The Many Gruesome Deaths of Severus Snape

Chapter 3: Remus's Story

Now, along with the 'wonderful James Potter' and the 'great Sirius Black,' there was another man who will be among the names of Merlin and Dumbledore for ages to come and be regarded only as a legend. This man's name was Remus Jonathan Lupin and he was not only a great guy and at the top of his class, but he was also very humble and put up with all the compliments and glory that James Potter and Sirius Black heaped upon themselves, hardly ever mentioning his own greatness.

Then why are you mentioning it now?

I said HARDLY ever, Padfoot, which you would know if you were reading the story, instead of being an illiterate idiot.

Hey, that rhymes!

Yes, and it's also alliteration. Now, let me continue, I must finish painting James and Sirius as idiots.

What? What did I do?

You were an arrogant prat in your story and were really redundant which annoyed me.

What? That's no reason to. . . .

Yes, it is. Now, shut up. So, the smart and humble Remus Lupin's best friends were James Potter, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew and they REFUSED to finish their Transfiguration essays and essays for other classes, so, Remus Lupin, being the great person he is, completed the essays for them.

Hey, that only happened ONCE and it was a REALLY boring essay for History of Magic.

If by 'really boring,' you mean the giant wars, then you would be wrong.

Professor Binns can make ANYTHING sound boring, Moony, even bloody giant wars.

Not everything in life is handed to you on a silver platter, you know, Padfoot. Binns ALSO told us how the wizard defended themselves against the giants, so if you're ever attacked by a giant and don't know how to defend yourself, then don't come crying to me!

Ah! We're going to be attacked by giants?!

No, we aren't Peter, and even if we are, we know how to defend ourselves.

And how would that be oh 'wonderful James Potter'?

Hagrid!

And it's more likely that we'll just have this as a question on our OWL's.

I don't think that 'Hagrid' would count, Padfoot. Now, I'm right near the Snivellus part, so will you PLEASE let me get on with this?

Sure thing, Moony.

One day, Remus Lupin was in the library while his three best friends were NOT studying studiously for lack of a better term. "Why aren't you studying?" Remus Lupin reprimanded.

Sirius Black, thinking that this would be a question on the exams, panicked and began riffling furiously through the pages of a thick tome. Peter sat in his seat, screaming "It burns!" and James ran around banging into stuff.

What? How am I supposed to get Lily now?

You aren't. Meanwhile, Lily Evans gazed somewhat pityingly at James Potter, her eyes full of fear for her safety and she left the library, giving Remus Lupin an apologetic glance as she did so.

I am going to KILL you.

Hey, like I said before, what goes around, comes around. Finally, Sirius seemed to find the answer and he looked up from the tome (his nose covered in paper cuts which made it look really ugly) and shouted, "The goblin rebellions of 1893!". Remus Lupin gave him a pitying look (much like Lily did, who obviously liked him).

We are going to. . . .

KILL YOU.

I'll just pretend I didn't hear that. At that moment, Snivellus walked into the library, his hooked nose buried in "Very Advanced Dark Spells," since he was up to his hooked nose in the Dark Arts, although he was even dumber than James Potter and Sirius Black put together and only TRIED to look smart by reading these advanced books.

Thank you!

You're welcome. Now, James Potter and Sirius Black each shared a common hatred of Snivellus and they couldn't resist teasing him, so they went up to him and started teasing him about his hooked nose, greasy hair, and sallow skin, along with the rumor that he was a vampire.

Snivellus's a vampire? Ah!

Since when has that been a rumor?

Since now.

True.

Snivellus would not put up with this, so he began to tease James and Sirius about being arrogant prats and, er . . . REALLY arrogant prats.

The 'smart and humble Remus Lupin' at a loss for words? I'm shocked.

Because not many words can describe you and Prongs except for arrogant prats, Padfoot. Now, James and Sirius fought bravely with just as mean insults of their own, but they were tiring. Plus, the thugs, Crabbe and Goyle had come up and were looking at James and Sirius as if they would make a tasty snack and Peter was screaming at Remus to do something.

Any ordinary man would have panicked at the very thought of this situation, but Remus Lupin was no ordinary man.

He was a werewolf!

True. But Remus Lupin was an EXTRAORDINARY man (and really smart!), so he unfolded his Collapsible Cauldron and made some Shrinking Solution.

A Shrinking Solution? Why not, like. . . .

Poison?

Thank you, Prongs, poison, like something that will KILL Snivellus as this is 'The Many Gruesome DEATHS of Severus Snape,' not 'The Gruesome SHRINKING of Severus Snape'!

I want to do the unexpected. You guys definitely did. I mean, merpeople EATING Snivellus and acromantulas in the forest? Come on!

AND the squid! Plus, the merpeople didn't eat much of him, they only took the good, juicy parts of him which I said weren't too many, if you had bothered to READ it!

And acromantulas DO live in the forest!

Sure they don't. Now, let me get to the gruesome death part. The smart and humble Remus Lupin made a Shrinking Solution and gave it to Snivellus, saying that it was water as his throat must be parched from his battle of words with James Potter and Sirius Black.

And he BELIEVED you? I know he's dumb, but he's not THAT dumb!

This is fantasy, Padfoot, not reality.

Unfortunately.

Yes, very unfortunately. So, Snivellus drank the Shrinking Solution and he shrank.

And you got mad at ME for being redundant. If he drank a SHRINKING Solution, it's obvious he'd shrink, isn't it?

I need to state the obvious for those who aren't as smart as I, like YOU, Prongs. Once Snivellus shrank, James and Sirius looked on in wonder and then ran around, screaming in happiness and banging into things again, while the smart and humble Remus Lupin dealt with Snivellus. With one shoed foot, Remus stepped on and squished the protesting Snivellus (whose voice was VERY tiny and he sounded like a hamster). Remus Lupin then smeared Snivellus around on the floor, like he did when he had gum on his shoe.

Once Crabbe and Goyle saw that this had happened, they ran around, banging into still more stuff and making a lot more noise. Finally, they were Stunned by Madam Pince for making a disruption in the library and hospitalized in St. Mungo's for their craziness, though they always swore, even years from that time that the smart and humble Remus Lupin had killed their friend, but no one believed them, because Remus Lupin was such a great guy.

Gummy Snivellus? AWESOME!

Ew, that's GROSS!

So then what happened, Moony?

Well, once the smart and humble Remus Lupin had squished the evil Snivellus enough he stepped off him to reveal a small spot on the floor and he then went back to studying. Filch came by a little while later and mopped it up and Remus Lupin could hear only a feeble squeak from the spot, but Filch thought that it was James Potter and Sirius Black teasing him, so he gave them detention and they stayed tied in their strange detention contest. Oh, yeah, and the smart and humble Remus Lupin got Os on all of his OWL's and became Minister of Magic later on in life because he was such a smart and humble guy, plus James Potter, Sirius Black, and Peter Pettigrew got other important positions, such as making sure that all people named Snivellus were exterminated.

Well said, well said!