Harry Potter and the Sixth Book: A Humorous Account...

Chapter Four: The Lonely Road to Hogwarts

"Good," said Mrs. Figg with a nasty grin on her face. She gripped the clutch and brought her foot down full force on the pedal. Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny turned to wave good-bye to Remus, who had just arrived on the porch, when the car began rocking like a mad horse and lurched out of sight. Suddenly, Mrs. Figg's car pulled a Knight Bus and appeared miles and miles from Grimmauld Place on a winding mountain path that Harry did not recognize.

"How did you do that?" he asked. "You can't do magic."

"I didn't bewitch the car," said Mrs. Figg. "Dedalus did it for me. Now, where's King's Cross Station?"

Hermione looked around apprehensively. "From here? I have no idea."

Ron, who always went funny when he was low on sleep, which he was, started laughing hysterically and singing, "We're lost! We're lost! You've gone and got us lost! Hooray!" As soon as Ginny managed to silence Ron, everyone went quiet. He had just announced what they had all been silently fearing.

"Oh, you're right," said Mrs. Figg sadly. "I do believe Diggle didn't double-check his calculations, and I can't even fix it." Her face lit up for a moment as she thought of the four young witches and wizards in her back seat. She turned around and asked, "Do you think any of you -"

Before she could finish her sentence, they were all shaking their heads no. "Not a chance," said Hermione.

"If Dad were here - " started Ginny, but she trailed off. That plan would not work, obviously, because, as everyone knew, Mr. Weasley was not there.

"Well, I suppose we'll just have to drive around and see if we get any nearer to King's Cross. We weren't far when we started out. Grimmauld Place and the station are both in London."

"But I have a sinking suspicion that we aren't," said Harry.

Mrs. Figg got that malicious look in her eye again and said, "Wait a minute, I have an idea to try. Fasten your seatbelts; it's going to be a bumpy night!"

"Night?" Ron asked.

"You heard me!" cried Mrs. Figg, as she pulled on the clutch and the car went flying and spinning, until it suddenly landed in the middle of a very busy street at night.

"I - I don't believe it!" said Ginny. "We're in Japan!"

"Japan?" asked Harry. "What are we doing here? We're supposed to be in London!"

"I know, I know," Mrs. Figg muttered. "I'm going to murder Dedalus when I find him..."

"Well," said Ron, "perhaps we should sing songs?"

"What?" asked Hermione, "Are you out of your mind?"

Ginny silenced her. "Shh, that's a touchy subject for Ron."

"But that's not a bad idea," Mrs. Figg said. "I shouldn't have offered to drive. I should have let Rita take you."

"No!" shouted four voices from the back seat.

"Well, then, sing away while I try to get us back on track..."

Harry, Hermione, and Ginny, were a little slow on the uptake, but Ron started singing immediately, and very loudly: "I am 'Enery the eighth I am! 'Enery the eighth I am I am. I got married to the widow next door! She'd been married seven times before! And ev-ry man was an 'Enery! 'Enery the eighth I am! Second verse, same as the first! 'I am 'Enery the eighth I am! 'Enery the eighth I am I am..."

Hours later, Ron was still at it, and the convertible was now driving around somewhere in Ireland.

"Well we're pretty close," Harry said.

"Closer than when we were in Japan," Ginny said cynically.

"And I'm getting tired of Ron's singing!" Hermione said. "Let's play a game."

"I know one!" said Harry. "It's a Muggle game I used to hear Dudley play. You go through the alphabet, saying your name, what sort of pet you have, and what sort of drug you're on."

"Like this?" said Mrs. Figg. "A my name is Arabella, I have an acromantula, and I'm on acid."

"This sounds fun," said Hermione. "B my name is Beth, I have a basilisk, and I'm on birth control."

"C my name is Cindy," said Ginny, "I have a cat, and I'm on crystal methamphetamine."

"D my name is Dedalus Diggle," started Mrs. Figg, "I have a dog, and I'm on-"

"Look!" said Ron, interrupting. "Up in the sky!"

"It's a bird!" said Ginny.

"It's a plane!" Harry said.

"No," said Hermione, "It's -"

"Batman?" finished Mrs. Figg, confusedly.

There was a rush of wind and the Batmobile fell from the sky into a nearby field, making passersby stare. The great door unlatched and out stepped Harry's childhood hero in full costume. "B-b-buh-buh-buh-Batman?" he stammered.

Mrs. Figg had already opened the passenger side door for him. "Glad you could come, Bruce," she said to the superhero that cast the convertible in shadow. "We were a little lost. Do you think you can give us directions to King's Cross Station in London?"

"I could," said Batman, in his deep, manly voice. "But it's getting late. You want directions to Hogwarts Castle in Hogsmeade."

Mrs. Figg looked absently at her watch and said, "Oh, you're right. What would I do without you? Hop in."

Batman looked from Mrs. Figg to the kids in the back seat. Taking his cue from the awestruck, gaping look on Harry's face, he said, "You have a lot of people in your car. There's a lot more room in the Batmobile."

"Oh, but you must be so busy, Bruce," said Mrs. Figg.

"No, actually the Joker's having a party with all the bad guys except the Riddler, who's currently tied up at the Bat Cave. I left Robin with him. They should be having fun together."

"Well, in that case..." Mrs. Figg turned around in her seat and asked, "Who wants to ride in the Batmobile?"

"Oh! Me! Me!" shouted Harry.

"Me first!" yelled Ron, who had gone all stupid again.

"All right children, now don't go killing each other." Mrs. Figg turned back to Batman. "Sure, we'd love to go for a ride in the old jalopy."

"That's wonderful, Arabella," said Batman. "We'll have a chance to, you know, catch up. I'll load the trunks in the Batmobile."

Batman opened the back of Mrs. Figg's car and began loading Harry's, Ron's, Hermione's, and Ginny's school things into the back of the Batmobile.

"Wow, Mrs. Figg," said Harry as soon as his idol was out of earshot. "You never told me you knew Batman!"

"Oh, we used to date a little off and on. But that's ancient history - back before the flood. There are no written records or survivors."

"You and he should go back out."

"Please, Harry. You're making me blush."

"Hush," said Hermione. "He's coming back."

"Yay!" exclaimed Ron. "We get to ride in the Batmobile! Weeeee!!!"

Ten minutes later, Harry was high in the sky in the company of his favorite person in the world, staring hundreds of feet down at Mrs. Figg's convertible which they had left in a field. Harry watched a family of farmers walk over to the convertible, climb in, and drive back to the farm before the Batmobile disappeared above the clouds. Darkness had fallen by the time the Batmobile dipped back down, and Harry could see Hogwarts Castle in the distance. He was immediately reminded of the episode he had Second Year, only that time they were in an old Ford instead of the Batmobile. Just the same, Harry said, "Watch your wand, Ron."

"Oh, yeah," Ron said. "And watch for that tree, Bird Man." That was the wrong thing for Ron to have said, because a screaming and shouting match ensued in the car just as they were flying right over Hogwarts.

"Are you talking to me?" Batman asked furiously.

"Now Batman," said Mrs. Figg, "keep both hands on the wheel."

"Are you talking to me?!!"

"I - er -"

"The wheel, dear, the wheel..."

"I am not Bird Man!"

"Erm...sorry?"

"SORRY?"

"Grab hold of the bloody wheel!"

"Ron, shut up!" called Ginny.

"You call me BIRD MAN, and you're SORRY! Why you---"

' "Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me!"

Meanwhile, inside Hogwarts the feast was taking place, and a very confused Professor McGonagall was watching the ceiling. "Hagrid," she said, "What do you suppose that is?"

"It looks like a meteor," said Hagrid. "More wine?"

"No," said Professor McGonagall. "I think I've had enough because I'm seeing things. That looks like Batman's car."

"Batman?"

"You know, muscular fellow, used to go out with Arabella Figg."

"Oh him. Nice bloke."

"Well what if that is him?"

"What if it's who?"

"Batman! Flying across the sky overhead!"

"Oh, well then I guess we'd better go welcome him." Hagrid picked up a bottle of wine and a few goblets and got up, upsetting a few things on the table. "Just have to go outside to meet a few guests, all right Dumbledore?"

"All right," said Dumbledore, not paying attention, as he was listening to an enticing story from Professor Trelawney.

"Come on, Hagrid," McGonagall said. "Let's go." The two of them slipped outside onto the Hogwarts grounds unnoticed, when they saw the Batmobile jerking around in the sky. "Hagrid! I think it's going to crash!"

"Nonsense, Professor..."

But the passengers inside weren't as confident as Hagrid. "Aaaah!" screamed Ron. "We're gonna crash! He's gonna kill me, and we're gonna die anyway!"

"Ron! Shut up!" yelled Ginny and Hermione together.

Mrs. Figg was livid, which is how, Harry came to realize, she registered fear. "Everyone shut up in the back seat while I try to steer this bloody car away from the Whomping Willow!"

"Car?" screamed Batman. "This is not a car, Figgy. This is the Batmobile!"

"Whatever! Move over so I can drive it!"

"No! You are not worthy of driving the Batmobile! Only I can drive it, but first I have to kill that twerp in the back seat."

"Nooo!" yelled Ron.

"I think we'd better shoot it down!" cried Professor MGonagall.

"Okay," said Hagrid. "Let's go down to me hut. I have a rifle under me pillow."

"A rifle is not going to shoot down the Batmobile."

"My rifle is. Have faith, my friend." Hagrid and Professor McGonagall ran down the path to Hagrid's hut. Hagrid busted through the door and came out a second later with a giant sized bazooka. McGonagall took the wine and goblets and hid behind an enormous pumpkin while Hagrid blasted the hell out of the Batmobile with his bazooka. Then, with an earsplitting crash, the Batmobile fell to the ground, ejected its passengers, and burst into flames.

A moment later, Professor McGonagall appeared from behind the pumpkin, ashen and shaking. "Is it over yet?"

"Yep," said Hagrid. "On'y I just blew the bejesus outta that guy's car."

"He'll get over it. Look! It's Harry Potter!"

Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, and Mrs. Figg all slowly made their way over to Professor McGonagall and Hagrid. "I can't believe I'm alive!" exclaimed Harry.

"Oh, come off it, Potter, you've had more narrow escapes than you have teeth, I think you secretly knew you'd come out okay."

"Yeah, I guess I did."

"Arabella Figg, how are you?" Mrs. Figg just glared at McGonagall. "Will you have some wine?" Proffessor McGonagall filled a goblet which Mrs. Figg immediately snatched out of her hand. "How is Batman? Are you and he back together?"

"No, we just had a fight in the car," Mrs. Figg said quietly.

"That must have been some fight. Hagrid and I saw it from down here. If he didn't shoot you down -"

"We would have crashed into the Whomping Willow. Thank you."

Professor McGonagall looked over near the Forbidden Forest and saw Batman standing alone and kicking rocks. "Should we go see Batman?"

"No, he's irritable right now. Perhaps I'd better take him a glass of wine."

Professor McGonagall filled another goblet and gave it to Mrs. Figg to take over to Batman. Then she turned her attention on the kids who were talking to Hagrid. "Why don't we take this little party back inside? If we hurry there will still be food from the feast."

"Food? Feast? We're missing the feast again?" moaned Harry, as he brought his hand up to smack himself in the head. "All right, just a minute while I say goodbye to Mrs. Figg."

"Sure. We'll wait for you right here."

Harry walked over to Mrs. Figg and said to her, "Thanks for letting me visit with you over the summer."

"Oh, any time, Harry!" said motherly Mrs. Figg. "Anytime you need someone to talk to, just send me an owl."

"Thanks. And when Batman's feeling better -" (Batman was now throwing big rocks at the Batmobile and diving behind trees as something new exploded) " - tell him we said thanks for the ride."

"Sure thing, Harry. Now you'd better get back up to the Castle."

"Just a moment," said Harry. "I want to know one thing."

"What is it?"

"Earlier today when we were playing that game in the car, you know A my name is, what was the drug you were about to say?"

"Drugs?"

"Yeah, which drug?"

"D my name is Dedalus Diggle, I have a dog, and I'm on drugs. 'Bye, Harry."

Disclaimer: I don't own Batman!