Random Conversations

Chapter 7: Sammy and Chuck

I have bad news and good news. The good news is that Cuaron has finally left my mind and I don't have to have conversations with that horrible director anymore. The bad news is why he left. As you know, in Chapter 6, Cuaron and I decided to make a movie, Harry Potter and the Quest for a Plot Point which was changed to Harry Potter and the Quest for Almond-Topped Pizza. Cuaron got excited because he thought it would make loads of money. Money, money, money!!! Unfortunately, it only made $4.50, he gave it to the movie theaters for $4.50 and he was the only one who bought a ticket for $4.50. Sad, I know. So, right now Cuaron is probably depressed and probably drinking loads of coffee, I hope he has almonds with him. . . .

Sirius: "Almondo's Best Almonds! Try them today!"

Me: *sigh* "Hello, Sirius."

Sirius: "Hey, Liz! I have great news, I'm hyper!"

Me: You're hyper 24/7. "Why are you hyper?"

Sirius: "Why? You have to ask why? You don't know?"

Me: "Er . . . no."

Sirius: "Victoria is pregnant!"

Me: "Oh, yeah, now you can start your mutant circus, right?"

Sirius: "Yeah!"

Me: "How do you know if your grandkids even want to be in a circus as mutant kids?"

Sirius: "Well, too bad if they don't! Because I want to make money! Big bucks!"

Me: "You won't even give them some of the profit?"

Sirius: "No, it's all mine! MINE!"

Me: "Okay, he's a bit weird."

Harry: "A bit?"

Me: "Thank you, Harry."

Sirius: "Oh, look it's my godson, soon to be a father!" *cheesy grin*

Harry: "I heard you, Sirius and if you want to start a circus like that with my kids as mutant kids, then. . . ."

Me: "Finally, a voice of reason!"

Harry: "You have to give me some of the money!"

Me: "What?"

Lupin: "Welcome to corporate England, Liz."

Me: *roll my eyes*

Victoria: "Hey, what about me? I'm the one who's going to go through hours of labor to bring kids into the world and you won't even give me some of the dough?"

Sirius: "You and Harry can split it."

Harry: "Hey, that's not fair! They're our kids and you want us to split the money you make on them?"

Sirius: "Yeah, that sounds about right."

Harry: "Why you. . . ."

Sirius: "Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now!" *runs out of scene being chased by Harry*

Me: "Wow, Sirius sure has a lot of people after him: Bellatrix, Mrs. Weasley, and now Harry."

Mrs. Weasley: "I thought Sirius was dead."

Bellatrix: "So did I."

Me: "No, he lived by the power of almonds!"

Mrs. Weasley and Bellatrix: "Almonds?"

Me: "Not just almonds, Almondo's Best Almonds!"

Bellatrix: "That's a bit weird."

Mrs. Weasley: "A bit?"

Guy: "How dare you insult almonds, they are the thing that people live for, besides almond-topped pizza, that is."

Manager: "ALMONDS ARE EVIL!"

Guy: "No, almonds are great, aren't they, Sirius?"

Sirius: "Yup, they are."

Manager: "NO! They are evil!" *chases after Sirius along with Harry, Mrs. Weasley, and Bellatrix*

Me: "Well, he's dead."

Guy: "You think so?"

Me: "Yeah, but then again, I'll probably write him in as being alive again, so that I don't miss any characters."

Guy: "Would you miss me if I left?"

Me: "Not really."

Guy: "What? I've never been more insulted in my life!" *runs out*

Victoria: "So. . . ."

Me: "Yeah."

Hermione: "Victoria, congratulations! Ron and I just heard! Is it a girl or a boy?"

Victoria: "They're twin boys!"

Hermione: "Oh, that's so great! What are their names?"

Victoria: "We've basically decided on Sammy and Chuck but Harry wanted to call one of them Harry Jr."

Hermione: "That's dumb, I can't believe I ever married him."

Ron: "You only married him for a minute, sweet Hermy."

Hermione: *sigh* "Yes, and then I found you, my darling Ronnie." *passionate kiss*

Me: "Not Hermy and Ronnie again." *gags*

Ginny: "Wait, you and Hermione are married, Ron?"

Ron: "Yup, we've been married for around three chapters, now."

Hermione: "Why, didn't you know?"

Ginny: "Because Liz kept forgetting to write me in knowing about it. So, is Harry a single?"

Ron: "Er. . . ."

Hermione: "Well. . . ."

Victoria: "He's married to me."

Ginny: "What? My love is married to an alligator?"

Victoria: "And we're having twins!"

Ginny faints.

Victoria: "Er . . . does anyone know CPR?"

Ron: "Nope."

Hermione: "Nada."

Me: "I couldn't do it even if I did know how because you guys are just in my mind, remember? Sirius, do you know how to do CPR?"

Sirius: "What's CPR?"

Me: *face-palm*

Harry: "Wait, I know how to do CPR!"

Me: "Finally, someone smart!"

Harry performs CPR on Ginny and she wakes up. Harry's lips are near hers.

Ginny: "Oh, Harry, I knew you cared! I knew you wouldn't marry an alligator!"

Victoria: "Er . . . he did."

Ginny: "NO! I thought that was only a dream! NO!!!"

Harry: "And we're having twins, would you like to come to the baby shower?"

Ginny: "NO! You're my love, Harry, mine, not Victoria's, mine!"

Me: "Welcome to the club."

Ginny: "What club?"

Me: *sigh* "That was sarcasm, Ginny, but if you want to join a club. . . ."

Hermione: "How about SPHW?"

Me: "How'd you know about that?"

Hermione: "It's in your You Know You're Obsessed With Harry Potter When. . . . list."

Me: "How'd you read that, though?"

Sirius: "The same way that I did."

Me: "How'd you do it?"

Sirius: "Magic."

Me: *roll my eyes* "I want a real explanation, Padfoot."

Sirius: "Hey, you can't call me Padfoot. Only Marauders can call me that."

Me: "Well, I just did, ha!"

Lupin: "Why does this remind me of a conversation in Chapter 2?"

Me: "You weren't even around during that conversation."

Lupin: "Well, I read it."

Me: "How?"

Lupin: "Magic."

Me: "Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! I'm tired of you guys doing everything by supposed magic!"

Lupin: "How do you know it's supposed? How do you know we're not actually doing magic?"

Me: "Because my brain, again, my brain, is impervious to magical spells, it's like Hogwarts being impervious to Muggle technology."

Harry: "Hogwarts can't have Muggle technology?"

Hermione: "No! Haven't you ever read, Hogwarts, A History?"

Harry: "Er . . . no, just the Harry Potter books."

Me: *face-palm*

Ginny: "What's SPHW?"

Me: "The Society for the Protection of Harmless Werewolves."

Ginny: "Ooh, I'd like to join!"

Lupin: "Me too!"

Manager: "You shouldn't join SPHW, you should join AWMBE!"

Ginny: "AWMBE?"

Manager: "All Werewolves Must Be Eliminated. Mwahaha!"

Lupin: "NO!"

Dad: "YES! Mwahaha! All werewolves will be eliminated and so will everyone from Harry Potter!"

Lupin: "He's evil."

Me: "No, he's just deprived."

Lupin: "But he said werewolves and all the characters from Harry Potter must be eliminated!"

Me: "Yes, I know that's evil, but he's the one preordering the Goblet of Fire movie, so we call him deprived until then, then we can call him evil."

Lupin: "Good plan."

Ginny: "No, your dad isn't evil, Liz, it is Victoria that's evil! She has stolen my darling Harry and has married him and now they're going to have mutant twins and be a happy family and Ron has Hermione and I have no one!"

Peter: "I'm still open, Ginny."

Ginny: "Eww!"

Peter: "Why doesn't anyone like me, I'm just ugly Wormtail, James gets Lily and Sirius gets all the sexy girls, and Lupin gets Tonks. Who do I get?"

Lupin: "No one, Peter because you betrayed all of us to Voldemort."

Peter: "I d-didn't mean to!"

Lupin: "Do you know what a horrible line that is?"

Peter: "As bad as the one about Sirius saying to Snape to go off and play with his chemistry set?"

Lupin: "It's close."

Peter: *wails* "No one loves me!"

Me: "Yup."

Ginny: "No! I have an intelligent thought that can get rid of Victoria for good! Mwahaha!"

Me: "What is it?"

Ginny: "We set Victoria up with Peter!"

Me: "Um. . . ."

Hermione: "That's a great idea, Ginny!"

Me: "I thought you liked Victoria."

Hermione: "Well, now I don't! Mwahaha!"

Me: "Okay, this is a bit weird."

Victoria: "A bit?"

Hermione and Ginny: "Victoria, where'd you come from?"

Victoria: "Er . . . I'm right here, remember?"

Ginny: *blushes* "Oh, yeah, sorry about that."

Hermione: "Yeah, sorry. Ha, ha."

Victoria: "Um, are you alright?"

Hermione and Ginny: "Yeah, we're fine."

Me: "Don't ask."

Victoria: "I won't."

Ginny: "Okay, back to the plan."

Hermione: "So, what's the plan?"

Ginny: "To set Peter up with Victoria."

Hermione: "How?"

Ginny: "I'm still working that out."

Hermione: *face-palm*

Ginny: "Wait, I have just had a stroke of genius!"

Hermione: "What?"

Ginny: "We write a love-letter to Victoria. . . ."

Hermione: "What are you, gay?"

Ginny: "No, fool!"

Me: "Isn't Hermione supposed to be the smart one?"

Ginny: "Well, right now she isn't, right now she's being a bit tactless."

Hermione: "Hey, that's my line, that's what I say to Harry when he goes on that horrible date with Cho."

Cho: "Oh, and am I the one who made it horrible? It wasn't my fault, I just wanted to talk about Cedric and talk about my feelings, but Harry was so insensitive!" *wails*

Hermione: "I know exactly how you feel, Cho, Harry wouldn't even buy me a ring when I got married to him!"

Cho: "You were married to Harry?"

Hermione: "Only for a few minutes, then we divorced and I married my darling Ronnie instead!"

Me: *gags* "Not Ronnie again!"

Cho: "Oh, the Tornado-hater?"

Ron: "The Tornadoes are evil, they are cheating in the League!"

Luna: "Ronald is right, you know."

Ron: "Why do you always call me Ronald, instead of Ron?"

Luna: "Because I love you, Ronald! That's what some shippers say anyway, along with the Harry/Luna ships."

Me: "What about the Liz/Harry ships?"

Sirius: *rolls his eyes*

Me: "Shut up, Sirius."

Sirius: "I didn't say anything."

Me: "Why, you. . . ."

Hermione: "Well, Ron's my husband, Luna, not yours, so you can just give up on him!"

Luna: "But Ronald is my one true love!"

Neville: "What about me? We're both weirdoes, aren't we?"

Luna: "Yes, but Ronald told such a wonderful alligator story." *sigh* "Daddy would love to put it in the Quibbler: brave young man gets bitten by wild beast. . . ."

Victoria: "That 'wild beast,' happens to be married to Harry Potter right now." *snaps*

Luna: "Uh, oh. Sure Neville, I'd love to marry you!" *runs off with Neville into the sunset*

Ron: "Thanks, Victoria, I sure wouldn't want to be married to Loony Lovegood all my life."

Hermione: "I wouldn't have let you, my sweet Ronnie. We'll spend our lives together!"

Ron: *gulp*

Me: "There's foreshadowing of future marriage problems."

Cho: "What about me? Ron and Hermione are together and Neville and Luna are together and Harry even has an alligator, but I have no one, no one!" *wails* "What's the point of being pretty, if you can't even have a boyfriend?"

Me: "I thought you had Roger Davies."

Cho: *sniff* "I did, but he went off to try and marry Fleur Delacour but Bill attacked him because it was near the full moon because he's part werewolf, so he got grumpy and he killed Roger!" *wails again*

Me: "Let me guess, Jo forgot to mention it."

Cho: *sniff* "Yup."

Manager: "That's why you should join AWMBE, werewolves are violent."

Dad: "And evil."

Me: "Well, wouldn't you have attacked someone if they tried to marry your wife?"

Manager: "I'm not married."

Dad: "And I'm divorced."

Me: *sigh* "That was a rhetorical question."

Dumbledore: "A rhetorical question is a question that's not meant to be answered."

Me: *sigh* "I know, Dumbledore. If you enjoy doing this so much, then why don't you go and get a Muggle job again?"

Dumbledore: "Was that a rhetorical question?"

Me: "No, actually."

Dumbledore: "Alright, then." *walks off to get a Muggle job*

Cho: "See, that's why I have to get married. I don't want to end up like Manager or Dad, making up pointless societies about werewolves, or answering pointless questions, like Dumbledore."

Dad: "AWMBE isn't pointless!"

Me: *roll my eyes*

Manager: "I have an idea, let's make up a whole new society!"

Dad: "What?"

Manager: "AAMBE, All Almonds Must Be Eliminated. Mwahaha!"

Dad: "Yes!"

Sirius: "NO!" *runs after Manager and Dad, throwing almonds at them*

Cho: "And I don't want to make up pointless societies about almonds, either!" *wails* "Why can't I have a normal guy who isn't afraid to show his feelings?"

Peter: "I'm open, you know, Cho."

Heavenly music plays.

Cho: "Oh, my true love, Petey!"

Me: *gags and nearly chokes*

Peter: "Oh, my sweet Cho, forgive me for not noticing you all these years!"

Me: "Um . . . you never met."

Peter: "Yes, we did. It was one of those things Jo forgot to mention. You see, during the years before I was a cowardly Death Eater, Cho's and my family knew each other, but I never realized she was my true love!"

Me: "This is just wrong. They're way too old to have a relationship together, it's like student/Remus fics, they're just plain wrong!"

Peter: "Who cares how old we are, we've found love! If I wanted to marry a goat, I could, couldn't I?"

Me: "Er . . . why would you want to marry a goat?"

Peter: "Suppose I fell in love with that goat and wanted it to share my medical benefits, I could, couldn't I?"

Me: "No."

Cho: "If you're trying to make a point, Peter, it's not working, so let's just get out of here."

Peter: "You're right of course, my sweet Cho." *the two drive off in a sexy sports car into the sunset*

Ginny: "NO!!! Peter was my only chance to get Harry, no!"

Sirius: "Hey, how come Peter and Cho got a sexy sports car, and the other couples just walked off?"

Me: "To prove a point, that even though they're a weird couple, they can still be cool!"

Sirius: "That's one weird point."

Me: "It's my attempt at symbolism in this fic."

Sirius: "Well, it's a pretty bad attempt."

Me: "Oh, shut up, Sirius."

Victoria: "Shut up, both of you." *screams and groans*

Harry: "Victoria, what is it?"

Victoria: "Our children, Harry."

Harry: "Harry II and Harry III?"

Victoria: *sigh* "No, Sammy and Chuck."

Me: "That was kind of sudden wasn't it?"

Victoria: "Hey, you wrote it in, because you had to make the twins be born in this chapter because that's the title or all this would have been totally pointless."

Me: *mumbles* "Wouldn't be the first time."

Sirius: "My mutant grandkids are born, yay! Let me see them, let me see them!"

Victoria hands Sammy and Chuck to Sirius.

Sirius: "Hey there, little guys. Do you want to make Grandpa Sirius lots of money, hmm?"

Sammy: *snaps at Sirius*

Sirius: "Ow!"

Chuck: *snaps at Sirius*

Sirius: "Ow, stop it! Don't you want to make your Grandpa Sirius loads of money?"

Both: *snap at Sirius and giggle* "Not unless we get some of the dough."

Me: "Okay, how can a few minute old infants talk?"

Victoria: "Hey, you're the one who wrote this."

Me: "Yeah, but it doesn't make sense even to my weird brain."

Sirius: "Then why did you write it? They're hurting me!"

Me: "I guess for that reason alone, then." *laughs as Sammy and Chuck snap at Sirius*

Sirius: "Ow, stop it!"