Ask the DADA Teachers: An Advice Column

Ask the DADA teachers

Dear Prof. Moody,

When I was walking down the corridor, I saw you and McGonagall go in a closet. So... SHE'S MINE!!!! HANDS OFF FIEND!!!!!! I WILL TASTE THE BLOOD OF REVENGE!!!!!!!!

Yours truly,

Albus.

Dear Dumbledore,

I was not doing anything romantic. I was just putting her under the Imperius Curse in order to help Potter get to the middle of the maze tomorrow so Voldemort can get three drops of blood so he can rise more terrible and powerful than ever.

From,

Barti- I'm mean Alastor Moody

Dear Prof. Moody,

Okay! Just as long as you weren't doing anything romantic!

Dumbledore

Dear Prof. Umbridge,

Have you ever considered plastic surgery? You really need it.

Grossed-Gryffindor

Dear Grossed-Gryffindor,

I like touching my fat and sags. And that is not an advice question! Fifty points from Gryffindor!

Prof. Umbridge

Dear Quirrell,

I was madly in love with my girlfriend's dad. Then when I saw his owl I fell in love with that, and then I fell in love with the following: A chair, myself, Professor Dumbledore, the sorting hat, and Mrs. Weasley. Now I have an angry mob of people mad at me Dumbledore and a chair in the lead. Why?

Malfoy

D-d-dear Malfoy

Y-y-you are a sick f-f-freak. Go to the third f-f-f-f-loor corridor and d-d-d-drink a draft of sl-sl-sleep. That should clean- well, m-m-maybe nor C-C-LEAN you up, b-b-but it will help.

Prof. Quirrell

Dear Lockhart,

I love you.

Mrs. Norris

Dear Mrs.. Norris,

Oh you do!? I love you too! See you in the charms corridor tonight at eight? I'll bring special things....

Lockhart

Dear Prof. Lupin,

I am madly in love with one of the founders. The drawback is he's dead. Should I snog his corpse and get on with my life or continue this passion. ( I've even enclosed a poem.)

Godric, Godric, As I watch the worms crawl through your sockets with no eyes,

I can remember my old boyfriends ( including Seamus who is seeing someone else.) and lies.

I know,

The way to be, the way to eat, the way to drink, the way to digest, the way to go,

You are crumbling from under my leg,

Do you know Meg?

Sure we've had our fights,

While you were being eaten by those annoying termites,

But I love you,

Not the kind of though love that is not true but the kind that is true.

It's good you don't have acne,

But I wish you'd call me Daphne,

I wish to be with you every second, every minute, every hour, every day, every millisecond,

And it's time for my medicine.

Madly in Love with a Corpse ( I don't want you to know my name.)

Dear M.I.L.W.A.C.,

Um... okay? You should concentrate more on your school work that your poem ( Which was really bad) Daphne. That essay on Gumbumles was below my standard. Please take more of that medicine.

Yours Truly,

Prof. Lupin

P.S. If you didn't want me to know your name, don't enclose a poem in which it resides.

Dear Prof. Quirrell,

Many people think that as a dark lord, you must not be in love. But I am! Ever since I saw Dolores Umbridge in the paper, I can't stop thinking about her! Her toadishly wide mouth, her sexily short legs... I am salivating as we speak.

The Dark Lord ( Remember me?)

Dear Dark Lord,

Prof. Quirrell has taken ill, and I ( Dolores Umbridge ) will be looking at his column. Since I refuse to believe you exist, I will not reply. ( Although I am quite sexy...)

Dolores Umbridge

Dear Prof.Umbridge,

Why do you ignore my love!!!???

A Heartbroken Dark Lord