The Real Story of Harry Potter

Chapter Three: Remus's Secret

It was the defense's turn to call a witness. "The defense would like to call Remus Lupin to the stand," said Hermione.

Remus sat down and folded his hands. He looked even more sick and tired than he usually did, I thought. Oh, if I had known that my stupid book would cause him to break up with Sirius....

"Please state the nature of your cause," said Hermione.

"I think that Ms. Rowling is fully protected by Act 720-A, and I also think that it is within her right as an author to change the story as she sees fit."

"Are you satisfied with Ms. Rowling's portrayal of you?"

"Yes. Of course, it isn't completely accurate, but that's her right."

"No further questions."

McGonagall stood up. "Mr. Lupin, as one of the conditions of being allowed to testify, you have previously sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, correct?"

"Correct," said Remus, starting to look a tad nervous.

"Then you will answer the questions I am about to ask you truthfully."

"Yes."

"Until you moved out last week, was Sirius Black your lover?"

"Yes."

"Did many people know that he was your lover?"

"No."

"Closet case," whispered Hermione. "Oh, I hate to think of where she might go with this one."

Strangely enough, she let it drop and moved on in a different direction.

"When you were in school, did you tell a lie to Professor Dumbledore about the nature of your condition?"

"Which condition would you be referring to?"

"Did you lie to Professor Dumbledore about being a werewolf?"

"Yes."

"Of course you did!" yelled Sirius from the audience. "Just like you had to lie about us. You thought who you really were was far too embarrassing."

"SHUT UP SIRIUS!" screamed Remus.

"I WON'T! I WON'T, BECAUSE I'M TELLING THE TRUTH AND YOU KNOW IT!"

Dumbledore banged the gavel, but it did no good. There seemed to be no way of restraining them.

"YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY ACT 720-A, YOU'RE JUST HIDING BEHIND IT SO NO ONE WILL FIND OUT YOUR SECRET! THIS ISN'T ABOUT HER, IT'S ABOUT YOU!"

"SHUT YOUR BLASTED MOUTH!"

Dumbledore pulled out his wand. "Silencio!"

Both of their mouths kept moving, but no sound was coming out. "That's better," said Dumbledore. "You may continue your questioning, Minerva."

"Are you really a werewolf?"

"No," said Remus, sound coming from his mouth again. Sirius was still furiously shouting without noise.

"Could you please tell us what you are?"

Remus mumbled something.

"Could you repeat that?"

"Awrdksnd."

"I'm sorry, I couldn't..."

"A WERE-DACHSHUND!"

The court roared with laughter. Remus's face went red. "See, this is why I could never tell anyone. People might despise werewolves, but were-dachshunds are another thing altogether."

He looked at me. "Maybe I am selfish, and maybe I'm only testifying to save myself. I honestly don't know. But," he added, looking at Dumbledore, "Ms. Rowling is too good of a person to make others suffer. She would have never changed things about Sirius and me if she knew we would break up. And she IS protected by law."

"You may step down," said Dumbledore.

Chapter Four: Potions Studs and Polyjuice Secrets

McGonagall called Snape as her next witness. A collective female sigh rose from the audience. And indeed, the man walking up the stand was breathtaking.

He had coal-black hair and chiseled, manly features. His robes were a dark green, which brought out the brown of his eyes. "I am a married woman," I told myself, "I am a married woman...."

"Please state your complaint."

"My name is Professor Severus Snape."

Another swoon from the audience.

"Ladies, please control yourselves. I'm upset with the way that J.K. Rowling has portrayed me in her books. Obviously, as you can all see, I'm not ugly, and I wash my hair every day, thank you very much. Her portrayal of me has hurt my image as the four-time cover model of Playwitch, and my career is suffering."

"Oh, get over it," muttered Hermione. "If anything's hurting his Playwitch career, it's the fact that he isn't...how do I put it....particularly well-endowed."

I gave her a suspicious glance.

"Not that I ever look at Playwitch or anything...all right, so I do, but I read it for the articles!"

"Also, my girlfriend broke up with me, and I'm having a hard time finding another one."

A blonde witch in the back of the court stood up. "Severus! What about all those things you said last night?"

"Excuse me," said Snape icily, "do I know you?"

The witch ran out of the courtroom sobbing.

"Professor McGonagall, do you have any questions?" said Dumbledore, exasperated.

"None."

"Miss Granger?"

"No."

"This court will recess until seven A.M. tomorrow morning."

"Hermione!" I hissed. "Aren't you going to ask him any questions?"

"Nothing I ask them is going to do much good. I already brought up the law and I can't exactly contradict their testimony, can I? I mean, it's obvious that Snape isn't ugly and Sirius and Remus were lovers."

"Well, you could be a bit more of a help!"

"Don't worry! When we get to our witnesses, I'll bring out tons of things. I did an all right job with Remus, didn't I?"

"Well, all right. I guess I'll just have to trust you."

"Don't worry, Joanne, they don't have a leg to stand on. In Muggle court this would have been thrown out already. Now come on. We're meeting Harry, Ron, Hagrid, and Remus at the Three Broomsticks to discuss our strategy."

On the way out, I saw Snape in the corner giving autographs to a crowd of eager witches. "Where's the door out?" I asked Hermione.

"I think it's this one. This place is so confusing, I've gotten lost three times already today."

We pulled open a large, elaborately carved door with a brass handle. But it wasn't to the outside.

It was to a large room. Standing in front of us was Dumbledore, leaning over a man who was lying on the floor. Hermione and I exchanged nervous and questioning looks. She put one finger to her lips in a "quiet" gesture, and I nodded.

Suddenly, Dumbledore began to change. His hair and beard were shortening, his nose was straightening out, and he was shrinking. "Wormtail!" he called. "Bring me the Polyjuice Potion!"

Hermione gasped. I clamped my hand over her mouth.

Peter Pettigrew came into the room and handed a goblet to the man. "Here you are, my lord."

"Get me some of his hair."

As we watched, speechless, Pettigrew turned the man on the floor over and pulled out a few hairs. It was Dumbledore. And, as you may have guessed, the other man was none other than He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, You-Know-Who, Tom Marvolo Riddle, Lord Voldemort.