Random Conversations

Chapter 3: Illiteracy

This is it, the moment every reader of this totally pointless fic has been waiting for. It is the moment that I promised Mr. Weasley I would explain to him about computers *applause from me*. Hopefully, I will be able to without too many accidents with plugs.

Mr. Weasley: "I collect plugs. And batteries."

Me: *sigh* Yes, Arthur I know you do. You told the Dursleys in Goblet of Fire.

Mr. Weasley: "How do you know that. Have you been spying on me?"

Me: "It's from the books that 'your creator' wrote."

Mr. Weasley: "Ahhhhh! You're spying on me from the creator's books!"

Me: "I am not spying on you!" Wait a sec, intelligent thought! "Mr. Weasley, if you feel really uncomfortable about this, then you can leave my mind and let me write this chapter in peace about something else."

Mr. Weasley: "No! You promised you'd explain pomcuters!"

Me: Ah, well, it was worth a try. "Fine, but first Arthur, you need to understand something fundamental, the word is computers not pomcuters!"

Mr. Weasley: "So, it's computers?"

Me: "Yes! You've got it!"

Mr. Weasley: "Okay, so now can you explain the pomcuters?"

Me: *face-palm* Why do I even bother?
Sirius: "Because without us, there wouldn't be any story."

Me: *sigh* "Hello, Sirius."

Sirius: "Hey, in the past two chapters, you've told me to shut up and leave. Now, you're greeting me! Hmm . . . you must be succumbing to my sexiness after all."

Me: "No, I'm just resigning myself to my fate."

Trelawney: "My dear, it is written in the future that you shall die on January 1, 2005. That, my dear, is your fate. If only you were so lucky to be bothered by Mr. Black."

Me: "Er . . . sorry to disappoint you Professor, but it's 2006 now."

Trelawney: "Then, my dear, you should have died already."

Sirius: "Perhaps you are the imprint of a departed soul."

Snape: "That's my line, Black."

Me: "Hey, how'd you get away from Fudge and Dawlish?"

Snape: "I told you, I'd be back and now I am. Now I am going to take over Hogwarts! Mwahaha!"

Me: "How can you take over Hogwarts?"

Snape: "I don't know but I'll think of something."

Fudge: "Wait, did you just say you were going to take over Hogwarts?"

Me: Why is it that this reminds me of a conversation in Chapter 2?

Harry: "Yes he did, Minister!"

Snape: "Potter!"

Fudge: "We need to bring you back to Azkaban."

Snape: "Stupefy! Mwahaha, I will be back!" Vanishes with a *poof*.

Fudge: "Well, I guess I'll just go and do nothing now."

Me: "Why is it that every time I try and have a conversation, I'm interrupted by these thoroughly pointless events?"

Trelawney: "It is your fate, my dear, aside from dying on January 1, 2005 that is. It is your fate to be interrupted by thoroughly pointless conversations and to write this fic, Random Conversations.

Me: You know, that doesn't sound as far-fetched as usual. "What about the rest of my life?"

Trelawney: "Well, aside from dying on January 1, 2005, you will marry Sirius Black at twenty years of age."

Me: "NO!"

Sirius: "NO!"

Both: "NO, WE CAN'T!"

Trelawney: "Will too."

Both: "Will not."

Trelawney: "Will too."

Both: "Will not."

Lupin: "What's going on here?"

Sirius: "Moony, mate, you have to help us! Me and Liz. . . ."

Dumbledore: "Liz and I, Sirius."

Sirius: "I'm not in the mood for grammar lessons, right now, Dumbledore! This is a Class-A Crisis!"

Lupin: "Oh, what has happened in Sirius's so dramatic life?"

Sirius: "Ooh, Moony's in a bad mood. Near the full moon?"

Lupin: "NO! I'm in a humongous bad mood because you woke me up!"

Me: "How can we wake you up if you choose to come into my mind?"

Lupin: "I don't know but I'll think of something! Mwahaha!"

Me: "Okay, this is a bit weird."

Dumbledore: "A bit?"

Ron: "Want to hear another story about alligators?"

Me: "Sure."

Ron: "Really?"

Me: "NO!"

Dumbledore: "So, what's the bad news?"

Me: "Sirius and I are going to have to get married!"

Lupin: "What the hell! Who told you that?"

Me: "Trelawney."

Trelawney: "I'll just be going now, my dears."

Sirius: "Wait a sec, what about the rest of our future? Will we have kids, and will they be as hot as me?"

Trelawney: "No, my dear, I am sorry. You will get divorced the day after you get married."

Me: "YES!"

Sirius: "NO! My only chances for hot kids! My only chance!" *wails and runs out*

Me: At least that got him out of the way.

Mr. Weasley: Now will you explain pomcuters?"

Me: "Yes, Arthur." Maybe I'll actually have a chance to talk now. "Okay, do you have a computer with you?"

Mr. Weasley: "Accio Computer!"

Me: "Oh, no! What about the Wizarding Statute of Secrecy?"

Mr. Weasley: "Yay, the computer's here!"

Muggle Voice: "What the hell's going on?"

Mrs. Weasley: "Arthur, what did you do?"

Mr. Weasley: "Er . . . nothing, Molly, dear."

Mrs. Weasley: *growls and turns into a tiger*

Me: "Um . . . how can Mrs. Weasley turn into a tiger?"

Dumbledore: "It's another one of the things Jo forgot to mention."

Fudge: "Wow, I can actually do something now! Let's . . . er, take the tiger to Azkaban to act like we're doing something!"

Harry: "Yeah, just like you arrested Stan Shunpike."

Fudge: "Dumbledore's man through and through, I see."

Scrimgeour: "That's my line, Fudge."

Fudge: "So, can't I actually act important in a fic instead of being booted out of office at the end of Order of the Phoenix and then doing nothing all year except talking to that idiot Muggle Prime Minister?"

Muggle Prime Minister: "I am not an idiot!"

All three Ministers start quarreling and having a cat fight.

Mr. Weasley: "Er . . . Liz?"

Me: "Yes, Arthur, I will explain computers now."

Mrs. Weasley: "Arthur, why do you insist on dabbling in Muggle machinery like this?"

Mr. Weasley: "It's fun. Hey, want to see my collection of batteries? I have Triple As and Quadruple As, too."

Me: "Er . . . there are no such things as Quadruple As."

Mr. Weasley: "Yes, there are. Look."

I see a battery in my mind's eye.

Me: "Er . . . Mr. Weasley, you just drew 4 As on there using a marker."

Mr. Weasley: "I've never been more insulted in my life!"

Mrs. Weasley: *murmurs* "Please wail and run out, please wail and run out."

Mr. Weasley: "I will not do any such thing, Molly. I want to learn about pomcuters if it's the last thing I do."

Mrs. Weasley: "It probably will be if you don't stop with your backtalk."

Fred: "It's so nice to hear mum yell at someone else now and then."

George: "Yeah, it makes such a nice change."

Mrs. Weasley: "Shut your mouths you two!" *chases the twins from scene*

Me: "Now, Mr. Weasley, do you see the mouse next to the computer?"

Mr. Weasley: "The mouse? What do you mean? We only had Scabbers but he turned out to be Peter Pettigrew. Then again, he was actually a rat."

Me: "Wait, how do you know about Peter being Scabbers? Did Ron tell you?"

Dumbledore: "It's. . . ."

Me: "Yet another one of the things Jo forgot to mention?"

Dumbledore: "Yes."

Me: "Wow, you guys should sue her. She's leaving out a bunch of important parts of the books."

Sirius: "It's important that Dumbledore was a Muggle high-school English teacher?"

Me: "Well, no, but. . . ."

Sirius: "Well then, Jo isn't really leaving out 'important' parts, is she?"

Me: "Yeah, but what about Mrs. Weasley being a tiger Animagus? That could be a major plot point!"

Mrs. Weasley: "You mean I might be important in the novels? How?"

Me: Hmm. . . .

Sirius: "You won't, Mrs. W. Sorry to disappoint you and all."

Mrs. Weasley: "I've never been more insulted in my life! I should kill you, Sirius!" *growls and chases Sirius out of scene*

Me: "Actually, that's Bellatrix Lestrange's job."

Harry: "Thanks for ruining the book for me, Liz. I haven't finished yet."

Me: "What do you mean you haven't finished yet? It's your life and it's already past that part. This doesn't make sense!"

Dumbledore: "Who said this fic made sense?"

Me: "True."

Mr. Weasley: "Oh, is the mouse this little thingy attached by a wire to the pomcuter screen?"

Me: "Yes, Arthur, that's a mouse."

Mr. Weasley: "Ooh!"

Hermione: "No, Crookshanks, no!"

Crookshanks leaps on top of the mouse and pulls the wire out. The computer shuts off.

Mr. Weasley: "NO! You killed the mouse! First, that ferocious cat kills Scabbers and now my mouse!"

Hermione: "Don't start that again! Crookshanks never killed Scabbers, remember? Haven't you ever read Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban?

Mr. Weasley: "Er . . . no."

Sirius: "I've read that one! I'm the main character in it!"

Harry: "I haven't! Don't ruin it for me!"

Me: "How many Harry Potter books have you read, Harry?"

Harry: "Um . . . I've read a few pages of the first one."

Hermione: "You guys are so illiterate! You're dumbing down the UK! You should be ashamed of yourselves!"

Me: Hermione's right, Harry. Learn to read! Anyway, you're one of the main characters in it, Sirius. Harry, Ron, and Hermione are the main ones. Plus, for most of the time in that book you are a supposed murderer who's escaped from Azkaban."

Sirius: "Yeah, but. . . ."

Mrs. Weasley: "Come back here, you!"

Sirius: "Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now!"

Me: "Now?"

Sirius: "Yes, now!" *runs out of scene closely followed by Mrs. Weasley*

Mr. Weasley: "No, the pomcuter is ruined! It's ruined, ruined, I tell you, ruined!"

Me: At least this didn't go as bad as the last chapter.

Mrs. Weasley: "Help, somebody help me!"

Me: "What did you do, Sirius?"

Sirius: "I trapped her in a cage! Ha, ha! And I don't have to go right now!"

Me: "Stop quoting that gross commercial!"

Sirius: *humming the commercial*

Me: "And stop humming it!"

Sirius: *whistling the commercial*

Me: "And stop doing anything that has to do with that commercial in general!"

Sirius: *sigh*