Hogwarts: A Musical

Chapter Seven: I'm a Ferret!

As the lights come up again, the backs of three boys in leather jackets bearing the image of a ferret embroidered on the back of them become visible. Two, on either side of the middle one, are huge, wide, and... well... trollish. The one in the middle is short, skinny, and has white-blonde hair. All are wearing Wrap-around sunglasses and Blues Brothers style hats. As they turn around in a super-cool way, the two on either side are revealed to be Crabbe with a smooth black guitar and Goyle with a killer gold saxophone, they strike up the loud and dramatic opening chords of James Brown's "I Feel Good!" Taking a pose and gripping his mike, Draco Malfoy began to sing.

"Whoa-oa-oa!
I'm a ferret!

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo
Bouncier than a carrot!

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo
I'm a ferret!

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo
Bouncier than a carrot!

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo
So furry!

Doo-doo
Don't worry!
I'm a ferret!

I'm in trouble!

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo
Moody's made my pride rubble!

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo
I'm in trouble!

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo
Moody's made my pride rubble!

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo

Once cool!

Doo-doo
It's cruel!
I'm in trouble!

Everybody laughed at me

For I was slamming off walls
Everybody laughed at me
Oh why did they have to see?

I'm a ferret!

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo
Bouncier than a carrot!

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo
I'm a ferret!

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo
Bouncier than a carrot!

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo
So furry!

Doo-doo
Don't worry!

Doo-doo
I'm a ferret!

Yeah!!"

Caught up in the dramatics of the ending saxophone playing, Malfoy ended with an enthusiastic knee slide... directly into the stage's artistic feature. Crabbe and Goyle blinked stupidly for a moment, the lumbered off the stage, grunting to each other unintelligibly.

Chapter Eight: Gryffindors

The stage lights came up on a large, Sherlock-Holmes style armchair with faded green leather. A table beside it bore an old-fashioned radio, which was vamping a vaguely familiar tune, possibly from an old musical. The shelf behind bore various vials of unidentifiable murk, rumored to be the fermented brains of Gryffindors. As the vamping grew louder, a greasy-haired, black-robed gentleman staggered in clutching what appeared to be a half-empty vodka bottle. As he collapsed into the chair and glared out at the audience, everyone's favorite potion's master opened his mouth and began to sing in a surprisingly high tenor, to the tune of "Little Girls" from Annie.

"Gryffindors, Gryffindors,
Everyday they sit in my classroom.
Gryffindors, Gryffindors,
Every night I wish them a swift doom.

I'm a simple potion's master,
with hatred.
I like a draught of living death now and then.
But I'll confess, I've no success,

So I'm dealing with those bloody kids again!

Quidditch games,
The house cup,
How is it they always come in first?
If I get,
My hands on Potter,
He will end up in the lake well-cursed!

Slytherins are a joy to work with,
Ravenclaws are fine although bores,
But one thing I can't stand,
A single moment longer is,
Gryffindors!

How I loathe
Longbottom,
all Weasleys,
and know-it-all Granger.
Someday soon,
I'll give up,
And become a
stock-exchanger!

Some day
I'll poison their pet toads,
Some night
I'll show them the door (Cackles manically),
Voldemort,
Manticores,

Somehow remove them evermore,
Gryffindors!

When I'm finally hearing them screaming,
I'll surely request an encore,
Till then I dream,

Even scheme,
To plot elimination of,
Gryffindors!"

Exhausted from this outburst of shocking musical talent, Snape flopped ungracefully back into the chair, where he promptly began to snore.

A frighteningly cheerful voice boomed out across the stage.

"Oh goodie, drunk Snape is so much more fun than regular Snape!" Morag

exclaimed.

"How would you know?"

"Well, I do write other fanfiction, you know..." From her voice, one got the distinct impression that Morag was both smirking and had an evil glint in her eye. Liz noticed and replied accordingly.

"Okay, that's just creepy."