Random Conversations

Chapter 10: Wallowing

From this moment on, I have decided to make the intro. a kind of diary of what's happening in the world outside Harry Potter (oh-the horror!). Unless, of course, nothing interesting is happening in the outside world (which is quite often), then I'll put in something random and put this 'diary' in a few random chapters when something interesting is happening.

At the moment, I am writing this in my notebook and I will copy it over to my computer. Why am I writing this in a notebook? you may ask, when I have a perfectly capable and nice computer. Nice computer, very nice computer! Sorry, but I have to do this, so my computer doesn't decide to be mean (don't worry, you're still a nice computer!) and decide to be unresponsive when I try and open the file for Random Conversations on it. And if you think I'm crazy, I also yell at my printer and my floppy disk (which I obviously offended in some way, for it decided to delete some of Chapter 9 yesterday). Well, what else would you expect from a girl who has conversations with Harry Potter characters in her head? I am hoping you would not expect her to be normal, because I am not normal, I am crazy. Mwahaha!

Okay, I'm going off on a major tangent now. What was I talking about? Oh, yeah, what I'm doing at the moment. Well, I'm obviously writing this but the background noise is listening to a soccer game at the YMCA between the Crocodiles (which my sister plays on and I have no idea why they're called the Crocodiles when their uniforms are red), and the yellow team-I'm not sure what their name is and I'm too lazy to ask. I play soccer too, and my game is at 3:00 and it's 1:27 now, so approximately an hour-and-a-half more until I am publicly humiliated. You see, I'm really bad at soccer, but it's a way to lose weight, so I stick with it until it ends in around a month. Our team is called the Dolphins (why? I have no idea), but personally I'd rather be a Chaser on the Gryffindor Quidditch Team (which is the House I'd probably be in-that, or Ravenclaw).

McGonagall: "Tryouts for the Gryffindor Quidditch team will be held on the first Friday of the term, if you would like to join, Miss Grass."

Me: "How am I supposed to join the Gryffindor Quidditch team if I'm not even a student at Hogwarts?"

Dumbledore: "You can picture it in your mind's eye, can't you?"

Me: "Yeah, but that can only go so far. I can't bring myself to play Quidditch in my mind. I can only hear you guys and I can only see and interact with you during dreams, but I doubt that Harry would hold Quidditch practice at 10:30 at night."

Trelawney: "My dear, use your Inner Eye to play Quidditch."

McGonagall: "And how, my dear Sibyll could Miss Grass seeing the future help her play Quidditch?"

Trelawney: "I don't know, but I'll think of something. Mwahaha!"

Harry: "Is she having another vision, Professor?"

Dumbledore: "No, Harry, that's just Professor Trelawney being her usual weird self."

Harry: "I see."

Sirius: "But can you see why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch?"

Me: "Er . . . what does this have to do with the topic?"

Sirius: "I don't know but I'll think of something. Mwahaha! So do you know why?"

Harry: "Because it has lightning-bolt swirls?"

Sirius: *rolls eyes* "Yeah right, Harry. It's because there are cinnamon swirls in every bite! A healthy part of this complete breakfast."

Harry: "I see."

Sirius: "Yeah, right."

Oldman: "Cinnamon Toast Crunch, the taste you can see!"

Ron: "What the bloody hell was that all about?"

Sirius: "It's the newest commercial for Cinnamon Toast Crunch."

Oldman: "The taste you can see!"

Magorian: "Totally."

Hermione: "How can Cinnamon Toast Crunch be healthy if it's loaded with sugar and cinnamon?"

Me: "Yeah, I've wondered the same thing. I mean, how can Cookie Crisp and Cocoa Puffs be considered healthy?"

Sammy: "Welcome to corporate England, Liz."

Chuck: "All the companies care about is making money. They don't care how obese they make everyone."

Sammy: "Haven't you ever seen Supersize Me?"

Me: "Yes, actually. It was very illuminating . . . but then I got bored and wrote more of this."

Both: *roll eyes*

Victoria: "You know, Sirius, instead of making a mutant circus of these two, you should advertise how smart they are."

Sirius: "No, no one wants to hear about smart kids, they want to hear about how weird they are and how mutant they can be."

Sammy: "So basically, Grandpa . . ."

Chuck: "You're giving people the information on us . . ."

Sammy: "And aren't having them think anything out for themselves?"

Sirius: "I'm glad you figured it out so quickly."

Hermione: "Honestly, Sirius, you and Harry are dumbing down the UK so much."

Guy: "Definitely."

Sirius: "You should talk, it's you that comes up with these pointless cures. I mean, almonds instead of coffee? Come on!"

Guy: *pouts* "I thought you liked coffee."

Sirius: "Well, I don't anymore. Moths are what's hot now, not almonds."

Oldman: "And coffee!"

Me: Oh, God.

Sirius: "Yeah, and coffee. But not gross black coffee without cream or sugar."

Dad: "Hey, that type's good!"

Sirius: "No, it isn't."

Dad: "Yes, it is."

Sirius: "Isn't."

Dad: "Is."

Oldman: "Is."

Dad: "Isn't."

Oldman: "Ha, ha, I made you say it isn't good."

Hermione: "But didn't you just say black coffee without cream or sugar is good?"

Oldman: "Not anymore, that was just to trick Dad."

Dad: "I've never been more insulted in my life!" *wails and runs out*

Guy: "So do you like almond coffee?"

Sirius: *rolls eyes* 'No. I like that stuff that they sell at Dunkin Donuts now that's basically sugar, with the name latte attached to it."

Oldman: "Yeah, that stuff makes you HYPER!"

Me: Oh, please God, no.

Sirius: "Oh, yeah!"

Oldman: "Hey, let's go get some now!"

Me: Good, at least you'll leave.

James: "Don't worry, I already got some. Here."

Me: And even those feeble hopes are dashed on the spiny rocks of fate. Whoa, I like that line, I should write poetry. I'm a poet and I don't even know it, tee hee.

Sirius: "How did you know?"

James: "I'm a man of many talents."

Lupin: "Hey, that's my line in Searching for Dawn."

James: "Well, it's mine now. Mwahaha!"

Lupin: *growls*

Sirius: "Here, Moony, mate, have some latte."

Lupin: "Isn't that coffee?"

Sirius: "No, it's basically a bunch of sugar with the name latte on it."

Lupin: "Cool."

Me: "Don't do it, Lupin. You're my only hope!"

Lupin: *drinks latte in slow-motion*

Me: "Noooooooooooooooooo! My only hope! Wait, Guy, what do you think of this?"

Guy: *eye twitches*

Me: "Guy?"

Guy: *mouth opens*

Me: "Er . . . Guy?"

Guy: "Sirius, I thought we were friends. You don't even like almonds, anymore?"

Sirius: "Nope."

Guy: What about you, Oldman?"

Oldman: "Nope, I never really liked almonds in the first place."

Guy: "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I have never been more insulted in my life, I thought we were friends Sirius, but now I see that I am mistaken."

Snape: "How could you be so insensitive, Sirius?"

Harry: "You should talk! You're insensitive to me every day."

Sirius: "Plus, you killed Dumbledore, and that's the epitome of insensitiveness."

Snape: "I did not kill Dumbledore!"

James: "But you did Snivellus."

Snape: "Don't call me that, Black."

Sirius: "Wait a sec, I'm Black."

James: "And I'm Potter."

Snape: "Stupid typos. Don't call me that, Potter."

James: "I can call you whatever I want, Snivelly."

Snape: *screech*

Me: "What's that?"

Lupin: "A bat."

Me: "Whoa, Snape's a vampire?"

Lupin: "Yeah. Jo dropped a bunch of hints about it throughout the books. Wasn't it kind of obvious?"

Me: "Not really."

Sirius: *barks*

James: *changes into a stag and I'm not sure what sound a stag makes*

The three start fighting and there are a bunch of random animal noises.

Lupin: *rolls eyes* "This is really getting annoying."

Hermione: "Then why don't you stop it? That's what a good prefect would do."

Lupin: "Because I'm wallowing in passivity and self-doubt." *wails*

Me: "Whoa, and you told me to stop wallowing in my self-pity?"

Lupin: *sniff* "Because I didn't want you to make the same mistake as me, Liz."

Me: "Whatever, I'll save my emotional upheaval at this statement for another time."

Hermione: "Why are there elephant trumpeting noises coming from those three's fighting when none of them is an elephant?"

Dumbledore: "Because that's what happens in cartoons, it shows that there is a lot of fighting going on."

Me: "I was going to say that it was random noises because that's the title of this fic, but that explanation makes more sense."

Harry: "But this isn't a cartoon, Professor."

Dumbledore: *sigh* "I know, Harry, but that's what Liz decided to do, so that we could have yet another pointless discussion about this before we get to the real point."

Hermione: "And then we'll have a few other pointless discussions during our discussion of the point and a pointless ending."

Me: "What? You guys think I enjoy when you do this?"

All: "Yes."

Me: "Alright, I do, but it's for the benefit of the readers. I mean, they can't just have a dry and dull conversation without randomness in it. Everyone needs randomness in their life!"

Sammy: "Plus, no one would read it."

Chuck: "Corporate England, once more."

Sammy: "Well, corporate America in your case."

Chuck: "No offense."

Me: "None taken."

Hermione: "So basically, you put in random scenes to get people to read this?"

Me: "Yeah, basically. But this also leads to the point."

Victoria: "That being?"

Me: "The Marauders and Snape becoming friends."

James, Sirius, and Snape: "WHAT?!"

Lily: "I think that's a great idea, Liz."

Me: "A voice of reason. Yay!"

James: "Lily, how can you think that? This is Snivellus, Snivelly, Severus Snape, the slimy, greasy-haired git who we went to Hogwarts with."

Sirius: "And now, Liz, being the crazy person that she is, is asking us to become friends with him!"

Me: "Well, maybe I wouldn't be so crazy if I didn't have you in my head, Sirius."

Sirius: "Shut up."

Me: "No, you shut up."

Sirius: "No, you shut up."

Snape: "Shut up, both of you and let me make a point! Liz, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?"

Lily: "It makes sense, Severus."

James: "Since when have you called Snape, Severus, Lily?"

Lily: *blushes* "Well, er. . . ."

Snape: "Shut up, you filthy Mudblood."

Lily: "Well, it does, Severus. And as an added bonus, if you become friends, that way you would be nicer to Harry when he came to Hogwarts. It could change the future!"

Snape: "Yet another reason for me not to like it."

Lupin: "I like the idea, too."

Me: "Yay! Another voice of reason."

James: "Moony, you're crazy. I am not going to become friends with Snivellus."

Me: "How about acquaintances that put up with each other? That's what is says in the summary."

James: "Not even that."

Sirius: "No way, Jose."

Snape: "Once again, Liz, you are out of your mind."

Me: Hmm . . . wait a sec, intelligent thought. "Hey, you guys can be two people, the teenage you and the adult you. Plus, Sirius can be three people. That would satisfy your pathological need for attention, wouldn't it?"

Oldman: "Wait, can't I be a teenager, too? That way Sirius can be four people."

Me: "No, because I don't know what you were like as a teenager and I don't want to make you sound dumb."

James: "And you definitely haven't done that already."

Me: "Yeah, I . . . wait, that's sarcasm, isn't it?"

Sirius: "Bit slow, today?"

Me: "Yes, I am a bit slow, today, Sirius Lee Black! My brain has just been melted and is spewing out my ears from the Math state-testing and MY BRAIN HURTS!!! IT BURNS TO THINK OF MY BRAIN HURTING! IT BURNS TO THINK OF ANYTHING! Ahhhhhhhhh!"

Harry: "Whoa, you must really hate it."

Me: "YES, I DO! WHOEVER INVENTED THE STATE-TESTING SHOULD DIE A VERY PAINFUL DEATH, INVOLVING STARVING BLAST-ENDED SKREWTS AND A THREE-HEADED DOG!"

Sirius: "Oh, so you just want to relax and do something totally mindless, such as writing this fic."

Me: "Basically, but it's kind of hard when you guys are forcing me to think after my brain's been thoroughly fried by pointless questions, that we'll never, ever use in the 'real world.'"

Lupin: "Like what?"

Me: "Great, now you're asking me for examples. Can't you people see that my brain has just been fried?"

James: "Oh, just wallow in your self-pity some more, Liz. We'd all love to hear it."

Me: "STOP IT! It's too hard to realize whether you're being sarcastic or not. My brain is literally thumping with trying to."

Lupin: "Well, then give us an example."

Guy: "I used to be a lawyer. I could help you with your case against state-testing. In fact, why don't you make a petition against it at your school?"

Me: "No, I'm too busy wallowing, wallow, wallow, wallow. Whoa, try saying that five times fast."

Fred: "Hey, that's our line."

George: "We say it when McGonagall's giving the Gryffindors dance lessons in Goblet of Fire."

Fred: "Except it's something else. . . ."

George: "That we can't remember."

Me: *rolls eyes* "Hey, I think that my brain is un-melting."

Hermione: "You mean solidifying?"

Me: "Whatever, my brain is un-melting, I'm getting smarter. Yay!"

James: "Or as smart as you can get in this fic."

Sirius: "Which is for geniuses only. Sorry, idiots out there who are reading this."

Me: "Ah, ha! That is sarcasm. I'm getting smarter by the minute, in fact, by the second, no the millisecond, no, the thingy that's even shorter than a millisecond!"

Hermione: *rolls eyes*

Me: "In fact, I think I'm smart enough to give an example of a pointless problem, right now!"

Guy: "So. . . .?"

Me: "Hmm, oh, yeah, this one has no relevance to everyday life whatsoever, and I think that the people just put it there because they enjoy torturing high-school juniors."

Lupin: "Stop wallowing and tell us already!"

Me: "Okay, fine, I was just trying to build the suspense."
Hermione: "Suspense?"

Me: "Okay, the pointlessness so that the people reading this get excited."

Sirius: "Excited?"

Me: "Okay, I can't think of the right word! I'll just tell you the problem."

James: "Finally."

Me: "It's a spinner game that has these two girls - Carol and Alba playing it at the fair and you had to multiply the numbers you got from the two spinners and if they equal between 10 and 50, you get a stuffed animal or whatever."

Harry: "How is that irrelevant?"

Me: "YOU DON'T REALIZE IT?!"

Harry: "Er . . . no."

Me: "Ahhhhhhhhh! First of all, who would name their daughter, Alba? ALBA?! That is one of the ugliest names I have ever heard in my life, it sounds like Alpha. You might as well call her Wolf!"

Lupin: "And do you have something against wolves?"

Ginny: "I'm surprised at you, Liz, you were the founder of SPHW, too, and now you're prejudiced against wolves?"

Me: "I have nothing against wolves! But the name Alba is so weird!"

Sirius: "If you're trying to make a point, Liz, it's not working."

Me: "I'm not finished. Second of all, why would these two play a game where you have to do math? Why didn't they just play something else, so I didn't have to do the stupid problem?"

Harry: "Er. . . ."

Me: "Because they enjoy torturing us, that's why. These Carol and Alba girls must be working for the Superintendent of Schools to create pointless questions about the probability of a spinner!"

Moody: "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!"

Me: "Thank you, Moody. And what type of idiots would have a discussion about whether the probability they would win a prize was 50% or higher in the game?"

Harry: "Is that a rhetorical question?"

Dumbledore: "Yes, a question that's not meant to be answered."

Me: "GET OUT, DUMBLEDORE. CAN'T YOU SEE I'M WALLOWING?"

Sirius: "Ah, so you admit it."

Me: "Yes, I am wallowing."

Dumbledore: "Why?"

Me: "Because of the EVIL STATE-TESTING!"

Harry: "Ha, ha, I don't have to do state-testing."

Dumbledore: "Yes, you do Harry. You only answered Question #1 on it, though."

Me: "HA!"

Harry: "No . . . er, that was Malfoy's test."

Dumbledore: "Draco!"

Draco: "Yes, Professor?"

Dumbledore: "You did not finish your state testing. Now, the school governors will think that I don't teach you properly."

Hermione: "But I thought you went off and got a Muggle job."

Dumbledore: "I'm still looking, but everyone still thinks I'm too strange. But I will persevere!"

Voldemort: "There is still hope!"

Dad: "There is always hope."

Dumbledore: "I am not overdramatic!" *runs after Dad with a frying pan*

Dad: "Ahhhhhhhhhhh! I don't have any ashtrays!" *runs away*

Me: "And do you know what the seniors did while I was forced to do pointless problems about kids named Carol and Alba?"

Lupin: *groan* "You mean that interruption didn't stop you in your wallowing?"

Me: "No, and I am not wallowing now. I'm making a point."

Sirius: *mumbles* "Are too."

Me: "Shut up, Sirius. And do you know what the seniors watched?"

James: "No, we don't, but, more importantly, do we care?"

Me: "Yes, you do!"

Sirius: "You're right, Liz, we do care. We really care about your corrupt and unjust high-school, so go ahead and wallow all you want."

Me: "Sirius, I knew you cared!"

Sirius: *face-palm*

Me: "Oh . . . that was sarcasm, wasn't it?"

Sirius: "Bit slow?"

Me: "STOP IT! MY BRAIN IS BURNING AGAIN!"

Lupin: "So, can you get on with the point, because now we're really off topic and you'll end up making this chapter even longer than the last one."

Me: *pouts* "Insensitive jerk."

Lupin: "You're wallowing again."

Me: "Are not."

Lupin: "Are too."

Me: "Are not."

Lupin: "Are too."

Me: *pouts and scowls* "Fine. Now I won't tell you why I'm wallowing."

Lupin: "I already know why, anyway."

Me: *rolls eyes* "What, then?"

Lupin: "You're wallowing because you were stuck in a classroom with a bunch of other miserable and wallowing juniors while the seniors watched Goblet of Fire."

Me: "How'd you. . . .?"

Lupin: "I was in your mind when you were talking to your mom on the phone and when you were e-mailing your friend about your corrupt and unjust high-school. And I do not like the wallowing werewolf."

Me: "Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Can't I have a moment's privacy?"

Sirius: "No."

Me: "GET OUT!" fjkdfjkly984739743rujelfjdd3j4$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$43j437r837483urf $j3rj3krjekjrkejfkd789738473438478374ffjakejkj$$$$$$$$$4434@@@@@@@@@221jk4j3 *whispers* "Are you still there?"

Sirius: "Hi!"

Me: *bangs head on desk* "Someone pity me, I'm wallowing."

James: "So you admit it!"

Me: *moan* "Yes."

James: "Whoa, that actually makes me pity you, Liz."

Lupin: "How can you pity her when she's wallowing?"

Snape: "I can't believe you could be so insensitive, Lupin! I pity you too, Liz."

Lupin: "Er . . . guys?"

Sirius: "Quiet, Lupin. Can't you see Liz is wallowing and we're trying to pity her."

Lupin: "Not you, too!"

Lily: "Oh, my God, you three actually agreed on something!"

James, Sirius, and Snape: "No, we didn't."

Lily: "Yes, you did."

James, Sirius, and Snape: "No, we didn't."

Lily: "Yes, you did."

Lupin: "You should change to your teenage selves, now. You want to me more people, don't you?"

Sirius: "YES!"

Lupin: "Well, then do it."

James, Sirius, and Snape: *sigh* "Fine."

Snape: *mumbles* "I still say Liz is out of her mind, though."

They change to their teenage selves.

Me: "You, too Lupin, and you, Lily."

Lupin: "Aww, but I don't even hate Snivellus that much."

Me: "You just called him Snivellus instead of Snape, so you obviously hate him somewhat."

Lupin: *pouts* "But in Half-Blood Prince I told Harry that I put up with him."

Me: "Well, in your case we'll try and make you friends."

Lupin: *pouts again* "Aww."

Lily: "Why don't you want to be a teenager, Moony? I'm sexy as a teenager."

Lupin: *sigh* "Yeah, but I'm not. No girls liked me or anything, at least now I have Tonks." *sighs again*

Me: "You're wallowing."

Lupin: "Are not."

Me: "Are too."

Lupin: "Are not."

Me: "Are too."

Tonks: "What's happening, you two?"

Lupin: "Liz is making the other Marauders, Snape, Lily, and I change to our teenage selves so that we can become acquaintances that put up with each other."

Tonks: "What? Are you crazy, Liz?"

Me: "Yes. If you read the intro., you'd know that."

Tonks: "Well, this isn't fair, you're getting rid of my darling Lupin just before we're about to be married."

Me: "Fine. I'll make you a deal, I'll have the adult selves still be around and you can be married with the adult self."

Tonks: "Good enough."

Lupin: "Why is it that I'm not even being asked about this?"

Lily: "Because women have the brains, so change Lupin."

Lupin: "No!"

Lily: "Think of it this way, Lupin. At least you weren't as ugly as Peter at Hogwarts."

Peter: "No one loves me!" *wails*

Me: "What about Cho?"

Peter: *sniff* "She went on a trip to Bulgaria."

Me: "To do what?"

Peter: "See Viktor Krum."

Hermione: "WHAT?" *runs off to Bulgaria*

Ron: "I thought my sweet Hermy was in love with me."

Me: *face-palm* "Did you just take the state-testing or something, Ron?"

Ron: "Yes, as a matter of fact."

Gabrielle: "Oh, so you don't realize I'm your girlfriend now."

Ron: "Oh, yeah, the part-veela girl."

Rosmerta: "Wait, I thought you were in love with me, Ron. We made out and everything. Plus, I loved that joke you told."

Dad: "And I thought we were going steady, Gabrielle."

Me: "Forget the fact that you're way too old for her."

Ron: "What?"

Gabrielle: "What?"

They each slap each other once.

Me: "Wow, the relationships sure are going fast in this fic. Usually, they last for the whole fic."

Lupin: "Yeah, it went from Harry-Hermione and Ron-Victoria to Harry-Victoria and Ron-Hermione, then to Ron-Gabrielle and Hermione-Viktor, and then to Ron-Rosmerta and Dad-Gabrielle along with all those other random ones like Peter-Cho and Guy-Muggle Girl."

Me: "Hey, that's a spoiler for a future chapter!"

Lupin: "Well, it's kind of obvious, isn't it? I mean, we haven't heard from those two for a few chapters now and Guy ran off to 'comfort' Muggle Girl."

Me: "Hey, you're right."

Lupin: "Of course, I am. Hey, how about we have a conversation about how smart Remus J. Lupin is instead of making me turn into a teenager."

Me: "No. That pointless and plot-point revealing conversation was for the benefit of the readers."

Lupin: *sigh*

Me: "So change!"

Lupin and Lily change into teenagers.

Teenage James: "Wait, what about Peter?"

Me: "Oh, yeah. Peter, you too."

Peter: "Don't want to!" *stomps foot*

Me: "Ow, now I have a headache."

Peter: "Ha!" *stomps feet a lot*

Me: "OW! God, I have a splitting headache, now!"

Peter: "Ha, ha!"

Teenage Lily: "Peter, stop it or I'll hex you."

Peter: "I'm older."

Teenage Lily: "So? I'm still better at magic than you'll ever be."

Teenage Lupin: *reminiscent sigh* "Ah, she's so hot when she threatens people like that."

Teenage James: "Are you moving in on my girl, Lupin?"

James: "Because she's my wife, you know."

Teenage James: "What? You mean we get married? YES!"

James: "Uh, yeah, and we have a son."

Teenage James: "Cool!"

Harry: "Hi, teenage Dad."

Teenage James: "What? My son's name is Harry? Harry? What kind of weird name is Harry? It's so dull!"

Harry: "What would you have named me, then?"

Teenage James: "Something cool like, like . . . Reginald!"

Harry: "Reginald?"

James: "Reginald?"

Me: "Reginald Potter?"

Teenage James: "Yup."

Reginald: "That's a great name, teenage Dad!"

Harry: "Who are you?"

Reginald: "I'm Reginald, the son your teen Dad wishes he had."

Harry: "No one loves me!"

Teenage Sirius: "Basically."

Harry: "NO!" *runs out wailing*

Teenage Snape: "There we go with the insensitivity again, Black."

Teenage James: "Wasn't I insensitive?"

Teenage Snape: "Yes, even more so, in fact."

Teenage James: "YES! I was more insensitive than you, Padfoot!"

Teenage Sirius: "Oh, yeah?"

Teenage James: "Yeah!"

Teenage Sirius: "Oh, yeah?"

Teenage James: "Yeah!"

Teenage Lily: "Stop being so immature, you two."

Teenage James: "We're teenagers, Evans. We can be immature if we want."

Teenage Lupin: "And are you saying all teenagers are immature?"

Teenage James: "Yeah, basically."

Teenage Lupin: "What? I have never been more insulted in my life!" *wails and runs out*

Victoria: "This is going well."

Me: "Stop it, Victoria. I can't deal with your sarcasm, right now."

Victoria: "You can never deal with sarcasm."

Me: "Are you insulting me?"

Victoria: "Yeah, basically."

Me: "What? I have never been more insulted in my life!" *just wails because I can't run away from these people*

Dumbledore: "Why did you just use the same two sentences within a few lines of each other?"

Me: "Because I'm always repetitive like that."

Dumbledore: "Well, maybe you should make this more intellectual."

Sirius: "It's much too late, now."

Teenage Sirius: "Yeah, this has been un-intellectual since the first chapter."

Sirius: "Since before the first chapter, even. When Liz first wrote the title of this, it was un-intellectual!"

Teenage Sirius: "No, when Liz first got the idea for this, it was un-intellectual."

Me: "You know, I'm right here, guys, and I can here you insulting my writing."

Lupin: "It's constructive criticism, Liz."

Me: "Stop it, Lupin, I'm trying to wallow in anger at their criticism."

Sirius: "Constructive criticism."

Me: "It is not 'constructive.' It's insulting me as a writer and this fic which you guys are in."

Teenage Sirius: "Yeah, because you put us in it."

Me: God, I hate having two Sirius's to deal with, it's hard enough with just him.

Oldman: "What about me? Don't I count?"

Me: "No, you're just the actor."

Oldman: "Oh, so now I'm 'just the actor?' What about all the things I've done for you?"

Me: "You didn't really do anything. You just created further problems in Chapter 9 when you and Sirius wanted to be two separate people."

Thewlis: "Yeah, but he also made it interesting to the readers, so stop wallowing, Liz."

Me: *bangs head on desk* "Not you too, Lupin. I have enough to deal with right now."

Lupin: "Like what?"

Me: "Like you getting married and the Marauders and Snape becoming friends which we still haven't gotten to, and how to pronounce Garelick."

James: "That was last chapter, Liz."

Sirius: "Plus, you don't have to deal with Lupin getting married. That's an automatic thing."

Me: "No, I must do it."

Teenage James: "I think the stress is getting to you a bit."

Teenage Sirius: "So why don't you let us take over for a bit?"

Me: "No thanks." Not in my wildest dreams!

Teenage Lupin: "Why are you so reluctant about this?"

Me: "Because with you guys in charge, this thing would be purely pointless and we would never get to a point."

Teenage Sirius: "Like this?"

Me: "No, not like this! This has a point, if you would just let me get to it!"

Sirius: "We are, you're choosing to have this conversation."

Me: "No, I'm not. You guys are leading me into it."

Sirius: "Yes, you are."

Me: "No, I'm not."

Sirius: "Yes, you are."

Me: "No, I'm not!"

Teenage Lily: "You know, you two are really immature."

Me: "Well, I'm just trying to get him to agree with me."

Teenage Lily: "Well, why don't you be the responsible one and walk away?"

Me: "He started it."

Teenage Lupin: "And I won't even mention how immature that was."

Me: "Hey, I'm a teenager. You guys are adults in the bodies of teenagers, so you have more maturity."

Sirius: "Ah, so you admit you're acting immature."

Me: "No, I don't. I was not being immature. I am simply trying to make a point to you thick-headed idiots."

All: "We aren't thick-headed!"

Hermione: "Especially me!"

Me: *sigh* "Okay, besides Hermione, you're all immature, thick-headed idiots."

Hermione: "Much better."

All Besides Hermione: "Are not!"

Me: "Are too!"

All Besides Hermione: "Are not!"

Me: "Are too!"

Teenage Snape: "SILENCE!"

All: *gape*

Snape: "Everybody please don't panic."

Dumbledore: "That's my line, Severus."

Teenage Sirius: "Shut up, Dumbledore."

Teenage James: "Snape said it this time."

Teenage Lupin: "And for good reason."

Fluffy: "ME!"

Me: "Get out, Fluffy. You're spoiling a future chapter!"

Fluffy: *sigh* "Insensitive jerk."

Dumbledore: "Is it Fluffy?"

Fluffy: "No, it's something much worse."

Dumbledore: "What? What is it?"

Teenage Sirius: "It's. . . ."

Teenage James: "Er. . . ."

Teenage Lupin: "Just look."

Dumbledore: *looks at Teenage Snape* "Ahhhhhhhhhhh, the horror!"

Me: "What is it? I can't see."

Dumbledore: "You don't want to know."

Me: "Yeah, I don't, but the readers probably want to, I've kept them in suspense for too long, and they are probably clamoring to know what's wrong with Teenage Snape."

Dumbledore: *gulp*

Harry: "Oh, my God! It's Teenage Snape in a Speedo!"

Me: *sees a mental image of . . . that* "Ahhhhhhhhhhh, the horror! It burns, it burns!"

Teenage Lupin: "How could you write this in, Liz? Little innocent kids who read this are going to have nightmares now."

Teenage Snape: "What? I have never been more insulted in my life."

Snape: "Yes, you have. What about when Potter and his friends humiliated you in fifth year?"

Teenage Snape: "You're right, I was scarred for life by that encounter. I actually have a scar on my left buttock from that. Want to see?"

All: "NO!"

Me: "Okay, there's unwanted information."

Ron: "Ha, ha, I have a scar on my butt from an alligator."

Teenage Snape: "Awesome!"

Ron: "Want to see?"

Teenage Snape: "Sure!"

All: "Ahhhhhhhhhhh, the horror!"

Me: "Okay, there's even more unwanted information."

Ron: "How can you be so prejudiced against people with scars on their butt, Liz? What if you had a scar on your butt?"

Me: "Well, I wouldn't want people to see it and I wouldn't advertise it in public."

Ron: "I'm not advertising it."

Hermione: *face-palm*

Teenage Snape: "Wait, I know this weird guy who could probably advertise the scars on our butts."

Ron: "Dude, that's awesome."

Teenage Snape: "Let's go!"

James: "Wow, Snivellus. Your teenage self was really scary."

Snape: "Oh, come on, he isn't that bad."

James: "No."

Teenage James: "He's worse."

Snape: "Is not."

Sirius: "Is too."

Snape: "Is not."

Teenage Sirius: "Is too."

Me: "Shut up, Snape! Your teenage self is a VERY scary person and I'm going to have nightmares about him for the rest of my life!"

Snape: "Then why'd you write it in?"

Me: "I didn't. This was out of my control."

Sirius: *rolls eyes* "Uh-huh. We all know that you like seeing Snape like that, Liz."

Me: "Yeah, right, Sirius. I know that you like him like that, you don't have to admit it, but don't blame it on me!"

Sirius: *gags*

Snape: "Well, actually, I look kind of good like that."

Teenage Marauders: "WHAT?!"

Me: *gags*

Teenage James: "Are you crazy, Snivellus?"

Teenage Snape: "NO!"

Teenage Sirius: "We all know you're crazy, but we're talking to the adult you."

Snape: "NO, I am not crazy!"

Teenage Lupin: "That was a rhetorical question."

Snape: "Oh."

Teenage James: *mumbles* "Idiot."

Teenage Snape: "I am not an idiot!"

Teenage Sirius: "We're talking to the adult you, Snape, but you're an idiot, too, don't worry."

Snape: "Are not!"

Teenage Sirius: "Are too!"

Snape: "Are not!"

Teenage James: "Are too!"

Teenage Lupin: "This is going well."

Me: "Shut up, Lupin."

Dad: "Oh, so you finally realize how bad Lupin really is."

Me: "No, we're just having a disagreement."

Dad: "A disagreement that will make him attack you because he's an EVIL WEREWOLF! Mwahaha!"

Me: "He wouldn't be able to attack me, Dad. He's in my mind, remember?"

Dad: "Well, he could attack your mind! Mwahaha!"

Teenage Lupin: "That doesn't even make sense."

Dad: "Ahhhhhhhhhhh, an evil werewolf. I must kill it!" *runs after Lupin with ashtrays*

Teenage Lupin: Ahhhhhhhhhhh!" *runs out*

Teenage Lily: "You know, Liz, you're really going off on a tangent now and this chapter is going to be even longer than the last one."

Me: "It's you guys, not me."

Teenage Lily: "Still, you should have the power to overcome the pointlessness and make this have a point!" *heavenly music plays*

Me: "You're right. That's really inspirational. I will do something now, or at least try." Keyword-TRY.

Guy: "Don't just try, do something instead of just talking and dreaming about this fic having a point for dreams are just dreams; you have to actually do something to make your dreams come true." *heavenly music plays again*

Teenage Sirius: "Wow, that was beautiful."

Guy: "Thanks, I've been working on it." *heavenly music plays yet again*

Me: "Okay, that heavenly music is starting to annoy me. There wasn't even a reason for it that time."

Guy: "Yes, there was." *heavenly music plays still more*

Me: "Ahhhhhhhhhhh, stop it! No more heavenly music for this chapter. That's the second law of Random Conversations."

Guy: "See, you have done something!"

Teenage Sirius: "Aww, but I miss the heavenly music. It's so . . . so. . . ."

Guy: "Heavenly?"

Teenage Sirius: "Yeah!"

Me: *face-palm* "Okay, let's get started." *cracks knuckles and then winces* "Okay, Marauder people, I am going to do some weird psychology method now. I am going to show you some ink blots and you have to tell me what you see in them."

Dumbledore: "Actually, Miss Grass, I believe that that is called the Rorschordt Test."

Me: "Whatever, they're ink blots, so I call them ink blots. They don't need another name that's hard to pronounce. It's like Ostakievicz diamonds. Why don't they just call it the Diamond Store or something? Why do they have to have a name like . . . that?"

Teenage Lupin: "Liz, you're wallowing again."

Me: "I'm not finished, what about that college basketball coach - Kryshewski. It's pronounced a totally different way, in fact, it sounds like it begins with an S when it begins with a K! A K, goddamn it! The English language is so annoying sometimes."

Teenage Snape: "Are you done?"

Teenage Sirius: "So that we can get this over with."

Me: *mumbles* "Insensitive jerks."

Teenage Snape: "Excuse me, but who is being insensitive here? You're the one who made us change into our teenage selves in the first place."

Harry: "So? Liz isn't nearly as insensitive as you. You're insensitive to me every day!"

Teenage Sirius: "They've got a point, Snivellus."

Snape: "How many times do I have to say not to call me that?"

Teenage Sirius: "I was talking to the teenage you."

Teenage Snape: "So you stole my line! Insensitive jerk."

Snape: "That doesn't even make sense. We're the same person so you're basically calling yourself an insensitive jerk."

Teenage Snape: "Whatever. So I'll say my line now. How many times do I have to say not to call me that?"

Teenage Sirius: "Er . . . I don't know, quite a few. Liz, why don't you count it up?"

Me: "Nah, I'm too lazy to."

Teenage Snape: "But of course you don't care, you insensitive jerk."

Sirius: "No, I don't. And don't call me insensitive!"

Teenage James: "I thought you liked being called insensitive."

Teenage Sirius: "No, that was me."

Teenage Snape: "Oh, yeah. You were the insensitive jerk."

Teenage Sirius: "Yay! I said Harry was unloved!"

Reginald: "And I am loved. Yay!"

Harry: "NO!" *wails*

Teenage Sirius: "I'm more insensitive than you, Prongs."

Teenage James: "Are not, Padfoot."

Teenage Sirius: "Are too!"

Teenage James: "Are not!"

Me: *hits head on desk* "Why me?"

Teenage Lupin: "You're wallowing."