Harry Potter and the Sixth Book: A Humorous Account...

Chapter Three: By the Light of the Moon

For the next couple of weeks, Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny hung around the house, finished homework, and talked about how much fun school would be this year. Harry was allowed back on the Quidditch team, they were a year away from N.E.W.T.s, and Professor McGonagall said herself that they would be perfectly safe and there was nothing to worry about.

They tried their hardest to stay clear of Rita Skeeter, but this meant staying away from Lupin as well, so they didn't see much of him. There was one Order of the Phoenix meeting in the middle of the month in which Harry caught glimpses of Professors Dumbledore, McGonagall, and Snape, as well as Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, Mad-Eye Moody, Tonks, Kingsley Shacklebolt, Mundungus Fletcher, and some of the other Order members whom he didn't know very well. This was exciting at the beginning, but Harry and his friends soon realized that without Fred and George, they were unable to hear what was going on in the meeting. Furthermore, they were forced to share company with Rita Skeeter who, for as hard as Lupin tried, did not get inducted into the Order.

Other than at this meeting, Harry saw nothing of the other order members except for Tonks who came by with some sausages one rainy afternoon. Harry, who had eaten nothing but subs for the past couple of weeks, was very grateful for the sausages and was sad to see her leave.

Harry continued to have dreams from the vantage point of Lord Voldemort from which he would wake tangled in his covers and screaming in pain. The others had gotten used to this behavior and ignored it as they would Mrs. Black's screaming curses.

On the morning of the last day of summer, Harry awoke, as usual, from a horrible nightmare, one in which Harry, as Voldemort, had strapped an unknown gentleman to a pole and was whipping him.

"Wake up, Harry! It's three in the afternoon," said a voice in Harry's ear.

Harry opened his eyes and untangled himself. He looked up to find Albus Dumbledore staring down on him. "Oh, hello Professor Dumbledore," said Harry.

"Hello Harry," said Dumbledore cheerfully. "How is your holiday?"

"Lovely," said Harry a little confused. "Was I - screaming just now?" he asked.

"Of course you were," said Dumbledore. "That's nothing new. Come on downstairs and I'll fix breakfast. Remus and Rita have gone out for the day, and I'm babysitting. I'll expect they won't be home until tomorrow morning."

Harry thought for a moment. "They're going out tonight? But tonight's a full moon!"

Dumbledore smiled and said, "They love each other too much for that to matter. Come along downstairs now. Your friends are waiting."

Dumbledore left and Harry started to get dressed. Babysit? He thought. I'm sixteen; I don't need a babysitter. Neither do Ron, Hermione, and Ginny. I wonder what this is all about. And Rita and Lupin are going out on a full moon. They're lying to me again! Everyone always lies to me! They think I'm a child, but I'm not! Oh, I'm so angry! I hate everyone! Suddenly Harry heard a voice chuckle.

"So Harry Potter's PMS-ing again, I see," said Phineas Nigellus from the portrait on the wall.

"What?" Harry looked up, confused.

"I used the Legilimens curse. I thought it would be a bit of fun to break into your mind." He chuckled again.

"I should have learned Occlumency when I had the chance," Harry muttered to himself.

"What?" asked Phinneas Nigellus.

"Occlumency."

"What is Occlumency?" asked Phinneas. "I've never heard that word in all my life. Nor my death," he added.

"It's when you can prevent someone from breaking into your mind," replied Harry.

Phineas laughed this time, long and low. "That sort of thing doesn't even exist!"

"Well how come Snape tried to teach it to me last year? He said it was to keep Voldemort from inserting thoughts into my head."

Phineas laughed again. "There is no such thing, you foolish boy! Snape probably just made that up as an excuse to see into your mind!"

"That perv!" yelled Harry. He took off out of the room and down the stairs.

He was greeted in the kitchen by Ron, Hermione, Ginny, and Dumbledore, all looking extremely cheerful. "Hi Harry!" called Ron. "Isn't it swell that Dumbledore gets to babysit us?" He turned to Dumbledore and said, "We're going to have a lot of fun!"

Ginny turned to Harry and said apologetically, "I'm sorry about Ron. Ever since that incident at the Department of Mysteries last year, Ron's been acting stupid sometimes. He's better for the most part, but when he gets real excited he gets like this." Ron was now on the floor, hugging Dumbledore around the knees with an expression of pure bliss upon his face.

"How did you sleep, Harry?" asked Hermione, attempting to change the subject from Ron, who was now telling Dumbledore how nifty he thought his shoes were.

"Not very well," said Harry. "I had another one of those awful dreams. I think they're getting more frequent. Perhaps Voldemort's building up his strength so he can come and finish me off."

"Nonsense," said Hermione. "Voldemort can't get you as long as Dumbledore's around."

"You're right," Harry sighed. "I just wish these dreams could stop."

"Maybe you can resume Occlumency lessons this year."

Hearing this, Dumbledore burst out laughing. "Occlumency lessons!" he shrieked, tears coming to his eyes. "What a joke! I can't believe everyone fell for it so well!" Hermione and Ginny looked confused, but Harry held his breath while Dumbledore said, "Snape just wanted to see into Harry's mind! Of course I had to let him because every man deserves his share of erotica, and pornography isn't allowed at Hogwarts." At this, Harry looked positively disgusted. "He didn't particularly want to see your thoughts, Harry, it just seemed like such a good excuse though, what with Voldemort sneaking into your thoughts as well."

"What a pervert!" yelled Hermione. "I can't believe he would do such a thing! What's the spell again?"

"Legilimens."

Harry suddenly became aware that he was very hungry. He turned to Dumbledore and said, "You mentioned something about fixing breakfast?"

"Oh yes. Dumbledore replied. Well, all wizards have their limitations. As you well know, I am a very powerful wizard, and am especially well-known for my conjuring powers. Conjuring food items, however, is one of my weak points. I can only offer you fried egg sandwiches."

"Fried egg sandwiches?" asked Ron, emerging from his stupor. "We're dirt poor and even my mum can afford better."

"Well," said Dumbledore. "It's either that or subs."

"Fried egg sandwiches it is!" exclaimed everyone in unison.

"Very well." With a flick of his wand, Dumbledore conjured a plate of fried egg sandwiches that rotated silently in midair.

The fried egg sandwiches turned out to be very good, and after everyone had their share of them, the party made their way into the drawing room. They sat on chairs for several minutes before Harry said, "Well, what do we do now?"

"Since Dumbledore's a babysitter," said Ron, "I think we should do things that babysitters normally do."

Hermione said, "I was at camp once years ago, and a girl there told me a frightening story about a babysitter."

"How did it go?" asked Dumbledore.

"There was a babysitter, and she was babysitting two children who were both asleep..."

"That's it then!" shouted Dumbledore with his index finger pointing upward; clearly a light bulb must have turned on inside his head. "You must all go to sleep!"

"But I wasn't finished with the story!" Hermione retorted.

"Then what happens next?"

"Well, the babysitter was watching a marathon of Mary Tyler Moore Show reruns..."

Before Hermione even finished her sentence, Dumbledore flicked his wand and several people spewed out the end. Ron was the first to register who these people were, and he consequently got all excited and stupid.

"It's Mary Tyler Moore!" he exclaimed. "And Rhoda and Sue Ann and Lou and Ted! I'm your biggest fan!" Before the others could stop him, Ron climbed atop a coffee table and was telling the Mary Tyler Moore crew how he was going to make it after all.

"Ron, get down here!" Ginny called, exasperated. Then, noticing that Mary, Rhoda, Sue Ann, Lou, and Ted had all turned to look her way, she said, "I don't know him."

"Come on, Ron," said Harry. "This is not cool."

Ron either hadn't heard Harry, or he was deliberately ignoring him. He had now begun to march on the coffee table and was saying, "Watch Mary! Watch Ted! I'm going to do a number from Apocalypse Now: The Musical!" He began to sing and do a corny dance: "I love the smell of napalm in the morning! (bum bum bum) Oh I love the smell of napalm in the morning! Napalm smells so good, oh yes it does! Napalm, napalm in the moooooorning!"

"This is getting ridiculous!" shouted Hermione.

"And here comes the men's chorus!" called Ron. He sang, "Napalm! Napalm! (bum bum bum) Napalm! Napalm!" He called again, "And the women's chorus!" He sang, "Ooh ooh napalm smells so great! Oh napalm! Ooh ooh."

"Don't make me curse you!" yelled Harry.

"And here comes Robert Duvall's character!" Ron was beginning to sweat, but he began to dance ever faster, and putting on a Robert Duvall sounding voice, sang, "The greatest smelling smell in the world is napalm! But not napalm in the evening, or even in the afternoon, it's morning! Napalm in the mo-or-ning!!" Ron took a bow, and when he looked up, Mary, Rhoda, Sue Ann, Lou, and Ted all disappeared with a poof.

"Look what you did, Ron!" accused Ginny.

"Yes, you made them disappear!" whined Hermione.

"No," said Dumbledore. "I made them disappear. They couldn't stick around all day."

"Huh? What?" asked Ron who suddenly came to and was wondering why the hell he was bowing on a coffee table. "What just happened?"

"We were all just about to go to bed," replied Dumbledore.

"Aw, but do we have to?" moaned Harry.

Dumbledore assumed a stern tone of voice and said, "Yes. Now march!" Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny all marched upstairs and went to bed. They didn't leave their room the whole night, but Harry could hear the voices of Dumbledore and all the characters from the Mary Tyler Moore Show conversing downstairs right up until he finally drifted off to sleep.

Harry awoke early the next morning. He didn't know what time it was, but as Ron was still snoring in the next bed, Harry knew it must still be early. Downstairs, he heard the front door jerk open and Mrs. Black begin to scream. There was the usual conversation between Mrs. Black and Rita Skeeter: "Blood traitors are tainting the noble house of Black!" "Shut your face you dreadful, bitter, cow!" He heard the curtains shut and the screaming cease. There were footsteps going up the stairs which stopped right outside of his bedroom. Then the door opened and in walked Rita looking greatly exhausted and wearing yesterday's robes.

"Harry?" she said. "Oh good, you're awake. "It's seven o'clock now and Mrs. Figg is coming to get you at ten. Wake up the others. There are some subs downstairs for breakfast."

"All right," said Harry. He sat up and put his glasses on. "Where were you?" he asked.

"I was out with Remus. I'm very tired though, so I think I'll go to bed. Make sure you're ready for Mrs. Figg at ten; she'll drive you to King's cross."

"OK," said Harry. "'Night." Rita turned to leave the room and Harry woke up Ron. After they were dressed and ready, they went across the hall to wake Hermione and Ginny.

Their trunks were already packed, so all they had to do was carry them downstairs and wait. They thought about eating breakfast, but decided that they would rather wait a few hours for some pumpkin pasties than eat subs now.

Mrs. Figg arrived in her wide convertible promptly at ten. Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny bade farewell to Mrs. Black who replied, "Good riddance, filthy scum!" They loaded their trunks into the back of the car before settling into the seats.

"Are you ready to go back to Hogwarts?" Mrs. Figg asked.

"Readier than ever," replied Harry with a smile.