Ask the DADA Teachers: An Advice Column

Ask the DADA teachers

Dear Prof. Umbridge,

Okay first off your classes are my favorite.

Second I really need some help, I have fallen for some centaurs but everytime I go see them in the forest I get hurt. please help?

A very fallen for Centaur girl or otherwise know as Joulez. ( Sent in by joulez)

Dear A.V.F.F.C.G.O.K.A.J,

You need serious help. Maybe you enjoy pain? Sadist masochism. Yep. Here's what you do. Shag the centaur, then see what the rest of the tribe do. If they hurt you, you will enjoy it. If they kill you, I will enjoy it. Good luck.

Dolores Umbridge

Dear Prof. Lupin,

I think I am in love with a very cute Irish guy, with his sexy disheveled hair and his lovely strong hands and his muscled arms and his-

Anyway.

What shall I do?

Yours sadly...

Kay ( Sent in by scottygirl)

Dear Kay,

You are a girl right? I hope so. Well first thing you do, is befriend him, make him trust you. Then, ask him out with some friends. Then ask him out alone. Then... you decide. Hehehehe. Oh, and I'm not Lupin. I'm... Gilderoy Lockhart! This is how I get my chicks.

G. Lockhart

Dear Remus,

I am so in love with you! Please, meet me at full moon outside the whomping willow!

Love (YOU!),

S.B aka P ( Sent in by iamladyvoldemort)

Dear Sirius or Peter,

I know I am shagalicious, but... I'm not gay. And, on top of it all, you would either be torn apart by Mr.. Werewolf himself or whomped by the willow.

Remus

Dear Moony,

Why are you acting all normal and smart when we KNOW that you're a werewolf, not talking about you late at nights, snogging Snape in the dungeons.

Sincerely,

CuriousRaven ( Sent in by Luvley)

Dear CuriousRaven,

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! You can't tell anyone! He forced me to! I had no choice! I couldn't say no!!!

REMUS ( Not Moony!)

P.S. Hush, hush on the whole werewolf thing, alright?

Dear Professor Lupin,

I am currently fascinated with this werewolf who I see running about every night with a large black dog, and am continually offended because they shag each other till about a few hours before daybreak... I am offended because werewolves are still people, right? and yet, I find it so funny that every once or twice a month, I go up to a window in our dorm and every time I do this, I see them at it... and the next day, my beautiful platinum blonde hair is disheveled and there are bags under my stormy grayish-silverish eyes... what should I do?! oh, yeah, and don't let my father see this because he'll strangle me... literally.... oh, yeah.. and, I am in love with the one person who signifies everything my father is against, muggle-lover and not rich, Ginny Weasley. Once again, you must help me or I'll tell my Daddy on you...

Always,

I Think You Should Already Know Who I Am ( Sent in by Angel99)

Dear I Think You Should Already Know Who I Am,

Shoot. I should be a bit more discrete... I mean, I have no idea who these silly animals might be. If you must, put a charm on you window, to block the sight and noise, or simply DON'T look! You seem to have a need for seeing animals in adult situations. And about Ginny Weasley, your father wants to see you.

Lupin

Dear Prof. Lupin, (so weird to be calling you professor...)

When I was still in Hogwarts two friends of mine are constantly hiding something from me. Of course, I have a shrewd idea but since they're my friends I try to hide it and because I have a fire-breathing dragon for a girlfriend. So anyway, after I died my gory death, I looked down from heaven and, alas, I see them at it. Damn it, Lupin, SIRIUS IS MINE!!! DO

YOU HEAR ME? HE'S DEAD NOW SO HE'S MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! Yes, coming, Lily...

Lots of frickin' love,

Mr.. Prongs

P.S. SIRIUS IS MINE! DAMMIT! ( Sent in by prongsie-poo)

Dear Mr.. Prongs,

Lily wants to see you, dear. Sorry. She can read from heaven. Hehe.

Lupin

Dear Prof. Lupin,

I want you I need you and I can't wait anymore

Sincerely,

Your feisty, furry, friend ( Sent in by duermo)

Dear Y.F.F.F.

This is Alastor Moody. I'll try to pass the message after I stop vomiting.

Prof. Moody

Dear Professor Umbridge,

Are you making the student's lives miserable--I mean, are you properly representing the Ministry of Magic? Also, please meet me for a strictly business *meeting* tomorrow night, the 8th. Don't forget the silky nightgown, I like the green one best, it shows off your sexy toadish stature Amphibians always did turn me on! I mean-- NEVER MIND!!

Love, love, er Sincerely.

Cornelius Fudge, Minister of Magic

P.S. The 8th. 7:30. Don't be late!!! ( Sent in by libraryloverhermione)

Dear Minister,

Sorry. Stupid owl put it in my mailbox. Don't worry! Dogs for me, frogs for you! Have fun. Wink!

Lupin

Dear Cornibaby,

I'll be there. Right... on... the... button. Yes the students are all under my palm... you will be too. This meeting is going to be very long. My nightgown will be there. So will I. We will shag- I mean solve the problem... together.

Dol- I mean Undersecretary Dolores Umbridge

Dear Lockhart,

How do you and Lockhart... you know... snog? You're a cat, and if I remember correctly, a cat is... um... small in areas which are necessary.

-Confused ( Edited by Lupinwolf7 and sent in by Tiger.)

Dear Confused,

I don't understand either, but it leaves her purring!

Lockhart

Dear Professor Lupin,

I am deeply in love with Sirius Black, your best mate (who is not by any circumstances dead! YOU HEAR ME? HE ISN'T!) anyways..... do you think you can hook em up with him? Come on.. please? Or you, I'd be fine with that as well *raises a seductive eyebrow* What do you say ?

Sincerely,

Deeply in love ( Sent in by 1203471304723 Guest.)

Dear Deeply in Love,

See you around seven in the forbidden corridor?

Prof. Quirre- I mean Ron Lupin... I mean Remus! Uhoh...

Dear Deeply in Love,

Hate to get your hopes up, but that was a very deprived of snogs Prof. Quirrell who is trying to hit on MY fans. But I am going to enjoy a very nice dinner of noodles tonight and my week is full. Try looking for Sirius behind the veil. You will die, but you will get your wish. Prof. Quirrell who is dead too, is begging me to tell you that he is a slim male, grey/blue eyes, large purple turban that once concealed Voldemort, and has a passion for knitting. I wish you luck.

Lupin

Dear Professor Lockhart,

I have quite a problem really. You see my love is a professor, but I, myself, am only an aid, a tool, for my master. He loves me, more then anyone I know, but I don't share those same feelings. Never mind the late night strolls around the school and the treats on holidays, I get no pleasure. Now this woman whom I'm attracted to loves me as well, but our love is forbidden. Please Help.

Catty in Love ( Send in by rachel_padfoot)

Dear Mrs.. Norris,

I know it's you! How could you! All of those passionate nights of heart, and physical activity, you go running off with... who knows! Is it... PROF. MCGONAGALL!!! I WILL MURDER HER!!! I am hurt. I though our love was pure!

A Heartbroken Lockhart

Dear Professor Lockhart,

Okay, I really hate writing to you but you are my only hope and besides, you just learned how to write again! I have these two friends who like each other, but they don't know it. There is all this tension between them and they argue constantly, they are driving me crazy! I can do nothing to help them, can you help me?

Sincerely,

The Boy Who Lived Through Detention With You

P.S. I am starting to have feelings for an inanimate object. I love it very much, but it doesn't have feelings so I don't know if it will reject me. We have touched constantly, but I don't know if I am ready to let it know how I feel, besides, what would everyone else think? We go on rides together and we can fly when we are together, what should I do?

Dear The Boy Who Lived Through Detention With You,

Memory Charms! Erase their memories and tell them they are a married couple who were just about to snog! Then leave the room! ( I normally would get some popcorn, but... wait did I just write that? Shield your eyes The Boy Who Lived Through Detention With You!) And about the inanimate object... If you like your relationship has gone far enough tell the broom! If it loves you like you love it, it will not say no! ( I'm sobbing!) Then without hesitation... ride that broomstick! ( Sent in by merkehator)

Lockhart

Dear Professor Quirrell,

I'm practically nonexistent. No one even knows if I'm a boy or a girl. What should I do to stand out a bit more?

Sincerely,

The Young and the Sexless ( Sent in by rachelmalfoy)

Dear The Young and the Sexless,

If you could believe it, I had gender problems too. Here is my tip. If you are a boy, I think you can tell, if you look... never mind. Anyway If you are a boy, dress, act, and speak like a girl. If you are a girl, do vice versa. I was only beat up ten times!

Prof. Quirrell.

P.S. My bad. It was eleven.

Dear Professor Umbridge,

From someone who knows so much about inter-species relationships, I need your help. I am having feelings for an extremely studly aquatic beast with many sexy legs and a beautiful crown and he is called Alfie. But I am in a relationship with a dear, sweet creature who will do anything for me, as long as I do not take away his clothes. I also believe that Alfie is in a relationship with my boss, who is ultimately a more powerful wizard than I, but he is very old. What should I do?

Sincerely,

The amazingly frightening, yet ultra cuddle-able Ducky

P.S. If you do not give me good advice I will force feed you Veritaserum (which I brewed myself, during my particularly boring Hufflepuff class) until you croak like the toad you are. Oh yes, I also am you told look stunning in a green nightgown, and although I am male and wear billowing black cloaks all the time, I wear green dresses, and am also told I look gorgeous in them, and how should I spite those who think so? Especially that Longbottom.... ( Sent in by merkehator)

Dear Ducky,

You are a freak! Who told you I looked hot in a green nightgown... LUPIN!!! DID YOU READ FUDGIE'S LETTER!!!??? And I am sure you do look good in a dress. Tell Dumbledore that that squid is yours and you and your green dress will fright for freedom!

Umbridge

Dear Professor Lockhart,

There's this girl named Cho and I'm madly in love with her but I don't know how to tell her. What do you think I should do?

Sincerely,

Harry ( Sent in by rachelmalfoy)

P.S. How do you keep your hair so perfect? Mine's always messy.

Dear Harry,

I am so glad you asked! I am a sexy little beast and my hair comes with the package. Although your hair can never be nearly as perfect as mine, I will try to send you my special shampoo recipe. Well first you go up to her and smile. It works for me.

A Very Blonde Lockhart

Dear Professor Moody,

There's this Potter guy who won't leave me alone. He keeps smiling at me. How should I handle the situation?

Sincerely,

Cho ( Sent in by rachelmalfoy and added to by Lupinwolf7. Sorry dear.)

Dear Cho,

CONSTANT VIGILANCE! Fight back! He may be a dark wizard!

Moody

Dear Prof. Moody,

Whatever.

Cho (Sent in by Lupinwolf7)