The Many Gruesome Deaths of Severus Snape

Chapter 4: Peter's Story

Um . . . I'm not really sure how to start my story, I'm not as good a writer as the 'wonderful James Potter,' the 'great Sirius Black,' and the 'smart and humble Remus Lupin,' so I guess I'll just start by introducing myself like they did. My name is Peter, henceforth to be referred to as, er . . . 'average Peter.'

Wormtail, you're supposed to speak of yourself in the third person.

What?

You know, referring to yourself as 'average Peter,' instead of 'I' or 'me.'

Oh. OK, so 'average Peter. . . .'

And stop with the quotation marks.

Sorry. Average Peter had three best friends, who were much, MUCH better than him, their names were James Potter, who was great at Quidditch, Sirius Black, who got all the hot girls, and Remus Lupin, who was REALLY smart and I . . . I mean 'average Peter,' wouldn't be surprised if Remus Lupin got all O's on his OWL's.

I like this already.

My sentiments exactly, Padfoot.

You're allowed to make fun of us, Wormtail, you know, make us seem like arrogant, idiotic prats.

Nah, that way's harder, because this is how things ACTUALLY are.

But what about Snivellus's death?

That's different, that's Snivellus.

Thank you, Wormtail.

No problem. As I was saying, one day, average Peter and his three friends were in Charms class and were trying to Silence some ravens.

That's pretty dull, don't you think?

Give him a break, Padfoot. Ours started out dull, too.

Um . . . thanks Moony. So, we . . . I mean, they, were all trying to Silence some ravens, but, unfortunately, the ravens would not be Silenced, they kept on cawing and cawing, it was enough to drive anyone mad, and it drove average Peter mad so that he started shouting incoherent words at the raven he was trying to Silence, telling it to "shut up!".

Now you're getting the hang of it.

Yeah, I guess. So, where was I again?

The ravens.

Thanks, Prongs. Average Peter got really annoyed at the raven's cawing, only wonderful James Potter, great Sirius Black, and smart and humble Remus Lupin kept their cool and they told Professor Flitwick to cast a charm on the raven to shut it up, which he did.

That's not much of a story, you know. It has to have a climax and stuff.

Huh?

You know, like something that the whole story builds up to. How about, Professor Flitwick was out and the substitute didn't know how to cast the Silencing Charm on the raven, so the Marauders turned to their own devious devices, involving. . . .

Cheese!

Cheese?

Why, cheese, Wormtail?

Oh, sorry. I just found some in my bag and I'm hungry for it right now. Sorry, it involves Snivellus, right, Moony?

Yes, you scared me there for a moment. Go on and write. Here's the quill.

Thanks. However, Professor Flitwick had to leave at the last moment and he had a substitute who was a Squib and didn't know magic. So, the smart and humble Remus Lupin tried to cast a spell on it but average Peter, being the strange person he was, screamed a random spell at the raven before Remus Lupin could say anything.

Since when have you been quicker at spells than Remus?

Keyword - fiction, Padfoot, it's not real.

I know, that, but. . . .

But what? What's your point?

It doesn't make sense!

And acromantulas living in the forest DOES make sense?

Yes, it does, because they do! I've seen them!

Sure you haven't.

Um, guys? Can I continue now?

Sure. Go ahead, Wormtail.

Thanks, Moony. So, once average Peter cast the spell on the raven, it began to swell, because Peter had accidentally cast a Swelling Spell on it, instead.

Makes sense.

Unlike yours, Prongs.

Stop it, you two, and let Peter write! You're using up all the ink.

Sorry, Wormtail.

Yeah, mate, sorry.

It's alright. Once the raven began to swell, it um . . . swelled up so fast that none of the Marauders could cast a countercharm (even the smart and humble Remus Lupin), and it finally began to let off noises like a bomb about to explode. All the other ravens flew out of the classroom and so did all the students, except for Snivellus, who was so dumb that he hadn't even noticed and his unfortunate raven was grasped firmly in his hand as he struggled to Silence it. The smart and humble (and really nice!) Remus Lupin warned him to stop, by shouting, "Snivellus, stop! The room's about to explode!", but Snivellus didn't listen.

Thanks, Wormtail!

No problem.

But why did Moony of all people call Snape 'Snivellus,' right to his face?

Padfoot, has nothing of what I said to you, sunk through your thick skull? This is FICTION!

Anyway, Snivellus didn't listen so the Marauders gave him up as a hopeless case and quickly saved his raven by a Summoning Charm and ran out the door of the classroom with the raven in hand. Snivellus stared after them in wonder, wondering why they had taken the raven (which was his only friend, since the unicorn had abandoned him).

The Marauders ran down the hall for a bit and only a little while after they reached the end of the corridor, the room exploded. The Marauders decided to go and check the room, to see if the raven was safe (since who cares about Snivellus?).

Well said!

Thanks. So, the wonderful James Potter went first, then the great Sirius Black, then the smart and humble Remus Lupin, and, finally, average Peter. They crept to the door of the classroom and saw black feathers all over the room as the Swelling raven had popped. Then, as the smoke cleared they saw Snivelly's body, covered in soot and parts of him were scorched with raven feathers all over him, and it looked really funny. Average Peter went up to Snivellus and started laughing hysterically at him then and all the Marauders joined in, laughing and kicking at Snivellus's body.

Um . . . wouldn't we lose a lot of House Points because of this?

It's FICTION, Moony!

No, let me explain it. The Heads of Houses and Dumbledore all ran up because they had heard the explosion and they all stared from the Marauders, to Snape's body, to the alive raven that had flown to a ceiling rafter. Then, they all started clapping and gave the Marauders fifty points apiece.

Awesome!

The Marauders all wondered WHY they were getting all these points and Dumbledore explained that the raven that had been blown up was the Raven of Power, which was made by You-Know-Who, and, if You-Know-Who got the Raven of Power, he explained, he could use it to control everyone and bring Darkness over the land once more. The only way to get rid of that threat forever would be to destroy the Raven of Power, and none of them had an idea of how to do that, but average Peter had come up with the great idea of swelling and blowing it up with a Swelling Spell and all of the other Marauders had participated, so they all got fifty points apiece. He asked if the Marauders understood, and they all nodded, just knowing that they had won the House Championship, and not really caring about the Raven of Power. Oh, yeah, and Snivellus was dead and they had saved the world from being overcome by Darkness. And that was how Snivellus died.

Wow, that was amazing, Wormtail.

Where'd you get that Raven of Power idea? It's awesome!

Yeah, yours made a lot more sense than ours.

Thanks, guys. I think I'm going to cry!

Oh, come on! Stop being a wuss!

OK, you REALLY just ruined the moment, Padfoot.

So, did they all live happily ever after?

Yup, and, let's just say that you married Lily Evans, too and had a son named Reginald.

Reginald? How about Harry?

Dude, that's an AWESOME name!