

"Yay Charlie!" Ron, George and Fred cried when they saw their brother.

Charlie grinned at them.

"Wow, Ginny! Your brother is hot!" said Gillian.

"Totally hot!" said Mischa.

Ginny rolled her eyes. She tried to stifle a laughter when she saw Ron glaring at Hermione who was also ogling over Charlie.

"We also will be having a new class," Dumbledore continued. "But don't worry, I'm sure you'll enjoy it," he quickly said as a murmur of panicked whispers began to erupt. "This is a Muggle class called physical education."

Fred and George snickered at this. "Physical education."

"It's not that kind of physical education, you buffoons," Hermione said to them. "It's a class where you have to play sports." She shuddered.

"Cool!" shouted Ron.

Harry was also happy. Even though he hated gym in Muggle school he was looking forward to this class.

"We've been getting letters complaining that we weren't keeping our wizards, er magicians in shape," said Dumbledore. "So this is why we'll be having PE. Seventh and sixth year students will be in classes together, fifth and fourth year students will be in classes together and third, second and first year students will be in classes together. And your teacher will be none other than the previous Gryffindor Quidditch captain and now playing as keeper for the Chudley Cannons, is Oliver Wood!"

Oliver Wood, looking mighty fine in all his manliness glory came out to greet everyone.

"OH MY GOD!" Gillian screamed. "I LOVE YOU, OLIVER!"

"Miss Daniels, please keep quiet!" Professor McGonagall hissed.

Oliver gave her a wink. "Right back at ya."

Gillian looked as though she were going to faint with happiness.

"I'd just like to give a big word up to all my fellow Gryffindor classmates out there," Oliver said. "And you can be sure I'll be at the Quidditch try out teams tomorrow. Gotta make sure my teams keeps the legacy!"

"Oh my God, he's soooooooo hot," sighed Britney Spears. "So much hotter than my afro wearing, boyband singing boyfriend."

"You better keep your hands off of my man, you slimy little slut!" Gillian shouted at her.

"Honestly, you two! He already has a girlfriend!" exclaimed Ginny.

They ignored her.

"You're so stupid!" said Gillian. "I can't believe you think Canada is overseas! It is not overseas!"

"Hmph!" said Britney. "I meant to say Europe when I did that interview."

Gillian rolled her eyes. "Whatever! "Oh, and by the way, it was Joan Jett who sang I love Rock and Roll, NOT Pat Benatar."

"Hmph!"

"That's right," said Mervin who was now walking towards their table. "It was Joan Jett and NOT Pat Benatar who originally sang I Love Rock and Roll."

"Nobody asked you Mervin!" Gillian screamed at him. "Get the hell out of here, you critic wannabe!"

Mervin made a fake sad face and left. "I'm going to send an owl to my Cinephile friends.

Wanna join me, baby?" he asked Hermione.

"Eww! No! You can talk to your perverted friends by yourself!"

"We have another new teacher to introduce to you as well," Dumbledore proceeded.

"Professor Pervin Crunk will be teaching an intimate relations class." He paused to roll his eyes as the entire hall of students broke out into laughter.

"Oh, this is just great," said Hermione sarcastically. "That pervert's dad is teaching a sex ed class. Pervertness must just run in the family!"