Random Conversations

Chapter 11: Penguins in a Bathtub

It is said by wise people that for a teenager to admit that their parents are right is the hardest thing in the world. That is true. I know you may be surprised that, as the weird person I am, I did not contradict this statement with something random. So, if you are hyperventilating or about to have a heart-attack, please relax, because I don't want to lose readers this early in the chapter.

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, yeah, how hard it is for teenagers to admit their parents are right. You see, it is a hard thing, especially in this case. I hope you remember in Chapter 10, when I was having a disagreement with Teenage Lupin about how my plan to make the Marauders and Snape acquaintances who put up with each other was working well or not. Then, Dad came in and said that Lupin was an EVIL WEREWOLF and that he would attack my mind if I got him angry again. I dismissed it with my usual sarcastic statement, but for once, my deprived father was right!

You see, at the end of Chapter 10, Lupin told me I was wallowing (yet again), and I had an argument with him after the chapter ended about whether I was wallowing or not which I cut out, and you will understand why in a moment. After a while, I got so fed up with Lupin saying I was wallowing (when I was not!), that I threatened to write in an extremely painful death for him and that was a little too much for Lupin, so he got mad at me and . . . guess what? attacked my mind. Plus, there was a lot of violence and blood spillage (or describing of blood spillage by me), so if I had put it in, it would have had to be rated R, instead of PG-13, and if I had rated it PG-13, it would have been 'inappropriate for class.' Sorry, if you don't understand that part, it's an inside joke, and I put a note about it at the bottom.

Dad: Ha! I told you he was an evil werewolf. Now you should join AWMBE!"

Me: *winces* "Ouch, don't shout. My brain is still tender."

Dad: "Well, werewolves are evil."

Lupin: "Are not."

Dad: "Are too."

Lupin: "Are not."

Greyback: "You're an idiot, Lupin. The point of werewolves is to be evil. Don't you understand physics?"

Dad: "Wait, are you an evil werewolf?" *suspenseful music plays*

Greyback: "Yup."

Dad: "But you don't like Lupin?"

Greyback: "Basically."

Dad: "AWESOME!"

Magorian: "Totally."

Greyback: "Hey, let's study PHYSICS together!"

Dad: "And destroy all almonds."

Greyback: "Plus, we can have pet moths!"

Dad: "You like moths?" *heavenly music plays*

Me: "No heavenly music, please! We had enough of that in the last chapter."

Dad: *sigh* "Fine." *music that isn't heavenly plays*

Greyback: "Yeah, I do like moths. I have a pet moth named Dustox."

Keenan: "Oh, my God. You like Pokemon, too?"

Greyback: "Yeah! Did you capture Moltres?"

Keenan: *sigh* "No, not yet."

Dumbledore: "I captured Moltres."

Fawkes: "No, you didn't, fool. I may be a phoenix, but my name isn't Moltres, it's Fawkes."

Dumbledore: "What about Bob?"

Me: "Bob?"

Fawkes: "Why would my name be Bob?"

Dumbledore: "Larry? Steve?"

Fawkes: "Okay, this is just getting stupid, I'm leaving."

Dumbledore: *sigh* "Fine. I'll capture Latios instead. Go, Torchic!" *Torchic appears*

Keenan: "You think Torchic can defeat a strong Pokemon like Latios? It's obvious you should use Mightyena."

Greyback: "Yay for wolves!"

Dumbledore: "I don't have Mightyena. I only have bird-type Pokemon."

Greyback: "I do. Go, Mightyena!" *Mightyena appears*

Ash: "Are you challenging me?"

Greyback: "Yes, I'm the Pokemaster of the Magical Gym."

Misty: "The Magical Gym? Oh, no!"

Brock: "You have to beat Greyback, Ash, so you can be the best Pokemaster EVER!"

Me: Does Greyback have ADD or something? He totally forgot about capturing Latios.

Lupin: "All werewolves have ADD, Liz."

Me: "One of the things that Jo forgot to mention?"

Lupin: "Wait, what did you say?"

Ash: "You're right. Go, Pikachu!" *Pikachu appears*

Misty: "Go, Staryu!" *Staryu appears*

Brock: "Go, Onyx!" *Onyx appears*

Keenan: "Hey, you guys can't all challenge Greyback at once! That's not fair!"

Misty: "How about a three-on-three battle, then?"

All: "That works."

Keenan: "Go, Zigzagoon!" *Zigzagoon appears*

Dumbledore: "Go, Bob!" *cricket-cricket, worm-worm*

There is a very uncomfortable pause.

Dumbledore: *clears throat* "Go, Bob!" *cricket-cricket, worm-worm*

Fawkes: "My name is Fawkes, you idiot! And I'm not a Pokemon!"

Dumbledore: "Go, Fawkes!"

Fawkes: "Why do I even bother?" *Fawkes appears*

Me: "Now, what?"

Ash: "Now . . . we play."

Ron: "That's my line!"

Ash: "Who said so, pal? Charizard, attack him!" *Charizard runs after Ron*

Ron: "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! A Hungarian Horntail!" *runs away*

Hermione: "That is why I love you, Viktor. You're so sweet and brave."

Viktor: "I know, my sweet Hermy-own-ninny."

Cho: "What about me, Vicky?"

Viktor: "Um . . . twenty-four!"

Hermione: "What?! You like Cho, still?! I hate you!" *slaps Viktor and storms out*

Keenan: "Yes, Hermione is single now! Yes! Oh, Liz. . . ."

Me: *sigh* "I know, Keenan, but you're going to have to give me $10 for this."

Keenan: "What, $10? Why not $9?"

Me: "Why did you go down one dollar?"

Keenan: "It's from Full House. I love that show!"

Me: *face-palm*

Misty: "Um . . . can we battle now?"

Ash: "So that I can defeat Greyback, the Magical Gym leader and be the best Pokemaster there ever was!" *the Pokemon theme song plays*

Greyback: "Don't bet on it. Mightyena, attack!" *Mightyena attacks*

There are roars and random sounds of attacking. Note: To those of you expecting a big action scene, I'm sorry, because I can't write big action scenes, I'm VERY bad at it.

Dumbledore: "Larry is victorious!"

Fawkes: "It's Fawkes, you idiot!"

Dumbledore: "I am not an idiot! This is just the way Liz depicted me!"

Me: "Yeah! Wait a sec . . . did I just support Dumbledore when I want the people to be intellectual? I'm confused now!"

Sirius: "And we all know that it doesn't take much to do that!"

Keenan: *laughs* "Good one, Sirius."

Me: "Shut up, both of you! You're so annoying!"

Keenan: "Ha, ha!"

Me: "And Keenan, if you don't shut up, I won't hook you up with Hermione!"

Keenan: "Well, it isn't my fault that you made Dumbledore an idiot in this chapter."

Me: "Yes, it is."

Keenan: "No, it isn't."

Me: "Yes, it is."

Keenan: "No, it isn't."

Lupin: *sigh* "You guys are as bad as us and Snape. Liz, why is it Keenan's fault?"

Me: "No psychology, please!"

James: "You did it enough on us."

Lupin: "So. . . .?"

Me: *sigh* "It's the second law of Random Conversations. When Keenan is in the story, Dumbledore must act like an idiot, otherwise, the chapter will be pointless."

Lupin: "All the chapters have been pointless."

Sirius: "And that law doesn't even make sense."

Me: "Does anything in this fic make sense? Does the world make sense? Does life make sense?"

Sirius: "You're going all philosophical on me, Liz. Stop it!"

Me: "Who's confused now, Sirius Lee Black? Hmm?"

Sirius: "Well, it isn't my fault that I had to take the state-testing."

Me: "Why did you have to take the state-testing? You're not even in school!"

Sirius: "Dumbledore made me do it for Draco when he was still smart."

Draco: "Are you calling me stupid?"

Sirius: "No, I'm talking about Dumbledore."

Crabbe: "But you are pretty stupid, Draco."

Goyle: *snorts* "Yeah, even stupider than us."

Draco: "Why me? Why, why, why?"

Dumbledore: "I'm not stupid though, either!"

Fawkes: "Sure you aren't."

Dumbledore: "Shut up, Steve."

Fawkes: *sigh*

Aberforth: "There has to be some way to cure this stupidity."

Lupin: "There is!"

Fawkes: "Let me guess, more extensive reading?"

Lupin: "Well, yes."

Aberforth: "Red balloons won't work."

Lupin: "How'd you know what I was thinking?"

Aberforth: "Because I am Aberforth!" *fanfare of trumpets*

Dumbledore: "Hey, that's my catchphrase!"

Aberforth: "Well, now it's mine! Mwahaha!"

Dumbledore: "Er . . . goats?"

Keenan: "I know!"

Hermione: "What?"

Keenan: *drools*

Hermione: "Keenan? What is it?"

Keenan: "Ha, ha, ha." *drools again*

Me: "Keenan, snap out of it!" *hits Keenan on the back of the head*

Keenan: "Ow!"

Hermione: "What?"

Keenan: "Oh, my sweet Hermione, Aberforth and Dumbledore have somehow switched brains due to a Switching Spell, that is why Dumbledore is talking about goats, because Aberforth performed illegal charms on a goat which was revealed in Goblet of Fire, Rita Skeeter's Scoop. So, all we have to do is do another Switching Spell on them!"

Hermione: "You're so smart. How'd you know that?"

Keenan: "Um. . . ." *whispers into a microphone* "Muggle Girl, how'd I know that."

Muggle Girl: "Er . . . the power of almonds!"

Guy: "YAY, ALMONDS!"

Muggle Girl: "YAY, ALMONDS!"

Keenan: "Er . . . the power of almonds?"

Hermione: "You got that from Guy and Muggle Girl, didn't you?"

Keenan: "Well, yeah."

Hermione: "What? I can't believe you, Keenan! I thought you liked me, but now I can see that you're in love with Muggle Girl!"

Keenan: "What?!"

Guy: "You're in love with Muggle Girl? No way, she's mine!"

Muggle Girl: "Ew, Keenan's in love with me?! Ew!" *runs out wailing*

Guy: "I hate you, Keenan!" *smacks Keenan and runs after Muggle Girl*

Hermione: "I hate you, too, Keenan!" *smacks Keenan and wails*

Keenan: "No one loves me!"

Ron: "Want a doughnut?" *hands Keenan a doughnut* "Ahhhhhhhhh!" *runs away from Charizard*

Keenan: "Sure!" *starts playing with the doughnut*

Doughnut (Hermione): "Oh, I love you Keenan!"

Keenan: *brings doughnut to his face and starts kissing it*

Doughnut: "Why are you kissing me? I'm taken!" *rolls away with another doughnut*

Keenan: *wails* "No one loves me!"

Peter: "No one loves me either!"

Me: "Yup."

Dumbledore: "What's happening? Goats!"

Aberforth: *moans* "Can someone perform the Switching Spell, please?"

Hermione: "Took you a while to ask." *performs the Switching Spell*

Aberforth: "Bob, you're back!"

Fawkes: "Ahhhhhhhhhhh!" *flies off*

Dumbledore: "I'm smart again! Yay!"

Neville: "Ahhhhhhhhhhh, my ears are on a cactus!"

Luna: "It's better than having your ears be kumquats, isn't it?"

Neville: "I guess."

Luna: "But I'm hungry for a kumquat, so I'll turn your ears into them." *turns Neville's ears into kumquats* "Yum!"

Neville: "Ahhhhhhhhhhh!" *runs out*

Me: "What was that unnecessary interruption about?"

Dumbledore: "You wrote it in."

Draco: "Dumby's right, you know."

Dumbledore: "Don't call me Dumby!"

Keenan: "Stop, Dumbledore, you're my only hope!"

Dumbledore: "What are you talking about?"

Keenan: "You, mini-man. Taking on the jellies, you have serious thrill issues, dude."

Me: "Why are you quoting from Finding Nemo?"

Keenan: "It's awesome, dude!"

Magorian: "Totally." *plays the guitar*

Oldman: "Remember, the debut of Totally Magorian is next chapter!"

Random English Teacher: "A narrative hook, yay!"

Me: "What are you doing here, ? Hey, why can't I say your name?"

Random English Teacher: "Security issues, Miss Grass."

Me: "Whatever."

Keenan: "Stop going off on tangents, I need to get back together with Hermione!"

Me: "As if you don't."

Sirius: "Shut up, Liz."

Me: "Hey, why are you sticking up for Keenan?"

Sirius: "Because we both annoy you and he's awesome."

Keenan: "Ha, ha!"

Me: "Is that the only line you say when you're with Sirius?"

Keenan: "Shut up, Liz."

Me: "Or that."

Keenan: "Shut up, Liz."

Me: "Urgh!"

Sirius: "Hey, let's form an Annoy Liz Club!"

Keenan: "Yeah. Ha, ha!"

Me: "What was your reason for saying 'Ha, ha!' that time?"

Keenan: "I don't know."

Me: *roll eyes* "Now, I just won't hook you up with Hermione, because you're being so annoying."

Keenan: "You can't hold that over me anymore, Liz."

Dumbledore: "I have the power now! Mwahaha!"

Aberforth: "Goats! I want to marry a goat!"

Peter: "Well, too bad, bud. I'm marrying a goat because I want it to share my medical benefits, whereas, you do not have medical benefits for your goat wife to share. All you do is run a smelly pub in Hogsmeade."

Goat: "No, I love Aberforth and I will help him get medical benefits!" *runs off with Aberforth*

Peter: "NO!!! No one loves me!"

Fleur: "I love you, Peter."

Peter: "Yay! I love you too, Fleur, my flower." *whispers* "That's what Fleur means in French."

Me: "See, this is educational, for all you teachers out there!"

Cho: "Hey!"

Peter: "That's what you get, Cho!" *stomps foot*

Me: "Ow, stupid foot-stompers."

Keenan: "No more tangents, please. I need to hook up with Hermione!"

Ron: "No way! Hermy is mine!"

Rosmerta: "But what about me, Ron?"

Ron: "Um. . . ."

Charizard: "Come back here, you!"

Ron: "Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now!" *runs out*

Keenan: "Ha, ha!"

Sirius: "Hey, I had to say something before you can say, 'Ha, ha!'."

Keenan: "Well, that's the third law of Random Conversations."

Me: "What new law now?"

Keenan: "Freedom of speech! Blah, blah, blah! I can say what I want!"

Guy: "Freedom of speech is awesome!"

Firenze: "Dude."

Parvati: *romantic sigh* "He's so dreamy."

Hermione: "He's a horse."

Parvati: "A centaur, which is a big difference. Centaurs are part human and part horse, beautiful horse."

Umbridge: "They are half-breeds!"

Herd of Random Centaurs: "We are not half-breeds, toad-woman!"

Hagrid: "And I'm not either!" *turns Umbridge into a half-toad, half-kumquat with his pink umbrella*

Luna: "Mmm, kumquats!"

Umbridge: "Ahhhhhhhhh!" *hops away*

Rita: "Wow, the half-breed just changed a Ministry of Magic representative into a toad! Wasn't he expelled and isn't supposed to have his wand? I can see the headline now: Rubeus Hagrid, Violent Half-Giant of Hogwarts Does Magic."

Bozo: "Loving it, Rita!"

Muggle Girl: "And for ethics in newspapers! Hagrid isn't violent, he's a kind, loving half-giant man."

Rita: "Is he like a father substitute for you, Muggle Girl?"

Muggle Girl: "Father substitute? He isn't even my father!"

Rita: "Say whatever you want if it makes you feel better." *mumbles* "Headline: Rubeus Hagrid-Father to a Muggle Child?."

Muggle Girl: "Urgh! You horrible, unscrupulous woman! You have no ethics!"

Guy: "Yeah, you should read our newspaper that I generated on my computer!"

Me: "You guys write a newspaper?"

Guy: "Yeah, it's really great. It's called the Random Conversations Quarterly."

Random English Teacher: "And I do the editing."

Me: "Er. . . ."

Lupin: "Sounds good."

Keenan: "Wait, I have just had this great idea!"

Dumbledore: "What?"

Keenan: "Why don't Guy and Muggle Girl write something for Hermione, like a romantic poem or something that I can give to her?"

Guy: "I don't write poetry, but I am a romantic at heart!"

Muggle Girl: "Oh, Guy!" *swoons*

Guy: "For you, my dear!" *gives Muggle Girl a diamond ring*

Muggle Girl: "Oh!"

Guy and Muggle Girl walk off into the sunset.

Lily: "That was so sweet!"

Keenan: *pouts* "Why can't I do that with Hermione?"

Me: "Keenan, you want to do more than just that with Hermione."

Keenan: "That's true, I do."

Ginny: "I have an idea for a poem. How about, her eyes are as green as a fresh-pickled toad, her hair is as dark as a blackboard. . . ."

Harry: "Hey, that was a poem for me in Chamber of Secrets."

Victoria: *snaps at Harry* "Don't forget that you're married to me, Harry Potter!"
Me: "And that doesn't even sound like it would be talking about Hermione."

Keenan: "What if we dyed her hair black and put green contacts in her eyes?"

Harry: "And why didn't they do that for me? It clearly shows that I have blue eyes in the Prisoner of Azkaban movie. Blue eyes! Why couldn't they just put in green contacts, I ask you?"

Sirius: "Do not insult Cuaron's genius, Harry."

Keenan: "Shut up, both of you. I need to get with Hermione by the end of this chapter!"

Hermione: "And why am I not being asked about this? I am not a prize to be won!"

Me: "Why are you quoting from Aladdin?"

Keenan: "Leave her alone, Liz. She is quoting from Aladdin just as I quoted from Finding Nemo. Hey, 'Mione, how about we discuss Disney movies over a soda, or something?"

Hermione: "NO! I will not love someone who loves another! Especially if that person happens to be a Muggle!"

Guy: "I hate you, Keenan! Muggle Girl is mine, mwahaha!" *smacks Keenan*

Hermione: "See?" *wails*

Keenan: "But I don't love Muggle Girl!"

Hermione: *sniff* "And now you're a liar, too, Keenan! I wouldn't marry you even if you were the last penguin on Earth!"

Keenan: "I'm not a penguin, though."

Ron: "How do you know? Maybe you're a penguin that was Transfigured into a human!"

Greyback: "You know, that actually makes sense."

Me: "It does?"

Greyback: "It does if you understand physics!"

Me: "So I won't understand it. I don't study physics until next year."

Lupin: "Wait, I have an even better idea! Maybe Keenan and a penguin had a Switching Spell put on them, so that Keenan has a penguin's brain now!"

Me: "That would explain his stupidity."

Galadriel Waters: "And it would also explain why Lupin is James Potter!"

James: "What? That doesn't even make sense!"

Lupin: "Why would I be James?"

James: "And why would I be Lupin?"

Galadriel Waters: "It's kind of obvious, Jo's dropped a bunch of hints about it throughout the books."

Me: "Yeah, but she also put it on her website that James and Lupin did not use a Switching Spell."

James: "Yeah. I wouldn't just leave my wife and son to die!"

Harry: "I didn't die."

James: "Well, how was I supposed to know that? I thought that Voldemort would kill all of you."

Voldemort: "Avada Kedavra!"

Harry dies.

Lily: "NO!"

James: "What can we do? There has to be some way to save him. Voldemort, how about you. . . .?"

Voldemort: "No, it has taken me forever to kill Harry and now he's dead. Mwahaha!" *disappears with a poof*

Victoria: "NO!"

Hermione: "I never told him how much he meant to me." *sniff*

Ron: "What?! But you're married to me, Hermione!"

Hermione: "Yeah, but we've been with a bunch of different people and Harry was still my first love."

Lupin: "Wait, I have an idea!"

Dumbledore: *sigh* "More extensive reading?"

Lupin: "Well, yeah."

Dumbledore: "It won't work."

Lupin: "How do you know?"

Dumbledore: "Because I am Dumbledore!" *fanfare of trumpets*

Lupin: "I know it will work though!"

Dumbledore: "How?"

Lupin: "Because I am Remus J. Lupin!"

Me: "Okay, that was kind of repetitive."

Sirius: "Everything in this is repetitive. Like all the lines that you have people say, like 'I've never been more insulted in my life!' is used a couple billion times."

Me: "Well, it's true for a lot of people."

Dad: "And a lot of the people who say it are just plain overdramatic."

Dumbledore: "I am not overdramatic!"

Dad: "Ahhhhhhhhhhh!" *runs away with Dumbledore close behind*

James: "So what's your idea, Lupin?"

Lupin: "Okay, I got this from a joke book."

Sirius: "Is it, 'why did the chicken use the toilet?'."

Lupin: *sigh* "No. It's a joke about penguins in a bathtub."

Lily: "How will that make Harry alive?"

Lupin: "Isn't it obvious?"

Hermione: "Er . . . no."

Lupin: *sigh* "It's a hard joke to figure out so that Harry will be so overcome with trying to figure it out that he will become alive again, because his dead body wants to know the answer. Duh!" *cricket-cricket, worm-worm*

Lily: "Um. . . ."

Sirius: "Yeah. . . ."

James: "Okay. . . ."

Keenan: "That's a great idea, Lupin!"

Lupin: "Thanks, Keenan! So, there are three penguins in a bathtub, right? And the first penguin he drops the soap and he asks the second penguin to pick it up. The second penguin says, 'what do I look like a radio, pal?,' and the third penguin says nothing." *laughs hysterically*

Sirius: "Ha, ha, ha! That is so funny!"

James: *whispers* "Do you even understand it?"

Sirius: "No, but I'm laughing to seem smart."

Me: Even though you aren't?

Sirius: "I heard that, Liz!"

Lily: "Um. . . ."

Lupin: "Don't you get it?"

Me: "I do! It's so funny!"

All: "Huh?"

Harry: "I don't get it!"

James: "Oh my God, it actually worked!"

Hermione: "My first love!" *gives Harry a passionate kiss*

Me: "That's my Harry!"

Keenan: "Find a happy place, find a happy place!"

Hermione: "And the person who helped save my first love!"

Lupin: *blushes* "It was nothing, really. . . ."

Hermione: "Keenan!" *gives Keenan a passionate kiss*

Keenan: "Ha, ha, ha!" *nearly faints*

Lupin: "But . . . but Keenan didn't do anything! It's me you should be thanking." *mumbles* "Preferably in the same way."

Hermione: *sigh* "Duh, Lupin, I thought you were intelligent. Keenan believed in you when no one else would. He is honest and kind and a great person altogether."

Ron: "Where's the real Hermy?"

Hermione: "This is me, Ronnie, only I'm with my true love, Keenan, now!"

Keenan: *drools*

Ron: "I can see why."

Hermione: "What? Do not be rude to him, Ron!" *tries to slap Ron but Ron ducks*

Ron: "Ha, ha, you missed me!"

Charizard: *blows fire at him*

Ron: "Ow!!!" *runs away with his butt steaming*

Hermione: "The battle is won, you may remove your helmet, Sir Keenan."

Me: "What is it with all these quotes from movies? That's from Shrek."

Keenan: "I don't have a helmet."

Hermione: "Oh, right, let's just go right to the kissing part, then."

Keenan: *happy shriek*

Keenan and Hermione ride Charizard into the sunset.

Harry: "What's the answer to the penguin joke?"

Me: So much for a romantic ending.

Sirius: "You shouldn't have gotten your hopes up, Liz."

Lupin: "I will not tell you! That is only a secret for me to know! Mwahaha!"

Me: "Actually, I know, too."

Lupin: *sigh* "Thanks for ruining the dramatic effect, Liz. That is only a secret for Liz and I to know. Mwahaha!" *vanishes with a poof*

Harry: "NO!!!"

Lupin: "Well, it's probably going to be revealed in the footer notes, anyway."

Me: "Urgh! You just spoiled the dramatic effect, again!"

Sirius: "Dramatic effect?"