Random Conversations

Chapter 6: Eating Out

This chapter marks a great point in this totally pointless fan fic, Random Conversations. Why? you may ask. The answer is simple my brave friend. Up till now, the chapters have been planned by the characters and I in Chapter 1 by the character's wishes (but their wishes weren't really fulfilled because we went off on a tangent, wait isn't that like stream of consciousness?) Yes, this is educational too!

Dumbledore: "The stream of consciousness technique in literature is imitating the non-sequential thought pattern of a character-in this case, you."

Me: *sigh* "I know what stream of consciousness is, Dumbledore. I learned it a few days ago when my English teacher taught it to me. Now, wait a sec, I'm trying to write the intro and then we can get to the randomness." Wow, I'm surprised it wasn't Sirius interrupting.

Sirius: "I was eating almonds. They're great and they really stimulate you!" *eats an almond and grins* "Almondo's Best Almonds!"

Me: "That guy created a monster."

Guy: "But almonds are great! And they're also good for you! Almondo's Best Almonds!"

Sirius: "Oh, yeah!"

Anyway, like I said before, the first five chapters were planned but now we enter the realm of speculation and guesswork (Half-Blood Prince, The House of Gaunt, Albus Dumbledore). So, if you thought the first five chapters were random, get ready for even more randomness! If you are too scared to continue on with this fan fic, then I understand. Just go and read another fic, but please leave a review on the way out.

Harry: "Why do you want people to leave reviews anyway, Liz?"

Me: "So that I can hear what the people think and try and improve it. For this fic is made for the people!"

Harry: "You mean you'll actually improve this fic?"

Me: Thanks for ruining the moment, Harry. "I'll try, but it's kind of hard with you guys and your totally pointless talk."

Harry: "What do you mean?"

Sirius: "Almondo's Best Almonds, try them today!"

Me: "See what I mean?"

Harry: "Um . . . no."

Me: "That was a rhetorical question, Harry."

Harry: "What's a rhetorical question?"

Dumbledore: "A question that isn't meant to be answered."

Me: "Thank you, Dumbledore. Victoria, I don't think you're doing your job right. Harry's still pretty stupid."

Victoria: *sigh* "I know, but I had a lot on my plate getting him to read the first five Harry Potter novels."

Me: "He didn't read Half-Blood Prince?"

Victoria: "No, I told him it was really sad before he read it and now he's refusing to open it."

Me: "Yeah, I know, with Dumbledore dying and everything."

Harry: "Dumbledore died? Yes! Who killed him?"

Victoria: "Er . . . Snape."

Harry: "Yes! Dumbledore died!" *reads Half-Blood Prince in a second*

Draco: "No, Dumbledore died! NO!"

Dumbledore: "What, I die? NO!" *he walks off with Draco, both of them sobbing*

Me: "Okay, that was a bit weird."

Hermione: "A bit?"

Harry: "Hey, 'Mione, do you know who R.A.B. is?"

Hermione: "I thought it was Binns but Liz said that that was wrong."

Harry: "Who is it then?"

Me: "R.A.B. is Regulus Black, Sirius's little brother."

Harry, Hermione, and Victoria: "WHAT?"

Regulus: "That's right, everyone. I stole the locket Horcrux and have destroyed it. Mwahaha!"

Harry: "Wait, a Horcrux is part of Voldemort's soul, isn't it?"

Me: "Yup."

Harry: "Yay! I only have three more to destroy."

Dumbledore: "Actually, Harry, I chose Draco for that task now, since you and I are mad at each other."

Hermione: "So Draco's the Chosen One?"

Dumbledore: "Yup."

Victoria: "But isn't Draco a Death Eater?"

Dumbledore: "Not any more."

Harry: "How do you know?"

Dumbledore: "I trust Draco Malfoy."

Me: "Isn't that what killed Dumbledore in the first place, trusting too much?"

Victoria: "Yup, he trusted Snape too much and Snape killed him."

Snape: "What? I would never kill Dumbledore!"

Sirius: "But you did, Snivellus."

Me: "Wait a sec, where'd Snape come from?"

Snape: "I am back . . . again. And don't call me Snivellus, Black."

Sirius: "I can call you whatever I want, Snivelly."

Snape: "And don't call me that either!"

Sirius: *barks*

Me: "Why is it that every time they meet, they fight?"

Lupin: "It's the way they are, they have a natural hatred of each other."

Me: "Well, we should fix that."

Lupin: "Good luck."

James: "Go Sirius!"

Regulus: "Wait a sec, did you just say Sirius?"

James: "Oh my God, Sirius, your brother's alive!"

Sirius: "Regulus?"

Regulus: "Sirius?"

Both: "Oh my God, you're alive!" *hug each other*

Me: Okay, this is wrong. "I thought Sirius and Regulus hated each other."

Lupin: "They did, but when Sirius heard Regulus had been killed by Death Eaters because he tried to back out, Sirius felt bad and became sad that his brother had died."

Me: "Why didn't he tell Harry that?"

Lupin: "Because he wanted to act like he hated his whole family and didn't feel attached toward any of them."

Me: "Yet another one of the things Jo forgot to mention?"

Lupin: "Yup."

Me: *sigh*

Regulus and Sirius: "Let's get Snivellus." *start punching and hitting Snape*

Snape: "Ow, stop it, stop it!"

Regulus: "Eat walnuts, fool!"

Me: "Walnuts? What do they do?"

Lupin: "They cause unbearable suffering when they are stuffed up a person's nostrils."

Me: "Well, wouldn't that hurt with any food stuffed up your nostrils?"

Lupin: "Probably, but they only had walnuts at the time so they made do with walnuts."

Sirius: "Eat Almondo's Best Almonds, fool!"

Snape: "Ahhhhh! I want my mummy!"

Sirius: "Well, go and play with your chemistry set, Snivellus." *kicks Snape and lets him run off wailing*

Lupin: "Why do you insist on saying that line from the movie, Pads? It's really bad."

Sirius: "No, it isn't. Cuaron is a genius, I tell you!"

Cuaron: "Thank you, Sirius."

Me: "Where'd Alfonso come from? He's not a Harry Potter character."

Lupin: "Neither is Guy or Victoria."

Me: "So? I made those guys up. Alfonso Cuaron is a real person and not that good a director for Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban."

Sirius: "What? How can you say that, Liz? He was the best director ever!"

Me: *roll my eyes*

Cuaron: "I've never been more insulted in my life! My direction of Prisoner of Azkaban was great!"

Me: "Yeah, if you don't count all those really cheesy parts. And what about that ending, a freeze frame of Harry on a broom? Way too sudden."

Cuaron: "You just don't understand physics."

Me: "Er . . . what does physics have to do with directing a movie?"

Cuaron: "I don't know, but I'll think of something!"

Me: "You annoy me so much, you. . . ."

Harry: "Wait, Liz!"

Me: "What?"

Harry: "You want to be able to improve this fic, don't you?"

Me: "Yes."

Harry: "Well, what better way than to make a movie with Cuaron as the director?"

Me: "Not when he's a really bad director."

Harry: "A lot of people think Cuaron's good, believe it or not."

Sirius: "Cuaron is a genius, I tell you!"

Harry: "Think of all the publicity, our names in lights! Forget Goblet of Fire, it's the new and improved Random Harry Potter!"

Me: "No, don't forget Goblet of Fire. It's coming out in four days and I'll watch it in seven days! Yay!"

Harry: "What then?"

Me: "How about Order of the Phoenix? Some people don't think it's worth a movie, anyway. It was on the Yahoo Message Boards."

Harry: "Yes! Forget Order of the Phoenix, and see Random Harry Potter!"

Me: "Yes! Hey, Alfonso."

Cuaron: *sniff* "Are you going to insult me again?"

Me: "No, we want you to direct a movie, Random Harry Potter.

Cuaron: "Alright, I was thinking of directing another Harry Potter movie, anyway but this one sounds much better. Let's just lose the Random Harry Potter and make it Harry Potter and the Quest for a Plot Point."

Sirius: "Great title! Cuaron is a genius, I tell you!"

Me: "Whatever, anyway, we have to have something with a point, what should the plot be in the movie?"

Cuaron: "How about we do a showdown between Harry and Voldemort?"

Me: "Yeah, right after he's destroyed all the Horcruxes he has to kill Voldemort and he goes after Voldemort without Ron or Hermione."

Dumbledore: "Destroying the Horcruxes is Draco's job."

Me: "Well, for the purposes of this movie, we'll make Harry do it because Draco's supposed to be the bad guy. So, what happens after that?"

Cuaron: "How about Voldemort captures Harry before Harry can kill him and is about to kill Harry. . . ."

Me: "But Harry saves the day in some strange and lucky way involving their two wands, phoenix tears, and Dumbledore."

Cuaron: "That works, it'll probably only be thirty minutes though."

Me: "Not if we do everything in slow motion."

Cuaron: "Perfect! Hey, Harry, Voldy, come over here!"

Voldemort: "DON'T CALL ME VOLDY!"

Cuaron: "Touchy."

Harry: "So, are we going to make the movie?"

Me: "Yup. Okay, you and Voldemort go to some old graveyard or something and fight."

Harry: "How can a graveyard be in your mind?"

Me: "I'll imagine it in my mind's eye."

Trelawney: "Are you a Seer, my dear?"

Me: "No, Trelawney, it's my mind's eye, my imagination. Yours is an Inner Eye."

I imagine a graveyard in my mind's eye and Harry and Voldemort go there.

Harry: "Wait, don't we need someone to film this movie?"

Me: "Oh yeah, how about Guy?"

Cuaron: "Who's guy?"

Me: "Not guy, Guy, and he's some guy who eats almonds. Hey, Guy, want to be the cameraman for Harry Potter and the Quest for a Plot Point?"

Guy: "Sure! Hey, and I can use my computer to put special effects in the movie."

Me: "How'd you know it was a movie?"

Guy: "Because you were too lazy to explain the situation to me again on the computer."

Me: "True."

Harry: "Wait, where will Guy get a camera?"

Me: "It's attached to the computer."

Harry: "How?"

Me: "I wrote it in and I was too lazy to explain him getting one."

Guy has a camera attached to his computer.

Harry: "Smart."

Cuaron: "Enough chit-chat, let's start!"

Me: "Okay, Harry, you bring out your wand and be about ready to hit Voldemort with a spell."

Harry: "Um, alright. But won't it not work with the Priori Incantatem?"

Me: "For the purposes of this movie, we're making you come up with some thoroughly complicated potion that counteracts the effects of Priori Incantatem."

Harry: "You're doing a lot of weird things for the purposes of this movie."

Me: "Who is the director here?"

Cuaron: "Me."

Me: *sigh* "Who is the person who is writing this worthless conversation down?"

Harry: "You."

Me: "Exactly, now do it!"

Harry: *sigh* "Fine." *takes out his wand and points it at Voldemort*

Me: "Guy, are you taping this?"

Guy: "No, I can't."

Me: *sigh* "Why not?"

Guy: "I'm hungry, and a genius can't work on an empty stomach."

Me: "Why don't you eat some almonds, then?"

Guy: "I don't have any with me." *wails*

Harry: "I'm hungry, too."

Voldemort: "So am I."

Guy: "Let's go out to eat."

Harry and Voldemort: "Yeah!"

Cuaron and Me: *roll our eyes*

Voldemort: "Let's go to Subway!"

Harry: "Let's go to Burger King!"

Guy: "Let's go to Spike's!"

Voldemort: "Subway!"

Harry: "Burger King!"

Guy: "Spike's!"

Voldemort: "Subway!"

Harry: "Burger King!"

Guy: "Spike's!"

Sirius: "I have an idea, let's go to Ronzio's."

All: "That works."

All of them go to Ronzio's.

Muggle Girl: "Oh my God, are you Harry Potter?"

Harry: "Er . . . yeah, I am."

Muggle Girl: "Oh my God, can I like, have your autograph? I'm obsessed with Harry Potter, I can't believe this is happening!"

Me: She isn't really obsessed. Harry is mine, not Victoria's, not this Muggle Girl's, MINE!!! Wait a sec, how can a Muggle Girl be in my mind if I don't want her to be?

Cuaron: "How can I have gotten into your head if you don't want me to be? Or Guy or Victoria?"

Me: "Well, you're important to the plot. . . ."

Cuaron: "Guy is important to the plot?"

Me: "Yes! Almonds cure coffee!"

Sirius: "Not just almonds, Almondo's Best Almonds!"

Me: "Thank you, Sirius." Wait a sec, did I just thank Sirius? *nearly faints*

Cuaron: "And how is Victoria important to the plot?"

Me: "Hmm. . . ."

Victoria walks in while Harry is making out with the Muggle Girl.

Victoria: "Harry Potter! Have you forgotten you were married to me and can't go off making out with other girls?"

Muggle Girl: "You're married? You told me you were single! You liar, I hate you! I have never been more insulted in my life!" *runs off wailing*

Harry: "Muggle Girl, wait!"

Me: "You don't even know her name and you made out with her?"

Harry: "Her name's Muggle Girl."

Me: "How do you know?"

Harry: "Because that's what you've been writing down and she didn't tell me otherwise."

Victoria: *snaps at Harry*

Harry: "Ow, Victoria!"

Victoria: "Well, maybe that will teach you not to cheat on your wife." *snaps at Harry again*

Guy: "Let's get pizza!"

Voldemort: "Alright, let's get mushroom topping."

Harry: "No, pepperoni!"

Voldemort: "Didn't you ever think of anyone's feelings, Harry? Didn't you ever stop to think that I could be a vegetarian?" *wails*

Harry: "You're a vegetarian?"

Voldemort: "That's right, I hate to think of the poor little pigs and cows and sheep being killed and then us eating them and chopping them to pieces in our mouths."

Me: "The number one evil wizard in the world, is a vegetarian?"

Sirius: "Yup. It's one of those things that. . . ."

Me: *sigh* "Jo forgot to mention."

Guy: "Well, how about we get an almond topping? That'll suit everybody."

Sirius: "Great idea! This Guy is a genius, I tell you!"

Cashier: "Can I help you?"

Guy: "We'd like to order three large almond pizzas, please."

Cashier: "Er . . . we don't have almonds as a topping."

Sirius: "What? No almonds? Don't you ever think of the customer?"

Cashier: "Well, not many people want almonds on their pizza."

Sirius: "Well, you should try and please those people who do want almonds on their pizza! Did you know that almonds are a cure for coffee, and what if someone came in and was about to have a heart-attack because they'd had too much coffee, hmm? And if you didn't have any almonds, that person would die!"

Cashier: *sniff* "That's so sad! I'll do a petition about getting almonds as a topping for pizza! But right now we can't."

Sirius: "Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Voldemort: "Wait, don't you have that deal where you can order whatever you want on three large pizzas?"

Cashier: "Well, yes, but it's for normal toppings."

Sirius: "Do you have something against almonds?"

Cashier: "No, that almond story changed my life! But, well . . . the people I work for, they fear change. They only order three large pepperoni pizzas."

Voldemort: "NO! Those poor cows!"

Manager: "What's going on here?"

Cashier: "Well, these people want almonds on their pizza, sir."

Manager: "ALMONDS ARE EVIL!"

Guy and Sirius: "EAT ALMONDO'S BEST ALMONDS, FOOL!"

Voldemort: "COW KILLER!"

Guy, Sirius, and Voldemort attack the manager and beat him up with frying pans and Almondo's Best Almonds.

Me: "Is someone taping this?"

Cuaron: "I am. This is even better than Harry Potter and the Quest for a Plot Point. This is Harry Potter and the Quest for Almond-Topped Pizza! It will be the highest-grossing film since Titanic!"

Me: "Somehow, I doubt that."

Trelawney: "My dear, do you have an Inner Eye?"

Me: "No, but it's kind of obvious."

Trelawney: "How? I foresee only good things for this movie."

Me: *roll my eyes*

Voldemort: "COW KILLER!"