Hogwarts: A Musical

Chapter Five : Hopelessly Devoted To S.P.E.W.

Hermione stomped on to the stage, narrowly missing the gaping hole that was created by Hagrid and Oliver.

"Morag, should we maybe sort of fix that hole?"

"No, I think it's a nice artistic feature."

"Fair enough. Plus it's sort of newt-shaped..."

Hermione then sat down on Mrs. Weasley's stool in a spotlight in the center of the stage, adjusted her spew- that is, S.P.E.W., badge and crossed her arms. She then began to sing to the tune of "Hopelessly Devoted to You", from that musical which everyone seems to love despite its poor morals and strange clothing choices, Grease.

"Guess mine is not the first cause ignored,
my badges aren't the first unknown,

I'm not the first to see,
it's hard to get a decent treasurer

So I am just a girl with purpose

Who wants to help the poor oppressed
Oh Winky can't you see,

I really know what's best for you

I'm hopelessly devoted to S.P.E.W.

But now there's nowhere to hide,
since you cast my aid aside

I'm lost even in class,
hopelessly devoted to S.P.E.W.
Hopelessly devoted to S.P.E.W.,
hopelessly devoted to S.P.E.W.

Ron's always saying 'fool, forget it',
My morals are saying 'don't let go'
Hold on 'til they're free, that's what I intend to do
I'm hopelessly devoted to S.P.E.W.

But now there's nowhere to run,
since the meetings have begun

And Ron can't you see

I'm hopelessly devoted to S.P.E.W.
Hopelessly devoted to S.P.E.W.,
hopelessly devoted to S.P.E.W."

It was that moment that Ron chose to (or more accurately, was forced by their insane captors to) appear on stage in a puff of yellow smoke. He promptly exercised very poor judgment by pointing at Hermione, laughing and announcing, "Spew! Honestly Hermione, you're going to put the house elves off the cooking!"

Hermione shot him a look of pure venom, before placing her hand dramatically upon her forehead, then crying out in Shakespearian desperation, "Ron, will you ever learn? It's S.P.E.W!" She then swooned and fainted, collapsing in an artistically arranged heap on the floor.

Ron stared awkwardly and the pile of bushy brown hair that was Hermione Granger. "Right... Err... Well then... I'll just nip off and make a pot of tea, shall I? Err... Yeah, well..." He looked around rather desperately, and then charged away as quickly as he could. Unfortunately, Hermione would never get that pot of tea, as Ron forgot about the stage's new artistic feature and fell through the gaping black hole. Fortunately, his fall was broken by Oliver and Hagrid.

Chapter Six: I Will Survive

Suddenly, the spluttered and went out entirely, followed by an icy chill sweeping over the stage and out into the audience. This eerie, surreal wind blew Hermione's body forcefully into the stage's "artistic feature" (A.K.A. hole), where several pained groans emitted from its dark recesses as she landed with a thump. An eerie blue light set the mood, when suddenly, several platforms rose up from the newly emerging colored glitter smoke to reveal Lord Voldemort himself in traditional disco ware, accompanied by several Death Eaters with afros clearly intending to act as backup singers. As the opening of Aretha Franklin's "I Will Survive" began to play, taking a dramatic pose and switching on his microphone, the man once known as Tom Marvolo Riddle began to sing...

"First I was afraid,

I was petrified,

See it freaked me out that Dumbledore

Was on the other side.

But I spent so many nights,

Plotting to destroy you all.

I had a ball,

I went to the shopping mall!

But now I'm back,

From death's embrace.

I just charged in to kill him here,

With that dumb beard upon his face.

He should have stayed at his dear school,

For now you'll suffer certain doom.

If you'd known I was out to get you,

You'd have stayed safe in your room!

Go on now, run,

Go run away,
Just turn around now 'cause you know I'm gonna' get you anyway.
Harry was the one who tried to keep me from the stone,
Did you think I wouldn't just rise again some other day?

Oh, no, not I!

I will survive!
Oh, as long as I've got death eaters I know I'll stay alive.
I will impose my will, I've got mudbloods I must kill,
And I'll survive, I will survive, hey, hey!

It took all my magic and a while to return,
Kept tryin' hard to kill Harry, I knew that he must burn.

And I spent, oh, so many nights just hanging out with my cute snake,
I was rather dull, but I had to mull,

Over my plan, to kill them quick.
And I'm not bothered by good guys thinking that I'm sick,

And so you all should quake in terror for soon you won't be free,
But now I'm savin' all my power for someone who's scared of me!

Your time is out, don't scream and shout,
Come quietly or you'll see just what pain is all about.

It's time Albus must meet his sorry little end,
And then I'll move on to Harry, and all of his little friends!

Oh, yes it's I -I will survive,
Oh, as long as I have Wormtail I know I'll stay alive,
I'm no longer just a boy, and I've got worlds I must destroy,
And I'll survive, I will survive, hey, hey!"

Ignoring his death eaters as they got carried away in a chorus of melodic Hey-Hey-Heying, Voldemort let out a bone-chilling cackle. "I will destroy you all! I am all powerful! I will rule-"

CRACK.

"You know, I think he's cuter as a newt..."