The Real Story of Harry Potter

Chapter Fifteen: The Prophecies

Hermione kept turning the pages. "If she was so clever, why is this so disorganized?" she asked. Then she stopped turning and stared.

"What is it?" Harry asked.

Hermione handed him the book. I read over his shoulder. It read, "Well, Hermione, you try to organize it better then! R.R." I giggled.

"Here, give it to me," I said.

The next line read, "Well, Joanne, your turn is it? Try page forty-seven."

"Are we sure this book is safe?" Percy asked. "I mean, remember Ginny and Tom Marvolo Riddle's diary? This thing thinks for itself and we can't see where it keeps its brains. AND we got it from You-Know-Who's mother!"

"Oh, shut up, Percy," said Hermione. "Actually, we didn't get it from her, we got it from McGonagall. You know how she is about rules. She wouldn't have given us anything that had Dark Magic in it."

I turned to page forty-seven. It read, "A Muggle machine shall record the saga, but it shall twist the truth for no reason other than it was lazy and couldn't be bothered to dramatically build up the part where a giant tells the boy who lived of his destiny."

"It's the movie!" said Hermione. "Harry, Ron and I went to the premiere in the Invisibility Cloak."

"Totally ruined that part, too," said Harry. "The way they had it, it was like 'Didn't you wonder where your parents learned it all?' 'Learned what?' 'You're a wizard.' Hagrid didn't even know that I didn't know about my parents! Stupid Muggle director, you ought to sue him, Jo."

"Well, it was pretty good, as movies based on books go."

"Well, Daniel Radcliffe looks like me, anyway," said Harry. "You should have heard Ron when he saw Rupert Grint. 'He's too bloody short! I'm not short! And his nose is too little...' We had to clamp our hands over his mouth, the row behind us was staring funny."

"As soon as this whole thing is over, we ought to go and spy on the making of the third film," said Hermione. "And that Emma Watson! I wasn't nearly that much of a brat in my first year, thank you very much."

"Yes you were," said Harry.

"Shut up...and they left out the Sorting Hat song! And the wizard's duel! At least the bloke who played Wood was gorgeous..."

"Wood's practically deformed-looking in real life," said Percy.

"It isn't his fault his nose got in the way of his cousin's Engorgement Charm," snapped Hermione. "Anyway, I hope they pick Ewan MacGregor for Remus." She fell back in a delirious mock faint.

"I hope so too," came Remus's voice from the bed. "God, he's gorgeous. Not skinny enough to play me, though."

"Well, they could fix that...I love Moulin Rouge!" said Hermione. "And when he sings..."

Remus swooned too.

Sirius sat up. "Do you MIND?"

"Sorry, love. You know I think you're every bit as hot as Ewan."

"I should hope so." He nuzzled Remus's neck. Percy averted his eyes.

I turned to Percy. "Will you STOP THAT?!"

"What?"

"You know perfectly well what. How would you like it if you kissed Penelope and Sirius and Remus looked away?" Disgusted I picked up the book again. Then I started to laugh.

"What?"

"Read this, Perce."

The book read, "Yeah, Percy, get over it! Godric Gryffindor was gay too, you know. And you spent seven years living in the house named after him and you survived. Good Lord, I'm ashamed of you. Someone as intelligent as you and you can't get over the fact that two men can be in love. I've foretold the creation of emoticons, and if I knew the eye-rolling one, I'd insert it here."

Harry snickered. "Here, can I see the book?" Remus asked.

Percy passed it to him. As Remus reached for it, he clamped his hands over Percy's. "There, you've touched a gay person and survived. You haven't got AIDS and you haven't turned queer yourself."

"Don't be so hard on him, Remus," said Sirius.

Percy stood up. "I'm going back to bed."

"Good riddance," Harry mouthed at me. Percy left.

"It's not his fault he's an ignorant git," Sirius said.

"Well, he's gone now, and I don't feel like talking about him any more," Remus said. He read aloud from the book.

"Good thinking, Remus. Look at page one hundred and eight-four." He thumbed through the book and read, "The answer to conquering the Dark Lord lies in thoughts."

He looked at the book exasperatedly. "Come on Rowena, can't you give us something else?"

"No," said the book. "I trust you're all bright enough to figure it out. I'm closing now for the night. Goodbye." Remus pulled out his fingers just before the book snapped shut.

"Thoughts?" said Hermione. "How are we supposed to defeat him with thoughts?"

"Hell if I know, you lot are the wizards," I said, climbing back into Ginny's bed.

"We should probably sleep on it and figure it out in the morning," said Sirius.

Harry and Hermione took the hint. They said goodnight and left.

*

In the morning, we told Mr. Weasley what we had figured out about the lemon drops, and he went to the store (with Hermione's Muggle money) to buy some.

"They can't have that much protection, though," said George. "Or else Dumbledore wouldn't have been captured."

"Well, they're better than nothing," said Ginny. At that moment, Mr. Weasley returned from the store with five large bags.

"Fellow behind the counter thought I was mad," he said. "Don't blame him, really."

Fred and George cautiously took a drop each and put them in their mouths. They sucked for a minute in silence. "What do they do?" Fred asked.

"They taste like lemons," I said.

"They don't taste like cockroaches or earwax or anything?" asked George.

"No."

"They can't engorge someone's tongue or turn them into a canary?"

"Sorry."

"Candy that tastes like lemons!" exclaimed Mr. Weasley. "What will these Muggles think of next?"

Chapter Sixteen: Negotiations

At that moment, a large gray owl flew in the window with a letter tied to his foot. When he landed, Mrs. Weasley took the letter and read it aloud.

"Ms. Rowling:

Please meet with us using the Cerebellum Inferno Charm so that we can begin to settle out of court at ten o'clock today. We are at Malfoy Manor.

Sincerely, Severus Snape, Argus Filch, and Draco Malfoy."

There was another note too, from Moody: "They gave this to me assuming I'd know your whereabouts. A.M."

"What's the Cerebellum Inferno Charm?" I asked.

"The one where people see your head in the fireplace," Sirius said.

"Do you suppose it's safe?" I asked Mr. Weasley.

"I should think so," he said. "They won't be able to tell where you are, only that you're somewhere with a wizard fireplace. And Remus and Sirius needn't do the charm too- after all, you'll still be here with them, it's just that your head is appearing somewhere else."

"I wonder how much Snape is on our side," pondered Harry. "He knows about what Voldemort's done, but he still is angry with Jo. You'd think at the very least he'd put off settling until Dumbledore's back."

"Probably thinks things won't turn out in his favor if Dumbledore's around," said George.

"I say," said Fred suddenly, "where's Percy?"

We all looked around. He was nowhere to be seen. "I do hope he hasn't left the house," said Mrs. Weasley nervously. She went to the foot of the stairs and called his name. There was no answer. Even Fred and George looked worried.

My stomach began to pitch, and I raced for the bathroom, Sirius and Remus following. Sirius handed me a tissue when I was finished. "Thanks," I said, grateful. He nodded.

Back in the kitchen, there was still no sign of Percy. "It's almost ten o'clock," Ron said. "You'd better go and do the charm."

Remus, Sirius and I walked into the living room. Remus lit the fireplace and Sirius took out his wand. Pointing it and me, he said, "Cerebellum Inferno Malfoy Manor."

I felt dizzy and the next thing I knew, I was looking past flames and into an ornate antique living room. Sitting in an overstuffed violet armchair was Malfoy, with Snape on his right and Filch on his left. None of them offered any greetings.

"All right," I said, "let's get down to business."

"I want a thousand Galleons in damages and a disclaimer at the beginning of all new copies of each book," Snape said.

"Disclaimer yes, Galleons no," I said.

"I want my character changed," said Filch.

"Why," I said, "You know it's all true."

"I am NOT a Squib!"

"All right then, if you're not a Squib, turn Malfoy into a cockroach," I said. He looked flustered. "See, told you."

"Maybe my magical abilities are not quite up to snuff..."

Snape snorted with laughter. Filch glared at him.

"I," said Malfoy authoritatively, "want my character reflected in a positive light as an excellent student and Quidditch player who is rightfully proud of his pureblood ancestry and recognizes inferiors when he comes across them."

"Dream on," I said. "That's got nothing to do with any laws. The laws I was brought to court for breaking had to do with my stories changing the truth. And you're the character I changed the least."

"If you don't do it," hissed Malfoy, "I'll...."

"If you don't stop threatening me, Draco babe, I'll get Dobby to make public whatever secret it is that he has about you."

"No one would believe it," said Malfoy, but he looked nervous.

"I wouldn't be so sure," I said. I addressed them all. "The disclaimers I'll go with," I said. "It's an archaic and stupid law, but it's yours and I broke it, so I'll add disclaimers. Filch, it's not my fault you're a Squib. Malfoy, it's not my fault you're an elitist scumbag. Snape, it's not my fault you're a failed Playwitch model who, from what I've heard, could use a few implants in his..."

"BUT I'M NOT UGLY!" Snape roared. "YOU'LL CHANGE THAT!"

"The law doesn't say I have to," I said. "It says I either have to tell the truth or add a disclaimer, and I'm adding a disclaimer. If you don't like it, we can go back to court. Now, gentlemen, if you'd excuse me. Sirius? Could you bring me back now?"

Within the second, I was back in the living room of The Burrow. The whole Weasley family, Ron, Hermione, Sirius, and Remus were standing around me with grave looks on their faces. "What is it?" I asked.

Mr. Weasley held up the clock. The "Percy" hand was pointed to a large, curly question mark.

Mrs. Weasley held up a note. I read it. "Dear Mum and Dad," it read. "I've gone. Don't expect me back. No matter what happens, I never meant to cause you pain. Percy."