The Real Story of Harry Potter

Chapter One: The Kidnapping

"Chapter Two," I wrote, "The Owl." Oh great! One of my nails is chipped. You can call me a narcissist, but it just BOTHERS me to write when there's this big glaring chip in my nail polish. Just as I stood up to go for the nail polish remover, the phone rang. It was my agent.

"Joanne! I hate to be blunt, but WHERE'S THE BOOK?"

"It's coming, for the last time," I said, trying to decide between magenta and blue polish as I spoke.

"Look, honey, I know you're busy. What with all these signings and appearances and all....but the public's starting to get really restless. If the new movie wasn't coming out, I think they might start a riot or something. And have you read some of the stories on fanfiction.net? They make your characters do the strangest things. Before long, people will have forgotten who your real characters are!"

"I see your point," I said. The manicure would have to wait. I went back to the computer.

"Just keep writing. I'll be in touch. Bye."

"Bye."

I took a deep breath, sat down, and placed my hands on the keyboard.

After what seemed like hours, I opened my eyes again. But I wasn't at my house in Edinburgh anymore. I was sitting in what looked like....a courtroom!?!

"All rise for the honorable Albus Dumbledore," intoned a deep voice. "Court is now is session."

As my eyes adjusted to the light, I realized that a tall man with long white hair was approaching the judge's bench. A queasy feeling came over my stomach. "Wait a second!" I cried. "What is going on here?"

Dumbledore looked at me and answered. "You are on trial, Ms. Rowling, for misrepresenting the wizarding community of Great Britain."

"But I how did I get here?" I asked, now a bit scared.

"Officers from the Ministry of Magic turned your computer into a Portkey while you were on the phone. We figured that it was the easiest way."

"All right," I said, my stomach sinking to my feet, "I admit that I changed a few details, and I'm sorry. But look at all the fame I've gotten you! Millions of children know your names!"

"Our names and false information," said Dumbledore gravely. "But I am only the judge here. Your lawyer will be Miss Hermione Granger. Representing the wizarding community of Great Britain is Professor Minerva McGonagall."

"Wait! You know, I wasn't really expecting all of this. Could I have a few minutes to speak to Miss Granger and prepare some sort of a defense?"

"You have five minutes," said Dumbledore. "Miss Granger is sitting over there."

Wiping the sweat from my brow, I left the stand and walked over to the table Dumbledore was pointing to.

Hermione was sorting through some papers. "Oh, hello," she said. "I know I might not be much of an attorney, but I did help out Hagrid with Buckbeak's case and I've spent loads of time researching in the library for you. You're rather lucky you've got anyone to represent you, most of the wizards are quite angry."

"Look, I know that I changed some things about them," I said. "But I never intended to hurt anyone!"

"I know, I know," said Hermione reassuringly. "Now, we've only got a few minutes. The main people who are angry with you are Snape, Sirius, Filch, Malfoy, and Percy. Testifying for our side are Ron, Harry, Lupin, and Hagrid. I'm going to try and play up the whole 'artistic license' point of view."

"All right," I said. The gavel banged and court came back to order. I walked back to the stand.

"Ms. Rowling," said Dumbledore, "first we will clear up some of the preliminary facts of the case."

"All right."

"On 1996, did you receive owl post from Harry Potter while on a train?"

"Yes."

"And what did this letter say?"

"He said he had a story he was willing to tell me, thought it might make an excellent book. I met with him a week later and he told me the whole story."

"Thank you."

Professor McGonagall stood up. "The prosecution would like to call Sirius Black to the stand."

Chapter Two: Like A Brother

A tall man with long black hair took the stand. "Please state the nature of your complaint," said McGonagall crisply.

"Although Ms. Rowling has accurately reported most things about me, she has neglected one of the fundamental aspects of my character," said Sirius.

"Oh no," I whispered, "not...."

"Ms. Rowling has refused to acknowledge the fact that Remus Lupin is my lover." He turned and glared at me. "What was all that 'like a brother' crap about?"

"Wait a second!" I stood up. "Look, Sirius, I'm really sorry. I'm not homophobic or anything - " he glared at me " - but the public isn't ready for that kind of stuff in a kid's book. I mean, I never wrote that you were straight or anything, I just decided it wasn't essential to the plot."

"You know, any decent author would have written in the snogging scene that happened in the Shrieking Shack," he said, giving me a murderous stare. "I mean, it was a bit of a shock for Harry to see his favorite professor kissing someone he thought killed his parents."

"Well, I left everything else the way it was!"

"That's not the point!"

"I'VE GOT A CHILD TO SUPPORT!" I roared. "DO YOU THINK I WANT TO BE BACK ON THE DOLE AGAIN?" I took a deep breath and tried to relax. "I apologize. I really am sorry. But I've got enough conservative groups after me as it is without adding in gay relationships."

"I thought you were braver than that," said Sirius softly.

"How much do I have to apologize? I've got myself to look after too, you know. Some psycho probably would have killed me!"

"WELL THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE DIED!" bellowed Sirius. Dumbledore banged on the gavel.

"Look, Sirius, if you can't control yourself..."

"Sorry, sir."

McGonagall cleared her throat and gave Dumbledore a look that clearly said she wanted to resume questioning, thank you very much. He nodded.

"Mr. Black, how has Ms. Rowling's misrepresentation affected you?"

"Well, it's caused a huge split between Remus and me. He's testifying for the defense today. He thinks it was her right to do it and I say it falls just short of slander. He moved out last week."

"Oh God," I whispered to Hermione, "I feel like such an idiot! I never wanted them to break up!"

"And Harry's on Remus's side too. Because of this woman, I've lost my lover and things are strained between my godson and I."

I held my head in my hands. "Sirius," I gasped, tears in my eyes, "I am so sorry."

"I'll drop charges," he said, "If you'll go back and correct it."

"I can't do that!"

"Well, then I'm afraid that my testimony stands," he said. Hermione jumped up.

"Are you done now?" she asked McGonagall.

"Yes, Miss Granger, no further questions. I don't suppose you would have some?" asked McGonagall dryly.

"Yes, I do," said Hermione. "Now Sirius," she asked. "What did you think of Ms. Rowling's descriptions of Severus Snape?"

"Inaccurate, but I laughed as I read them," said Sirius. "I mean, she took the vainest man I know and turned him into a hook-nosed, greasy-haired, ugly git."

"Would you agree that her inaccurate descriptions of Severus Snape should be taken out of the books?"

"All right Hermione, you're not so clever that I can't see through this one as easily as Mad-Eye Moony can see through Invisibility Cloaks," said Sirius. "I actually would agree that those misrepresentative descriptions, funny as they were, should be taken out on a matter of principle."

"Are you aware of Article 720-A in the Wizard Protection acts?" Hermione asked.

"Yes, it states that all wizards, witches, and Muggles writing about them should have freedom of speech and artistic license. However, Hermione, are you aware of Article 721-B, which states that inaccurate facts about real people should be either changed to reflect the truth or accompained by a disclaimer at the start? You know, Ms. Rowling, they have those disclaimers on fanfiction.net. And some of those slash fics have got a better grasp on me than you do. Although I quite hated that really long one that had Remus as an opium addict...."

"Are there any further questions, Miss Granger?" asked Dumbledore.

"No."

"You may step down," said Dumbledore to Sirius. Sirius left the standing, mumbling, "Like a brother, my ass," as he walked to his seat.

"I should have known he'd do something like that," said Hermione to me. "I mean, he was clever enough to escape Azkaban, something like this would be a snap."