Random Conversations

Chapter 8: SPUM

As you know, at the end of Chapter 7, Sirius was being bitten by Sammy and Chuck, the mutant alligator twins of Victoria and Harry because they wanted some of the dough for his mutant circus. In the end, Sirius agreed to give the twins and their family some of the money he made (if he made any, that is, which I seriously doubt, who would want to go and see a stand-up comedian with really bad jokes and mutant alligator twins? Not me!).

Sirius: "I don't have bad jokes, Liz, they're really funny! Hey, do you know why the chicken crossed the road?"

Me: "Not used the toilet?"

Sirius: "Nope. Why did the chicken cross the road?"

Me: "Um . . . to get to the other side?"

Sirius: "Nope! Because it had to get, had to get, had to get to the other side!"

Me: "Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Sammy: "That's really funny, Grandpa Sirius!"

Chuck: "Yeah, your jokes are the best!"

Me: "You seriously think that?"

Both: "No, but he's giving us a bunch of money to say that."

Me: "That reminds me of in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban when Aunt Marge gave Dudley money to let her hug and kiss him."

Sirius: "Yet another one of your obsessions?"

Me: "Yup, and I'm proud of it!"

Sirius: "Why are you proud of being so obsessed with Harry Potter that you relate everything in the world to it?"

Me: "Because I am, just like you're obsessed with almonds, Sirius."

Sirius: "And I'm proud of it, Almondo's Best Almonds!" *eats an almond and grins* "Try them today!"

Guy: "Oh, yeah!"

Me: "Hey, I thought you ran out wailing because I said I wouldn't miss you?"

Guy: "I got over it."

Me: "How?"

Guy: "The power of almonds!"

Me: "God, this is getting annoying."

Hermione: "You think?"

Me: "Yeah, I do think. How can we get these guys to stop obsessing over almonds?"

Manager: "Have them join AAMBE. All Almonds Must Be Eliminated! Mwahaha!"

Hermione: "Somehow I don't think that will work."

Dad: "Why not?"

Me: "Because Sirius and Guy are already so obsessed with almonds that they would kill you if you tried to make them join AAMBE."

Dad: "They've already tried to kill us."

Hermione: "How?"

Dad: "By throwing almonds at us."

Me: "How would that kill you? They're just almonds."

Dad: "Because their nutrient chemicals are also like acid to people who hate almonds and they burned holes where they touched our bare skin."

Hermione: "That doesn't make one bit of sense."

Ginny: "Tell me about it."

Victoria: "How about we get them obsessed with coffee again?"

Me: "NO! I'm not going through that again!"

Victoria: "Going through what again?"

Me: "Having them all be hyper again. Then, I might as well Copy everything from Chapter 5 and Paste it right here."

Victoria: "Good point."

Ginny: "Wait, I have just had a stroke of genius!"

Hermione: "What?"

Ginny: "Never mind, I just lost it."

Hermione: *sigh*

Ginny: "Wait, it's back!"

Victoria: "What?"

Ginny: "Um. . . ."

Me: *face-palm*

Ginny: "Wait!"

All: "What?"

Ginny: "Never mind."

Me: "Ahhhhhhh! How are we supposed to get her to remember?"

Lupin: "I have an idea."

Me: "What?"

Lupin: "In some more of my extensive reading, I came across a passage about amnesia and how you can make someone remember."

Victoria: "So Ginny has amnesia?"

Lupin: "Well, no, it's more like forgetfulness but it's basically the same thing."

Me: "So what's the cure?"

Lupin: "It said that the cure for amnesia was eggshells."

Me: "Eggshells? That's nearly as crazy as the cure for coffee being almonds, in fact, it's even more crazy!"

Hermione: "Does it work even if it's forgetfulness?"

Lupin: "Well, there is some debate amongst amnesiaologists about whether it will work with forgetfulness."

Hermione: "And if it doesn't?"

Lupin: "Then the victim usually dies from the eggshells."

Me: "How can you die from eggshells?"

Lupin: "They get trapped in your lungs and make your lungs make some weird liquid that kills you."

Me: "How can food get trapped in your lungs, I don't think it's even along the same passageway!"

Lupin: "Well, it does, at least that's what amnesiaologists say."

Hermione: "And you're telling us this now? You must be joking!"

Lupin: "Why does it matter if I told you now, it's not like you've fed it to her or anything."

Victoria: "Oops."

Me: *face-palm*

Lupin: "You seem a bit tense."

Hermione: "Do I?"

Me: "Why are you guys quoting from the Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire movie?"

Hermione: "I just saw it last night, along with some of the special features."

Lupin: "So did I."

Me: "Wow, you guys are as bad as me."

Hermione: "No, we aren't, at least we don't relate everything we see or hear to Harry Potter."

Me: "True."

Ginny: "Wait, I just had a stroke of genius!"

Me: "Whoa, the eggshells actually worked?"

Lupin: "Obviously."

Me: "Whoa, who's this book by, anyway?"

Lupin: "Some Muggle Girl."

Me: "The same Muggle Girl who made out with Harry?"

Muggle Girl: "That's me."

Me: "NO! Now I have to listen to this Muggle Girl, too!"

Hermione: "What was your stroke of genius, Ginny?"

Ginny: "How about we make Sirius and Guy obsessed with something else besides almonds?"

Hermione: "Like what?"

Ginny: "Hmm. . . ."

All: "Hmm. . . ."

Victoria: "How about walnuts?"

Me: "No, because then they could stuff them up our nostrils and cause us unbearable suffering if we ever criticized them. Remember what happened to Snape?"

Snape: "Ah, I want my mummy!"

Sirius: "Well, go and play with your chemistry set, Snivellus!"

Me: *face-palm*

Lupin: "What did you do, Sirius?"

Sirius: "I stuffed almonds and walnuts up his nostrils and ears! Mwahaha!"

Hermione: "Okay, walnuts are definitely out."

Ginny: "You think?"

Muggle Girl: "Wait, how about eggshells?"

Me: "No, not eggshells

Muggle Girl: "Why not?"

Me: "Wouldn't they get trapped in Sirius and Guy's lungs and produce some weird liquid to kill them?"

Guy: "Liz, I didn't know you cared!"

Me: "I don't."

Muggle Girl: "What, you don't even care about your friends?"

Me, Sirius, and Guy: "Friends?"

Muggle Girl: "Yes, friends! In fact, you probably don't like my idea because I went out with your darling Harry."

Me: "Don't start that again." *clenches fist*

Muggle Girl: "I've never been more insulted in my life!" *runs out wailing*

Guy: "How could you do that, Liz? How could you be so insensitive when she was so pretty?"

Me: "She made out with Harry when he was mine!"

Victoria: "Ahem."

Me: "Er . . . I mean Victoria's." But he should have been mine!

Guy: "Well, you were really insensitive anyway. Muggle Girl, wait!" *runs out*

Me: "Wow, a lot of people like this Muggle Girl, whoever she is: Harry and now Guy. Ooh, there's a plot point, Harry and Guy could have a fight over Muggle Girl!"

Harry: "Muggle Girl? Where?"

Me: "Um . . . she just left."

Harry: *starts to run out*

Victoria: "Don't you dare."

Harry: *pouts* "But Guy got to. . . ."

Victoria: "Guy is unmarried while you are. Plus you're a father now!"

Harry: *pouts again* "Please?"

Victoria: "NO!"

Me: "Or not."

Ginny: "Wait, how about moths?"

Harry: "What are you talking about?"

Ginny: "We need to get Sirius and Guy obsessed with something else besides almonds so how about moths?"

Me: "What's so great about moths?"

Ginny: "They're really cute and easy to catch."

Me: "How are they cute? They're the ugliest colors I've ever seen in my life! Who would want a moth for a pet?"

Ginny: "She didn't mean that, Barry, don't worry."

Hermione: "Yeah, she didn't mean that, Buster."

Me: "Who are Barry and Buster?" Dare I ask.

Hermione and Ginny: "Our pet moths!"

Me: "Um. . . ."

Dad: "Pet moths? Cool!"

Manager: "Oh my God, those are awesome!"

Me: "But moths are so boring!"

Sirius: "How dare you say that, Liz! Moths are great, even better than almonds. I remember I had a pet moth when I was little. . . ."

Me: "Yet another one of the things that Jo forgot to mention?"

Sirius: "Yes, and don't interrupt. His name was Justin and he was the best moth in the world! But, then. . . ."

Ginny: "What?"

Sirius: "He died because of some evil spider!" *wails*

Manager: "It's alright, man, I know exactly how you feel. I had a pet moth named Juliet and she was killed by a fly swatter."

Sirius: "Oh, no!"

Me: "But who cares about moths, they're dull colors and one of the dumbest creatures I've even seen in my life!"

Dad: "How dare you say that, Liz! Moths are awesome! I remember I had a pet moth, named Mothy, but I accidentally dropped him out the window before my family moved."

Me: "Didn't that happen with your toy whale when you were a kid?"

Dad: *sniff* "Yes, Mothy was on top of Whaley."

Me: "Okay, whatever."

Ginny: "Stop being so mean to moths, Liz. When did they ever do anything to you?"

Me: "They didn't, but they're so dull. . . ."

Ginny: "They are not dull! Stop being so mean to moths. You guys, I think we should form a society for moths like Liz has a society for werewolves."

Sirius: "Yes, to avenge dead Justin, and dead Juliet, and dead Mothy!"

Manager: "That works."

Hermione: "Let's call it SPUM, Society for the Protection of Un-Boring Moths."

Me: "Is un-boring even a word?"

Ginny: "Is it underlined in red on your computer?"

Me: "No."

Ginny: "Then it's a word, just like randomness is."

Me: "Yeah, but I made all the words in Harry Potter words in the computer's dictionary because I couldn't stand them having red lines underneath them."

Hermione: "I don't think 'un-boring' or 'randomness' are words in Harry Potter."

Ginny: "So un-boring is a word!"

Sirius: "Yay!"

Dad: "So . . . what were we talking about?"

Sirius: "About SPUM and how moths were un-boring which is a word! Yay!"

Manager: "So this is our first official meeting."

Dad: "Yup, I'll take down the minutes."

Ginny: "What are the minutes?"

Dad: "Um . . . some thing in a meeting where the minute-taker person writes down things."

Hermione: "Oh, no, he has forgetfulness!"

Manager: "Now we can't have the meeting!"

Lupin: "Wait, I have eggshells!"

Manager: "Eggshells?"

Lupin: "They help cure forgetfulness. Here, feed them to Dad."

Dad eats the eggshells and remembers what he had to say.

Dad: "Oh, yeah, the minutes are what happens in the meeting during each of the separate minutes or what you do during the meeting."

Manager: "How'd you know that?"

Dad: "I'm the manager of a Burger King."

Manager: "Cool, I'm the manager of a Ronzio's, why doesn't Liz call you Manager 2, then?"

Dad: "Because I'm her Dad, idiot."

Manager: "Don't call me idiot!"

Dad: "I can call you whatever I want, Snivellus."

Sirius: "Hey, that's my nickname for Snape."

Dad: "Well, it's my nickname for Manager now, Snivellus."

Sirius: "Why are you calling me Snivellus? I hate Snape."

Dad: "Well, I didn't know, I just saw it in this fic and thought everyone you hated was called Snivellus."

Hermione: "Do you even like Harry Potter, Dad?"

Dad: "No, actually."

Manager: "And I thought you were my friend, but if you hate Harry Potter we can never be friends. In fact, I like almonds now, too!" *throws almonds at Dad*

Dad: "No, not the almonds, not the almonds! Ahhhhhhhhhh!" *runs away with Manager, Sirius, and Hermione throwing almonds at him*

Ginny: "Well, I guess this meeting is over."

Me: "Yup."

Ginny: "Okay, what were the minutes again?"

Me: "Um . . . that thingy."

Lupin: *face-palm* "They weren't a thingy, they were a um. . . ."

Me: "Oh, no, we all have forgetfulness! We must eat eggshells!" *eat an eggshell from my kitchen*

Ginny: "There, so the minutes are, Sirius, Dad, Manager, and Hermione fight because Dad calls everyone Snivellus."

Me: "And then they chase Dad out because he doesn't like Harry Potter."

Ginny: "That sounds about right. Except. . . ."

Me: "What?"

Ginny: "I was just wondering about what those poor chickens felt like when their eggshells were cracked open so we wouldn't have forgetfulness. Wouldn't that hurt them?"

Voldemort: "Finally, someone who understands me! Wouldn't you like to be a vegetarian now?"

Ginny: "Not really, I couldn't live without BBQ chicken from KFC."

Me: "Eww, I hate KFC."

Voldemort: "Do you want to be a vegetarian?"

Me: "No, my sister is though, along with my freshman English teacher."

Voldemort: "Yes! I will go recruit them as vegetarian Death Eaters!"

Me: "Um . . . I doubt they'll want to be Death Eaters, Voldy."

Voldemort: "DON'T CALL ME VOLDY!"

Me: "I can call you whatever I want, Snivellus."

Sirius: "That doesn't even make sense."

Me: "I know, but it's to infuriate him and make him forget about recruiting my sister and teacher as Death Eaters."

Sirius: "Didn't he just hear you?"

Voldemort: "You got me so mad, I'm just going to give up on recruiting Muggle Death Eaters now!" *leaves*

Sirius: "How did that work?"

Me: "Because I was too lazy to have him do that right now. I need to end this chapter soon, anyway."

Ginny: "Wait, don't end it yet, you forgot to do one thing in the summary!"

Me: "What?"

Ginny: "We have to discuss what came first, the chicken or the egg."

Me: "I know, I kept trying to slip that in but when Voldemort came in it was basically impossible."

Ginny: "Well, now we can discuss it, I think it was the egg that came first because the dinosaurs evolved into chicken-like things and then they laid an egg which was the first real chicken."

Me: *sigh* "No, it was definitely the chicken, because God made all the animals first and the chicken would be an animal, even if it was a chick, I doubt God would just drop down an egg."

Ginny: "Egg!"

Me: "Chicken!"

Ginny: "Egg!"

Me: "Chicken!"

Lupin: "Here, I got BBQ chicken from KFC and scrambled eggs from Scramblers."

Ginny and Me: *roll our eyes*

Lupin: "What? What?"