Random Conversations

Chapter 9: Cheesy and Cheddar

Time for another History analogy, people! I hope you remember in Chapter 5, when I related the Great Depression to myself and how depressed I was because Harry had married Victoria the alligator instead of me. If you don't remember this, then please read Chapter 5 again, or read it if you accidentally or purposely skipped ahead, because, believe it or not, I kind of, sort of relate things in different chapters so you can understand the jokes. Now, if you have learned about the Great Depression, then that probably means you have learned about the American Revolution and how happy the colonial Americans were after they gained their freedom from England (if you are British and are reading this, then no offense). What's the analogy? you may ask. You see my friend, I am as excited as those colonial Americans were because . . . *drum roll* Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire is out on DVD! Yay!!! Not only that, but I was able to see Dan in the bath!

Harry: "Don't you mean Harry?"

Me: *sigh* "No, I mean Dan, that's the name of the actor that plays you, Harry."

Dan: "How do you know we're not the same person?"

Me: "Um. . . ."

Ron and Rupert: "Or us."

Hermione and Emma: "Or us."

Me: "Okay, I'm confused now. Can't you guys just merge together, or something. You know, mitosis?"

Emma: "Actually, I think mitosis is separation."

Me: "Well, the other one! Osmosis, or something."

Hermione: "Osmosis is something else altogether. Didn't you take biology?"

Me: *sigh* "Yes, I did. But I had one of the most boring teachers in the world, and I don't remember what the other thingy besides mitosis is."

Ginny: "Was the teacher even more boring than moths?"

Me: "It's close."

Ginny: "What was their name?"

Me: "For the purposes of this fic, I will not reveal their name." Plus I don't want he/she to read this and figure out who I am.

Ginny: "Why don't you tell us? You modeled Guy after one of your teachers."

Me: "Yes, but I didn't use his real name. Guy is just the name we use because I don't want to put his teacher name and get in trouble if he reads it."

Ron: "Why would you get in trouble?"

Me: "Because if I make him do something really dumb." Actually, I've already made him do really dumb things, anyway. . . . "And if he reads it, that could be slander or something."

Rupert: "What's slander?"

Dumbledore: "When you abuse someone verbally in print."

Me: "Hey, I thought you went and got a Muggle job."

Dumbledore: "No one wants to hire me, strangely enough, they say I'm too weird. Can you imagine?"

Me: Yes.

Dumbledore: "But I will persevere!"

Draco: "Yay, Dumby!"

Dumbledore: "DON'T CALL ME DUMBY!"

Voldemort: "Touchy."

Dumbledore: "Shut up, Voldy."

Voldemort: "Make me, Dumby."

Sirius: "Whoa, those two are as bad as me and Snivellus."

Snape: "Don't call me that, Black."

Sirius: *barks*

Me: *face-palm* "We really have to get those guys to settle their differences and be friends."

Sirius and Snape: "Friends?"

Me: "Well, maybe not friends exactly, more like . . . acquaintances who put up with each other."

Dad: "Okay, that'll be Chapter 10."

Me: "What are you doing, Dad?"

Dad: "Taking down the minutes, what else?"

Me: "This isn't a SPUM meeting, you know."

Dad: "I know, but I decided to be the minute-taker for Random Conversations. You really need some organization in this pointlessness."

Me: Since when has Dad been organized? "Er . . . this isn't really taking down the minutes. This is more . . . organizing chapters."

Dad: "Well, I'll be the chapter-organizer then."

Me: "Okay, whatever."

Dumbledore: "Eat pepperoni, fool!"

Voldemort: "Ahhhhhhhhhh!"

Me: "What are you doing, Dumbledore?"

Dumbledore: "Defeating Voldemort for calling me Dumby."

Voldemort: "DON'T CALL ME VOLDY!"

Dan: "Wait, I thought it was Draco's job to defeat Voldemort."

Gambon: "It was."

Dan: "Was?"

Gambon: "Yes, was. I'm giving it to you now, Dan, because Draco keeps calling me Dumby."

Tom: "NO!"

Me: "Wait a sec, why are all the actors talking to each other instead of the characters?"

Lupin: "It's the law of Random Conversations. When actors start talking to characters, the characters must go to their actor's/actress's name."

Me: "This fic has a law?"

Lupin: "Yup."

Me: "Even though it's totally random?"

Lupin: "Yup."

Me: "But this fic doesn't even have a point! How can it have laws, wouldn't that mean the laws would be pointless?"

Hermione: "Isn't the point of this fic, its being pointless?"

Lupin: "But that would mean it didn't have a point, if its point was its pointlessness!"

Me: "Man, this is confusing, it's like paradox."

Dan: "What's paradox?"

Gambon: "A contradictory statement."

Me: "Oh, yeah, I had a vocabulary quiz on that today."

Gambon: "How did you do?"

Me: "I got a 27/25 I think."

Dad: "That isn't good, you should've got a 28/25!"

Gambon: "I agree."

Fiennes: "So do I."

Me: "Whoa. My deprived father who doesn't even like Harry Potter, Dumbledore, and Voldemort agreeing on something, it's a miracle! Wait a sec, I have an idea which is somewhat like a plot point. Dumbledore, Voldy. . . ."

Voldemort: "DON'T CALL ME VOLDY!"

Me: *sigh* "Fine. Dumbledore and Tom, if you like teaching so much, why don't you both go and get Muggle teaching jobs?"

Voldemort: "No, I wouldn't want to work with someone who calls me Voldy." *pouts*

Me: "But you could get a job in the cafeteria and make vegetarian food."

Dan: "And then feed it to Dumbledore!"

Me: "Yeah, I guess so."

Fiennes: "That's a great idea, thanks, Dan!"

Gambon: "NO! I don't want to work with someone who gives me vegetarian food, no! I couldn't live without BBQ chicken from KFC!"

Me: "Then bring a bag lunch or something." Just get out of here, please!

Dan: *whisper* "But Voldemort, why don't you sneak veggie food in there, too? Mwahaha!"

Gambon: "Why is Dan whispering when he's saying 'Mwahaha!' with an exclamation point?"

Dad: "Because he's overdramatic and overplays everything!"

Dan: "How dare you insult me like that! I've never been more insulted in my life!"

Gambon: "How dare you insult, Dan. Him and I have just gotten over our fight and now you're insulting him!"

Dad: "And you also overplay everything!"

Gambon: "I have never been more insulted in my life, I should kill you, Dad!" *Gambon and Dan run after Dad, hitting him with random spells*

Me: "Okay, this is getting really confusing. Can't you guys just switch back to your character form and be the same person, you know, meiosis?"

Hermione: "Actually, Liz, I think meiosis is separation."

Me: "No, we just discussed this a while ago, mitosis is separation and meiosis is merging together."

Rupert: "Isn't estrangement separation?"

Me: "Yes, but that's another form of separation, that's like a couple divorcing."

Ron: "How'd you know?"

Me: "It was on that vocabulary quiz I had and it was one of the few words that I knew without a doubt was the answer. So, can't you guys perform meiosis, please?"

Emma: *sigh* "Fine, but can't you put Emma instead of Hermione. Hermione is too hard to pronounce for some of the readers."

Me: "Well then, they should read Goblet of Fire in The Yule Ball when Hermione teachers Viktor to say her name."

Ron: "He's using her."

Hermione: "Shut up, Ron."

Me: "Ooh, marriage problems!"

Rupert: "What?"

Emma: "We get married? No, I love Dan, not Rupert with his long, lion-like hair!"

Rupert: "And I like that chic who plays Fleur."

Ron: "Okay, I think it's time to perform mitosis."

Hermione: "You mean meiosis."

Ron: "Whatever."

Harry/Dan, Ron/Rupert, and Hermione/Emma merge into one person, so from now on I'll refer to the Harry Potter characters/actors as their character name so it doesn't get confusing to anyone (including me!).

Oldman: "Wait a sec, how'd Dan get back here? I thought he was chasing Dad with Gambon."

Me: "Well, he came back, Sirius, and you should merge together with your character, too?"

Oldman: "Why?"

Me: "Because it gets confusing writing the character's name and the actor's name as two separate people and saying different things even though they're the same person. Plus, some people might not know who Oldman-as in Gary Oldman-is, but whoever's reading this probably likes Harry Potter and knows who Sirius-as in Sirius Black-is. However, they might not know the actor's name who plays Sirius, especially if they're a twelve-year-old boy who happens to be my brother."

Oldman: "Well, I'm not going to merge with Sirius and be one guy. Blah!"

Hermione: "Blah?"

Oldman: "It was the only word I could think of on such short notice, so blah! I'm not going to merge!"

Me: "Why not?"

Sirius: "Because I got way too little screen time in Goblet of Fire, so I should have the rights to be two people in this fic and have more, er . . . text time."

Me: "You already have a lot of 'text time' to begin with, Sirius, so that makes up for there not being that much for you in Goblet of Fire. Plus, you'll have some in Order of the Phoenix."

Oldman: "Yeah, but I die in the end!"

Sirius: "So that isn't really fair."

Me: "STOP IT!"

Lupin: "You know, Liz, you're being a tiny bit unfair."

Me: "What am I doing wrong now? It isn't my fault that you guys choose to come into my brain and I have to have these pointless arguments. . . ."

Lupin: "Stop with your self-pity, please and let me explain."

Me: "What. . . .? Me, self-pity? Never!"

Lupin: "Well, first off, it isn't really a fault that we come into your brain because without us there wouldn't really be any story and no one would want to read it if it was just you talking."

Me: "Okay, Lupin, you asked for it. I'm going to write in something really nasty happening to you now, involving Peter hurting you with that silver hand of his."

Lupin: "But then you'll feel bad and write me back in being alive anyway, so let me explain my point, please, and then you can choose whether you want to write me in being killed or not."

Harry: "Wow, this reminds me of the conversation I had with Dumbledore in Order of the Phoenix."

Me: "Shut up, Harry."

Lupin: "Can I explain my point now?"

Me: *sigh* "Fine."

Lupin: "You see, Sirius needs to feel wanted 24/7, that's why he comes into your brain first so often. He needs to be wanted and feel recognized, because he has a pathological need for attention, you see. . . ."

Rita: "Like father, like son, I see. Let's see, what should the headline look like? How about, Sirius Black: Mass Murderer Shares the Love of Attention Like His Twelve-Year-Old Son Harry Potter.

Bozo: "Loving it, Rita!"

Harry: "Er . . . it's seventeen, Rita, and I was fourteen in Goblet of Fire, not twelve."

Rita: "Say whatever you want, if it makes you feel better, Harry."

Sirius: "Plus, I'm his godfather, not his father."

Rita: "Ah, well, it has the word father in it."

Sirius: "But I'm not, and I'm tired of you printing all these false stories."

Hermione: "Yeah, wait a sec, didn't I blackmail you into not printing any more nasty stories?"

Rita: "Not anymore, because I've blackmailed Scrimgeour about telling everyone he's a Death Eater if he tells anyone about me being an unregistered Animagus!"

Me: "Scrimgeour's a Death Eater?"

Rita: "I shouldn't have said that, I should not have said that!"

Hagrid: "That's my line, Rita."

Rita: "Well, it's mine now, you half-breed oaf!"

Hagrid: "What?"

Bane: "Do not call us half-breeds, woman!"

Umbridge: "She can call you what she wants, half-breed. You only live on your territory because the Ministry of Magic allows you to!"

Bane: "Do not insult noble centaurs, woman!"

Magorian: "Mars is bright tonight."

Bane: "What does that have to do with insulting centaurs?"

Magorian: "I don't know, but Mars is bright tonight, plus Jupiter is dull tonight."

Bane: "Awesome."

Magorian: "Totally."

Sirius: "And that was Totally Magorian!"

Bane: "Totally." *plays the guitar*

Hagrid: "Er . . . I don' mean ter be rude but what the bloody hell was that all about?"

Sirius: "It's Totally Magorian, a new show debuting right now!"

Oldman: "With your hosts: Gary Oldman and Sirius Black!"

Lupin: "See what I mean?"

Me: "Yeah. Wait, is that why Sirius complained about not having enough screen time in Goblet of Fire?"

Lupin: *sigh* "Yes, he got mad about the way Newell depicted him in the fire."

Me: "Yeah, he did look like something from hell."

Lupin: "And that's why he likes Cuaron so much, because Cuaron gave him a larger role."

Me: "Wow, I actually feel sorry for him now. Sirius, you can be two people because you didn't have enough screen time. . . ."

Lupin: "Liz. . . ."

Me: "Don't stop me Lupin, I'm on a roll here. Plus you can do that show, Totally Magorian, and you can do a video diary of yourself and Oldman, and as a special bonus feature, I won't complain about anything!" Actually, I probably will, but there's my good deed for the day.

Oldman: "Thanks, Liz!"

Lupin: "Er . . . Liz?"

Me: "What?"

Lupin: "Er. . . ."

Fleur: "Oh, and this 'Serious' man, he gets two people and I do not?"

Me: *sigh* "Fleur, you already get a lot of screen time or enough at any rate."

Fleur: "But I was not made pretty enough, now Bill will never want to marry me!" *wails*

Hermione: "Oh, get over yourself. It's not like you're the main character or anything."

Actress Who Plays Fleur: "Oh, and of course you don't care, do you Hermy-own-ninny? You get to be pretty in the Yule Ball and you get to go out with Viktor Krum!"

Viktor: "Do not insult Hermy-own-ninny, Fleur."

Hermione: "Um, guys it's Her-my-oh-nee, not Hermy-own-ninny."

Actress Who Plays Fleur: "Oh, and now you are telling us how to pronounce your name!"

Hermione: "I'm just trying to teach you how to say it right, so you don't sound like idiots in this fic."

Viktor: "Fic?"

Hermione: "You know, fan fiction?"

Actor Who Plays Viktor: "You mean people are actually reading these pointless conversations?"

Me: "Yup."

Actor Who Plays Viktor: "Awesome! I can be famous now and make up for me not having enough screen time in Goblet of Fire."

Sirius: "Not you, too! It's only me who gets to be two people because I'm one of the main characters and deserve a larger role than Newell gave me."

Hermione: "You already are famous, Viktor, you're an international Quidditch player, and you're always famous in my eyes." *sigh* "My sweet Vicky."

Me: "Vicky? And I thought Ronnie was bad."

Viktor: "No, that's me."

Actor Who Plays Viktor: "And I'm not that famous, I only got a little screen time in Goblet of Fire."

Me: "But if you merge together with your character, then you can be a famous Quidditch player." Please work, please work.

Actor Who Plays Viktor: "No! I want to be famous in two ways: I want to be an international Quidditch player and be two people in this fic."

Hermione: "That's a bit greedy, you know, Vicky."

Ron: "Vicky? Hey, we're married Hermione, you can't go off with other guys."

Hermione: *sigh* "I know, Ron."

Me: "Ooh, not Ronnie? Marriage problems, anyone?"

Dad: "I think so, too, so we'll put that in Chapter 11 and the debut of Totally Magorian in Chapter 12."

Harry: "I am not overdramatic!" *runs at Dad*

Dad: "But that's just Harry, I can kill him with an ashtray."

Me: *shakes head sympathetically* "No, he merged with Dan, so now he's DOUBLE-ANGRY and DOUBLE-POWERFUL." Why is it that that sounds like something from Power Rangers or Pokemon?

Dad: "I'll use two ashtrays, then!" *throws two ashtrays at Dan*

Harry: "Ahhhhhhhhhh!"

Dad: "Mwahaha!" *runs off*

Me: "NO!!!"

Victoria: "NO!!!"

All: "NO!!!"

Cedric: "YES! Now I can be the hero!"

Voldemort: "Avada Kedavra!"

Cedric dies.

All: "NO!!!"

Lupin: "Wait, there is a solution!"

James: "What? He's my son, I'll do anything to save him!"

Me: "Okay, that's really cheesy."

Sirius: "It's not cheesy, it's cheddar."

Me: "Cheddar?"

Sirius: "Yup, when something's not cheesy, it's cheddar. That's part of the physics of movie-making."

Me: "It is?"

Newell: "Yes, it is. PHYSICS!"

Sirius: "You!"

Newell: "What?"

Me: "Uh, oh."

Sirius: "You gave me only a little screen time!" *runs at Newell*

Newell: "Ahhhhhhhhhh!" *throws an ashtray at Sirius*

Sirius dies.

Newell: "PHYSICS!" *runs off*

James: "Oh, no, my best friend is dead now!"

Lily: "What's the solution, Lupin?"

Lupin: "In still more of my extensive reading, I came across another book by Guy."

Me: "What was it about?"

James: "Is the answer almonds?"

Lupin: *sigh* "No, it's no almonds. The book was about smoking and how bad it is for your health."

James: "And?"

Lupin: "It mentions ashtrays and how they can kill a Harry Potter character when thrown by a deprived person."

Lily: "And?"

Lupin: "It said that the cure for ashtrays being thrown at you is the opposite of an ashtray."

Hermione: "And that would be?"

Lupin: "I'm surprised at you, Hermione. You, the Number-One-Know-It-All don't know?"

Hermione: "No, I don't, because these cures make no sense."

Lily: "Neither does anything in this fic."

Hermione: "True."

Guy: 'The cures make sense if you read more, you know."

James: "So, what is it?"

Guy: *sigh* "The opposite of ashtrays are coasters."

Lily: "Coasters?"

Guy: "Yup, you just have to throw a coaster at the people who have been killed by ashtrays and they'll come back to life."

Me: "Okay, whatever."

James: *throws a coaster at Sirius and misses*

Lily: "Men." *throws a coaster at Harry and misses*

Tonks: "Let me try."

Mrs. Weasley: "Er, I don't know, dear."

Me: "How do you know what's happening, Mrs. Weasley?"

Mrs. Weasley: "I was here all along, I just wasn't speaking."

Me: "Oh, is that how everyone is, just waiting in the wings until they come forward at a really inconvenient time." God, it must be crowded in there.

Mrs. Weasley: "Basically."

Me: "Wow, that must be how Sirius and everyone's been reading me You Know You're Obsessed With Harry Potter When. . . . list and the earlier conversations."

Tonks: *throws a coaster at Sirius and Sirius hops up*

Me: "Whoa, isn't Tonks supposed to be really clumsy?"

Tonks: *throws a coaster at Harry and Harry hops up* "I used to be a pitcher for baseball on the Red Sox."

Wood: "Baseball?"

Me: "It's a Muggle sport, Oliver. Is that one of the things that. . . ."

Tonks: "Jo forgot to mention?"

Me: "Yup."

Tonks: "Yup, it is."

Harry: *launches himself at Cedric's dead body and begins sobbing uncontrollably*

Me: "Not again, it was bad enough listening to this in the movie."

Lily: *sniff* "Why? This is the best scene."

Me: "But it's so cheesy."

James: "No, it's cheddar."

Me: *sigh*

Harry: *wails*

Dumbledore: "Harry, what's wrong?"

Harry: "I promised I'd give him more screen time, I couldn't leave him!"

Dumbledore: "It's alright, Harry, he's getting more now, everyone's reading this."

Harry: *sniff* "Really?"

Me: "This is really cheesy."

Hermione: "As cheesy as Harry's fake sobbing after he finds out that Sirius is his godfather in Prisoner of Azkaban?"

Me: "It's close."

Amos: "That's my boy, NO!!!"

Me: "He just noticed? Cedric's been dead for a while now."

Mrs. Diggory: "He's a bit slow on the uptake, sometimes."

Hermione: "A bit?"

Lupin: "I have an idea!"

Amos: "What?"

Guy: "Almonds?"

Lupin: "We can ask Voldemort to do 'The Fake Latin-Bring Dead People Back to Life Spell.'"

Me: "I don't think he'll do it."

Amos: "Why not?"

Me: "Because Voldemort killed Cedric, he won't bring him back to life."

Mrs. Diggory: "He'd better, VOLDEMORT!"

Voldemort: "You called?"

Me: "Since when has Mrs. Diggory been able to cow Voldemort?"

Harry: "Cow? What cow?"

Victoria: *sigh* "Harry, it's a term, not a real cow, but it means that Mrs. Diggory is able to act superior to Voldemort and make him inferior to her."

Harry: "Oh."

Fred: "Oh, I was going to say. . . ."

George: "That was what we did for our seventh-year prank."

Me: "I thought you made that swamp on a school corridor."

Fred: "That was one seventh-year prank."

George: "But since the Toad Lady was here. . . ."

Fred: "We thought she deserved more than one."

Umbridge: "Do not call me that, Weasleys! I am an official from the Ministry of Magic and deserve to be treated with proper respect! I am not and will never be a toad!" * croaks turns into a toad*

Ronan: "Who is the half-breed now, woman?"

Bane: "Kill the toad woman!"

Umbridge hops off, closely followed by the band of murderous centaurs.

Me: "Umbridge was a toad Animagus."

Hermione: "Obviously, when Jo repeats something in the novels, she obviously wants you to remember it."

Me: "I knew I should have remembered that in the Ultimate Unofficial Guide to the Mysteries of Harry Potter."

Galadriel Waters: "Thanks, Liz."

Ron: "So what did you do?"

George: "But we also. . . ."

Fred: "Led a cow up to the Astronomy Tower."

George: "So no one could go up the stairs."

Fred: "Because as everyone knows cows can go upstairs. . . ."

George: "But can't go down them."

Fred: "But Flitwick finally levitated it out of the way."

George: "Once Umbridge had left, of course."

Me: "Let me guess, Jo forgot to mention it?"

Both: "Yup."

Ron: "Hey, do you guys know how to pronounce Garelick?"

Harry: "Isn't it pronounced Garlic?"

Hermione: "No, I think it's Gear-lick."

Fleur: "Oh, and now you are telling us how to pronounce the name of a dairy farm?"

Hermione: "I'm just trying to teach you how to say it the right way, so you don't sound like idiots."

Fleur: "I do not sound like an idiot!"

Hermione: *rolls eyes*

Viktor: "Neither do it! I just didn't get enough screen time in Goblet of Fire, so everyone thought that I was strong and silent."

Wood: "In other words, too thick to string two words together."

Viktor: "Shut up, Oliver, the Bulgarians will beat Puddlemere United, anytime, anywhere!"

Wood: "No way, Puddlemere United is the best team and I was the best Quidditch Captain, Gryffindor ever saw!"

Viktor: "Well, at least you had a kind of important role in the movies, while I had nothing and I only had two lines! Plus, Newell cut my most important line out of the movie!"

Wood: "And that would be?"

Viktor: "When I am asking about Hermy-own-ninny and tell Ron to tell her that if he sees her, I haff drinks."

Ron: "That's a horrible line, it shows how much you're using my precious Hermy and you're much too old for her!"

Hermione: "But Viktor's so sweet and he knows how to pronounce Garelick right. Plus, he's not using me, he really cares about our happiness, Ron!"

Ron: "Humph!" *storms out*

Viktor: "Humph?"

Hermione: "He is hard to understand sometimes."

Viktor: "Tell me about it. Did you read that alligator story of his?"

Hermione: "Yes, it was a bit strange, Vicky."

Viktor: "Hey, how about we got to Madam Puddifoot's and discuss Ron's stupidity?"

Hermione: "You've got yourself a date."

Me: "Marriage problems definitely Chapter 11."

Fleur: "Definitely. Hey, since Hermione gets Viktor, Ron can get my little sister Gabrielle and cause even more marriage problems."

Ron: "What? Isn't she like, nine?"

Gabrielle: "I am eleven as a matter of fact and part veela."

Ron: "What do you say we go to the Three Broomsticks and get to know each other's ages better?"

Gabrielle: "Sure. But before we leave, I have a question."

Me: "What?"

Gabrielle: "How do you pronounce Garelick."

Dad: "Guh-re-lick."

Gabrielle: "Thank you, I shall be eternally grateful!" *kisses Dad*

Dad: "Er . . . you're welcome."

Ron: "Come on, Gabrielle." *murmurs* "Rosmerta, here I come."

Dad: "I love that girl."

Fleur: "And what about me, I am older."

Dad: "Ooh!"

Bill: *growls*

Dad: "Eat ashtrays, evil werewolf and Harry Potter character!" *throws an ashtray at Bill*

Bill dies.

Cedric: "Deadus Peoplus Bringus Backus tous Lifus!"

Bill: "Whoa, that's awesome."

Amos: "My boy is alive! How?"

Mrs. Diggory: "I made Voldemort use 'The Fake Latin-Bring Dead People Back to Life Spell' on him."

Amos: "How?"

Mrs. Diggory: "The power of almonds!"

Dad: "No, not almonds, not almonds!"

Bane: "Awesome."

Magorian: "Totally."