Random Conversations

Chapter 4: Victoria

As the reader of this pointless and random fic very well knows, at the end of last chapter, Sirius was humming a very annoying and gross commercial. I'm not sure what the product is but it's about bladder control which is why it's gross. Who wants to hear about controlling your bladder, I ask you? Sirius Black is the answer. Anyway, due to threatening to write in Mrs. Weasley killing him as a tiger, he stopped talking about it. However, after you hear something a lot of the time, it sort of sticks in your brain (like Hedwig's Theme). I am humming that right now, anyway, you get the point. So, I ask your patience with me if I begin humming the bladder control commercial song while having random conversations.

Anyway, as Sirius hasn't interrupted me yet with something really stupid and pointless, I will go on talking. Hmm . . . oh, yeah, I forgot, Thursday, February 16, 2006 was Harry Potter Appreciation Day at my school (this is an unofficial day but you're welcome to celebrate it. Plus it doesn't have to be on February 16, it can be on any day that you think Harry Potter needs to be appreciated for its greatness!). Would you like to know why? Because Harry Potter was mentioned in homeroom and in my next class we watched Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban! It was great!

Sirius: "Why is it that it's always Harry Potter? Why isn't it Sirius Black and the Prisoner of Azkaban? I'm one of the main characters in it, after all!"

Me: "Sirius, I explained this to you in Chapter 3. It's because you're supposedly a mass murderer who escaped from Azkaban and Harry thinks you're evil and wants to kill you because you betrayed his parents."

Sirius: "I did not! Peter did it, not me!"

Peter: "No, I didn't!"

Sirius: "You little liar!"

Peter: "You ugly dog!"

Sirius: "Betrayer!"

Peter: "Murderer!"

Sirius: "Don't start that again! I did not murder James and Lily!"

Peter: "Yes, you did, you pig!"

Me: "Uh . . . excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt." Yes, I do. "But . . . why pig?"

Peter: "I couldn't think of anything better."

Sirius: "Ha, ha!"

Lupin: "Hey, why is Peter here?"

James: "Hey, didn't that guy betray us to Voldemort?"

Lily: "Oh my God, he did! Let's kill him!"

Peter: "Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now!"

Me: "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Sirius: "Hey, that's my line!"

Peter: "Well, it's mine now! Mwahaha!"

Voldemort: "Come on, Wormtail. It's my line!"

Me: "Hey, where are all these people coming from? I mean, James and Lily are dead and Voldemort wouldn't want to be in the same room or whatever with all these people who hate him. How is this happening?"

All: "We don't know, but we'll think of something!"

Fudge: "Oh my God, it's Voldemort and Peter Pettigrew! I can arrest them and be able to do something!"

Tries to put handcuffs on Voldemort.

Voldemort: "Stupefy!"

Peter: "Yay, Voldy!"

Voldemort: "I told you not to call me Voldy!"

Me: "Voldemort's nickname is Voldy?"

Sirius: "Yet another one of the things that Jo forgot to mention!"

Lily: "We should sue her, you know."

Me: Finally, a voice of reason!

Dumbledore: "We do not insult our creator!"

Lily: "Uh, oh."

Dumbledore: "Oh my God! What are James and Lily doing here? They're supposed to be dead!"

Harry: "Oh my God, my parents are alive!"

Dumbledore: "They're supposed to be dead!"

Harry: "But they're alive!"

Dumbledore: "But they were killed by Voldemort!"

Me: "You mean Voldy?"

Harry: "Yeah, but they're here! Oh my God, I love you guys!" *hugs them*

Sirius: "Okay, this is a bit weird."

Dumbledore: "A bit?"

James, Lily, and Harry: "We must kill Voldemort!"

Dumbledore: "But James and Lily are dead!"

Harry: "No, they aren't."

Dumbledore: "Yes, they are."

Harry: No, they aren't!"

Dumbledore: "Yes, they are!"

Harry: "Hey, why am I arguing with you? I thought I was your favorite student!"

Dumbledore: "Well, you aren't anymore! Now, I like Draco Malfoy! Mwahaha!"

Harry: "NO!" *wails*

Me: Well, there goes the point for this chapter.

Voldemort: "Avada Kedavra!"

James and Lily die.

Harry: "NO!" *wails again*

Voldemort: "YES!"

Harry: "Avada Kedavra!"

Voldemort dies.

Voldemort: "NO!"

Harry: "YES!"

Me: "Whoa, did Harry actually kill Voldemort?"

Dumbledore: "No, he didn't. That was actually Voldemort's evil twin, Moldy Wart."

Me: "Voldemort has an evil twin?"

Dumbledore: "Yup."

Sirius: "Yet another one of the things Jo forgot to mention."

Me: "I'm really getting annoyed at all of the things she forgot to mention."

Peter: "Let's sue her!"

Sirius: "Why are you still here?"

Peter: "Hmm . . ." *tick-tock, tick-tock*

Sirius: "Well. . . .?"

Peter: "Because I like it here, pig!"

Me: "Not the pig thing again!"

Sirius: "I've never been more insulted in my life! Our relationship is over!"

Me: "Uh . . . we didn't have a relationship."

Sirius: "Well, if we ever did have one, it's over!"

Me: Okay, whatever.

Harry: *wailing over parents dead bodies*

Dumbledore: "Well, they were dead."

Harry: "Shut up, Dumbledore! You don't understand how I feel!"

Draco: "He never said he did."

Dumbledore: "Thank you, Draco. Let's go." *walks off arm-in-arm with Draco*

Harry: "NO!" *wails louder*

Hermione: "It's alright, Harry. I don't know how you feel but it's alright, anyway."

Harry: "I'm so misunderstood!" *wails still louder*

Me: "Okay, this is getting really annoying."

Hermione: "Tell me about it. Hmm . . . I know, Harry, do you want to marry me?"

Harry: "I'd love to, Hermione. But a lot of the shippers are expecting you to get hooked up with Ron."

Hermione: "Oh, didn't you hear? Ron is engaged to the alligator that bit him!"

Harry and Me: "WHAT?"

Harry: "Well then, sure, Hermione. I'd love to marry you. Right now, in fact!"

Wedding music plays

Peter: "And do you, Harry Potter, take this woman, Hermione Granger as your wife through. . . ."

Harry: "I do."

Peter: "And do you, Hermione Granger, take this man, Harry Potter as your husband through. . . ."

Hermione: "I do."

Peter: "I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."

Harry grabs Hermione and gives her a passionate kiss.

Me: Find a happy place, find a happy place. . . . Ugh, I can't do it! It's too horrible! What happened to the Liz/Harry ships?

Sirius: "Er . . . there were none, Liz. Sorry to disappoint you. I think Peter's open though."

Me: "Very funny, Sirius."

Sirius: "I know, I should work as a stand-up comedian! In fact, I think I'll do the show for this wedding!" *hops onto a stage*

Harry, Hermione, and Peter: *applause*

Sirius: "Hey, everyone! Hope you're having a great time today! Hey, I have a joke for you! Why did the chicken use the toilet?"

Harry and Hermione: "Hmm. . . ."

Peter: "Twenty-four!"

Sirius: "Oh, so close! The correct answer was because it had to go, had to go, had to go right then!"

Me: "Sirius, I thought I told you to stop quoting that commercial!"

Sirius: "You did? I do not recall."

Me: "Well, I did. Oh, Mrs. Weasley!"

Mrs. Weasley: *growls* "You're mine!" *chases after Sirius*

Sirius: "Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now!" *runs out of scene*

Hermione: "Aren't I supposed to get a ring, Harry?"

Harry: "Uh . . . well, since the wedding was on such short notice, I didn't have time. . . .so, uh. . . ."

Hermione: "You won't even get a ring for your wife? I'm divorcing you!"

Harry: "NO! 'Mione, I love you!"

Hermione: "That won't be good enough for me! Oh, Ron!"

Ron comes in holding hands with an alligator.

Ron: "Hey, 'Mione, hey, Harry. Did you two just get married?"

Hermione: "No, we're divorced now! Harry won't even buy me a ring!"

Ron: "That's horrible! I'll buy you a ring, Hermione! I love you!"

Alligator: "What about me, Ron? We've been together so long!"

Me: "How can an alligator talk?"

Harry: "How can Ron be engaged to an alligator in the first place?"

Me: "Good point."

Ron: "Well, I'm dumping you now for my true love, Hermione Granger!"

Hermione: "You really mean it, Ronnie?"

Ron: "Yes, my sweet Hermy!"

Me: *gags* "Hermy? Ronnie?!"

Ron gives Hermione a passionate kiss and the two walk into the sunset. How can a sunset be in my mind? Well, they walk out of my mind, I guess. Man, this is confusing!

Harry: "Well, at least he grew out of his adolescent idiot stage."

Me: "True." Wait a sec, now that Harry's a single? "Oh, Harry. . . ."

Harry: "She's so beautiful. . . ."

Me: Finally, he notices!

Harry: "I can't believe I never thought of it before. . . ."

Me: The big question! He's going to ask me the big question and I'll get it right this time! Yes, yes, yes, yes, YES!

Harry: "Miss Alligator, will you marry me?"

Alligator: "Of course, Harry!"

Me: WHAT? NO!!!

Harry: "Liz, will you be the binder?"

Me: "YES!" Oh, no!

Wedding music plays once more.

Me: *grumbles* "And do you, Harry Potter, take this woman, Miss Alligator as your wife through. . . ."

Harry: "I do."

Me: *sigh* "And do you, Miss Alligator, take this man, Harry Potter as your husband through. . . ."

Alligator: "I do."

Me: *sniff* "You may . . . kiss the bride." *wails* My Harry, not my Harry!

Harry gives the alligator a passionate kiss.

Me: NO!!!

Peter: "I'm still open, you know, Liz."

Me: "Eww!"

Harry and Alligator make to walk off into the sunset.

Voldemort: "Wait a sec, I have a gift for the happy couple!"

Harry: "Didn't I just kill you?"

Voldemort: "No, of course not, Harry. That was my evil twin, Moldy Wart. Dumbledore explained that to Liz but you were wailing over your parent's dead bodies."

Harry: "Yeah, because you killed them!"

Voldemort: *face-palm*

Alligator: "Wait a sec, if this Moldy Wart guy was your evil twin, then wouldn't that make sense that you were. . . ."

Voldemort: "The good twin! I am good! Or at least partly."

Me: "Partly?"

Voldemort: "I am partly good, you see because Harry is my arch enemy, not Moldy Wart's. He is always stealing my glory, always! Ever since we were kids. . . ."

Me: "Okay, this isn't the time for reminiscence, Voldy."

Voldemort: "DON'T CALL ME VOLDY!"

Me: "Touchy."

Voldemort: "Alright, anyway, since Harry is my arch enemy, I want the chance to kill him and his parents. So, I will bring his parents back to life and. . . ."

Harry: "I thought Dumbledore said there is no spell that can bring dead people back to life."

Voldemort: "Well, there is. I just made it up, it's called, 'The Fake Latin-Bring Dead People Back to Life Spell.'"

Harry: "Nice."

Voldemort: "Exactly. So, I will bring your parents back to life so I can have a chance to defeat them and kill them and get all the glory for myself. Mwahaha!"

Harry: "Wow! That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me!"

Alligator and Me: *roll our eyes*

Me: "Let's see it then."

Voldemort: "Fine. Deadus Peoplus Bringus Backus tous Lifus!"

James and Lily jerk and twitch for a moment and then come back to life.

Harry: "Yay! Mum and dad are back!"

Lily: "What happened?"

James: "Yeah, I'd like to know that too."

Alligator: "Voldemort brought you back to life because his evil twin, Moldy Wart killed you guys and he wants the glory for killing you and Harry."

James: *murmurs* "Er . . . why is an alligator talking to us?"

Lily: *murmurs* "No clue, just back away slowly."

Harry and Alligator: *roll their eyes*

Harry: "Mum, Dad, this is my wife, Miss Alligator."

Lily: "Your name's Miss Alligator?"

Alligator: "No, that's what Liz has been calling me because she doesn't know my name. My real name is Victoria."

James and Lily: "Victoria?!"

Victoria: "Yes."

Harry: "Oh, my sweet Victoria! My sweet Vicky! I love you!" *passionate kiss*

James: "This is just wrong. Our son is married to an alligator. This makes no sense!"

Lily: "Who said this fic made sense?"

James: "Good point."

Me: Find a happy place, find a happy place!