The Many Gruesome Deaths of Severus Snape

Chapter 1: James's Story

Once there was a big, black nothingness on what we call Earth. Oh . . . people were alive, certainly, but they weren't ALIVE, they were not living like normal, cool people do. Instead, they were just going around, saying they were bored. Everyone was unhappy and depressed, until . . . on December 2, 1959, a boy named James Alexander Potter was born! The world had begun! Everyone was happy and er . . . un-depressed and were rejoicing in the streets, because James Potter had been born!

When he was eleven years old, James Potter went to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and what a difference he made there! Albus Dumbledore, the prestigious headmaster said he had never had such a good, nay, GREAT pupil!

Prongs, is this the story of your life or Snivellus's death?

Fine, Padfoot. I will end my life story right here and get on with Snivelly's death.

Finally.

Shut up, Sirius. Anyway, when the boy wonder, James Potter was born there was also a boy that was NOT a wonder for lack of a better term. HIS name was Severus Snape, henceforth to be referred to as Snivellus or Snivelly. He had greasy, black hair and a long, hooked nose, along with ugly, sallow skin. He was VERY ugly and thought that he could get this pretty girl, Lily Evans when she is MINE! LILY IS MY ONE TRUE LOVE!

Stop pitying yourself and get on with it, Prongs.

I agree with Moony.

You guys are such insensitive jerks.

Well, we're supposed to write OUR stories, too, you know.

And we have a Transfiguration essay that we should work on after this.

Yet another reason to take a long time.

Get on with it!

Fine, fine. Snivellus was an ugly git and no one liked him except for other ugly Slytherins (who only kind of put up with him in the first place). So . . . one day the wonderful James and his mediocre friend, Sirius Black were playing Quidditch.

Hey! You wait until I get to MY story. I'll show you as this idiotic prat!

I need to 'get on with it,' according to Moony, Padfoot, so shut up and let me write the story. So, where was I?

The Quidditch, tell about the Quidditch!

Ah, yes, the Quidditch. Thank you, Wormtail. As I was saying before I was so RUDELY interrupted, James and Sirius were playing Quidditch when Snivelly came up with some other idiot Slytherins, Lucius Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle (what are their first names?), and Narcissa (is it just me, or does it look like she has dung under her nose?).

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

So, Narcissa looks like she has dung under her nose. Snivelly came up to us and started hurling insults at us, that we were the worst Quidditch team in the world and all. The insults were like Bludgers hitting you in the back of the head and having your guts spurt out of your nose.

Of course you couldn't just leave it at 'Bludgers hitting you.'

Not really.

Ew, that's GROSS!

Will you let the man get on with this? It's my story next, you know.

Thank you, Sirius. Of course all this jeering was all too much for Sirius and he ran off the field, sobbing.

Grr. . . .

Hey, I have to 'get on with this,' Padfoot.

How could Sirius run off the field if you were flying?

Fine. Sirius FLEW off the field. Happy?

Yes.

However, the wonderful James Potter would not put up with these blatant insults, and, upon seeing his best friend in hysterical tears, he took out his wand and hexed Snivellus, so that his already large nose grew to huge proportions. And his already greasy hair became so greasy that it was plastered to his scalp (and he had a lot of dandruff). And his already sallow skin became so pale that it, er . . . looked really ugly.

You know, you're not really supposed to start sentences with 'and.'

AND you're not supposed to keep interrupting, Moony. Then, the terrific James Potter hexed Snivelly again and he turned upside-down, so that his long, even more pale legs showed and it looked really ugly. Oh, yeah, and his graying underwear showed and that was really ugly, too.

Meanwhile, the beautiful and great Lily Evans was watching and gazing adoringly at the wonderful James Potter.

I knew this would turn into a love story with you and Evans.

Well, it's going to happen, Padfoot and you know it.

I'm sure.

Stop with the sarcasm! So . . . the wonderful James Potter then bound the ugly Snivellus with ropes.

Well, what else were you supposed to bind him with?

You're worse than McGonagall, Moony. Fine, so the wonderful James Potter bound Snivellus and attached the ropes to his broom. Then, he called up the giant squid and the merpeople who he was particularly friendly with.

Yeah, after they rescued you from drowning in third year when you were showing off in front of Evans.

No, I am friends with the merpeople and the squid because I saved them from utter extinction when I rescued them from an evil grindylow.

But you nearly drowned trying to catch it and the squid caught it and ate it, anyway.

Fine. I am friends with the merpeople because of a . . . mishap in the lake when they rescued me and I felt that I should return the favor. So, I shouted to the merpeople in their native language ("draw your spears, this man is evil!"), and of course they listened to my every command and they drew their spears. The squid, who is always ready for a meal, opened it's mouth and I unbound Snivellus who was unable to make a sound in his fear at my glory!

Your glory?

How about you just cast a Silencing Charm on him?

That definitely works.

What? I can't even have any glory in this?

You've had more than enough.

Fine. He was actually silent because I cast a Silencing Charm on him at the last moment but he THOUGHT that it was because of my glory.

You need a good Head-Deflation Charm, Prongs.

Shut up, Moony, and all you little people who don' t understand my glory! Snivellus fell, silenced into the spears of the merpeople and it skewered him, killing him.

That's a bit redundant, don't you think? I mean, the title of this is 'The Many Gruesome DEATHS of Severus Snape,' and it also says that the spears skewered him, which meant they probably killed him.

Welcome to the Department of Redundancy Department.

Huh? I don't get it!

I'll explain it later, Wormtail. Anyway, Snape was killed and the merpeople chopped him up and took the good, juicy parts of him home (which weren't too many), and the squid ate up the rest, so the evil Snivellus was DEAD! All the Slytherins ran away, crying and Sirius stopped with his sobbing and began dancing happily. All the chics backed away from him, looking scared at his hysterical joy.

OK, I'm DEFINITELY getting you back in my story.

I'm sure you will. Then, the beautiful Lily Evans turned to the wonderful James Potter and she realized how wrong she had been about him all these years. He was not an arrogant prat. . . .

He was a REALLY arrogant prat.

NO, Padfoot, she realized that James Potter was a wonderful young man, a great student, a funny person, and a REALLY handsome guy. So she said, "Oh, James! I love you, I can't believe I didn't realize it before, you're such a wonderful young man, a great student, a funny person, and a REALLY handsome guy. Will you be my boyfriend and marry me once we leave Hogwarts?"

I can understand why Muggles don't believe in this world. It really is fantasy.

It is NOT fantasy, Padfoot. It's soon to be reality. Now, let me finish this. So, James Potter said, "Of course, Lily! I know I am a wonderful young man, a great student, a funny person, and a REALLY handsome guy, so of course I will be your boyfriend and marry you once we leave Hogwarts!"

Yet more redundancy.

Thanks for spoiling the moment, Moony. So, he gave her a passionate kiss which she returned with gusto, and they lived happily ever after with James as a wonderful young man, a great student, a funny person, and a REALLY, REALLY handsome guy!