The Consequences of Leaving Fanfiction Lying Around

Chapter Two

"Starlight, Serenity," the old lady called. What was her name again?

"Professor Minerva McGonagall," Harry answered flatly.

"And it's a hell of a lot better name than 'Serenity Starlight'!" Hermione added.

Serenity gracefully walked up to the stool and the old lady put the shabby, dirty hat on her head. Eew, what if her hair got mussed up?

Suddenly the hat spoke in her ears. Serenity gasped a dainty, ladylike gasp.

Ginny snorted. "Ladylike, my arse."

"Hmmm. You have the qualities of all four Houses. But because your courage wins over all of them, and because I want you to be with your beloved, I think I shall put you in Gryffindor."

Everyone at the Gryffindor table cheered as Serenity glided over towards them.

Ginny cackled. "She's a dementor now!"

"I like to think that every other table was cheering," mused Hermione.

Harry acted on his own impulse and kissed Serenity on the cheek.

Bellatrix began making very annoying smoochy noises.

Serenity giggled.

They ate dinner, Dumbledore said something, blah, blah, blah, and then McGonagall said something.

"Miss Serenity Starlight is to move immediately up to the Third Year because of her immense knowledge."

"What the--?" spluttered Ron.

Fred was looking at the page in disbelief.

"If they let students skip years, then Hermione would have been in the Seventh Year in her fifth!" said Harry indignantly.

"And I would have been in the Seventh Year in my THIRD," muttered Voldy.

Serenity blushed as everyone, including Hermione I-Have-Hair-Problems Granger, began exclaiming how smart (A/N: And pretty, LOL!) she was.

It was Hermione's turn to look like an overcooked lobster.

"What's LOL?" asked George.

Harry shrugged.

Later on, Harry, Serenity, Ron, and Hermione went up to the common room. Ron and Hermione immediately went to bed (A/N: Not together, you gutter-minded peeps! LOL!),

Fred sighed. "There's that LOL thing again."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Peeps is 'net speak for people, and LOL is 'net speak for 'Laugh Out Loud'."

Ron looked horrified. Who would be shameless enough to think that he and Hermione were already shagging each other in their Third Year?

But Harry drew Serenity out on the balcony and closed the door.

"Serenity, I love you.

"Oh, that was obvious," said Luna.

"Your hair is so beautiful, all silky and smooth. It's like an auburn waterfall. Your eyes are so enchanting; when I looked into them for the first time, I was spellbound.

"I don't ever remember Harry being that poetic when we were thirteen," Ron said, perplexed.

Harry snorted. "I'm not poetic now, either!"

"Who are you and what have you done to the real Harry Potter?" Fred asked the book, assuming that the sappy pansy that went by the name of Harry Potter in the story could hear him.

"I would fight dragons for you, dive into the lake for you, and even defeat Lord Voldemort for you. That's how much you mean to me, Serenity. I could hardly live without you."

Ginny frowned. "Didn't he already do that? And he didn't do it out of love for this wench?"

"Oh, look who's talking..." muttered Draco.

Harry was trying to smother himself with a pillow. "Lies, all lies!" he shouted, his voice barely audible.

"We know, Harry," said Ginny consolingly. "You can't stand the wench. You love me."

"I never said THAT."

"I thought you did," said George.

"Oh, Harry!" cried Serenity as their lips met in a searing, passionate kiss.

"I am going to be sick," muttered Bellatrix.

Everyone looked at her, alarmed.

Quickly regaining her poise, Bella added, "But it would be good torture! You know, searing people's lips!" She laughed nervously.

Harry gathered Serenity up in his arms. "Oh, Serenity, I love you! We were meant to be together! I shall always be yours!"

Bellatrix barfed into a handy dandy barf bag that popped out of nowhere.

"Evanesco," muttered George, pointing his wand at the bag. "The rest of us might want to use it later on, because judging by the corniness, there's going to be an NC-17 scene coming up."

Harry moaned piteously.

Serenity took Harry by the hand and led him into the common room. Everyone else had gone up to bed. She kissed him.

"Good night, my love," she said before gracefully ascending the stairs to the girls' dorm.

"Well, that was the anti-climax of the century!" exclaimed Fred to general agreement.

Harry just stood there, at the foot of the stairs, a wide smile on his face. He was up in the seventh heaven of delight.

"Because he had narrowly escaped a fate worse than Voldemort!" laughed George.

Voldemort gave him a look, and then shrugged. "Under the circumstances, I will not take offense."

"Why, thank you," George replied, bowing with much twirling of his hands.

And finally coming down to earth, he grinned again, going up to the boys' dorm.

"Phew. You are so lucky, Harry!" said Hermione.

"That's what I said!" George insisted, looking hurt.

The next day, Serenity woke up really early. She got dressed and went down to breakfast, ignoring the suggestive looks from all the boys she passed.

"Yeah, looks suggesting she leave, mostly!" muttered all the males in the room. (With the exception of Lord Voldemort)

When Harry came down, he gave her a good morning snog and then turned his attention to his eggs and kippers.

Hermione looked skeptical. "It seems to me that anyone kissing their "girlfriend" in the Great Hall at breakfast could expect to get told off by Professor McGonagall and probably Snape as well."

"I wish that could happen," sighed Harry.

"What classes do we have today?" he asked Hermione.

"I have Ancient Runes, and then we all have Divination. Afterwards we have Transfiguration and--damn, we still have Double Potions with the Slytherins."

"It's the Attack of the Capitalized Words!" screamed Fred.

Everyone looked at him oddly.

"What? I just felt like being random."

"I swear, Snape's doing the double potions thing on purpose," grumbled Ron.

"Well, that was obvious from the start!" Ron snorted.

~♥~♥~

It was Christmas now, and poor Harry had his broom broken by the Whipping Willow.

Harry shook his head. "It's the WHOMPING willow, you ignoramus."

Ron and Hermione felt sorry, of course, but no one felt sorrier than Serenity. Harry's pain was her pain as well, she loved him that much!"

"If only you really knew." It was a great day for everyone except Harry, and he knew that well.

Then on Christmas Eve, she caught an opportunity and told him about the Room of Requirement.

"It was DOBBY who told me about that room!"

Everyone looked at Harry oddly.

"... Er, I mean this room. Whatever," concluded the Boy-Who-Lived-to-be-Driven-Insane.

Voldemort looked confused. How did Serenity find out about that room?

The door appeared and they went in.

It was spacious, with a huge bed in the very middle. Seeing that bed, Harry looked nervous.

"I've never done this before," he said, blushing.

"Don't worry, Harry. I'll be with you.

Ron laughed. "Good, 'cause it's not that much fun alone."

Just put your hands on me and follow your instincts."

"See, my Lord? I told you," whispered Bellatrix.

"If you'll all excuse me," muttered Harry, "I'm going to be throwing myself off the Astronomy Tower right now."

No one heard him. Fred was skimming through the pages already with a green tinge in his cheeks. Draco, Lily, and James all looked as if they might faint. Bellatrix was fighting with George over who got to use the barf bag first. Ron and Ginny both looked shell shocked. Voldy and Luna both looked indifferent to all the drama happening around them.

"Oh dear," said Hermione rather frankly from her seat next to Harry, who was now curled up in the fetal position, whimpering. "We're going to have to start a collection for Harry's therapy now, won't we?"

Now, George was accusing Lord Voldemort of setting this whole thing up. It appears that poor George has finally snapped. Though it is quite amazing that he held out for so long, even after Fred's death.

"Did this really happen?" James asked, drowning out Fred's accusations.

"Of course not, James, how dare you accuse our son of such!" exclaimed Lily.

"Eew, this is really graphic," muttered Fred. "Lacy knickers...candles...flower petals...is she a contortionist, or what...Harry that is SICK...sheets...BLEAUGH!" A door marked "bathroom" appeared and Fred ran in, with George and Bellatrix at his heels.

Hermione sighed. "I guess I'll start reading, then."

"Hermione - reading?" George snickered. "I never heard of such a thing!"

Hermione glared at George before taking the book and flipping past nineteen pages, looking disgusted as she did so, before stopping. "That was the most nauseating thing I have ever read! No, scratch that, skimmed!"

"Is it over?" the voices of Fred, George, and Bellatrix asked from the bathroom.

"I think so."

Hermione now turned to Harry, who had just removed his fingers from his ears. "From what I gathered, she WAS quite flattering...if you know what I'm talking about."

Fred exclaimed, "No, Hermione, what are you talking about. Come on, explain it to us!" Ginny shook her head sadly.

Harry turned a shade of green that gave his eye color a run for their money and passed out.

"My poor little boy," sighed Lily.

Serenity and Harry lay on the bed, the sheets resting ever so lightly against their bodies--

"SKIP IT!" roared half of the people in the room.

"Oh, good," said Ginny, "If there's one thing I can't stand, its heavy sheets!"

"We'll make sure to remember that when we're preparing your martial bed," Fred said lightly.

"My ears! My precious ears! They burn!" cried Fred and George at the same time.

Hermione sighed again. "There's no end in sight--

"It sounds to me like Serenity's end was fully in Harry's sight!" interrupted Bellatrix. Maybe the nausea had gotten to her brain...

--never mind, there is!" she crowed triumphantly, after skipping six more pages.

"So, twenty-five pages later..."muttered Luna, who had been keeping count. Well, there was no better thing to do, seeing that everyone else was saying all the witty lines... "I do believe that is the average amount of pages a Garbling Glumpher can consume in a day..."

Everyone else shook their heads sadly.

"Happy Christmas, Harry!" said Ron jubilantly as Harry strode into the room. "Blimey, look at you! What have you been up to last night?"

"It's a secret, Ron," said Harry, smiling.

TBC...