Random Conversations

Chapter 5: Almonds

Have any of you learned about the Great Depression in History class? I have, and it was a really depressing time (which you should understand by the name). If you are worried that this chapter will be educational, then fear not. It will not. I am simply trying to make a comparison between the Great Depression and myself. For I am even more depressed than the people in the Great Depression were. Why? you may ask. The answer is simply my un-depressed friend, Harry is married to Victoria the alligator and there's nothing I can do about it! *wails* I mean, who would choose an alligator over me? Me! Liz, the author of this fan fic, he chose to marry an alligator instead of me! But Victoria will pay, I will make her pay for marrying my love! Mwahaha! There, now I'm a bit more stimulated and a little less depressed. I wish I could say the same about Harry's family. They are very depressed that Harry has married an alligator, James and Lily especially. I think they expected him to marry Ginny or Hermione, but definitely not an alligator!!! I'm not sure how Sirius is taking it though. Wait a sec, was I just worried about Sirius? I must be really depressed.

Sirius: "Hey, Liz. I'm not depressed at all! I'm feeling great about my godson marrying an alligator! Then, I can have mutant grandkids!"

Me: "Er . . . why do you want mutant grandkids?"

Sirius: "Because they'd look cool. And I could start a circus with them as mutant kids along with me being a stand-up comedian! Hey, do you know why the chicken used the toilet?"

Me: "Sirius, shut up with that joke. It's really annoying along with the joke about your name."

Sirius: "But me telling you jokes will help get you less depressed."

Me: "So now you're a psychologist?"

Sirius: "No, I am a stand-up comedian! However, I know how you are feeling anyway. You are feeling depressed because my godson married an alligator instead of you. . . ."

Me: "Yes, me!"

Sirius: "Okay, let me finish. So, therefore, you need to get un-depressed so telling you jokes will help you get stimulated from laughter and you'll get happy instead of depressed."

Me: I'll pretend that made sense. "Not when they're really bad jokes!"

Sirius: "What? My jokes aren't bad. They're really funny!"

Me: *murmurs* "To you."

Sirius: "I heard that! I've never been more insulted in my life!"

Me: Yay! Now he'll wail and run out.

Sirius: "Will not! I am going to help get you stimulated and un-depressed. And I know one surefire way to do that."

Me: "And that would be. . . .?"

Sirius: "COFFEE!"

Me: "No, I hate coffee! My dad likes it but not me! No way!"

Sirius: "But coffee is so good! And it's healthy!"

Me: "No, it isn't, you idiot! It might be healthy to someone who eats junk food all day." *cough* "Sirius" *cough* "But not to me!"

Sirius: "But it really stimulates you! I gave it to James and Lily and they weren't the same since."

Me: "In what way?"

Sirius: "Um. . . ."

James: "I'M HYPER! HA, HA, HA, HA, HA! I WANT TO HAVE MUTANT GRANDKIDS, SO SIRIUS CAN GET RICH AND BUY ME MORE COFFEE!!! HA, HA, HA!"

Lily: "I'M EVEN MORE HYPER! MWAHAHA, AND I'LL GET MORE COFFEE! MWAHAHA!"

James: "NUH-UH!"

Lily: "UH-HUH!"

James: "NUH-UH!"

Lily: "UH-HUH!"

Me: "Okay, I'm scared."

Sirius: *drinks coffee* "BUT IT'S GREAT, LIZ!!! I'M HYPER!"

Me: "Now I'm even more scared."

Hermione: "Hey, Liz!"

Me: "Ahhhhhhhhhhh! I'm not drinking coffee!"

Hermione: "Er . . . I didn't ask you to. But, I was just wondering about the conversation we were going to have."

Me: "Oh, right. Sorry. . . ."

Ron: "Hey, Hermy! Want some coffee?"

Me: "Hermione, don't do it. You've got your whole life ahead of you!"

Hermione: "Sure, Ronnie!" *drinks coffee* "I'M SO HYPER!"

Ron: *drinks coffee* "I'M EVEN MORE HYPER!"

Me: "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Coffee is so horrible!"

All: "COFFEE IS GREAT!"

Me: "Okay, this is really scary."

Lupin: "What's going on here?"

Sirius: "Moony, mate have some coffee! IT'S GREAT!"

Lupin: "Ugh, no! I hate coffee!"

Me: "Finally, a voice of reason!"

Ron: "Why don't you like COFFEE, Lupin? It's GREAT!"

Lupin: "It stunts your growth and makes your blood cholesterol go up."

James: "It does?"

Lupin: "Yup."

James: "Ah!" *has a heart-attack and faints*

Lupin: "That's why you shouldn't drink coffee."

All: "Ah!" *all have heart-attacks and faint*

Me: "Are they dead?"

Lupin: "No, they just fainted."

Me: "Are you sure?"

Lupin: "Well, it looks like Sirius might be dead." *hits Sirius over the head with a frying pan but Sirius doesn't move* "Yup, he's dead."

Me: "We'll have a job explaining this to Harry."

Harry walks in holding hands with Victoria.

Harry: "Hey everybody. . . . What's wrong with everyone?"

Lupin: "They're er . . . napping."

Harry: "Hey, people, wake up."

Everyone wakes up except Sirius.

Me: "There goes solving the problem the easy way."

Lupin: "The easy way?"

Me: "Writing in Sirius becoming alive. But my conscience won't let me do that."

Harry: "Hey, what's wrong with Sirius?"

Lupin: "He's er . . . really tired."

Harry shakes Sirius by the shoulder. He doesn't move.

Harry: "Is he. . . .?"

Lupin: "Yes, Harry, he's dead."

Mrs. Weasley: "NO! That was my job, not coffee's!" *destroys the coffee machine thingy that I can't remember the name of right now, it might even be called a coffee machine but I can't remember*

Bellatrix: "Actually it was my job."

Mrs. Weasley: "No, it was mine. It was one of the things that Jo forgot to mention."

Bellatrix: "Mine!"

Mrs. Weasley: "Mine!"

The two women start having a cat fight about whose job it was to kill Sirius.

Harry: *wailing over Sirius's lifeless body* "This is all my fault!"

Me: "How is it your fault?"

Harry: *sniff* "Because I have to say that and be depressed because that's what a lot of people wrote fan fics about after Order of the Phoenix."

Me: "I thought you hadn't read Order of the Phoenix."

Harry: "I did now. Victoria taught me how to read."

Hermione: "Ooh! Did you read Hogwarts, A History?"

Victoria: "Are you kidding? That's one of my favorite books!"

Me: Oh yeah, I forgot that that was the point of this chapter. "Hey, did you two read Half-Blood Prince?"

Hermione: "Oh yeah, it was so sad!"

Victoria: "Do you know who R.A.B. is? I have no idea."

Hermione: "It's obvious it's Professor Binns, isn't it?"

Me: *sigh* "No, it isn't Binns, it's. . . ."

Harry: "You guys, we have to save Sirius!"

Hermione and Victoria: "No! Now we'll never know who R.A.B. is, NO!!!"

Lily: "Is there any way to save him?"

James: "There has to be! He's my best friend, I'll do anything to save him!"

Me: "Okay, that's really cheesy."

Hermione: "As cheesy as Harry's hysterical sobbing after he gets back from the graveyard in the Goblet of Fire movie?"

Me: "It's close."

Lupin: "I have an idea."

Harry: "What is it? I'll do anything to save him!"

Me: "No more cheesiness, please!"

Lupin: "In my extensive reading I came across a book about coffee and it said that there was no cure for the effects of coffee-hyperactivity, stunting of growth, and heart-attacks."

Harry: "What was the point of telling us then?"

Lupin: "Let me finish. I didn't think that that was true so I did some research and found that there is one cure for coffee." *drum roll*

All: "What is it?"

Lupin: "The cure for coffee is . . . *another drum roll*

All: "Stop it!"

Lupin: *sigh* "Fine, the cure for coffee is . . . almonds!"

Me: "Almonds? Why almonds? Who wrote this book, anyway?"

Lupin: "It's almonds because their nutrient chemicals counteract the effects of coffee by producing a liquid in the body that is immune against the effects."

Me: I'll pretend that made sense.

Lupin: "And the book is by some guy."

Me: "Well, this guy makes no sense, whoever he is."

Guy: "Yes, I do! It makes perfect sense if you read more and if you eat almonds!"

Me: "Okay, whatever."

Harry: "But where can we find almonds? Does anyone here have any?"

All: "Nope."

Harry: "Ahhh! All hope for saving Sirius is lost!"

Lily: "No, there is still hope!"

James: "How? My best friend is dead and there's nothing I can do!" *wails*

Guy: "I collect almonds, you know and I could give you some."

James and Harry: "Please!"

Guy: "But. . . ."

Me: "Uh, oh, buts aren't good. That usually means there's a consequence."

James: "But what?"

Guy: "But you must give me a computer."

Mr. Weasley: "Ooh, a pomcuter?"

Guy: "Yes, a computer so that I don't have to borrow my friend's ones all the time."

Me: "Um . . . where are we supposed to get a computer?"

Mr. Weasley: "I have one!"

Me: "Oh yeah!" Wow, this is actually a plot point, I'm connecting things in different chapters instead of having them be totally pointless.

Guy: "So can I have it?"

Mr. Weasley: "I don't know. . . ."

James: "Give it to him, now!"

Mr. Weasley: "Sure!"

Me: "Wait, wasn't the mouse broken on the computer?"

Mr. Weasley: "It was fixed."

Me: "How?"

Mr. Weasley: "You wrote it in."

The computer was fixed.

Mr. Weasley: "See?"

Me: "Smart."

Guy: "Yay, I have my own computer now! And almonds! Mwahaha!"

Lupin: "So, will you give us the almonds now?"

Guy: "Oh yeah, here you go." *hands over bag of almonds* "And here's my book, Almonds: The Defense Against Coffee's Evil Effects. Only $19.95! Pick it up at any local bookstore today!" *exits with a flourish while pushing the computer*

James: "Yay! Now we can save Sirius!" *puts an almond into Sirius's mouth*

Sirius opens his eyes and hops up.

Sirius: "Whoa, what happened? COFFEE!"

All: "No, almonds!"

Sirius: "Almonds?"

All: "Almonds! They're great!" *each of them eat an almond and grin*

Sirius: *eats an almond* "These almonds are great! I love them, they get me stimulated! Hey, Liz, try some almonds!"

Me: *sigh* "Okay." *eat an almond from my kitchen* "They're great! They get me stimulated too!"

All: "ALMONDS!" *start doing a line dance* "We love almonds, we love almonds!"

Me: "This is a bit scary . . . yet cool!"

Guy: "I have a computer . . . and almonds!"