The Many Gruesome Deaths of Severus Snape

Chapter 2: Sirius's Story

Once there was a wizard named Sirius Black. However, he was no ordinary wizard, he was reborn from the ashes like a phoenix, because of his evil, pure-blood family who all hated him and loved his little brother, Regulus, who was a sickening prat and who was put in Slytherin and who is also friends with Snivellus now.

This young wizard also had three best friends, actually, more like servants who were not even near his wonderfulness and bowed before his greatness, most particularly, James Potter.

Hey!

I TOLD you I'd get you back, Prongs. As I was saying, James Potter in particular worshipped Sirius, he bowed before him and cleaned Sirius's shoes with his own spit like a house-elf. Am I rubbing it in enough?

Let's get this over with.

My sentiments exactly, Prongs. Is it just me or have I mentioned a Transfiguration essay and if we don't get it done, McGonagall will hex us into oblivion?

It must be you. Then, there was Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew, though not QUITE as devoted as James, they were pretty close. In fact, sometimes, they would even have contests on who could be the most dedicated slave. Sirius Black did not want all this attention, of course, but they insisted.

Padfoot, if you say ONE MORE WORD about my undying obedience, I will not rest until I've learned the Curse of the Bogies and used it on you.

Count me in on that, Prongs.

Got it, Moony.

Spoil-sports, but, fine, I'll get on with it, I just need a second to think of what utterly painful death I could give Snivellus.

Well, in the meantime, let's work on that essay. . . .

NO! I've got it!

But I don't want to be hexed by McGonagall!

We can beat her in a duel anytime, anywhere, Peter, don't worry.

. . . .

Don't worry, Moony, we'll get it done. Now, where was I? Ah, was it James's undying obedience?

Curse of the Bogies. . . .

Fine, fine, I get it! Well, one day, the handsome Sirius Black and his three friends were walking down to the Forbidden Forest for Care of Magical Creatures class. The four met Professor Kettleburn, an old, crazy wizard there, who was speaking very rapidly and in a squeaky voice, making him sound kind of creepy.

The man's just excited about the topic.

A bit TOO excited if you ask me, Moony. And have you noticed that the guy's robes have lace on them?

And?

He's gay, Wormtail.

What's wrong with being happy?

OK, then, let's just get on with it.

But what's wrong with it?

Nothing, now let Sirius get on with his story.

So that we can finish the essay.

Stop it with the essay, Moony! So, Professor Kettleburn had decided to show Sirius and . . . the others, unicorns today. He thought it was a fun topic and so did James, Remus, and Peter. They all clapped their hands and said, "Yay!" in high-pitched, squeaky voices.

Hey! I am NOT gay!

No one said you were. Stop finding such inappropriate, suggestive meaning in such tiny things, Prongs. Oh, yeah, and they all had lace and flowers on their robes.

Padfoot! Do you know what could happen if a teacher saw this?

We'd all get another detention and I'm one ahead of you, Prongs!

No, what about that one I got from Professor Sprout for teasing the Venomous Tentacula?

That doesn't count! That was only for two minutes!

Five! I counted!

How about you two tied? I don't know why you have a contest about the number of detentions you get anyway, though. It's crazy.

Fine, we're tied right now. So, James, Remus, and Peter all went up to the unicorn and started petting it.

I thought we discussed this. I am NOT about to be PETTING a unicorn!

Fine. When Sirius's three friends saw that the great and handsome Sirius wasn't petting the unicorn, they decided not to.

Grr. . . .

What goes around comes around.

Thank you, Moony.

And for doing this to me, I'll make sure to do something like this to you.

What? Haven't you ever heard of the Golden Rule?

Haven't you?

Why, that's just beside the point.

How?

Oh, and now you're all ganging up on me - even Peter! Grr! I am SO going to get you guys back for this on the next full moon.

So will you get on with this so that. . . .

I KNOW about the essay, Moony.

I was actually going to say so that I could get to my story.

Whatever. OK, so all four of the friends were not petting the unicorn and then Snivellus came up and he was all by himself because he had no friends, they had all ditched him. He decided to try and make friends with the unicorn and went up to it and started petting it (and he also had black lace on his robes). The unicorn did not like Snivellus, it liked Professor Kettleburn, so it went over to Kettleburn. Snivellus got really sad but no one felt sorry for him because no one likes Snivellus - even unicorns.

Then, Snivellus became REALLY depressed because he knew that he had no friends and he went to the great Sirius Black, desperately seeking his advice. He knelt by the great Sirius Black and said, "Oh, great Sirius Black! I have no friends! May I be one of your friends? Please?"

However, the subservient James Potter would not tolerate this. "No way!" he said. "You are not fit even to wipe the dog crap off the shoes of the great Sirius Black! Only I, the great yet subservient James Potter may do THAT!"

Curse of the Bogies. . . .

What goes around comes around, Prongs.

And the same goes for you when it's Moony's turn.

Just get on with it, Padfoot. We've discussed this already.

Fine, fine. So, Snivellus begged and begged, but the great Sirius Black would not allow Snivellus to become one of his friends. Finally, Snivellus gave up, in tears and cried woefully. "If no one will love me in this world, perhaps they will in the other world!" He then ran into the Forbidden Forest.

What?

I REALLY don't get it.

Well, maybe if you'd waited for me to finish the story. Anyway, Snivellus ran into the Forbidden Forest and next second came charging out, followed by a herd of angry acromantulas.

Acromantulas? Since when have acromantulas lived in the Forest?

How do you know they don't?

That's true.

Ah, you guys are scaring me! Will they come and attack us?

No, because acromantulas don't live there.

Well, for the purposes of this story they do, so that Snivellus can have a proper gruesome death.

That's kind of like an oxymoron, you know. How can someone have a proper death if it's gruesome?

An oxymoron? Huh?

You guys are morons for not knowing what an oxymoron is. Ha, ha!

That wasn't even funny, you know, Peter.

Yeah, it was actually kind of stupid.

That's mean of you guys, you know. And you ARE morons, an oxymoron is two words that contradict each other, like 'parting is such sweet sorrow' in 'Romeo and Juliet.'

Who?

Never mind.

Ooh! Is Juliet your girlfriend?

NO, Wormtail. I don't HAVE a girlfriend.

And I can understand why.

Just get on with it and stop discussing my love life.

Fine. Snivellus was not able to outrun the angry acromantulas (for they were angry since he had disturbed their webs), and they grabbed onto him with their pincers and chopped his head off with their teeth. Then, they hung his head on this wooden stake and planted it right near the perimeter of the Forbidden Forest to warn anyone who came in. Oh, yeah, and the rest of Snivellus's body, they tore into a million pieces and gave to the unicorn.

And the unicorn ATE it?

Chopped-up Snivellus does NOT sound good.

No, the unicorn didn't eat it. It buried the pieces and then walked away which made Professor Kettleburn cry, because the unicorn was his only friend. Then, the great Sirius Black made friends with the head acromantula, but he sent the ever-obedient James Potter ahead first to make a truce, along with Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew.

It's almost my turn, you know.

I'm enjoying this while I can, Moony. They made a truce and the great Sirius Black thanked them in their spider language saying, "thank you, you have ridded us of a great evil. How can we ever repay you?"

The spider answered in its clacking language and Sirius Black, who along with being a handsome guy, was also an acromantula-language translator realized that it said, in no uncertain terms, "you have already done us a great favor by speaking to us, oh, great Sirius Black. Thank you for honoring us with your presence, we will name all our children 'Sirius,' now."

The great Sirius Black answered, "thank you for your kindness, yet my friends have helped as well. You should also name your children James, Remus, and Peter."

But the spider answered, "no, thank you. They are losers and do not know the spider-language. Goodbye." The great Sirius Black could not protest and the spiders left, leaving the four friends alone and for James to clean Snivellus's blood off of Sirius's shoes. Basically, they all lived happily ever after.

What goes around comes around, you know, Padfoot.

Indeed.