Ask the DADA Teachers: An Advice Column

Ask the DADA Teachers

Dear Prof. Quirrell,

Not to be disrespectful, but aren't you dead?

Sincerely,

Name Withheld (Sent in by tiella)

Dear Name Withheld,

You're right! I've been living ( sob!) Or dying a lie! I am not worthy! I will be an outcast upon all of humanity! I'm dead! I'M DEAD!!! I'M A DEAD ADVICE GIVER!!!

Quirrell

Dear Dumbledore,

Being a Convict on the run, it took me some time to realize just WHO they had cast as me! They could've got me Orlando Bloom, Brad Pitt, heck, I'd even take George Clooney! But NO! They gave me GARY FREAKIN' OLDMAN! Surely I have rights?

Sirius Black

Dear Sirius,

You are abosolutley right! You're hideous! And... Wait! I'm not a DADA Professor! Here's Lockhart.

Dumbledore

Dear Sirius,

I agree! Your teeth! You tattoos! Look what they did to me! I had a HUGE pimple under my lip! My hair was dry, and not shiny! I looked... unstylish! You are hot! Gary Oldman is... NOT! (No, I'm not gay, I wanted to make it rhyme though.) Let's start an angry mob! Lupin? Are you with us?

Lockhart

Dear prof. Lupin,

How dare you let my father know!!!! And what do you mean, you should be more discreet?! Have you gone mad?! And since you are the best and most qualified DADA teacher, would you kindly stop the werewolf and the dog long enough to try and stop them from doing it in front of the Slyth- I mean my windows?! oh, yeah, i forgot to mention... They have taken to doing this in the common room as i was going to get a mug of hot coco from the tap that spouts it provided by my father... i think the wolf's on wolfsbane... does'nt seem dangerous, as they obviously got in by giving the password... and Ginny found out, but she called me an inbred ferret, so how do i get her back? plus, i think potter's trying to flirt with me, and i might like him too... i am scared!!!! HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!

I THINK YOU SHOULD ALREADY KNOW WHO I AM

p.s. TELL DADDY, AND I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU!!!!!!!! AND I SHALL FEED YOU TO SAID WEREWOLF!!!!!! ( Sent in by Angel99)

Dear I THINK YOU SHOULD ALREADY KNOW WHO I AM,

Okay, I came into your dormitory on a full moon night, ( I um... forgot my toothbrush.) And saw no such thing. Only a sleeping you. I think you are having Sirius! ( I mean serious) hallucinations. By the way, I gave Potter a head start on running from you. He wasn't flirting with you, he was trying to figure out the Slytherin password for me from you, which you forgot. I don't think he likes you. And Ginny, she likes inbred ferrets and likes even more being poked with a stick. Oh look! A full moon! Nighty, night.

Lupin

P.S. If you forgot your password, It's "Donut." See you tonight.

Dear Professor Snape,

What would you say to someone who had such a huge crush on you that they bribed Flitwick to put a love charm on you to make you love her after having you be lured to the rendezvous point by another bribed teacher (*cough*Sprout*cough*) and then having you snog and do other things shamelessly than erase your memory? This is hypothetical of course.

Lov- er I mean Sincerely,

Miner-Um, I mean-Curious ( Sent in by Mstar)

Dear Miner-Um, I mean-Curious,

Lucky I snuck in Umbridge's office and found this. I would say that would be bad, because Flitwick just walked in.

(Now X rated) Snape

Dear Professor Lupin,

In Harry Potter's 3rd year, it appeared that you spent WAY too much "quality time" with Mr.. Potter. Do you have special feelings for Harry? Just to let you know, HE'S MINE!!!!!!!!!! Oh, and my friend happens to have a crush on you and if you brake her heart you shall die. Thanks!!!

Sincerely,

I Shall Kill You If You Like Harry And/Or Break My Friend's Heart ( Sent in by Mstar)

Dear PMSing Malfoy,

I know you have special feelings for Harry. LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

Lupin

Dear Professor Moody,

I like TOTALLY dig your freaky eyeball. CAN I BORROW IT PWEESE!!!

Mara ( Sent in by Mstar)

Dear Mara,

No.

Prof. Moody

Dear Remus,

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!?!? One second, me and James were hanging around... snogging girls senseless, you know, the norm,

when all of a sudden, this big flash of a light and a loud KABOOM happened, and we are sitting on our bums in the

Gryffindor Common Room.

Portkey, you say? NOOOO!!! It's too good to be a frigen' portkey! There's this calendar, and it says 1996!!

And then this kid came in, that looked suspiciously like James, and he had one thing: A wand. He cast this spell on these two people (one with bushy brown hair, the other with short red hair), said something to them, then all of a sudden, they started SNOGGING!!

Then he 'bwahahaha-ed' a bit.

So apparently, we're in the FuTuRe, there's this kid that looks like James who's casting all these curses and 'bwahahaha-ing'.

But the main point is:

HOW THE HELL DID YOU BECOME A TEACHER?!?! THIS BROKE OUR PACT!

Sincerely with toast and butter

Sirius and James

P.S.: HOW THE HELL DID YOU BECOME A TEACHER!? (Sent in by Siriuslyfun19212)

Dear Prongs and Padfoot,

You two are supposed to be dead. I MISS YOU!!! I'm sorry I broke the pact! Dumbledore forced me to! I couldn't say no!!!

Emotional Lupin

Dear Professor Dam--Uh, I mean, Dolores Umbridge

I know what you did with Cornelius Fudge... bwahahaha! And I got it on Kodak!

~Colin Creevey (Sent in by Siriuslyfun19212)

Mr.. Creevy,

Well there's a Kodak moment for you- WHAT!? YOU LITTLE--- THE NAUGHTY NURSE THING WAS HIS IDEA!!! I- YOU- GIVE THAT BACK!!! IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE IN MY PHOTO ALBUM UNDER MY DESK, AND THE PASSWORD IS CORN!!! Oh shoot.

Umbridge

Dear Professor Lockhart or whatever,

You're so0o0o fake.... I like that!! Meet me at 8:00 (sharp) pm in the fourth Broom closet to the right on the fifth floor corridor?

~ Fakedy Fake Fake, you're darling, (Sent in by Siriuslyfun19212)

Dear FFFYD,

After losing Mrs.. Norris, I feel no more need for human company. Wait? Will there be PIE? I LOVE pie! See you ( and pie!) then!

Lockhart

Dear Professor Lupin.

I have a crush on this boy, and I don't think he likes me...

I make him angry a lot of the time I'm around him, but I don't mean to.. I'ts just that when he's angry he's eyes are so vivid, so alive, so beautiful. I tick him off just to see his eyes glow, I don't like to insult him, but it's the only way I get him to react, he doesn't smile anymore and when I look into his emerald green eyes I see death inside.

What can I do to make him wake up, from this deadly slumber?

How can I save him from himself?

Sincerely,

A Pale Slytherin... ( Sent by Mia The Vampire)

Dear Malfoy,

WHAT THE HELL!? I KNOW YOU LIKE POTTER!!! WAKE HIM UP BY BITING HIS EAR!!! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

LUPIN!!!

PS Don't put it through the flap while I'm... Hem... "Entertaining"

Dear Professor Moody,

You see, there's this guy that I met last year and we hit it off, even though he was way older than me and had this freaky eye. I sleep with the guy and then I find out that I'm pregnant, so what does he do? Claims that he was locked in his bloody trunk all year and has never seen me before! What should I do?

Sincerely,

A Woman Bearing A Certain Nameless DADA Teacher's Unborn Child

P.S. You'd think with all this CONSTANT VIGILANCE bull you'd think to use a godd*mn contraceptive charm, wouldn't you? YOU STUPID AURORS ARE ALL THE SAME! ( rachelmalfoy )

Dear A Woman Bearing A Certain Nameless DADA Teacher's Unborn Child,

Dang. My bad. I...I...Locked the real Moody in the trunk, drank polyjuice potion to become him, took his eye and leg, and became him so I can assist the Dark Lord in killing Potter. How about child support?

Barti-Moody

PS You believe me...right?

PPS Moody? Who in their right mind would snog Moody? I thought that was when I was off the Polyjuice. Oh well. I guess I have a sparking personality! Remember! "I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell... ( Hums the Matchbox 20 song.)

Dear Professor Lupin,

Is it true that you were secretly having a romantic relationship with Sirius Black & Severus Snape at the same time, with out either of them knowing about the other? If yes, you're a sick & twisted person. However, is Severus good in bed?

Sincerely,

A person ( Sent in by Arwen Radcliffe)

Dear Minerva,

I know you want Snape. Do it somewhere else.

Lupin

Dear Dumbledore,

I am desperate to become a wizard. Please...if you could make me a potion or whatever...please, just name your price, I'll do anything.....ANYTHING! I am terribly jealous of my godforsaken cousin who gets to come here every year and see you! My parents would despise me, so could you make a potion for them, too? I WILL DO ANYTHING, ANYTHING AT ALL, JUST PLEEEEASE!!!!!!!!! PLEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEE!!!

Dudley...umm...Potter, yeah that's right, Dudley Potter ( Sent in by Grey-Eyes)

Dear Dudderkins ( Or Big D),

You threw your turtle out the window. Why would I want you here? I love turtles! Turtles turn me on. How could you!

The Bigger D

Dear Professor Lupin,

Everywhere I turn, boys are crushing on me. Harry, Malfoy, Hermione, Zacharias Smith, Snape....the list goes on. I even think Mrs.. Norris has been sniffing me in unnatural places. What can I do to contain my attractiveness? I'm sick of being sniffed.

Oh, and by the way, I love you.

Luv,

Ginny...(she-who-must-not-be-sniffed) ( siriuslyblack243)

Dear Ginny,

After being crushed on by a student Lupin has fallen ill and I GILDEROY LOCKHART! will be filling in. Dye your hair purple. It's your red hair that turns ME on.

( DID I JUST SAY THAT???)

Gilderoy

PS Mrs. Norris how could you! Our love is like a rose!

Dear Prof. Lupin,

I went out last night and became a vampiress. My friends found out and they are now very mad and scared of me. WHY???????????

Sad Vampiress (VampireGirl53)

Dear VG,

I know already.... Dolores. And what friends? You have no friends.

Lupin

Dear Prof. Moody/Barty Crouch,

Do you ever have any guilt, you know having killed YOUR OWN FATHER?

Love,

Daddy Dearest (thedreamingtree)

Dear Dad,

No. Why?

Sonny

Dear Prof. Quirrell,

I think that is, like, so cool that you have to heads. Do you get twice as much action now?

signed,

a curious little brother (thedreamingtree's little bro)

Dear CLB,

I know. The two heads get me twice as much action! Yes coming Dolores...

Quirrell

Dear Professor Lupin,

I am in a quandary! I went to the lake and gazed in and what do I see? An absolutely gorgeous boy with lovely silky blond hair and sultry grey eyes and perfect pale skin and seashell ears and a cute button nose and a neat little chin and that sweet little way of frowning and reaching towards me and (just between us) a hot pert little a**..

I am madly deeply in love but every time I reach for him he just disappears! I have not left the lake for a week and my love grows ever weaker and lovelorn. Why does my love run from me even as he suffers? What should I do? I don't want him to suffer!

Not-Draco-Malfoy (honestly!) (shiiniigamii)

Dear Malfoy,

Shut up.

Lupin

Dear Professor Lupin,

If you sleep with a werewolf, will you have puppies?

Curiously yours,

Red Riding Hood and the Bookworm rachelmalfoy

Dear RRHBW,

Wanna find out? Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Lock-----Lupin.

Dear Senior Undersecretary Umbridge,

Who'd you shag in order to get that post?

Sincerely,

Crouch's Ex-Personal Assistant Who Is In NO WAY Related To That Muggle-loving, Dumbledore-worshiping Weasley

P.S. I think I'll do Fudge rachelmalfoy

Dear Percy,

Don't you remember dear? It was you!

Umbridge

PS I think I'll do Fudge with you.

Dear Professor Lupin,

I am a very bookish young lady with horrid hair. And I'm madly in love with the studly reserve Scottish Keeper for Puddlemere United. How should I tell him?

Yours,

Anonymous Keeper Lover slytherinrules85

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Professor Lockhart,

I'm an incredibly hot Slytherin male who has the hots for a Gryffindor girl. Yet, every time I see her, I can't stop teasing her. After six years, I thought she'd understand my love, but she hates me! Please tell me how to remedy this.

Sincerely,

Lovesick Slytherin

P.S. My hair has always been slicked down to my head with massive amounts of gel. How can I wash this gel out? I love your hair, what shampoo do you use? slytherinrules85

Dear both people with hair problems,

Get together, do each other's hair than the do each other.

Lupin.

Dear Professor Umbridge,

I am in love with Sev, I know he is like old as but he is seriously hot. All dark and mysterious, with those big hands that would just caress oh so softly and bring me too heights I could never imagine oh Sevvie Sevvie

What should I do cos I want him bad but he doesn't ever look at me because I'm a hufflepuff?

Please help,

Hot for Sevvie

Hot,

If this is Cedric, Voldemort did not kill you!!! He is not back! * Voldemort: Hi Dolores!* * Me: Hello Voldemort* He is NOT back!!! HE'S NOT BACK!!! *Big V: Who's not back?* * Me: You, dear.* And the " Oh Sevvie, Oh Sevvie!" thing, just resort yourself into Slytherin. Then Snape'll do all the thing he does to Malfoy to you. I mean.... I dunno what Snape does to Malfoy. Whistle. Oh that reminds me I'm late for a Fudge appointment.

Umbridge.