Harry Potter and the Sixth Book: A Humorous Account...

Chapter Two: Grimmauld Revisited

Harry was shocked; he didn't know what to say. He just stood there with his mouth gaping.

"What an epiphany!" said Rita furiously. She pulled her wand out and a flying pig erupted from the end of it. "There you go," she said irritably as she stormed down the stairs to the kitchen.

"What's eating her?" asked Mundungus Fletcher.

Lupin looked at his watch. "It's not five yet, and that one's already screaming," he said, jerking his head toward Mrs. Black. He smiled weakly at Harry who was scowling.

"Why her?" Harry asked.

Lupin looked down at his feet and muttered something about love.

"A werewolf is living in the house of Black!" screamed the portrait.

"Shut your hole!" yelled Mundungus and he and Lupin pulled the curtains shut in front of Mrs. Black.

"Locomotor trunk," said Moody quietly. Harry's trunk lifted a few feet from the ground and Moody directed it up the stairs.

"You'll have the same room you had when you stayed here last summer," said Lupin. "Go up there and get your room set up and then come downstairs for breakfast."

Harry hesitated before smiling at Lupin, and then he followed Moody up the steps to his bedroom. When he got there, he found that the room was considerably different from the way it was last summer.

The walls had been painted a lovely shade of light blue, and the wood floors were polished. There was only one bed in the room now, which was also polished, and covered in new pinstriped bed sheets. The soot was gone from the fireplace and a fire was crackling merrily inside it. Some revived lace curtains that Harry recognized from the drawing room hung from the windows. The only thing that was the same about the room was the portrait of Phineas Nigellus.

"Back again Harry?" he asked.

"Yes," said Harry, opening the window to let Hedwig out.

"I'm glad you're here to keep me company," sighed Phineas. "As soon as the Lupins moved in they killed Kreacher and Becky's right pissed."

"Becky?" asked Harry.

"Becky, downstairs."

"Sirius's mum?"

"Yeah," said Phineas. "Pity about Sirius; he was all right."

Harry felt another one of his tantrums coming on. He balled up his fists and started to scream at Phineas.

"Oh shut up!" Phineas screamed. "You're as bad as Becky!" He put his fingers in his ears and sang, "La la la la la!!"

"You're like a child!" screamed Harry. He turned to leave the bedroom. As he walked down the hallway he felt a strange feeling inside him as he saw Kreacher's head mounted on the wall, his wrinkled face frozen in an ugly smile.

Harry made his way down to the basement where the kitchen was. The table was set and Tonks, Mad-Eye, Dung, Mrs. Figg, and Lupin were already sitting down. "Have a seat, Harry," said Mrs. Figg, motioning to an empty chair.

"Breakfast is ready," said Rita Skeeter, coming over to the table carrying several white bags. She set the bags on the table and started pulling submarine sandwiches out of them and passing them out to everyone.

"Er -," said Harry. Mrs. Figg glared at him. "Um, Miss Skeeter?" Harry asked.

"It's Mrs. Lupin now," said Rita, eyeing the ring on her finger fondly.

"Why are we having subs for breakfast?"

"Remus and I are on the Subway diet like Jared," she said.

"Oh," Harry said. He looked around at everybody else at the table and, seeing that they seemed to think this a reasonable enough explanation, began to eat his sub. The fact that it was just after five in the morning didn't seem to bother anybody.

After breakfast Harry, who was rather tired after having been up all night, went upstairs to bed. He was pleased to see that when he got in his room, Phineas Nigellus had gone and Harry was free to sleep in peace.

While Harry slept, he dreamt that he was standing outside of 12 Grimmauld Place, only the house didn't disappear. He watched as Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Cho, Lupin, Tonks, Mrs. Figg, Moody, Neville, and loads of other people walked into the house. When the door slammed shut behind the last person (Luna Lovegood), Harry could hear Mrs. Black screaming, "The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches...Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies...the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not...and either must die at the hand of the other, for neither can live while the other survives...The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies..."

Then Harry spoke, and it was in the high cold voice of Voldemort: "Do it now, Bellatrix!" he commanded. Bellatrix Lestrange took a can of gasoline and started pouring it all around the house. Then she lit a match and...

"AAAARRRGGGHHH!!!" screamed Harry as he awoke with his scar searing. He rolled around on the ground, twisted in his covers. He heard footsteps enter the room.

"So it is true," said the voice of Rita Skeeter. "I thought I just made up the bit about you frequently spasing in your dreams... Anyway, you slept all day. Remus told me to come and get you for dinner."

"What are we having?" asked Harry groggily as he sat up and put on his glasses.

"Subs."

Life at Number Twelve was certainly more enjoyable than life at Number Four, but the presence of Rita Skeeter, the screams of Mrs. Black, and the knowledge that the next meal would always be a sub saw to it that Harry wasn't having the time of his life. That, and the fact that since the Fifth Book, Harry had been going through what Muggles would diagnose as clinical depression.

Finally, one week before his return to Hogwarts, Lupin said, "I'm sure you'll be pleased to know that your friends Ron, Hermione, and Ginny will be spending the last week before school with us."

"Why do they have to come?" asked Harry, his temper getting the better of him.

"Because they just do!" Lupin replied. "There's a pattern in things, you'll come to know Harry. Everything that happens every year of your schooling follows a definite pattern, and your visiting with your friends is part of that pattern. So they're coming tomorrow, whether you like it or not!"

While Harry slept that night, someone moved the other bed into his room for Ron to sleep it, and Harry noticed that the door to the girls' bedroom had been unlocked and the beds fitted with clean sheets. He went downstairs for breakfast and decided to walk around outside in the beautiful weather while he waited for his guests to arrive.

They did arrive around noon. Harry heard them before he saw them. He heard a car pull in front of the house, then footsteps and voices, then a scream and the sounds of three people shouting out hexes. He ran around to the front of the house just as his friends ran to the back, and they met halfway in the side yard.

"You'll never guess who we just saw!" exclaimed Ginny.

"Rita Skeeter!" said Hermione, with a look of disgust on her face.

"I reckon she was trying to spy on you!" Ron said.

Harry clapped his hand to his head. "You didn't just hex her, did you?" he asked.

"Yeah," said Ron. "You don't care, do you?"

"Actually, I do," Harry said. "You see, Rita's Lupin's wife."

Harry led his friends into the house and down the stairs to the kitchen. "Hello Ron, Hermione, Ginny," said Lupin with a smile. "We're having something special for lunch in honor of your arrival!" He reached into a white bag and pulled out a sub.

"How is that special?" asked Harry.

"This is the New Chicken Teriyaki Sub that's Only Six Grams of Fat!" said Lupin with the enthusiasm of someone talking about a new expensive Christmas present he just received.

"Oh joy," said Harry, taking a seat. Ron, Hermione, and Ginny took seats at the table as well.

A few moments later, Rita entered the room limping and looking slightly disheveled. She scowled as she sat down at the table, but when Remus put a New Chicken Teriyaki Sub that's Only Six Grams of Fat in front of her, she looked positively delighted.

"It's amazing that something could taste so good and only be six grams of fat!" she exclaimed after only one bite. Harry and the others rolled their eyes, though they had to admit that the sub was quite good.

Harry and his friends went upstairs after lunch to talk. "So you said McGonagall sent you a letter that talked about the Order?" asked Ron.

"Yeah, it was really odd. I thought everyone was all worried about keeping things secret," said Harry.

"Yeah, so did I."

"How has your scar been behaving?" Ginny asked.

"Actually," started Harry, "I just had a dream the first night I got here." He proceeded to tell them about the dream.

"Harry, I'm beginning to think the Occlumency lessons were a good idea..." said Ron nervously.

"This is serious," said Ginny. "You should tell Dumbledore."

Harry, Ron, and Ginny looked over at Hermione, expecting her to say something.

"Well?" said Harry.

Hermione folded her arms and said to the lace curtains, "I still can't get past the fact that Lupin would marry that awful - awful - person!"